Regrets and Hopes - Living in the Present (Perspectives)

Credit to Partly @ freedigitalphotos.net
Credit to Partly @ freedigitalphotos.net

Introduction

The idea behind this series called Perspectives is explained in a hub published by MickeySr:

  • Perspectives: An Introduction
    What we think and how we feel about things is defined, not by the things themselves, but by our perspective of things. Everything that comes before us is filtered through our perception of things...


The Perspectives

Guest Writer for January: fpherj48

Source

Regrets and Hope

This theme - Regrets and Hope - supplied by the team for January 2013 - immediately tried to find a place in my personal folders for Past, Future and Present.

Without any doubts I associate regrets with the Past and Hope with the Future, for I cannot regret something I have not yet committed or experienced and I cannot have any hope for anything that is over and done.


Although Regrets is all about the Past and Hope is all about the Future, we actually do this only in the Present. We THINK in the present... at this moment. And we keep on thinking. Test your thoughts!


marin @ freedigitalphotos.net
marin @ freedigitalphotos.net

Experiment: Regrets


  • "Remember that awful experience with Jim the Punk? If only I had listened to my gut feeling, or at least to my friends who warned me against people like him...."
  • "Remember that wonderful holiday in Europe? That should have lasted at least one more week. Why was my tour so pathetically planned?"
  • "Remember when I smoke a cigarette for the first time? Now that was fun. But such a big mistake..."
  • "Remember how much fun I had with my children. But this and that I could have handled better."

Regretting is an automatic mental response when we dwell on the past. We will always find something to regret, as we would always find dust and dirt and germs in the storerooms of our homes. Any cleaner/organizer will admit that the more they focus on cleaning and organizing, the more things they see in need of cleaning and organizing.

Reviewing one's past from time to time is sometimes necessary, like cleaning a dusty and untidy attic. But spending too much time doing this, means using precious time meant for living in the Present and for creating beautiful memories that might cover all regrettable memories. The more we dwell in the past - as in a dusty attic - the more reasons for regret we discover.



Teerapun @ freedigitalphotos,net
Teerapun @ freedigitalphotos,net

Experiment: Hope


  • "Jenny has cancer. I hope she will recover soon."
  • "My house is too hot during summer. I need an air-conditioner. I hope to find money to buy one."
  • "I am going to publish this hub now. I hope many will take the time to read it, and I hope everybody will get my perceptive on regrets and hope."

I have seen people on their deathbed still hoping for a miracle.

I've seen people who were able to live for many more years died just because they've lost Hope.

Giving up Hope, is passing one's power on to Death. Death does not only kill bodies of flesh and blood, but while we are still breathing, it kills our dreams, aspirations, emotions, and all that was once alive.

So yes, although Regrets is about the past and Hope is about the future, it is something we DO in the present.

Presentism

I am an advocate of Presentism (the philosophy of time.)

According to this philosophical doctrine events and entities that are wholly past or wholly future do not exist at all.

"Everything past is unreal, everything future is unreal, everything imagined, absent, mental... is unreal... Ultimately real is only the present moment of physical efficiency...." Fyodor Shcherbatskoy.

So by regretting whatever was in the past (yesterday and all the days before), and hoping for whatever lies in the future (tomorrow and all the days ahead), we spend precious time and energy on something that does not exist, and we waste the time we have to our disposal to make the best of our day, our gift, our present.

I have learned the hard way to distinguish between Negative and Positive activities to be done in the Present.

Regretting is a negative activity.....

until it becomes a resolution. By making a serious decision to never again repeat whatever instigated regrets, we change regrets into Hope.
  • "I hope I will get a chance to make amends for those regrettable statements of mine."
  • "I hope I will be stronger and wiser when I ever again find myself in the same kind of situation I had handled so terribly wrong."

Hoping is a positive activity.

Surely nobody doubt the power of hope and everybody treasures hope for the best.


Stuart Miles @ freedigitalphotos.net
Stuart Miles @ freedigitalphotos.net

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Comments 58 comments

bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 3 years ago from Central Florida

Martie, I find it very cool that so far you, Mickey and I are on the same page with this month's perspective. (I've not yet read the others').

It is so true: regret is a thing of the past, hope is indicative of the future and in a way, we live both now. At least we do at the moment because we are reflecting on the past and talking about it now. Kind of ironic, huh?

Great post, my dear friend! I HOPE our friendship continues for years and years to come!


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 3 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

I always learn a little something new when stopping by your informational presentations. Your study of life has revealed absolutes to you. Presentism is a new term to me. In life it helps to have a small chalk board to write the memories on. What to save the new memory? Erase what is on the board now and record the new. Well done.


billybuc profile image

billybuc 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

Martie, today is all I have. The past is gone; to waste another breath on it is silly. Tomorrow hasn't happened and may not happen, so why go there. I make each day the best I can and then I walk away from it with no regrets....as far as hope...I lost it once and it almost killed me...never again.

Wonderful effort, Martie!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

bravewarrior, I just read yours and was so surprise to see how our minds flow on the same wave. Thanks for your lovely comment on mine.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

mckbirdbks, I like your metaphor - write down the memory and erase it with a new one. In my efforts some years ago to change my negative thought patterns to positive, I followed a plan of action. One rule on my list was to make one memorable memory per day. The results were unbelievable successful. I can hardly remember my bad memories, and when I do, they don't hurt anymore. Too many nice memories neutralized the pain. Thanks for your inspiring comment.


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 3 years ago from Central Florida

Martie, we all seem to have gone in the same direction this month. I'm curious to see where Doc goes with this one.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

I so agree with you billybuc. Yes, I was there, too, on the edge of despair, and I will never go there again. Such a waste of precious time and energy to cherish regrets. Thank you for your much appreciated support, Billy :)


Storytellersrus profile image

Storytellersrus 3 years ago from Stepping past clutter

Nice. Arthur Miller had it all figured out, I guess.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 3 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

Hi Martie, so how interesting is that, you followed my advise before receiving it. lol


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 3 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Sista,

I found myself sounding like a Preacher reading your hub...(mind you, I am a Roman Catholic... :) but I kept saying (thankfully alone)... 'oh yeah', 'yes, Jesus', 'Amen', 'mmmm, hmmm...' to each and every dang thang and quote you wrote.

Yes, indeed we both selected Arthur Miller as our first quotation... as Sistas would be likely to do.

I feel thoroughly enriched and enlightened after reading the beautiful and inspiring work this month from you, Shauna, Paula and what's his name (oh yeah, Mickey, Sr)... I will not promise to be any more pithy next month, darlin!

YOU have been voted UP & UABI...Hugs and Love, Maria


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 3 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I write about wrong turns I've taken, Martie, but I don't dwell or regret them. After all the good and the bad brought me to where I am today. Lately, I been thinking that the word "hope", for me, holds a connotation of passivity, almost like a wish. Hope, in my opinion, is a lovely thought, but, on it's own, changes nothing. After all "I think, therefore, I am". Hope has nothing to do with it.

After the recent classroom massacre in CT, I came to the conclusion that hope is part of us, but it as useless as guilt or regret or luck in affecting change. The shootings of many innocents in the classrooms on that day a little over a month ago, made me feel hopeless. The problem is so vast that a solution is daunting. Realistically, I feel there may not be one. I will always "hope" for the best. I will always hope for tomorrow. But, I will make things happen by my actions today.

Your inspirational, positive, beautiful composed thoughts have my brain spinning, Martie. In fact, though I'd like to say I've tossed hope in the trash, I never will. Hope is necessary to keep our dreams and purpose alive. Thank you, Martie, I needed that!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 3 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Yes, Martie, I agree with you on most points. One surprising image is though, something that puzzles me -

why does your HOPE sinks like "Titanic"?

In bright flying orange colours nonetheless.

I have another word for Presentism, I use the word NOWNESS.

I agree that regrets are useless, they are based on a false assumption that you did something wrong, something that you could have done right.

There is a theory that we always make the right decision given the information/knowledge (k-NOW-ledge) that we have at the MOMENT.

We only learn the outcome of our actions based on the "right" decision post factum. Then seeing the result and being dissatisfied, we speculate that to reach the desired outcome, we SHOULD HAVE...

That is the stumbling point. Once you realize that your regrets are simply a learning curve and you cannot learn without doing all the "mistakes" you have done... Even if you repeat the same mistake twice, three times, ... 42 times. It simply means that it takes you 42 repetitions to learn and not that you are stupid or stupider than the rest. The average number of repetitions in learning is 5 - 7. No wonder our relationships/marriages don't always work. By the 7th marriage, we are mostly likely to figure out what we want and who we need.

Big deal. Put all your regrets in the garbage bin. Reframe them as events to analyze and make conclusions and move on to NOW.

I completely disagree with the reality of NOW. Now is no more real than yesterday or no more real than tomorrow. It is just now and here, full of the same false assumptions, misconceptions and misperceptions.

Hope is a treacherous thing as well. There is hope and there is hope. There is hope against hope when you know that only luck will make the desired outcome happen (for terminally ill patients and it is important that they live in hope, not in despair or acceptance of their ill fate).

There is another kind of hope - things we can do to achieve the desired outcome, but we don't. We stop at "I hope to find money for an air conditioner". Just make it happen.

Again, from the same book on the Art of Reframing - from "I hope I will...." say in your mind "I know I will..." and then do your thing, plan, find a way... Your mind will do half of the work. That tiny difference between hoping and being sure it will happen matters a lot.

Our brains are easily deceived. And, in my opinion, it is my greatest hope, my greatest faith in my life and also the reason why I think life sucks at time. We are get into trouble simply because of our misdirected thinking.

So, to summarize, hopes are good and can be better (can be put to better use) and regrets are useless, simply a waste of time and mental energy.

The moment I realized it, it was such a load off. Never looked back. And, Martie, if you think I am so clever, I am not, I read it in books, simply because I was suffering from regrets just like all of us.

There are no wrong decisions. There are different paths to take.

Cheers,


MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean

Tantalizing quotes. Thanks for reminding us that our participation in the Present is most important.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ bravewarrior - well, Docmo now has all the time in the world to surprise us with another angle - and maybe he already found one on his journey.

@ storytellersrus - I would really like to know what he regards as 'right' regrets. I can always dig up mine and see of I, perhaps, find a 'right' one. Strange, but every regret is also something to be grateful for. If whatever did not happen, I would not have been here today.

@ Lol, mckbirdbks - somehow along the line we all discover the secrets of success, don't we? :)


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 3 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

We often live with one foot in the past and the other in the future while the present passes beneath us, virtually unnoticed.


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 3 years ago from Orlando, FL

I'm a fan of hope, but not regret. Live for today, forget yesterday and don't sweat tomorrow. One day at a time. Thanks to you SAA I am also now a fan of Presentism. That might be my new favorite word! Awesome hub!!!


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 3 years ago from United States

This is an awesome hub and I am very much a fan of hope. I have lived with regret, and you can't change yesterday but you can choose to make each new day the best day possible. Loved your hub.


always exploring profile image

always exploring 3 years ago from Southern Illinois

I am so into living in the now and forgetting the past. This has been a journey for me. I have not totally arrived at my destination but i am closer than ever before. Thinking back with regrets is a total waste of time and energy. Strange how perspectives change over time. Very interesting read Martie. I learn from your articles. I love the word hope. Hugs...


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Hello? kallini? kallini? Just so you know......Martie's HOPE is not "sinking" it is "RISING," at day break...from the deep dark sea....LOL.....Much better when you look at it that way...right?

Martie, dear woman...wonderful, awesome and inspiring, as all of your writings are. "Live in the Moment,"....yes!....I can dance well, to that song. I feel it, I believe it and I THANK you for sharing your golden perspective with your readers.

I am not surprised at the depth of your wisdom. You've worked for it and you own it, my Astro-sister. I wish you Peace, love and joy...in this moment....and every day. UP+++


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 3 years ago from Toronto, Canada

fpherj48,

I don't tend to analyze images, I get a feeling, but since you asked, I had to think about it.

I have not met many optimists going through clinical depression except for myself. I have no negativity even at his very moment. I know that hope is supposed to rise, yet it seems to be sinking. The image is ambiguous at its best.

Why does it seem more natural to assume sinking rather than rising? Because it is the nature of things, called gravity. For things to rise, there might be a force taking things up - overcoming gravity. That force has to be visible and believable.

Besides, my comment was only my opinion, stating my impression.

It was not meant as criticism.

Funny enough, I asked for a second opinion. My son walked in and I asked him out of curiosity "What do you see in this image?"

"The sun is rising, the Hope is sinking" he said.

I know it is not a comprehensive analysis and for 95% of readers it does not matter, they don't give a flying toss about such details and they quite right about it.

Martie knows me well enough to see that my comment was not negative. I am sorry that you thought it was.

I am sorry that we seem to have misunderstood each other on a couple of occasions previously and I think it would be best for both of us if I refrain from any interaction in the future.

I don't feel like explaining myself more than I have to.

Best regards,


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 3 years ago from Nashville Tn.

Martie - You have expressed how I live my life. In the present. Finding beauty and joy in every minute is a choice we all have. Regardless of our circumstances - the present is all we have.

We, alone, design how we live each moment, each second. I have learned that even with pain, even through tribulation, it is possible to find joy. Gratefulness is the "anchor" to being positive.

Thank you for this beautiful, well written and inspiring hub. Up and across and sharing!


davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown 3 years ago from Sacramento, California

Amen... niggie!... Amen


btrbell profile image

btrbell 3 years ago from Mesa, AZ

Beautiful presentation. Of course we have regrets but how wonderful to have hope! Thank you! So looking forward to joining all of you next month!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

marcoujor – that was quite a surprise – seeing your first quote was the same as mine, and I bet that you, too, are still chewing on it. I am so glad you enjoyed my perceptive as much as I’ve enjoyed yours. We are all princesses deep in our hearts, wishing to meet a true prince. Sadly even 99.9% of true blue-blood princes don’t even meet the requirements of a true prince. Although you know I have finally met one... Thank you, sista! I will never REGRET the day I’ve met you and I HOPE we’ll be sisters forever and a day.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

My dear Amy, so good to see you in my corner. I feel I must emphasize the gist of your comment: "I will always hope for tomorrow. Hope is necessary to keep our dreams and purpose alive. But, I will make things happen by my actions today."

At the end of the day it is but only our actions that cause either regret or more hope for the best.

I know that feeling of hopelessness. After reading only the first three pages of a newspaper down here, I find myself in the deep well of hopelessness. But still, how very poor would we be without hope. I believe that we can live without love, but not without hope.

Take care, dear Amy :)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

kallini, I agree wholeheartedly with you - Hoping will bring us nowhere - it is simply an emotion that keeps us positive in order to prepare and act a plan of ACTION.

Re your second last paragraph: "The moment I realized it...." I know so well that knowing something does not mean we can do it. Only practice and more practice finally makes perfect. Although nothing is ever perfect, we can achieve the best we possibly can.

Re: k-NOW-ledge - it is but only the light behind us while we are supposed to walk forward into the dark future.

Re: air conditioner - at this very moment they are installing it, and just because I've announced my hope.... So, sometimes even talking - ACTION - can change a hope into reality.

Thanks for your profound comment, Svetlana!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

MsDora, thanks to "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, I have finally managed the art of living in the Present. (I've just add a link to this book in the hub). Thank you for reading and commenting.


Anna Sternfeldt profile image

Anna Sternfeldt 3 years ago from Svenljunga, Sweden

Thanks for an interesting hub. I recognise the prayer from the 12 steps program, and that is really a good reminder. To accept what you can't change and change the things you can. And to not dwell on the past..ohoh...that is so easily done..and so unproductive! Thanks for good ideas and thoughts on self improvements and to live life more fully.


Sunnie Day 3 years ago

Hello Martie, I loved the break down of regrets and hope. For so long I lived with many regrets but I can honestly say I now live in the present and hope is something I do carry but not to the point of feeling down because I do not have it. Hope is always a good thing when hoping for something good. I guess hope is the preamble to faith. We hope, then rest in the faith of things to come. Living in the present is so important as we take the chance of missing out on something we can not get back thus falling into the rut of regret. We can only then hope we can pull ourselves out...:) It is always a good thing to read a wonderful hub such as this, giving us a map on how to live for today..Thank you.

Love and hugs,

Sunnie


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ WillStarr – and the reason was so perfectly stressed by T. S. Eliot: “Humankind cannot bear very much reality.” Thank you, Will :)

@ Sunshine625 - you are indeed an epitome of Presentism. Your positive perceptive on life always shines – so warm and bright it even melts the seeds of my negative thoughts. Thanks, Linda :)

@ Pamela99 – Everything we do, depends on a choice we make. Thank you for emphasizing this ;)

@ always exploring – I think my perceptive on regrets and hope was always as I’ve put it in the hub, BUT, I was for the most part of my life not able to practice what I preach. Looking back, I can but only know that I’ve expected too much of myself and of others consequently disappointment, frustration and self-pity stole my hope for the best. I am strong (and daring) since I got my hope back – rooted in the fact that everything always, eventually, turn out for the best. And I know you know what I mean, Ruby. Always good to see you in my corner :)

@ fpherj48 – with a friend like you I will not even stumble, and if ever falling, it will be upwards. Thanks for your lovely wishes, Paula. Believe me, I see them coming true every day. (My aircon is working!)

@ kallini2010 - Hope sinking or rising reminds me of the phrase ‘falling in love’. While we actually rise in love. In my language we would say (directly translated), ‘Hope disappointed me’, ‘My courage sunk into my shoes’, and ‘I got/am in love.’ The image of Hope in the hub - in the sea, balancing itself – surely implies that Hope can easily sink/disappear in a storm. But there is the sun, also disappearing every night – subjected to the laws of nature – but always rising again. I also see the Hope in the image as something balancing itself on the waves, reminding us that hope should be realistic. Thanks, Svetlana, for giving wings to my imagination.

@ vocalcoach – Gratefulness is indeed the "anchor" to being positive. When my father died in 1989 I started to fall into depression, deeper and deeper, turning my thought patterns to negative. Eventually in 2000 I realized the power of my thoughts. It was hard-hard work to change myself to positive again. (Not that anybody noticed. People suffering depression are bluffers, pretending they’re okay and happy just to be left alone in their comfort zone where they prefer to think and do what they like, whether good or bad, sad or happy.) So one of the many mental exercises on my list was to find 2 reasons to be grateful and happy for to replace every single regret or negative thought. It worked! Although it took me about 2 years to get myself completely positive again. And to be honest, I hope with all my heart that nothing – no shock, no loss – will ever again make me fall. My hope is so strong that I know I will not allow it. Take care, dear Audrey!

@ davenmidtown – Lol! Nice to see you in my corner :)

@ btrbell, our Guest Perspective for February. How nice to meet you! Who does not have regrets? According to Genesis 6 (I think), even God regretted his creation of mankind. Regrets are simply failures challenging us to prove ourselves as human beings able to learn and grow. The wisest men were once upon a time babies and irresponsible teenagers. I look forward to a visit in your corner, Randi :)

@ Anna Sternfeldt – So nice to meet you! I believe it is easier to dwell on the past than to face the responsibilities and obligations of the Present. And so much easier to dwell on the future. Today is nothing but a challenge to meet. If we don’t force ourselves to focus on the positive, the beauty and whatever makes us happy, we will be miserable, bored, cantankerous, grumpy, etc. Thank you for reading and commenting.

@ Sunnie Day – I believe Hope and Faith are twins. Not only/necessarily faith in God or any other person, but faith in one’s own ability to grab opportunities when they present themselves and to conquer adversities as they come. Thank you, Kim, for your lovely comment.


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 3 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Voted up and interesting. A great hub Martie. My thoughts on regret is that it should stay in the past, no sense fretting. Hope is for a brighter future. Hugs. Passing this on.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Hi Gypsy - yes, they should stay in the past. During the time I had cherished regrets, a friend of mine always said: "You cannot turn scrambled eggs into fried eggs." Thanks for passing on.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 3 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Yes, Martie, you got me with "the moment I realized..." Of course, the moment I realized nothing changed except for acquiring new k-NOW-ledge. I read the book in 2005.

Regret ONE, Regret TWO .... Regret Forty Two later... it got much easier. I kept regretting, yet I was able to remind myself that my regret does not take me anywhere but to the Depression Avenue.

Now, yes, I try not to.

The concept of the past - really it is a faulty expression - if you lived in NOW as the modern prayer goes - you would not remember a thing from your past including your ability to read or write.

Your whole life build on your ability to remember and retrieve your memories and act on your knowledge. Why do think we only remember ourselves beginning roughly at the age 4? Not because our brain does not remember. It does, even the the events inside the womb, but it has no way to retrieve that memories. We did not build enough associations to create that web of images, words, et cetera.

So, with your permission, I would say we are able to live because we live with our past. We also have to plan for the future. When you drive, you see your immediate future, where you'll be in two meters and if you don't plan, you'll surely hit something. If you don't plan for harvest, if you don't ration food (I mean our history), you may or may not survive winter. Planning is essential.

Funny enough, I read a book on procrastination (my biggest flaw at the moment) and it says that living in the moment is the characteristic of all NOW-livers = Proscrastinators.

I think the whole picture of time gets deformed in the minds because it was simplified. Sorry, I cannot help but analyze.

The rising/sinking hope is really funny. What is hope? It is a concept, an abstract that you cannot touch, it does not rise, it does not think. We say "broken" hopes, but it nothing than a verbal construct.

I was thinking - what would I imagine as hope if words are not permitted? Maybe a person looking to the sky in a pleading manner.

And, honestly, I don't know why I picked up on air-conditioner, I did not connect you with the device, it is just if someone needs it, someone usually needs it badly and it is such a nice and concrete detail -

air-conditioner versus hope (formless, shapeless, untouchable).

The reason I made a comment on the image - I don't normally do it for others, only with friends, when it feels like a safe bet and I always feel safe with you. It was just that you asked me once how do I select images and what goes through my mind. You see how long this trace is...

I always ask myself, why? I am such a green person in this respect, the WHY-asker, why? why? why?

Because the sky is high.

Cheers and congratulations on the Air-Conditioner.


drbj profile image

drbj 3 years ago from south Florida

Thanks, Martie, for this intriguing examination of perspectives which are based on our perceptions. I try not to forget that Perception is Reality which is why so many of us see the same things so differently. And when I can remember it, I try to be guided by the incisive Serenity Prayer.

Here is my version of the Serenity Prayer for older folks:

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen! :)


DDE profile image

DDE 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Live for the present and and enjoy life to the fullest, hope is always there. Voted up!!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Svetlana, I agree all the way with you. "We think, therefor we are...." The older we get, the more we remember. I remember every minute of the day similar things in the past. I REACT most of the time on my memories and not on what is happening. When B gave me a home entertainment system, all round speakers, superb sound, I cried the entire evening, remembering the perfect sound of my ex's hi-fi system, filling our home every day for 18-19 yrs. He drove me nuts most of the time, I could not hear myself think, but after I've left him I missed the quality sound of music - I could not afford such an excellent sound system. And for more than 20 years I was HOPING for extra money to buy this for myself..... and here it comes, totally unexpected, from a man who enjoys spoiling me. I've never been spoiled in my entire life.... so I react, too, on my childish hope to be spoiled, remembering all my 'sinking hopes'..... and same now with the aircon.... I am asking myself: Am I dreaming reality - too good to be true - still living in my past, coveting stuff I once had or never had?

Anyway, I hear exactly what you want me to hear, Svetlana, and I do agree with you. But you also know what I've meant when I said in other words 'let bygones be bygones'.

I know a woman who lost her 3rd child - the baby was born premature and died 6 (or what) months later. This happened a couple of years ago and she is still 'living' with the baby - even using the baby's picture as an avatar on FB - how awkward! While her 2 older children are growing up, getting older by the day, with a mother mourning so hard that she can hardly pay attention to any living being. Her depression is absolutely terrifying! And THIS should not be.... We MUST bury what is dead and allow daisies to grow on the graves.

I've 'heard' you, Svetlana, and I am so glad you feel well enough to share your profound thoughts with me. Take care, and why not write a hub about this most intriguing topic?


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Ohhhhh, drbj, you adorable woman! I am ROFL..... Hahahaha!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Amen, DDE!


Rosemay50 profile image

Rosemay50 3 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

Well 'Presentism' is a new word for me but one we should all live by.

Once again you have written an awesome perspective Martie and I love the quotes that you include.

Living in our past only mars the future. I have plenty of regrets but refuse to allow them to rule my 'Now life'. I live each day as it comes and make sure I take time to appreciate what I have. I don't worry about tomorrow too much, things don't always pan out as we envisage and there is no value in worrying about something that may never happen. I read a quote the other day “Never borrow sorrow from tomorrow”

The present is where we are at and I try to focus on making it a good day.


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 3 years ago from North Carolina

Well my friend you've added to and complimented our friend Paula's hub on regret. If Marie has one will certainly read it too. Like the style and the way you've presented the subject. The present moves us forward and the past is for reflection that should be done to better things, not dwell on that which holds us back in sorrow or stupefaction. No regrets, Coyote~ Joni Mitchell.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Lovely quote, Rosemay: “Never borrow sorrow from tomorrow”

Maybe age has something to do with living in the Present. By the time one reach fifty, one realizes that the best part of one's life is over and done and maybe wasted on regrets and hope, and death is so much closer. I am trying my best to live the 'presents' I have lost due to many reasons. I was born old, therefor I want to die young. I honestly don't allow myself any negative emotions. Maybe sometimes for an hour or so. But I know too well that it takes only one step to fall into the deepest well of depression - the rest follows automatically. Take care, Rosemary :)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Hi Alastar, I guess there is a time for everything, also for regrets and hope. But we should not stop growing, and definitely OUT of the time for regrets. When Nelson Mandela became our president in 1994, he obtained the trust and admiration of the entire world with his words: "Let bygones be bygones." Nevertheless, our country was for a couple of years paralyzed by regrets and an obsessive quest for truth. The premise was that reconciliation would only be possible after all truth was revealed. Fortunately our hope for a better future was not destroyed. Thanks for the visit, Alastar.

PS: You will find a link to Maria's hub in my hub.... You WILL enjoy the read.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Absolutely! My sentiment exactly........."For things to RISE, there might be a force taking things up--overcoming gravity. That force has to be visible and believable."

Ah...Yes! Kallini......as in, perhaps......."THE RISING SUN OF A NEW DAY?" Beautiful. Case at Rest. Thank you!


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 3 years ago from Philippines

Hope and regret stem from desire. We are all motivated by it. Desire is the feeling that accompanies an unsatisfied state, and hope is that general feeling that desire will be fulfilled. We set goals for financial abundance and prosperity, we search for love and affection in our relationships. All in pursuit of life's ultimate currency; happiness. Yet in every person's life some rain must fall. Elements of failure may bring us disappointments and regret, and often we find the dream given up and the dreamer in abject surrender.

Or, we can turn failure into lessons, to help achieve the success of whatever we are pursuing. But, after attaining our goal (money, position, power, love), what then? We experience a momentary high, a state of satisfaction, then we reach a plateau and we level off. So we raise the bar further, returning to an unsatisfied state until we succeed again. There is nothing wrong with ambition. Because of this, we have to accept that regret and hope will be traveling companions in our journey through life. :)

Another reason for regret about past experiences is that most of us have a dual interpretation of ourselves. Unfortunately, they are kept in separate rooms. Our admirable qualities, isolated by self-condemnation of perceived weakness in our character or a flawed personality.

A teacher once said, " We should give ourselves permission to be human." If we can look at our perfection as well as our imperfection together and gradually learn to blend them into one, we get a more realistic portrait of our self. With acceptance of the self, there would be no place for regrets.

Perhaps, we should give pause at the words of St. Paul, " My own behavior baffles me. For I find myself not doing what I really want to do but doing what I really loathe."


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 3 years ago from Wales

A wonderful hub ;I loved it Martie and Vote up,across and share all around.

Here's wishing you a great weekend.

Eddy.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ pherj48 – Amen! Images is actually mirrors, exposing our prejudices, perceptions, moods, thoughts, and so forth. Now who said that sun in the picture is rising? Lol!

@ SilentReed – Now that is surely the case and so well stressed by you. I must quote you: “Hope and regret stem from desire. We are all motivated by it.” Thank you so much for enhancing this hub with such a profound comment. I hope with all my heart that all readers will take the time to read it. :)

@ Eiddwen – Cheers and best wishes to you, too. Thanks for always coming around :)


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 3 years ago from New York

Hope...it "springs eternal" and gives us life. I, too, am Roman Catholic and the three theological virtues are faith, hope, and charity. Hope responds to our desire for happiness, and life itself. You have said it so well. Regret is the past and there's nothing we can do about it but give it up. Hope is the future, our future and we can make it what we truly want it to be. I loved reading this piece Martie. Everything you said is so true and you said it so beautifully. Hope is positive, and I am positive you have given hope by writing this.

Voted up, useful, awesome, beautiful, interesting, and shared so that others can read this message.


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 3 years ago from Brownsville,TX

Martie this is excellent.. Hope and regrets.. we all have them.

what a great series you all have started..

voted up

sharing

blessings

debbie


picklesandrufus profile image

picklesandrufus 3 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

Very good hub Martie. Better to live in what we are guaranteed-the Now, than to live to much in either the past or future. I think hope is essential to live a quality life. Great quotes as well!!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Thank you, tillsontitan! Interesting that previous translations of the Bible used the words, "Faith, Hope and Charity." In modern translations 'charity' is replaced with 'love'. Thank you so much for sharing :)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Thank you, Debbie. Yes, we have them, but what really matters is what we do with them. Have a lovely day, my friend :)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

picklesandrufus, Hope is so the epitome of a positive attitude. I cannot imagine living without hoping all the time....

That I will soon get the opportunity to visit the hubs of each and everyone who has taken the time to delight me with a comment....

That I will be able to finish all my chores for the day....

That my injured toe will soon be completely healed...

Et cetera......

I HOPE that you will have a lovely Tuesday up there in the cold :)


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 3 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Martie, as per your request, a little (oh, I am missing the word):

=======

I just want to mention two little details of the same nature:

there is hope and there is faith (a much stronger feeling). Terminally ill patients need faith, hope is not as powerful.

I can rephrase saying:

Faith is a comfort. Hope is not.

And the same goes to regret vs. grief. Grief is so much stronger than regret.

The example that you mentioned about a woman grieving the death of her baby for over two years - it is an dysfunction, called Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD). She may need serious help. The acceptable duration for grief is about six months.

=======


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Thank you, Svetlana, and I must repeat myself: I do agree with you.

Somehow we need faith (in anything/anyone we chose) to be able to hope. While regrets and grief are also a Siamese twin.


Faith Reaper profile image

Faith Reaper 3 years ago from southern USA

Dear Martie,

Great hub! Yes, no sense in looking at the past, except to learn from our mistakes, and that is the very reason (now) why I do not regret the past, as it has made me the person I am today, in the present. Of course, I am sorry for any harm to any I may have harmed from my words or actions. Today is the day for sure to live in, the present!

I love the Serenity Prayer, and I even have a small tapestry of it, as a reminder, especially the part, "and the wisdom to know the difference!" I got that after my son as a teenager put us through some torture as parents no doubt! As I stated on a couple of the other perspectives hubs, my son told me flat-out one day, that he did not regret one thing from his past! Much to my horror (at the time), I was just shocked, as he really did put us through the wringer, but then he added, that if he had not gone through what he had gone through, he would not be the person he is today (a great father to his three children - made a turnaround prior to their births, as well as helping hundreds of others now), and he did apologize for the agony he put us through, but he did not regret one minute of it. I understand to what he is referring now.

We do need faith in order to have that hope in the future. You are so wise dearest Martie. I thought I had commented on your wonderful hub, so I regret that I . . . . no, no, no . . . what am I saying? . . . so I am so thankful to be reading it this day, the present! Very insightful.

Voted way up ++++ and sharing

Hugs and love your way, Faith Reaper


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Hi my dear Faith Reaper, I can relate to your experience with your son. As parents we try our best to 'create' perfect adults, but we have only a couple of years to form them.... and then comes LIFE. Raising children sometimes reminds me of building sand castles on the beach.

I also relate to your feelings today, being proud of my children who have had their own regrettable experiences, just as regrettable as my own, and yet not to be regretted because that is what we've needed to be where we are today.

Thank you so much for your profound comment. Take care, my dear Faith!


PegCole17 profile image

PegCole17 2 years ago from Dallas, Texas

This is deep and meaningful, Martie. I can certainly look back with many regrets upon failures, poor choices and bad decisions, but I choose to look forward armed with the knowledge of the past. Ram Daas was famous in the sixties for coining the phrase, "Be Here Now". It is a code to live by and you've covered it wonderfully here.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

Hi Peg, if pondering over the past could change all wrongs to rights, we would all be too busy doing it, and in the process we would not have time for present or future. What kind of a life would that be?

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