Seeking help and maintaining hope

Pictures of happy moments

Never be too proud to ask for help in times of need!

It has been a current trend today that families in America are really facing financial and emotional stresses given the weak economy and the inner turmoil within our government to come together to address all the major problems affecting many families today. It really comes down to our leadership and their ability to establish unity in coming together in making the right choices for the benefit of our people. Proposed programs for assisting families in distress need to be considered, approved and implemented by both parties that make sense and have a positive impact on the financial, job and housing markets. It is a well known sign of the times that many people are out of work and struggling with their financial obligations and are facing the reality of foreclosure. The job market is very weak and it is taking much longer to find opportunities and in many cases candidates for consideration are willing to take less pay to just be working again so they can hopefully get back on their feet.

I have always felt uncertain when it came to my employment experiences because although I may put forth my best effort I still can be terminated so I have come to realize there is no such thing as job security today and there are so many people out there trying to find work so prospective employer's have more flexibility in firing and hiring since they have so many candidates looking for the same position and they usually try to underpay the prospective employee.

I certainly would also welcome the idea of building my own practice but find preparing tax returns which generally is seasonal does not go far in paying the bills. I have as many as 50 personal tax clients but I need a client base with established commercial and business accounts and it is not so easy to build a thriving practice from very little no matter how professional or competent I am. I also am only one person and currently seeing many doctors due to my emotional and mental health concerns. I also would need to establish right away with potential clients my transgender background if I don't go through legal name change for a female name which I would use Emily Denise Iannielli which is the same initials as my birth name Edward Donald Iannielli III. However it is not legal so that would not be the name I would be able to use and my CPA license is obviously in my birth name. The most difficult thing for me is to go through with the legal name change because I am very proud of my name as it was given to me by my parents and I was named after my dad who was my hero. I am very confused because I wish to present as female and the name Emily Denise would be more appropriate but at the same time I feel that changing my name would result in my having a sense of guilt and betrayal due to the intent of the name since I was named after my dad and grandfather.

Life is so complicated and filled with so much stress that at times people lose their sense of security and find themselves struggling and hoping to put an end to the pain they are experiencing. If life means having to pay your mortgage into your 70's and your struggling to find a job in your early 50's, what are the odds you will be able to pay your mortgage? I am in this dilemma and the reality is I'd rather die so my wife could collect my life insurance to pay off the mortgage and put our son through college while I finally find my peace and no longer have to worry about having to work until 72 in a horrible job market where I am a slave to the mortgage company. I'd just rather check out now then face that difficult and painful reality. If that is what life is all about then I feel the joy has been lost and my purpose is to be a slave to my mortgage which is a harsh and very painful reality.

The irony is since I started transitioning I am so content now with presenting as a female though I have to restrain myself from wearing women's clothes at home as mandated by CPS. Otherwise I will be threatened with child abuse and placed in jail according to the caseworker involved in the case who I met having known only an hour before that he was coming to interview me in the aftermath of having lost my job and being released from the hospital after spending 2 weeks there which came on the heels of my first hospitalization for 10 days after collapsing at the office after being notified of my termination 2 weeks earlier.

The CPS caseworker, very insensitive, mandated that my wife go to the courts to have a restraining order placed on me after all I have been through in the wake of calling 911 to have my son admitted to the hospital because he was having severe tantrums and screaming how he wants to die and he was fighting me so I did what I had to since I was alone with him and I was vulnerable and on antidepressants which affected me and he was crying for help. I did what any parent would and I was punished for it by CPS which I felt was an outrage. In his departure I really felt angry and desperate so I called his supervisor and I called him and I said if you don't allow me to remain in my home so I can take care of all I have to such as unemployment, disability and my mortgage I would just give up so he wound up calling 911 and I found myself back in the hospital and was admitted because of the restraining order and how it impacted me.

After speaking with my doctor she called my wife and the caseworker decided to change the restraining order to a refraining order so I could remain at home and have a relationship with my son. He still accused me of wrongdoing and I am fighting it even if I have to go to court because if anything I am trying to do my very best for my son and I should not be brought down due to the ignorance of a CPS caseworker who knows I am being treated for severe depression arising from a family history of depression and suicide, job loss, financial insecurities and my transgender issues.

I also have an autistic son who struggles and has a very low self esteem and feels very alone and isolated. The main concern I have is that he seems down continually and barely smiles and when I think back to my childhood and my inner struggle I felt exactly as he does and although it is under different circumstances I can't help but feel guilty and part to blame and sadly it is like staring back into my childhood so I know exactly how he feels and I'm trying so hard to reach him and help him through this. I spend the weekends with him and try to allow him to do things he likes but at times it seems we have more limited options due to my present circumstances and I don't want to have my son needlessly worry as he has enough on his plate. I just want to help him find his happiness and work on building up his self esteem.

In addition to financial concerns I have dealt with many personal issues and struggles that over time can affect you in ways where you become self doubting and no matter how capable you are your self esteem has taken a beating and you start to develop a poor self image which impacts how successful you become in life. I was always straight laced and very compliant and respectful. I was also very shy to the point I was afraid to talk to people or be around them even through my school years. I was a loner type but I was very responsible and devoted to my family as a child growing up, to my school work and to athletic endeavors such as baseball and cross country. I was also a very secretive and private person because I knew I was different and realized I have struggled with gender dysphoria all my life knowing that I was a girl at the age of 4 but realized I was trapped.

This affected me in every aspect of my life and the hardest part was I never had anyone I could talk to about it. I was very lonely and isolated and I had parents who were wonderful but had the sad struggles with their health which made it very hard for me to say anything. My mom lived with depression her whole life and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals but was never able to cope and eventually she would lose her will as she was 50 when she passed in the hospital. My last recollection of my mom was when I asked her in a gentle but firm voice to squeeze my hand so at least I would know that she was still with us and although she lacked strength and seemed non communicative she did manage to squeeze my hand which gave me a tiny measure of hope though in my heart I felt she would soon lose her fight. I remember learning of her death three days later as my sister sat me down to tell me and I just cried like a baby thinking back to that very day my mom held my hand for the last time. It was so tragic for all of us. My dad lived for almost 20 years beyond our beloved mom and that was his only love so that really affected him in the years following and he resorted to alcohol and was also suffering from depression and was treated several times in hospitals and treatment centers and in the end he could no longer bear his pain so he sadly seemed to have either been under the influence of alcohol or extremely depressed when on April 16, 2009 he was struck by a speeding train down the block from my sister's house dying instantly.

I always knew I was different as a kid struggling with my gender as I was always envying the girls and the pretty dresses they wore and I felt I should be dressing and living as a girl too and it was a major conflict with me since the age of 4 years old. I was very secretive and painfully shy so I had no one to talk to or seek support from. I felt all alone and had to deal with this huge burden all on my own. No one truly can understand this type of pain but I will tell you it is very painful and very difficult to deal with especially when you have no support system and the idea of suicide has crossed my mind on several occasions including my teenage years and especially when I had to suffer through male puberty which was a very painful and emotional time for me as I was hoping to develop as a girl like the ones I was going to school with and I just cried because I knew I was destined with a life as a male even though I knew in my mind, heart and soul I was anything but a boy. I was a girl who felt betrayed by nature and I was devastated and I remember one time at 16 when I went to sleep with a dress I loved which I bought on my own from the money I saved from my paper route and just felt so comfortable and natural. I just knew I was very feminine and had to hopefully find a way to transition to become female not really knowing when, how or if it would ever happen.

I wish to look back on my life with pride and a feeling that I was very loyal and protective of my family, that my life had a true purpose, that I made a positive impact in my son's life and made at least one person feel good about them self including my wife and son, of knowing my son will be ok and able to live a life and have the ability to find his way and do something positive with his life. I would feel so upset if I had to go through the pain of suffering financial difficulties that it would result in my feeling of having to take my life to protect my family from losing our house and leaving my wife and son alone hoping at least that my policies would pay out for their financial needs. That would be the saddest tragedy of all after coming out and being happy as Emily only to end my life over a mortgage company's decision to foreclose on our house we call home.

Edward Donald Iannielli III

aka Emily Denise Iannielli


Emily talking on being transgender Part 1 (1 of 2)

Emily talking about being transgender Part 2 (2 of 2)

Tribute drive over Verrazano bridge with my son

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