Recovering From Xanax Addiction

It's been almost two months since I've taken any Xanax (alprazolam). To tell you it's not that difficult would be a complete and total lie. In fact, it's been one of the hardest things I've done in my life. Is it worth it? Yes! Do I always like it? No! Why did I quit? My son, of course. My son is my world, and I love him with the entirety of my being. I use to subscribe to the philosophy that an alcoholic or drug addict could only quit for themselves. That's absolute rubbish! It just takes a very strong motivator. I'm proof of that! I could see where Xanax was going to interfere with me raising my son and I couldn't stand the thought of not giving everything I had to the one thing I've done right.

If all I had to think about was myself I would probably still be using Xanax - actually I'm almost certain I would be. Sometimes it's so difficult being honest with yourself about matters such as these; let alone friends, family, and complete strangers. Why can I say with almost complete certainty that I would still be taking Xanax? That's easy - life is a major struggle for me. I'm not comfortable with my mind, or for that matter in my own skin. I honestly never have been. Even as a child I felt life was sort of like a play and I was always sitting in the audience. I could never connect. I usually feel either completely disconnected, or absolutely at loose ends. I become over stimulated very easily, and then the fear becomes absolutely paralyzing. It's a very strange feeling. Don't get me wrong, the thought of death is pretty scary too. What if dying is worse than a panic attack? What if there's a hell and that's where I end up? So, even if I didn't have a child, that would be a pretty good motivator to be alive. But alive with Xanax would at least make life a little more comfortable. I know that sounds horrible, but it's simply the truth.

Two months without Xanax and their are times I still want it so badly that I can hardly stand it. I've almost convinced myself a time or two that I could just do it once, but then intellect wins out. But the thought of taking about 4mgs of Xanax and entering that blissful relaxation that I cannot seem to achieve any other way, and simply slipping into that uninterrupted sleep is never far from my mind. Wow, if I could only achieve that on my own. I truly hope one day I can. I have to tell myself that I will be able to.

But, as for today, I want my old friend Xanax. Just for today. I fantasize about it taking me away to a place where the things that ail me can't get to me - where I can relax and be normal - where I'm at peace.

Comments 25 comments

k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California

Good luck and thanks for sharing! It is amazing how our children motivate us, isn't it? It must be very hard...but 2 months! Excellent job!!!!


KatieE39 profile image

KatieE39 7 years ago from Colorado Author

Thank you, Kari! It is difficult, sometimes more than others. It felt good to vent. Tomorrow I may regret having written this. (-;


jill of alltrades profile image

jill of alltrades 7 years ago from Philippines

Keep on with it Katie, we will be cheering you on and praying for you. Congratulations! You are very brave for sharing it here.


KatieE39 profile image

KatieE39 7 years ago from Colorado Author

Thank you, Jill!


shamelabboush profile image

shamelabboush 7 years ago

I beliebe and know that your kid deserves every sacrifice from you... Good luck.


KatieE39 profile image

KatieE39 7 years ago from Colorado Author

Absolutely, he does - that and more! Thank you!


lmpowelljr profile image

lmpowelljr 7 years ago

Katie, We are praying for you. As you seek God, pray for total peace. He can carry those burdens for you and bring you to that place where you feel safe and even better...confident. Pray that He will show you what it is to be wrapped in His loving arms. When things get tough, pull out your Bible and read and pray that God will show you things. Call a friend, I gave you my number on email earlier. The Bible says, "where 2 or more are gathered, He is there in the midst." We'll pray.

I am glad that you are thinking about your son. Children are a treasure from the Lord. God uses many people to help us stay on track and he is using your son now. God bless you!


KatieE39 profile image

KatieE39 7 years ago from Colorado Author

Thank you for your prayer. I sort of regret writing this hub and almost deleted it, but I decided that there is a reason I did, so I'll leave it. If nothing else I can look back on it one day and realize how far I've come. Yesterday was just a bad day - not all days are like that. It felt good to be able to vent through my writing. I have always prided myself in being a good mother, and never wanted to do anything to jeopordize that. I'm glad I caught myself I ended up going in the other direction. Thank you again.


skye2day profile image

skye2day 7 years ago from Rocky Mountains

You go girl. Writing your hub took courage.Christ will pick

you up and carry you when you feel you can not take the step. He did not pull you out of the ocean to throw you back in. Read a few of my spiritual hubs, I believe you will be blessed. Christ has many wonderful plans for you and your son. You are a wonderful testimony to your son. One day at a time my friend. I too am in recovery. Joy, peace, abundant life awaits you. Jesus waits at the door. Knock he will open. He is the way, truth, life. Please email me anytime. You biggest fan is GOD He Loves you, he wants you to have life and More abundantly. The enemy comes to steal, kill, destroy. Christ will give you peace. I know fear. I can relate, today I know no fear.It will get easier God is for you.

With Love


KatieE39 profile image

KatieE39 7 years ago from Colorado Author

Thank you for the encouragment, Skye2day! Congratulations on your recovery and keep up the good work!


wordscribe41 7 years ago

Congratulations, I'm in recovery myself, so I understand your plight. It gets even easier over time, trust me. I don't even think about using anymore. You're on the right track, hang in there.


KatieE39 profile image

KatieE39 7 years ago from Colorado Author

Thank you, Wordscribe41. My hat's off to you for your recovery, too. (-:


elayne001 profile image

elayne001 6 years ago from Rocky Mountains

I, too, was addicted to xanax. I had four children at the time and they got to watch me go thru withdrawals. Not a pretty site as you know. Along with prayer, I found I still need something to calm my anxieties so I take a low dose of imipramine which is not supposed to be addicting. It helps.

Check out this site.

http://www.anxieties.com/anxiety_medication_TCAs.p...

hope you can feel better soon. xanax was very addicting and I grew tolerant to it so I needed more to get the same affect. Aloha!


sunflowerbucky profile image

sunflowerbucky 6 years ago from Small Town, USA

You seem like a very strong person and I know you can do it! The mind is a very powerful thing and you have already won half the battle in believing in yourself. Good luck!


Sage Williams profile image

Sage Williams 6 years ago

Xanax is a powerful drug. This is one of the drugs that I overdosed on. I commend you on your recovery, you will gain courage and strength with each new day.

I'm so glad to see that you are writing and sharing. Reaching out is huge. Congratulations and peace on your journey through healing.

Hugs to you,

Sage


KatieE39 profile image

KatieE39 6 years ago from Colorado Author

Thank you, Sage. I hope things are getting easier for you as well.


Wealthmadehealthy profile image

Wealthmadehealthy 6 years ago from Somewhere in the Lone Star State

Katie: I hope you are doing well...you know Jesus loves you and will keep you strong. Read in your Bible in Psalms...they will help you...The beauty of the Word will uphold you in every way.

May God Bless You richly!!


brightforyou profile image

brightforyou 6 years ago from Florida

Hi Katie - you are incredibly strong - amazing that you have given it up - I understood how much you still long for it.. I wrestle with it every day. Today I wrote about my 'love affair' with Xanax which, like all toxic relationships starts out wonderful, then becomes a dependent, controlling nightmare.. the ambivalence of wanting to be in that warm, safe place inside - combined with knowing its powerful addiction is such a battle I can totally identify with - as would all people who have found themselves (through no fault of there own) needing a substance to help them feel okay.


K m 5 years ago

Here's an idea...get a job! That will take your mind off your personal problems...

I take Xanax to fall asleep every once in a while as well, but I don't see how anyone could be addicted to it. And this coming from a former cokehead in my younger days.


KatieE39 profile image

KatieE39 5 years ago from Colorado Author

K m: I actually do have a job. Thanks for the idea though. And I'm so glad to hear that you aren't addicted to Xanax, and equally pleased that you are a "former" cokehead.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 5 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Hello KatieE39. Just finding my way to your hub -- 18 months after you wrote it! No matter what our drug of choice is, we're all trying to fill that hole, quiet our minds and feel comfortable in our own skin, aren't we? I could soooo relate to your description of being a child and feeling like you didn't fit in. How many times have I heard (not to mention FELT) that? Hundreds if not thousands!

Congratulations on getting off the "Xman."

If you are still having cravings and feeling "squirrely" may I suggest an AA meeting? AA is not just for drinkers. Pretty much everyone I know did at least as much drugging as drinking. The principles of recovery are strongest in this program (NA is good, too).

It really helps to be able to let your hair down with other people you know "get you."

All the best, MM


charis 5 years ago

thank you.


lafamillia profile image

lafamillia 5 years ago from Soutcentral Europe

I know how is to be addicted to benzo's and ... many more... I will write, INSPIRED BY YOU, a hub about it... KEEP IT GOING and DO NOT LET YOURSELF "DOWN" in ANY MEAN for ANY THING ON THIS WORLD. Nothing is precious like Your life, human life in general - especially if someone is so nice and kind like you.

Greets from Serbia.


KatieE39 profile image

KatieE39 4 years ago from Colorado Author

Thank you so much! I only just now saw this. (-:


dssmithcreative 2 years ago

Congratulations. Although I cannot speak for you, it has been my experience that I HAD to quit for myself. The law forced me to quit. Didn't work. Quit for a girlfriend. Didn't work. Quit for my wife and stepson didn't work. For me it had to be about being sick and tired of being sick and tired with MYSELF. Just be diligent of what I am saying. If you really are and addict, it appears to me and and MILLIONS of other that working the steps, cleaning house, and helping others is the only way we've found to become and stay sober. I wish you all the very best.

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