Reflections, digressions and poor digestion 2

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A rude awakening

I slowly opened one eye then instantly shut it as a searing pain flashed through my head. The reality was too much to contemplate, the barren desolation and blazing bare bulb glaring down at me. The bangs and echoes sounded like they were from the depths of hell and had to be. Someone was watching, I focused on it, the eye, peering in from outside at me, mocking and disgusted. It merged into skin then a mouth with a supercilious smile that would have snapped me in it's jaws without a second thought.

The deafening, metallic slam ricocheted around the room, mirroring the throbbing in my skull which felt like it was being squeezed. I painfully rolled on to my back and was temporarily blinded by the bulb above me like an overseeing eye. I was shivering uncontrollably and breathing in sharp, jerky spasms. I sat up slowly allowing my aching head time to adjust to the movement then retched violently purging nothing but fizzing bile.

Sobbing and shaking I hugged myself, trying desperately to get warm but could not stop my teeth chattering. My fuddled head tried desperately to piece events together but could only manage a few snapshots of me and my boyfriend Joe sitting in the pub together, him gazing at me like he was the happiest man in the world and me knowing I was truly blessed. This warmth seeped in to my core cushioning me from this alien starkness, at least for a minute until paranoia took over.

An overwhelming compulsion to scream took over me and I silenced myself by clapping my vomit soaked hand over my mouth. My eye zoomed into the eyehole I had been viewed from earlier. Was someone watching me again? I heard bellows of laughter echoing around the institution green walls. The small hatch with the eyehole scraped open painfully then slammed shut making me jump out of my skin.

My head throbbed excruciatingly, I pressed my forehead and winced as the pain became unbearable. There was something wrong with me, my shaking turned into spasms and I couldn't make it stop. I wanted my cats desperately. I would have given anything to feel the warmth of their velvety softness now. Where was Joe? I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything was ok.

Paranoid thoughts flooded through my brain, I looked down at my hands, why was there blood all over them? Why was I aching all over, why was I shaking? Why was I here? Why would no one tell me anything? I hurled myself over to the door and screamed 'Why am I here? Someone talk to me please!'

More laughter in the distance, then footsteps. The door hatch was thrown open, an eye peered in and looked straight into mine,

'you stabbed your boyfriend love' the voice said...

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Comments 44 comments

billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

There but for the grace of God, go I!

Dark for sure...painfully real to me....well-written, without a doubt!

Good to see you writing, Tara! I hope this finds you well. Drop me a line sometime and fill me in on life.

bill


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Oh Bill, thanks so much for your support. This was so hard to write which is why it's taken me so long. It's important I do it though to try and get it out of me and to counteract the lies he sold to the media. Thanks for your support my friend.


bac2basics profile image

bac2basics 4 years ago from Spain

Hi Tara.

Bill said it all, and my wonderful late husband used his quote so many times too.

Keep fighting the demons Tara, you can find sobriety.

Big hug for you my friend :)


bac2basics profile image

bac2basics 4 years ago from Spain

Hi Again Tara.

I tried to find the link where I could send an email to you , but can´t find it. So am sending a message this way instead.

I know you are looking for work so check out emoderation.com, it´s a virtual moderation company and I know they are looking for staff now.

I wish you luck. Hugs Anne :)


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Anne, you are a star! Thanks so much. I will look them up now!

Things are much better these days, this all happened over three years ago and I never thought i'd see a day where I'd want to go on but things have gradually got less painful. Losing my teaching career will haunt me forever not to mention everything else but I finally feel that I want to live life. Sending a big hug to Spain to you! :)


leni sands profile image

leni sands 4 years ago from UK

Gotcha! Voted up Awesome and shared among hubbers.

Deep. Terrifying. Thought provoking and 'very real' - keep up the good work, you are doing brilliantly.

Once you have written this book no matter how difficult it is to let it all hang out, once you have exposed the truth and faced your demons, you will find that life does get better.

PS don't forget to link it to your first chapter. You can also use the links button to link to your other hubs and similar hubs from other hubbers (if that makes senses at this time in the morning before I've had my third coffee - lol).

BTW I read another hub the other day on article writing and being paid per word!?! Interesting, eh! I will see if I can dig it out for you - some really good sites mentioned in the hub, try searching for 'pay per word' it will probably come up.

Vote


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Anne, I just tried to email you but didn't know how to either! I looked at the emoderation site and they state that any employees they take on are regularly CRB (or police) checked. This sadly is the reason why I can't get work anywhere. If you have a criminal record it would seem you are unemployable, even working as a volunteer you are CRB checked. I was lucky enough to get an understanding employer where I volunteer who know's I am a good person and empathises with my addiction issues. Thanks for thinking of me though, I really appreciate it. Tara :)


bac2basics profile image

bac2basics 4 years ago from Spain

Hi again. So sorry emod didn´t work out for you, but I just had another thought. Why not teach English online, with Skype you could do so much more than just written essays. Here in Spain it´s now obligatory for children to learn English and they are crying out for help. If you set up your own online company then who´s to stop you doing it ? I don´t know how you would go about it all, but maybe it´s a solution until the record is spent. I wish you all the luck in the world Tara. Hugs to you :)


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Thanks Anne, I've thought about that. The only way i'll work again is if I start my own business. That sounds like it could be the way forward, i'm going to do some research and let you know how I go on. I'm quite excited about the idea in fact. Thanks! Sometimes it takes a pair of fresh eyes and a less fuddled brain than mine! I get so disheartened after three years of applying for numerous jobs and not getting a single response. Thanks for caring, have a wonderful day in Spain! :)


bac2basics profile image

bac2basics 4 years ago from Spain

Hi Tara. You are very welcome and I wish you loads of success with this. Mighty oaks from little acorns grow as they say, and there has to be a way for you to succeed. Hugs again :)


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Hi Leni, thanks for your words of encouragement. I know that it will be a cathartic process for me writing this and I just need to get it done and move on. I'm currently on my 3rd Coffee and can just about see now! I'm having a disgracefully decadent morning, in bed with Coffee, laptop and Cats! I don't get a chance to do that very often so I'm relishing every minute!


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Thanks Anne, I'll keep you posted! x


Hollie Thomas profile image

Hollie Thomas 4 years ago from United Kingdom

Hi Tara,

I've read the first part of your novel and now the second. You are such a talented writer, really. I can't imagine what this situation must have been like for you, all I can say, having read the comments about him selling his story to the media is; what a shit, was sending you to prison not enough for him?

The only thing I can add, is don't give to much of your novel away, because after reading the two installments I would definitely buy it. You've left me wanting more. :)


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Hollie, thank you so much. That means a lot to me. I went through hell and back and still don't remember what happened and never will. He sold his story to newspapers and magazines and the best bit is he has GBH on his record for assaulting an ex girlfriend! I wasn't allowed to bring that up! The judge totally fell for his 'victim' performance.

I'm delighted to know that you'd buy it. Thanks again, you've made my day (well night actually!) :)


Hollie Thomas profile image

Hollie Thomas 4 years ago from United Kingdom

Ah, the old inadmissible evidence! I'm assuming you spent your sentence at Style, how many other women did you meet there, or hear about, that were also forbidden to mention an X's violent behaviour, or controlling behaviour or provocation?

And yes, I would definitely buy it. I'm always really enthusiastic to read your hubs when I'm notified that you have published a new one. Sorry I don't comment much- I'm rubbish in the comments department! :)


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Yes, I was sent to Styal and was incredulous at the amount of girls who were there due to altercations with abusive partners. There really is something wrong in the world. I think the fact that I was a Teacher made the whole thing more scandalous and became a media frenzy.

Still, i've come through the other side and will not be taking any shit from anyone again that's for sure! Onwards and upwards. Thanks for your support Hollie, i'm so glad I joined here (despite all this idle hubs nonsense!) It's made such a difference knowing that people want to read what I right as i'll only truly be able to put the past behind me when I've told my side of events.


Hollie Thomas profile image

Hollie Thomas 4 years ago from United Kingdom

You're very welcome, Tara. And I sincerely hope your book is a bestseller- let's see how Joe feels when the tables are turned! :)


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Thanks Hollie and I meant 'write'not 'right'! What a plonker!


Hollie Thomas profile image

Hollie Thomas 4 years ago from United Kingdom

And I meant Styal not Style, another plonker!


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Ha ha! A pair of plonkers!


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Voted up and interesting. One fantastic and amazing and even scary situation. Wow never would want to wake up to something like that. Your book is certainly going to be one great read. Passing this on.


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Thanks Gypsy, great to hear from you. When i'm feeling down in the dumps I remember how I felt then, nothing seems so bad after that!


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

Wow...powerful stuff! when i finished reading it - i was about 8 inches closer to the monitor than i was when i started!

Brrrrrrrrr....

now - that is one true meaning of hell..

is there more to come?

voting and sharing with the hub-munity dear..


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Hi Im, thanks for reading and sharing. I think I might put one more bit on then consider trying to publish. I am skint and need to try and sell as many copies as I can! So chuffed you liked it:)


leni sands profile image

leni sands 4 years ago from UK

I see you're making waves with this stuff, Tara, next chapter due soon, I hope...


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Scary stuff Peanut, love the story!


Hollie Thomas profile image

Hollie Thomas 4 years ago from United Kingdom

Peanutritious, publishing is free as an ebook, I believe that formatting is a nightmare though. But you appear to have loads of people that will promote your book when it is published. I can't wait to read it, I'll even write a review-but not under my main account which has been slapped.


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Thanks Leni, i'm working on it and will keep you posted!


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Thanks Nell, great to hear from you.


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Hollie, thank you. If you could write a review, that would be wonderful. I plan to go down the self publishing route with some short stories but with this one, i'm going to send off to publishers first. If I don't get a favourable response, then at least i've tried. I really appreciate your support. Have a great day. :) x


travmaj profile image

travmaj 4 years ago from australia

This is so powerful and so full of emotion. Thinking of you and wish I could think of something that might help. Thankfully Anne bac2basics has the right ideas and support for you. This must have been so difficult to write but you've done it. Well done. And keep on writing - you will succeed. Sending hugs...


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

travmaj, thank you for your kind words. Writing about it feels like i'm putting it behind me finally. Hugs to you too :)


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 4 years ago from Central Florida

I certainly hope there is more to this. Otherwise, I say, always choose your cats over a man!


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

No contest there brave, my Cat's always come first!


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 4 years ago from Central Florida

So do mine, Peanut! I gave them up for a man once. Never again! Like me or lump me - marowrrrrr! :-)


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Too right! I once had a boyfriend say 'You love the Cat's more than me don't you?' My response, 'Yes! They were around a long time before you and will be after'. I was right!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

pssst...peanut.....I sent you an email...check your email. please.


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Hey Effer, I can't see an email from you. My email address is peanutritious@gmail.com. I no longer have the hotmail address.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

I went onto your profile page....and used the contact via HP that is in your fan mail file... You should receive it with your emails of notifications on new hubs written by those you follow......I wonder where it went? I think all email that is delivered to us via HP is a "gmail accnt....." but I don't usually know what I'm talking about.. HA! ask anyone. If you can't find an email from me, I'll send another.....and use the gmail address you gave me...


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Aha! I've just changed it from hotmail to gmail now. I've learnt something there, I had no idea how to email people on here before. Doh! That explains why I don't get any notifications from HP!!!


LizzieRoss72 profile image

LizzieRoss72 3 years ago from Cheshire

I was immediately sucked into your situation; the description of feeling nothing followed by gradual reckoning. Would love to read more!


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 3 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Thanks Liz, it's all a bit dis-jointed at the mo but currently working on my next chapter which is about the hold he had over me or my protagonist. x


Redberry Sky profile image

Redberry Sky 3 years ago

I'm utterly blown away by this (I don't know what's up but I don't get notifications of anyone's Hubs so I miss everyone's until weeks or months later - so I'm sorry I've missed quite a lot of your writing, I really am). I've only just realised that you're writing a book about your experiences, and I have to say that (as harrowing as the task seems) it's a brilliant idea, and you're a fabulous writer - I hope you do publish, and I'll add my voice to those who say they'll be the first people to buy it! (though since I don't get notified about *anything* in these parts, you might have to twitter me to let me know!)


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 3 years ago from Cheshire, UK Author

Red, i'm so sorry it's taken me so long to answer. I wasn't aware that you'd responded (probably my fault) and feeling a bit low perused through my comments to see that I was valued. I get disillusioned frequently but you've pepped me up loads. Thanks hun. x

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