Stripped of a Gambling Addiction
Thankyou for taking the time to hear me out,
Gambling shaped who I was over 5 years, the urge to gamble.. no feeling could beat it. Endless times trying to find money to feed the habit, breaking anyone down emotionally who stood in my way. I became so occupied in my own addiction, functioning only to feed it. Cleaning was not a priority my appearence didn't matter. I could persuade anyone, I had the ability to twist any story in my favour. You didnt matter, you were only there because I needed you to reep from, why couldn't you see what was going on. I would say anything just for a glimmer of hope, Ill make you feel good about yourself, make you laugh untill your face hurts just for that spot of weakness, then ill pounce taking anything I wanted. It worked everytime with those close to me and those I didn't really know... I'm so sorry x
After a while, It wasn't about money, its the ups and downs, losing or winning brought a sense of fulfilment. When you start experiencing these feelings everyday they start to become mondaine you need something more powerfull, yet you still need to maintain the feeling you have become accustomed too. So you resort to stealing, lieing, cheating, your whole lifestyle begins to change due to this feeling, you need to gamble more just to feel the risk... winning was great! it meant you didnt need to resort to anything else and the next bet could be even bigger. When you lost the sudden impact of the bet you placed and the bitter sinking feeling felt equally amazing.
There was only one way this could stop, living this lifestyle had consequences BIG ONES and untill one of these sudden delights came along I wasent stopping. Finding a bigger better feeling became harder and harder, sinking deeper and deeper into debt yet trying to maintain a flat and a relationship. How was I able to keep things together! I wanted something bigger something better all the time, I became sloppy not thinking about what I was doing staying out of bed later and later. Work meant nothing to me nothing did, a small problem got in the way, I lost the flat due to not having any money, I didnt care there was other people suffering too.
The inevitable happens, something so big that it scares you. Im afraid untill this day happens in any addiction there will be no easy way out!
THE FEELING NO LONGER EXISTS! IM FREE!
Now 3 years on, debt cleared and back on my feet I need to give back to those who helped me in a way that they will be proud of. So I want to offer any help or advice to those who need it. I have set up an e-mail account, please pass me on to any friends, family members with gambling problems you are worried about and I will do my best to help.
Help me gain some self-worth back!
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