Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

Malignant Self-Love

Most people who have never had the misfortune to experience it first-hand never fail to underestimate the sheer severity and covert nature of narcissistic abuse, particularly that of the covert narcissist.

Covert narcissism in particular is undoubtedly and unequivocally the most damaging and under-cover form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)with many victims going decades without becoming consciously aware of what it is that's happening to them.

The emotional and mental abuse that a narcissist inflicts on their victim is based on the subtle power of suggestion. The power of suggestion is one of the most powerful psychological tools known to man and should never ever be underestimated.

The narcissist presents to their victim, usually their relationship partner, a false self which is built up from a collection of simple and subtle pathological lies - lies which make them seem angelic and builds them a reputation of being 'as good as gold' resulting in the belief that 'they would never do anything to hurt anyone'.

If a narcissist were to hear a rumor of someone they know cheating on their partner they may then make statements such as "how could they do that to him/her? That's disgusting" making out that they wholly disagree with such behavior.

This is often only to fool their partner into believing that they would never be capable of doing such a thing themselves yet in reality the lie is usually a cover to hide the fact that the narcissist is doing, or plans to do, exactly that - they seek to appease.

These subtle lies go on and on, building up over the years gradually pulling the wool over the victim's eyes, leaving them blind to the narcissist's true hidden self.

Money, friends, finances, identification, thoughts and emotions are all eventually stolen from the victim leaving them in a position with no resources to leave and no-one to turn to for help, yet they do not realize it until it's too late.

The narcissist has usually already ostracized their victim and built up an army of support, should the victim question anything that has happened.

The narcissist's army will help propagate their lies to the victim whilst unknowingly being fooled by those very same lies. They report the thoughts and emotions of the victim back to their narcissistic partner who uses the information to manipulate them even further and to prevent them from finding out the truth.

Stealing a person's thoughts and emotions and attempting to replace them with false thoughts, even to cover something up, is known as mental rape. The narcissist has created their own ring of abusers, they have employed their own mental and emotional rapists by manipulating the victim's own family and friends - the victim is left isolated.

Should the victim question the narcissist's pathological lies or hidden promiscuous behaviour then they will feel the wrath of the narcissist. The true victim will suddenly be the one who is insane or paranoid, which the narcissist has already managed to get their friends and family believing long before the victim could have ever anticipated.

Although friends and family may know about some of the narcissist's one night stands or continued secret long-terms affairs, these are already justified in their minds due to the lies the narcissist has been telling them about the victim over the years.

The victim has already been ostracized and had their reputation destroyed in the background without them even realizing what was happening.

It's too late.

Literally every little thing that happens gets twisted back round onto the victim and they are left scratching their head with wonder thinking "is it me?" and never quite realizing how the narcissist manipulated them into that situation.

Not only will the narcissist convince their victim they are insane, they will go the full length and tell them to go the doctor and have medication (that the victim doesn't really need) prescribed. Narcissists are extremely dangerous, they would rather allow their partner to get beaten up for making accusations or even let their partner die rather than reveal their true hidden self.

It took them all their life to build up their 'good as gold' reputation as a cover for the evil emotional and mental rapist that lies beneath and nobody is ever going to wear them down - some narcissists will commit murder if it means protecting their secrets.

Narcissistic abuse feels cruel, cold-hearted and sadistic for the victim. Narcissists do not make their victim suffer intentionally but they get a kick from knowing that they are able to manipulate their partner and get away with whatever they want.

The partner suffers in silence for many years not quite knowing if their suspicions are correct or just paranoia. The victim knows that even if they did turn to someone for help that the behavior of their narcissistic partner has been so outrageous that nobody is going to believe them anyway, until they eventually reach a point where they just can't handle the abuse any more. The victim is left feeling destitute, desolate and isolated and they may begin to experience a state of dissociation.

In many cases the partner may discover true evidence of the narcissist's hidden behaviors (pathological lies, one-night stands, incest, secret affairs or even a double life). It hits them hard.

They come to the realization that all of their suspicions that arose over the past years (or decades in many cases) were not just suspicions but actually subconscious clues being absorbed by their intuition - their suspicions were correct all along.

They are left feeling depressed, worthless, suicidal and shell-shocked which can lead to flashbacks and nightmares. The psychological manipulation and the presence of a false self becomes apparent and the victim comes to the realization that the person they fell in love with is not real; they don't exist.

The victim is left heart-broken, suicidal and angry yet the narcissist is still the one who is being treated like the victim. The damage is done and can often feel overwhelmingly beyond repair.

Narcissistic abuse is performed covertly, insidiously and is extremely dangerous and it can, in some cases, result in death either through suicide, manslaughter or murder.

If the victim does survive then the damage done may stick with them always, whether on a conscious or subconscious level the experience has been had and may remain a contributing factor in their lives forever. They may find it difficult to ever trust another person again.

However, it's true that time is the great healer and victims of narcissistic abuse can recover, given enough time.

Unfortunately, the question that many older or longer term victims of narcissistic abuse end up asking themselves, is how much time, exactly, do they have left?

© 2011 Sparkster Hubs

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Comments 58 comments

enlightened 5 years ago

I cant believe it, you've just described the last 10 years of my life down to a tee!


howdthishappen? 5 years ago

I used to have a lot of friends. I was thought well of and respected. You've described my relationship with my ex to a T. Everyone in our community knows him, and he had already destroyed my reputation before I knew anything was wrong. Peoplestill treat him like he's a victim, yet he's used all of them. How do you move on, and get past all of this? It's not just a break up. It's like losing your soul.


sonia05 profile image

sonia05 5 years ago from india

very well written and aptly described the narcissist behaviour!


Carl 5 years ago

I am not sure if this is covert narcissism or not. I can tell you it describes my borderline ex to a tee. Right down to the you can believe i am not having an afffair or get out.


Jon Anon 5 years ago

So your telling me that all these suspicions I have about my wife are actually my gut instincts telling me that there's a problem and I'm not crazy? So how do I prove it?


Danielle 5 years ago

always go with your gut. i finally walked away from someone after 3 years because he could not commit. From day one something was weird but I wanted to help him with his childhood issues - which was damaging our relationship. I left finally as I could not take it anymore but spent the last 7 months doubting myself until I asked for help. Togeter with my therapist I was able to recognize that he had this disorder and its sort of a relief at this point because he has every symptom so it makes sense to me. The pain will take some time to go away but if you educate yourself on this condition it surely helps justify your decision. They need to want help - if they don't than it is a losing battle - sadly for them in the end.


Neen 4 years ago

I am overwhelmed by the feeling that I am finally not alone. My ex husband of 19 years is a Narcissist. Everything I just read describes exactly what happened to me.


Kenna Kane profile image

Kenna Kane 4 years ago from Augusta Georgia

Great story. I'm amazed how well I relate. I married 2 narcissist. I think they seek out easy targets who love them and never question their behavior. In the end you end end up feeling so betrayed and bewildered. Read my hubs. They match every description. Thank you. Voting up!


Reluctant Shaman 4 years ago

Another great article from you sparkster.

Victims of narcissistic abuse need this kind of information to help them work out what is happening to them, well done.

The spectrum of narcissism exists on a continuum, from healthy narcissism, to unhealthy traits, and all the way to pathological Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If anybody has been unlucky enough to have been in a traumatic relationship with the pathological type, then they could be suffering from a condition called Narcissistic Victim Syndrome


ShalahChayilJOY profile image

ShalahChayilJOY 4 years ago from Billings, Montana

Great insights in your articles! Those of us that have experienced this abuse are so often called 'weak,' baby, egotistical when we fight back which leads no where..happens in the forums here even.

Anyone know what happened to all the people that aren't there anymore? Did they close their HP accounts or what?

Carl, Danielle, enlightened


kerry 4 years ago

I was with a narc for 4 years he moved me away from family although he was on good behaviour he still showed anger and extreme controlling jealous traits i moved and thats when things got worse isolated always telling me how women threw themselves at him etc etc made out people were against me i had ano ectopic pregnancy and on the day i had the injection we came home he caused ano argument and left this was xmas time he never came back until afteer new year but every night he phoned up to 40 times a day giving abuse and telling me he had slept with lots of women i had to go to doc for severe anxiety because of him accusing me constantly of wanting to sleep with other men he used to go mad about what i wore until i changed he belittled me thia was ano everyday occurance little did i know that when i finished the relationship because of hard evidence of cheating he would be so evil to turn everyone against me even people i thought of as friends he stalks me i went onto ano online dating site i was speaking to him as numerous people he is the mastr of manipulation when i was getting threats on facebook etc he came round pretending he was going to help me but then loved to see me in turmoil i am anxious again and i am paraniod he is still stalking me i involved the police and his first words were i am going to have to tell everryone now so i was like well you dont know who they are do youy??? He is warped obssesed with sex sleeping with anything cannot keep ano errection which i now know is all part and parcel of the narc personality i wish i wasn't so vulnerable at the time of meeting him but they just sweep you off your feet and another trait i didn't realise was they attatch and want to move in with you straight away omg it was litterally 3wks i didn't realise he just never went home lol, i just hope he gives up ruining my life but i read they dont they dont want you only the satisfaction of fear they get from you any attention is good in their eyes he calls himself the devil and i totally agree with him


4 years ago

I am curious about where you wrote that narcissistic abuse usually ends in suicide, manslaughter or murder? Can you elaborate on that, please?

I have been married to a man I believe to be a covert narcissist and am preparing to go through a divorce instigated by him and my daughter who is almost 7 years old has started to behave as if she hates me, called me a LOSER and flicked me in the head and said that she will be happy when I am dead on separate occasions. This is shocking behavior coming from her as we are/were up until a week ago very close. She also suddenly loves daddy in an exaggerated way that is unusual as of a week ago also....maybe two weeks?


sparkster profile image

sparkster 4 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Just to clarify, I didn't say it "usually ends in suicide", I said it "often ends in suicide"


Dancemom 3 years ago

J....i have a strikingly similar situation....my 7 yr old daughter has started to take sides with my narc husband and he lets her do whatever she wants...overriding me time after time...he twists conversations around and has manipulated me and our daughter....only now he's mad because I am slowly getting out of his grip...our dtr even "tells" on me if she thinks she can get me in trouble w him


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sparkster 3 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Sounds like he has her completely fooled by his facade, Dancemom - not an unusual situation.


DGR 3 years ago

I've spent 37 years with the man you describe. He has done all of this to me while I was rearing our five children. My faith in Christ sustained me and now he is becoming a super Christian and it is obvious to me he is imitating my faith. He can never steal my relationship with Christ! He cannot trust God, he can only trust himself.


sparkster profile image

sparkster 3 years ago from United Kingdom Author

DGR, thanks for comment. 37 years is a very long time, I cannot imagine how that must feel. Maybe he is imitating your faith because he believes he may also find it solace in it - it wouldn't be unusual for narcissists to steal such ideas from other people.

ShalahChayilJOY, I don't know how I missed your question which was asked 10 months ago but to answer, people used to be able to leave comments without signing up for an HP account - I do not know if this still applies.


DGR 3 years ago

Thanks for the response. My feelings are almost nonexistent. He is in charge of my life and at this point divorce will do more harm to me ... at least that is what it looks like to me at this point. Our youngest child is 18 years old and still at home. I would have offed myself already if he didn't need me. Though I try to put a bright face on for him I think he knows. I long for the day that he is free to live his own life un-attached to this prison of manipulation called 'home'. Only two of our children are totally controlled by their dad and don't realize they have been and are being used to perpetrate his false self. Three of our sons know about the affairs and question their dad's true self to a degree. All five of our children are confused as I have been for the last 37 years. I'm sending the above article to one son because he has questions. Thankfully my husband was not home during our children's formative years and they were led to believe their dad was a good dad ... deacon, elder, family man. Unknown to us during that time was the affairs, prostitutes and life of total deception. I know they have to deal with the absentee dad issues and oh, so much more. My deepest hurt is for our children. I pray God will help them to know the truth as much as they need the truth to live life in freedom from the past. Thanks again for your comment. I'm just reaching the phase of reaching out for help. Seeing him for what he really is is HUGE for me. I turned a blind eye to so much, even when I contracted an STD back in 1988 while I was pregnant with our third born. I feel so totally stupid but, this preachers son that I married has cleverly sold his innocent false self to soooo many people through the years and tarnished my reputation subtlety and thoroughly. He is surrounded by an army of defenders ... the isolation is the hard part as I am a people person. I rejoice in the two friends who have not been duped and remain my friends. I sent the above article to these two friends and they both said I could have written it based upon what hubby has done to me. Thanks again,


Alive by a miracle! 3 years ago

My God!

I’m speechless! I was actually within seconds from suicide thinking, I was the one ruining her the life!

My first and only wife died 3 years ago and for the ones who knows this terrible pain, I was in need of love, desperately in need to have someone in my life who could tame the emptiness left by a companion of so many years.

Then after 3 years from her death, my ex (actually my nightmare) came into my life, and what you described in your article above fits her profile to the point I find it difficult to believe it. From beginning to end her behaviour was exactly what you said!

In less then six months I was reduced to a larva, had lost 15 kilos, had no friends and was totally dependant from this monster!

I felt so trapped that eventually decided to end it all to stop “the pain I was inflicting her “.

To describe how I am still alive would be to long and painful.

The near death experience made me think hard about my two sons and grandchildren and they gave me enough courage to later find the gut to leave her but she would not let go.

The process of getting away from her, lasted one month with her always trying to get me back for more of whatever she was getting out from me but in the end, on our last meeting a month ago, I was strangely strong and calm enough to tell her it was the end.

I felt like a slab of ice had entered my brain, no way she was going to win me back that time and left no alternatives to her but to leave me alone from that moment onwards by proving to her without any doubt that I knew enough and was able to produce testimony from actual people to be able to prove to those who thought of her as the victim that in reality she was a liar, a slat and a narcissist.

I have now regain weight and although mentally scarred for life, I am trying to rebuilt my life piece by piece, I am my self again and strong enough to be able to talk about it and to say to anyone whom have the slightest suspicions they are victims of a narcissist to go and talk to their doctor immediately.

God bless my family!


Michelle B 3 years ago

I am educating myself on Narcissistic abuse as I was with a NPD and APD for 6 years. The most recent horror in me and my childrens lives was this past Monday when him and my son got into a physical altercation that stemmed from me asking a simple question, " Did you put gas in the car honey". From there it turned into a heated argument because he refused to answer a simple question and then said angrily to me I am not a child dont question me. I of course got offended because we had just reconciled after a one week break up and things were going good and I couldn't understand why he was back to his old self in less than a week. This has been my life for the last 6 years, if I create boundaries and tell him no for unreasonable requests he gets angry and devalues me and calls other females on the phone in front of me, he is always irritable unless he has his drugs, if I refuse to give him money for drugs because I am the the only person feeding and housing my family he goes into a tirade and compares me to other women. On several occasions we have stayed up 24 hours with him degrading and devaluing me he doesn't care if my kids hear it. He has called me every offensive name imaginable. I was called ugly everyday and compared to women on the tv. He cant keep a stable job and due to our numerous breakups and me putting him out he has moved 10 times in the last year, because others who believe his sob stories find out he is just using them and then they ask him to leave as well and always ends up trying to come back to me. He has no emotion during sex, I cant move or say anything or he will say shut up bitch. I have to please him for 2 to 3 hours at a time and this past week I said please can I stop I cant keep going it hurts, even when I started crying he made me continue. He thinks everyone should take care of him and everyone does but I refuse to I try to be nice when he comes back but I just cant because I have given this man my soul with nothing but hate in return. For years I couldn't figure out what was wrong I just knew the sex was weird nothing I ever experienced because my other lover was very emotional and attentive but he was the complete opposite. I finally found Sam V's videos on Youtube and I am educating myself on the abuse me and my children have endured. As I am writing this he is calling me back to back even sending my grown daughter threatening text messages and sending her pics of other women. I am trying to recover from this emotional abuse I am strong and a good person I know with God's help and my family I will rise again!!!!


Frankie Sexton 3 years ago

OMG my life is been a living hell I'm so glad that somebody somewhere knows something


me 3 years ago

I am in a relationship for the last few months, started feb now it's May. I can't say 100% this guy is like described but definitely he has the traits. Thankfully I am a strong and confident person which is why I wondered why am I having flashes of suicide bc I pride myself in being a very happy confident person now it all makes a whole lot of sense. I knew I wanted him for his looks which is always trouble. If he was short which I'm noticing with different shoes he actually is not as tall as he appears and this is with the hat on, image no hat and bare feet he's bold short and ugly. I noticed we stick with these men God fearingly and we are rewarded, it doesn't help to give up on a person judgingly without giving them a chance. And for the ladies who stick through the tough marriage that shows a lot of character so remember not to judge unless we like to be judged. I know my boundaries so I haven't let him take advantage of me to the extent bc I am also in control, my trouble now is how much will I take to leave him when we're not happy. We're not married no kids so it should be easy right? That's when I realize he's not an average person he's figured out ways to create a more permanent fort in my life where it's hard for me to let go easily. So that's where I'm stuck. I just moved to my apartment and I feel lonely and he's been around since I moved so I don't know how to not feel alone without him. I feel so lost. His gym ritual is the only think he feels upper hand over me and it explains why he says that's the only thing he got to keep him from spiraling in his life. Also he's an addict. I wonder if he is even capable of loving also cherishing me if he even knows what that feels like to give to me. I feel lost about the relationship. He is where I cope with now how can I do that about him. I can't recall why things turned so hard opposite, I think when he realized I would never let him move in with me.


Neesie G 3 years ago

OMG, I just recently ended my 10+ year relationship with my nightmare! I am at my lowest point ever. After 10 years of constant lies, verbal abuse and physical abuse, I have finally had enough.

He was to good to be true, the answer to my prayes, at least that is what I thought. As time went I caught him in a number of lies, he was always accusing me of cheating and would go from 0 to 10 in a second. But then then next day he was that really nice guy again and just loved me so much and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I spent all these years trying to figure out what was wrong, was it me, could it be. He constanly told it was me cause he "is a good black man".

The breaking point is when I found out he was cheating and exposed him. He lost it! He came to my home and assaulted me infront of my 16 year old daughter. That ended with him going to jail for the weekend and being charged with Domestic Violence by strangulation which is a felony. Even after all that I still wanted to talk to him and make sure he was okay. It like a bad drug addiction, I know he is not good for me but I keep going back. I actually made contact with him and of course, everything that happen is all my fault. He was being really nice during our conversation and then asked me to remove the order of protection and see if I can get the charges dropped. Hell No! Finally I am standing my ground. On top of all this he has found him anothre victim. The lady that he was cheating on me with, went and got him out of jail that Monday. I mean really what woman woud go and get a man out of jail that is in there for Domestic Violence (one who is being abused).

I have never felt so low in my life. I constantly have thoughts of suicide because the hurt is unbearable. He has robbed me of everything with his constant mental abuse that he has inflicted on me. I feel so discarded by this man and I am suffering everyday because of what he did to me. I spend most of my days and nighst in the bed crying, I dont want to go outside and be around people because of the abuse I have suffered. I read a lot of blogs that tell me it is going to get better, but when?


noman 3 years ago

Good post. I think that the thought that abuse leaves dark stains on your soul that will never come off is exagerated. It does go away with time if one really wants to let go and forget and taste the beauty of life.


Anna P. 3 years ago

Narcs like this want what they want, at everyone's expense. They have poor judgement, even though they may seem in control in certain areas like a career.

Please pay attention to your instinct. I've seen red flags like many business trips (but away with other women), long days at the office all the time, sexy assistants, another condo (a front to have affairs), friends whispering sightings with other women etc.


Liz 3 years ago

I enjoyed reading your article and found it to describe a lot of the traits of a man who I just parted with. It was tough, and I found everything in him to be extreme. When he was good, he was extremely good to me, and when he was bad, he was extremely bad to me. It was hard to walk away because I was so wrapped up in the good that I didn't really stop to think and question the bad. I just loved the good so much. Although, if I did decide to talk to him about something, I had to be very careful about how to talk to him about it. He was extremely sensitive. I felt like I was always walking on egg shells. He made big issues over the smallest of things. He never chose his battles but instead got very angry each and every time something didn't go his way. He belittled me in subtle ways by saying things like, "Come on...you're a smart woman" when he expected me to agree or do as he thought fit. He lied about his career and made himself out to be something bigger than he actually was by making comments and doing little things such as making dinner reservations under "Dr.xxxxx." He was a complete dream turned into a nightmare. Reading articles like these help me understand what I got myself into and help me to sympathize and forgive. I still feel love for him, but I also feel sorry for him. Thanks again for sharing.


Sarah 3 years ago

Hi all. I have been married to a narcissist for eleven years. I'm about to file for divorce. Please, if you do nothing else, keep educating yourselves about narcissism and how horrifying and pervasive it is. I was so confused for so many years, and eventually lost myself in this relationship. There was always verbal and emotional abuse, disrespect of my boundaries, and on a few occasions, physical abuse. The worst part was the constant criticism and nit-picking, which was at times very direct, and at others, very subversive. When I found out he'd been having an affair for over a year (and had had others) I was shocked, and so hurt. We have two young children, I've always been a faithful wife, and he's the only person I've ever been with (which, I might add, was because he didn't respect my boundaries before marriage either- which I wanted to wait for). In a way I was relieved, because I knew my marriage was never what it should have been, but didn't feel like I had a "big" enough reason to leave. I now know that is crazy. If someone is mistreating you in any way, you don't deserve it, and don't have to live like that. and it is NOT your fault. I started praying that I'd be able to see him for the way he really is. I think a part of me was scared to, and was in denial. Not long after I came across a site: lisaescott.com (it's all about him.com)/narcissistic abuse. It has literally changed my life. Please go on this site, and others, (psychopathicabuse.com is another good one) and educate,educate,educate yourself! I can't stress this enough. You will go through all sorts of phases when realizing what type of person you're with. You'll feel like you're addicted to this person, and wonder why you can't let them go, despite the horrific things they've done to you. This is all due to the psychological manipulation they've been using on you. And you, just like me, had no idea they were/are doing it. Just that you feel like they're killing your soul and you're a shadow of your former self. Read everyone's stories (Post my story). You'll be shocked at how these Narcs are such cookie-cutter people. Always trust your gut. It is an inherent gift and a survival instinct. Pay attention to people's actions, not their words. And realize that staying is not an option. These people will literally use you up til the last drop, discard you and not look back- all while pretending to be someone completely different to the rest of the world! You're not crazy! You deserve love, respect, fidelity, honesty and to feel safe. These people CANNOT change, I promise. I didn't want to believe it either. I got into my relationship trying to "fix" my husband. Worst idea ever, will never make that mistake again. I am going to take time to fix myself, become a whole person, and eventually attract a healthy whole person who is a good person. Now that I understand these sick people, I want to shout from the rooftops to all women/men what they're really dealing with. It is SO confusing. Realizing the truth is a hard pill to swallow. Please don't think about suicide. This person, that is making you so miserable to the point of wanting to end your life- is NOT worth it. You are precious. You cannot see your own worth, neither could I. I am still working on it, have started therapy. Please follow the steps on the site (six steps), read everyone's story, and don't look back. There are resources- stay in a women's shelter if you must. These people isolate you from everyone and make you so dependent on them. Take your life and your freedom back. It will get better. Take time to figure out who you are again. Don't jump into another relationship! You will not be healthy enough to for a while- narcissists do a major mindfu*k on a person. Until you can take time to heal and focus on yourself (I know, seems impossible after being with a narc who demands all your wants, needs and desires to be dismissed, while serving only them)- otherwise you will continue to attract the same type of person, and only hurt yourself over and over again. I don't know any of you but I love you and there are other people who do too! You are worthy of love and respect. Sorry for the long post, I just know how awful and hopeless/helpless being in this situation can be, and how isolated and alone I felt at times. Educate yourself! Start loving and respecting yourself! Cut all people out of your life completely who don't do the same, whether it be family members, spouse, boyfriend, "friends", parents, etc. I hope this information helps. Hang in there! It does get better, if you start getting away from these truly evil people!


M. 3 years ago

Just left my N boyfriend (an actor) of 5 months - all the things that were described reminded me of my story ... The worst is that i had to leave a very public romance and also a very public break-up - no one knows his true character ... How sad ... Prayers and family have helped me go through it. Good luck to you all and remember that God is Powerful.


Lea 3 years ago

I was married to a man with NPD for 20 years. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done to leave him... It's been a year now. He walked away from his 3 children and already has replaced us all with a new family and life. It's a hard abuse to recover from because many cannot understand what i experienced and it is way to difficult to explain. I was so close to suicide when I was married to this man because I believed it was all my fault. Even though it was very hard to leave it was so very worth it because my kids and I are truly free!


Mark 3 years ago

This article describes my wife of 16yrs. I was a successful and quite wealthy professional businessman and she came from a family that had gone bankrupt. Her family had nothing, and she targeted me because of my wealth.

The lies, abuse, gas lighting, deceit, threats and the bizarre behaviour eventually took a toll on me.

After 7 years in an extremely difficult so called marriage, I

eventually realised that she had basically lied about EVERYTHING about herself.

My whole life went into a tailspin. I was an absolute emotional mess. I cried and curled into a ball for 2 weeks. I did not eat for 2 weeks...literally. I lost about 6kg in those 2 weeks. I remember telling her that I felt like I was dying inside my body.

I eventually went to a psychologist. He basically said that I wasn't the problem. He called her in and she was able to eventually manipulate him with her lies to the extent that I was defending myself in the room.

After 6 months I was diagnosed with leukemia. I was absurdly devastated. I had 3 children aged one, three and six.

My life went spiralling downwards. I needed someone to support me, and I quickly realised that she was getting ready to destroy me.

She came out with malicious lies about my parents, sister and me. The lies were so outrageous that people for some reason believe her.

I've had to defend my family and myself from these filthy lies and rumours that she has been slowly spreading about all of us.

I finally had enough about four months ago. I finally asked for a divorce.

She came to me with a 5K debt on her credit card. She has never worked during the 16 years she has been with me. I have paid for everything for her as if she were a spoilt little teenager. She even stole money from 2 of my companies.

Now I will have to pay her millions in the divorce, and she will be worth more than me.

These vampires are not even human. They are evil.

She can have all the money, but I will have my freedom.

I am going to look after my health and my boys.

The reason I posted this is because my gut told me after a few months of knowing her that she wasn't quite right. However, I thought I would be able to handle the situation and that she would eventually grow up and change...famous last words.

Look after yourselves.


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Heather Mcdougall 3 years ago

Beware! if they drive you to feeling suicidal and you admit it to your family doctor, your abuser will hold it against you forever, because I did that years ago and the doctor realised pretty quick it was him (the narc' nutter) not me.

Imagine the NPD's reaction when the family doctor put him into 'counselling'?

The NPD abuser thought he'd really fooled the family doctor and painted me as every bad thing under the sun.


Heather Mcdougall profile image

Heather Mcdougall 3 years ago

The really extreme, toxic, utterly malignant NPD'ers will never stop, so don't give them one more chance ever! If you are able to leave, do so immediately. If you can't leave, as I couldn't, then they will have to go. Now of course they won't want to go, and will literally instigate a war against you - a really dirty war. Be warned, there is nothing too low down, dirty, deceitful, lying, immoral and filthy for them to stoop to - they don't have limits like you do.However, this does not mean that they will win.The very predictablity of the nature of the NPD attack makes them vulnerable to you So see your family doctor and tell them the truth about the real demonic nature behind closed doors of your 'angelic' spouse.Tell your family and friends too. Warn them in advance,and warn them just how plausible the NPD'er can be as he tells them you are a nutter/alcoholic/ drug addict etc.

The freedom and quality of life when you get rid of your abuser is fantastic. Love and laughter will come back into your home, where previously there was relentless pessimism and misery. It won't take long to see a smiling , happy you back again. Well worth it!


silkred profile image

silkred 3 years ago

not always in relationships

I am a hang glider pilot and one of the other pilots I have discovered is a NARC, I crossed him about a year ago by making a joke youtube video poking fun at his use of powered hang gliders - seems innocuous enough - especially in a group that takes pride in "taking the piss"

however as I write I have had a year of feeling depressed upset and now I am almost fully isolated from the other pilots - some who I had seen as good friends but who now nolonger reply to my emails and can be seen to follow this person around like a puppydog

the NARC has recruited a little group, it is them, not him who act out - he is seen to be a hero, some sort of demigod - he has even been selected to represent the UK in the next world championships

if I try to talk with anyone about his behaviour - why I think I feel as I do - describe the latest manipulative whatever he has done then I am seen as some sort of weirdo

I have clearly stated in public for him to leave me alone - all attempts in the past to find some common ground became ammunition for him somehow - he goes after my friends sending them communications designed to undermine their opinion of me - the whole thing is utterly exhausting and has poisoned something that I had previously loved unconditionally - after all who could not love to fly - this is what we do and its a beautiful thing - only now I am forced to share space with this NARC and his sidekicks - removing the free flowing easy banter I would once enjoy...

now I am finding that I discover friendships among the others differently and in a personal way - the online arena is his - he is omnipresent there and trumps all utterances there - so talking with real people is the way forward for me now...

I have been debilitated and belittled felt depressed and now have no way to interact with the others - but I am ok now - or I know that I am on the road to being ok eventually - that feeling comes and goes - I have waves of depression that will crash over me now and again

its been anger that has helped me - that relentless absurdity of his attacks eventually broke into my anger - now it surfaces a lot - its like a little storm inside me - I know its not great - or healthy - but its better than feeling like jumping off a cliff...

Each day I try to learn more and try to think to something that is good.

I have every sympathy for anyone - anyone at all who is similarly blighted by this NARC monstrosity... stay strong


susan 2 years ago

Wow, I have been married twice both times to Narcissistic men. This marriage is much worse you described him in this article. I don't know how someone can make someone fall in love with them and marry them and you wake up one morning and realize you don't know this person at all. They lead a double life and everything you thought they were they are not. Everything they told you is a lie. They don't love you they used you. They married you to be a mom to their kids and so they could be free to do whatever they want and when you find out you are suppose to let them live like a single guy and date around sleep around with whomever they want. Its all crazy!


Barb 2 years ago

It's not my partner that's made me the victim, but my sister. And you described her and her "Army" to a T! It's a great feeling to know I'm not crazy! I dumped her out of my life with NO CONTACT a little over 2 years ago. However, I'm still abused by her "Army". One by one, I'm dumping them as well. The only people that TRULY know me, are the ones that don't know HER!


Now I can live 2 years ago

You are all amazing people as you can now truly see..this journey has just started and we need to look at blogs to educate ourselves and keep focussed on true love friendships and looking at seeing are friends as our family if the problem came from there.....when you find yourself consumed in thought about this terrible abuse please remember this one step that helps me....do not! Get in there head! You will never work out why as they have a mental problem ...get out of there head and move forward ...move forward by appreciating true love and friendships children in your life and simple things like a lovely day...you are sooo lucky as without a mental problem such as NPD you can enjoy these things not like that horrid NPD suffer ......good luck all...... Justice is what we want but justice can come in all sorts of forms....let go and as time goes on you go through different stages anger frustration ...depression ..and finally freedom it does get better...NPD DO NOT And CAN NOT SHOW EMPATHY so please don't think you can talk it through and show them your side you can not.................................................................sleep well...don't over think.....enjoy the little things....help a well deserving person or a stranger... Love this life.....and think yourself very lucky as some people don't pull them selfs out of this hell we call the web of the NPD....YoU DID and I DID thank god........


Deb 2 years ago

How can I get out of this?


DeeDee22250 2 years ago

I believe I'm caught up in being a victim very much as written here. I don't seem to be able to get out of it. Where can I get help, and is this related to domestic verbal abuse?

Can I write to you off grid somehow?


sparkster profile image

sparkster 2 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Yes, this is very related to domestic verbal abuse DeeDee22250,

You can contact me privately on Facebook under the name Sparkster Hubs.


k8ring L8d 2 years ago

This is now my daughters life…..so so sad……she began a relationship with a wealthy man who is certainly a narcissist…..she gave up her career and after an attempted suicide and therapy and my support ( refused to be part of his army) she has made one attempt to get rid of him and then went back. He has threatened to destroy her new career and her dignity and reputation. She is trying to break away slowly to make him believe it was his choice to end it. This SICKO definitely has the technical background, knowledge and money to really act on these threats. His wealth is the only thing he didn't lie about. The relationship started the end of October and already every detail you mentioned in your story she has been victim to.

She truly sees the sickness he has and after being such an up beat confident ambitious girl and to be victimized to false love, manipulation, shame, disrespect and making her feel like she is insecure and insane…

She knows it isn't her that it sick and that she will be fine without him.

She is terrified by these threats so if anyone has suggestions on how to get rid of him and how she can manipulate him into believing he made the decision to end the relationship so she can keep the home she bought and her Medical Device job please let me know. She does not need his money she had her home and another good job prior to meeting him…..she needs to get her things from his home as she moved in with him…..she is afraid he will get upset and paranoid if she moves things all out at once. He will retaliate if she does….she has no children is young and never been married…..she is absolutely beautiful and I am so glad she has finally come to her senses and regained her dignity…….I am just so afraid of what he will do if she leaves…..I don't live in the same state as her but we talk all the time on a private cell phone. He records and tracts her every movement…he knows everything about computer hacking etc. Please help to suggest a way to get rid of this Nut without putting her in danger. Thanks


dondee3006 2 years ago

Wow.... I was lucky enough to get away for my ex of 5 years, although It left me further behind in my life than when we met. I was abused in every way and I endured months of waking up to being raped.. I thought he was a control freak before I read this.. It was very difficult to get out as he is a licenced gun owner who had thousands of rounds of ammo and at least 4 guns I knew of.

Thank you for insight into what I endured, survived and (still) recovering.


Gail 2 years ago

I don't think I will ever really heal or trust any man in my life ...I am 49 now but I grew up with an NPD mom who also was a drunk and abusive to me. Than all though school and my youth I was called ugly and made fun of because I have a very large nose among other things... I was an ugly kid. Than starting at 20 yrs old I went from one NPD relationship to the next...abused /used by all of them ! In the yr 2000 I was in a 2 years one where he almost killed me, physically abused me, destroyed my life and my reputation which left me isolated to get help from the abuse. I got out of that one in 2002. The next lasted only a few months....he was arrogant, lured me in used me quickly, got bored and got rid me fast but not until he was done making me doubt my faith, my own opinions, mind thought and beliefs and decisions....I stayed single and got counseling for them... When I wasn't looking for anyone I met my last NPD who was the worst..2009 .because I actually loved him with all my heart and we talked about marriage and a baby...he was the man who said he loved me, gave me attention and acted like he loved being with me all the time...him and I were so much alike ( I thought)he even said he felt spiritually connected to me and it wasn't just physical...I was Christian when he met man and a very nice person, kind, thoughtful, generous and faithful ! He said he was also ! He played with my mind subtly ..I was always the one who did bad, hurt him or was wrong...it went so far as him telling me I needed professional help ! I got punished for months on end with silent treatment and avoidance and he even stopped saying he loved me. I begged forgiveness everyday but nothing..only on occasion he would email to remind me it was all my fault and I need help and how I hurt him !I got that help and He even brainwashed me to convince my counselor it was me who was at fault for everything and I needed to change ! Long story short....2014....he dropped me overnight, unexpectedly and cruelly...telling me don't bother crying cause it won't work and to go find someone else ! 3 weeks later I decided to dig for information on him ! His whole life was a lie and made up ! No one but his mother had anything good to say about him..they said he was cheating on me for 5 years taking women out to dinner....even his 20 yr old son bad mouthed him and said he was weird....a loner, lived poorly and owed money to people. He made it looked if he was a great dad and close to his son and so much more ! I was so deeply in love with someone who doesn't even exist... 3 month later I still am so in love with this non existing man and miss him so horribly. I have panic attacks and cry everyday, suffer depression and feel as if I want to die.. I feel ugly outside and inside ! Like I am not good enough...not only did he cheat on me...all my ex's did ! I am tired now..too tired to get well or work at getting well. I lost some of my hair over this stress and my face look so aged and worn down from these 5 years... I am tired of talking....just plain tired ! I want out ! I am sure right now he is with someone much prettier than I could ever be !....Well I am off to go cry again....


H@&$H@ 2 years ago

I have a mom Who behaves in the same manner as above in the description I am now a 15 year old Girl! I really want to change my mom ! No matter what! I am really getting Depressed about it! Whom ever I uproach with my Problem they say that I am misleading myself ! No one even cares about me ! I feel lonely! If anyone try to take by my side my mom will break the relationship with them! And If I talk about her behaviour she Either pummels herself or me! Sometimes I feel like leaving the home and running away from everyone ! I hope I get some Advice!


sparkster profile image

sparkster 2 years ago from United Kingdom Author

H@&$H,

Search up Gail Meyers, she is a writer who has a mother that suffers with NPD. You may find her articles useful. I don't know if she can offer any advice but it wouldn't hurt to try contacting her.


aprilmay123 2 years ago

Nessie I know you posted a while ago. I understand your pain-hope you're doing better!.I think mine was a socio. We broke up, I walked away, it took installing an app on my phone to block calls & texts. People after said he was a sociopath. He called me every name in the book-broke my finger, and interfered with my family. 9 months later time had healed and we met for a beer to talk, I wanted to understand why he called my dad someone he never met. My friends say you'll never get closure. All he wanted was sex. I was like are you kidding me? So to punish me a few days later he emails me: i slept with someone b/c you wouldn't sleep with me. I was suicidal, how could someone be so cruel when he knew I had finally healed? I layed in bed for 1 week-no shower barely and food. Friends say he's a parasite you're so much better. But I saw him again and he acts like he loves me so much, and it seems sincere. I've remained firm on no sex b/c I know he's dating girls we've been apart for 10 months now. He tells me he loves me but sleeps with random girls; I can't do that when I am in love-granted we were not together but it hurt to hear that. I'm so torn he keeps talking about this connection we have, that he can't talk for hrs with other girls, wants to grow old, etc. But I've waited 2 yrs to move in with him and there's always an excuse. It's so damn believable when I am with him


MeaganFreeman profile image

MeaganFreeman 2 years ago from California

This is well written and so incredibly accurate! Perfect description of all of the narcissists I have known in my life. Very well done!!


kate28 2 years ago

Gail please hang in there....this jackass that broke your heart is not worth it...you are beautiful so do not let yourself believe that lie.


CJ 21 months ago

Wow you described my mom!! She took away 39 years of my life that

I wish I could have back :( She would always find a way to tare me down when I was in a good mood or blame me for something I had nothing to do with. The list is way too long for the things she said or done to me, but she wouldn't let me reach my full potential and experiment with my new found hobbies. BTW, I did leave and finding my own happiness in life.


narcmania 20 months ago

Listen to your gut everyone!. I had a very off feeling about a guy who i utterly fell head over heels with. I wouldn't live with him or introduce him to my family b/c i'd catch him in lies. So many lies it was unreal-yet he was so addictive. I paid for everything! Pushed for a normal relationship-all he wanted when we got together was sex. I made excuses for him b/c he was 5 years younger late 20s. But what I've never seen in my life is a grown man throw a fit when he does not get his way! One day outside a supermarket I said something he didn't like he threw soda cans at me and the police were called. How I wish i put him in jail, they were ready b/c of the witness and I was wet. I did not know WHAT to think, he seemed harmless, jail over childish behavior? I couldn't do it! People if they show any violence RUN....3 months later he held me captive in his van for abt 30 min when i needed to get to a hospital!!! Anyway, prior I tried to give him what he wanted, but sometimes you just aren't feeling it (esp when he's not taking you on normal dates) He said if we lived together he'd see me everyday and it wouldn't seem like he was sex crazed. He finally admitted he slept with a girl who dropped by to buy drugs. He was a big pot smoker (i know a real winner, yet i was caught in the fog) I never met a single female friend, i even asked to meet one girl who was calling him about "biz" and she was genuinely a lesbian so what was the issue? After attempting to break up i did a ton of research and this is why i believe he's on the spectrum. "Most narcs have a huge problem multi-tasking human relationships. If they're preoccupied with someone else and having fun, you simply don't exist"This explains why I only met 1 or 2 friends and why he disappeared for days in the beginning which held me back;he was always welcome with my grp or he wanted to always hangout alone! Also: "your presence might wreck their fun, or their control or their agenda. Your presence means that ONE of you, you or the other will see the facade. The diff face the narc puts on for each person & they cannot wear 2 faces at once." WOW this explains so much of his ODD behavior. After breaking it off i ran into him at a local bar, i'm telling you, he was a DIFF person. Different clothes, wearing jewelry he never wore. I'd never seen him in a necklace or wearing rings....it was literally a different person. I now believe he conforms to attract which ever victim he's after. Cutting him off was almost impossible!!!!!!! I could go on and on, his whole life is hidden. Yet he snooped enough to find contact info on a family member. His smear campaign started last may and is STILL going on. Does anyone know if the smears will last forever? He is a pathological liar who is so so sick! When will he give up?? I am a professional college educated woman and he's spreading i'm a hooker-they are sadistic. I just want it to end. Why is he stuck on me? Is it because ultimately i denied him and ended it? Any advice appreciated.


Betsy 19 months ago

I'm in the middle of ending a 5 1/2 year marriage to a man I know now has NPD. The verbal abuse started the night we returned from our honeymoon...two weeks after our wedding, and after I'd been diagnosed with uterine cancer 2 days after we married. At one point he assaulted me and spent a weekend in jail and six weeks out of the house. He's not interested in anything that benefits anyone but himself, and apparently his behavior was a large factor in the ending of his first marriage. My mom passed away in January (she lived with us, at his request) and in February he divorced me fraudulently. My attorney got the divorce decree set aside this week, now I have to fight (with my lawyer's help) for what is rightfully mine after giving up my career to care for my husband as he has a chronic physical illness. He tried to convince ME that I was the one with the mental problems; luckily he didn't succeed with me, my family or my friends. I can't wait to be free of him and those who are duped by him. I don't feel like I will ever trust another man or ever marry again.


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 17 months ago from Nashville Tn.

Thank you for this enlightening, educational hub on Narcissistic Abuse. What an eye-opener! Well done and will share with others.


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 17 months ago from East Coast, United States

What would make a person act like that? To think that a narcissistic person would work so hard to hurt the one person who loves them best is baffling. It seems, though, that there are a lot of them out there.


mari 15 months ago

My ex-to-be is a narcissist, and for the last few months I've been trying to gather the courage and tell him to get out of my life. I have to go to the bank for him because he doesn't have an ID and he doesn't want to get one because he doesn't want the people in this town to know about his criminal record (checking it out is apparently the only way to confirm his identity), I do all the cooking and probably 95% of all the chores, if he has to do chores he gets really angry and I can't stand it. He yells at me a lot and I've only yelled back twice, on the second time I just kind of roared and fell down to my knees because he just kept following me and yelling at me, that time he told my mom that I'm fucked up and a horrible person and then he left. For some reason he came back and he's threatened to leave me probably 10th after that. Money is always an issue, we're poor but he refuses to admit it. He has to get chips and candy almost every day, if he doesn't he's very angry at me for "spending all the money". He gets angry when I pay the bills, he ain't always eat dinner when he's angry at me and then he'll be angry about wasting food. I can't invite friends over very often, but he invited his brother to live here and told me that he's just coming here for a couple of days. My computer broke right after I came back from my 2-week camping trip, he had been using it while I was gone. He keeps spending the money that is supposed to be for buying a new hard drive. He wants to grow a lot of weed, opium poppies and magic mushrooms and then gets angry if I say that I don't want to live like that. If he hurts my feelings and I cry he just gets angry, yells at me and calls me names and threatens to leave me and then he gives me the silent treatment. Last time I told him to move out, but after 2 days of silence he started to talk about getting married. He has also said that we should have sex when ever he wants it and when I turn him down he gets angry. All I can think about nowadays is telling him to get lost, but I'm scared of the shitstorm that'll follow.


RNA 15 months ago

My older brother is a narcissist, and I slowly figured it out over several years of living with him. He exhibited many of the traits outlined in this hub; good work Sparkster. I think the end of the article got unnecessarily despairing, with the parts about suicide and manslaughter. I think people can always bounce back from narcissistic abuse and emerge stronger. It takes time and is probably best done with a good therapist and other realist, unjudgemental people who understand. So what if the narcissist has an "army?" YOU know what they are really like, and once you know this, you're immune to their abuse. Narcissists don't actually have any power - they're like a kid throwing a temper tantrum when they don't get what they want, blaming you when they're criticized. Once you're familiar with their techniques, you can see the narc as the predictable cartoon character that they are (and laugh at them internally until you're free of them).

Usually the people in the narcissist's legion don't know them too well, or have some affliction themself (gullibility, low-self esteem, poor grasp of reality, co-dependency) so just make new friends/family if they won't believe you. Also, a lot more is known about mental illness these days, so don't be afraid by the narcissists attempt to make you look "insane"... the narc saying "they're crazy, they're imagining things" is an unsophisticated portrayal of mental illness and makes them obviously the blamer.

My brother's narcissism was evident to me through his "build himself up, while putting others down" techniques... he'd create an image of himself as savvy, cool, talented, while picking scapegoats to make seem weak, ugly, ridiculous, etc. It's all sleight of hand, with no reality to it: making himself seem untouchably big by claiming he's great, while others are stupid. Narcissists, in my experience, also show inflated emotion, with no substance behind it. If someone makes you feel excited and like you're having fun, but like there's no meaning/vulnerability/human-ness behind it (it doesn't feel fulfilling, it's like a sugary treat that dissolves in your mouth) and if they are flattering you, and directing everything towards their wants while ignoring yours, you might be getting caught up in the snares of a narcissist. They also might be ashamed if they're embarrassed or make a mistake, and will then lash out at someone else to cover it up. They will also perform for a group, and appear funny, charismatic, and beloved by everyone, because they have to be in the spotlight. Do you, a mature adult, really need to be a part of this phony stage show? We are all just people; no one is the "best" or the "highest"... people that are acting like they are, are ones to watch out for.


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 10 months ago from Nashville Tn.

Thanks for this insightful hub into the workings of the mind of NPD. I too been a victim of someone with this disorder. I tried everything I could think of to deal with this person with NPD. Nothing worked. I moved away.


sparkster profile image

sparkster 9 months ago from United Kingdom Author

Unfortunately, in many cases the only option is indeed to cut off all contact. If you attempt to expose them, they will destroy you. The more you try, the more they'll make your life a living hell.

@RNA

I should point out that I have written about specific cases where murder and/or manslaughter have indeed happened as a result of narcissistic abuse. Brian Blackwell is one example, Yvonne Freaney is another.


Ashley 9 months ago

Just turned 3o yesterday, and for my 4th birthday being ruined I decided to look this up and it describes my partner exactly...this is how he's been for 7 years!!!! I have had it, reading this just made everything make sense. THANKYOU


Anonymous 5 weeks ago

I am almost cathatonic. He has done all what you described. I was an independent succesful professional. Everything I willed came through. I lost my reputation, all my colleagues that knew me well and respected me turned on me for no reason. Gradually i could not get any contracts. I paid for his schooling to become also a simultaneous conference interpreter. I master 5 languages, but worked in 4 in any combination thereof, i miss my work the most. My mothrr snd my sister also turned against me with no explanation! They just look at me as if i were a pariah and all they say is "you know" The killing stab is to have my only and dear son, my buddy, my friend stop talking to me! I want to die how ould they abandon me, i can't eat and the only people i talk is the delivery. But the food gets spoiled iam dying please help me, i

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