Subconscious Combat: Battling Depression

There's a distinct difference between a moment or event triggering a negative emotion, and dealing with that feeling for more than a moment's time, for what would seem to be no reason at all. That feeling of being low, as if you are worthless, helpless, and there is no hope. That feeling is depression at it's worst, and can often lead to suicidal thoughts or actions.

Much like it did for me.

I have been dealing with depression for quite some time, and just recently had dangerous thoughts of finally bringing it all to an end. I decided that wasn't the option however, and took myself to the hospital, where I was taken to a room and screened immediately for what it was exactly that had brought me in.

The doctor concluded the screening and told me that due to my suicidal thoughts I would be referred to a psychiatrist that would further determine treatment for my condition. I was unaware at the time that I would not return home for another 3 days.

The psychiatrist had suggested that I be held as an inpatient, in the Kettering Behavioral Medical Center, which is where one would stay  for an extended period of time and receive medical treatment during their stay. I was furious. I had sought help, not to be institutionalized.

I can honestly say though, now, after having gone through inpatient treatment for 3 days straight, that this event has changed my life in a way that I would have been completely unable to by myself.

Source

I am currently on a low-dose anti-depressant called Citalopram, which is generic for Celexa. I was at first ashamed at the thought of having to resort to medication, but the thought was quickly replaced with something that had been absent within my brain for some time.

Hope.

I now had something to help myself, and that gave me hope. It instilled in me a sense that things do not have to be as bad as you make them out to be, or perhaps they truly are.

This is a brief recap of my story. I reflect my personal thoughts in hopes that someone near you that you may think is suffering from depression can receive help from you and further treatment and guidance. Depression and suicide are very real, and very serious, and I have had my time with both, and can proudly say that I have come out a stronger person, ready to take on whatever life brings to my table. Without the inpatient treatment and the medication, I do not believe I would be where I am right now.

So speak up! If you feel a friend or loved one is combatting depression, and possibly having suicidal thoughts, help them! Reach out to them and show them that things might seem bad, and they could very well be truly awful, but there is help, and there are ways to handle something even as serious as depression.

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Comments 4 comments

rasta1 profile image

rasta1 5 years ago from Jamaica

I have been through depression, I know what it feels like, It feels like an heavy elephant sitting on my brain. After evil thoughts start coming into my head, I felt even worse. I started taking st johns wort. Then after a while I realized how this herb work. I threw away the rest of the capsules and then reprogrammed my brain to function in the exact way that the herbs would. After I found myself in a position to think clearer, I realized that my depression was triggered by my environment. So I moved away to another place and since have been okay. well I am going to hub on this experience since you have brought it up.


Ohzza 5 years ago

My girlfriend is on the highest dosage of Citalapram for depression and anxiety; amitriptyline for anorexia, insomnia, and migraines, and on wellbutrin to combat the sexual side effects of celexa. She also experiences seasonal depression and is recovering from a severely debilitating case of agoraphobia. It took months of me coaxing her and being very patient albeit, frustrated and a high dose of lorazepam for her to be able to meet me. We've been together for 7 months now and although some of the things she does, the way she acts seem immature and dare I say.... "crazy" I love her deeply. We don't officially live together but she stays with me about 4-7 days at a time and then goes back to her parents' for a few days. I'm sorry, I don't mean to ramble.. I should get to my point. Recently I've been experiencing her SAD or seasonal affective disorder. Despite all of her medications, she has horrendous mood swings, she will either be annoyingly happy and giddy; childlike, or so depressed and hysterical that nothing in the world could change her state. She sobs, or goes into a comatose like state, she might answer me if I repeat something over and over, but not likely. She'll just lie and stare for hours. And then she gets into fits where she wants to harm herself and I have to physically restrain her until she cries herself into a baby like sleep, from which she wakes up from not remembering any of it. She knows she needs help, she tells me so and she's worried that's she crazy and ruining my life, that she isn't a proper human and something is wrong in her head that can't be fixed. But her family is losing their house, she has siblings who also need care. She doesn't have a job because of her still strong anxiety issues and I can't get a job because I have to be there for her as often as possible. She thinks she NEEDS to kill herself because she'll "never be normal or happy and functional" nobody can afford to get her help. I really can't lose her but I feel like I'm betraying her but not helping her. What can I do? How can I help her? What is your advice? I know you can't fix this, but please, offer some words? Anything?


Taylor Lueck profile image

Taylor Lueck 5 years ago from Dayton Author

First off, let me say this: You are not betraying anyone. A persons life will pan out differently due to the involvement of someone else, and if anything, it would seem as though she has been positively influenced by your presence, so don't doubt you're ability to be there for her.

Now, for some advice. The first thing I can say to do, is to get a job. I know you said you have to be there for her as often as possible, but you also said she will stay at her parents place. This can be worked out, because she does need help. If she is on medication for various conditions, the combination might be doing more damage than it is helping, so she might need to be put on different medication that would total fewer medications than she is on now, so they work together in a more efficient and cooperative manner. This would be easier on her without a doubt, and would definitely help. She would also almost certainly benefit from seeing a therapist regularly. I understand completely that these things can add up and put you into a horrible financial situation, but the situation would be vastly improved if you had some income of any sort, be it part time and minimum wage or a full 9-5 job with benefits. Either you can get health benefits or apply for certain financial support, for example, when I got the bill for my stay in the hospital, it came with an application for HCAP, which would help me pay off my bills through payments based on how much I make. So while you are at work, she can stay with her parents, then see you when you're off and so forth, and either you can get health insurance to take a chunk out, or apply for financial help and make payments. Either way, she needs her medications reevaluated to make sure none of them are interfering with each other and if they are they need changed, and she needs a therapist. This can seem like a lot to handle, but it can work out, and through this dual system of therapy and medication she will grow and her conditions will get better. I wish you the best and I know you will do your best to help her. I hope I have helped in some way.


Ohzza 5 years ago

Thank you so much, it really helps to know that in not doing her wrong. I am desperately trying to get a job, while also trying to get my GED and we are both going to apply for food stamps soon. She does see both a counselor and a psychologist, each once a week and I usually go with her. Her psychologist is working with her to fine tune her needs and find her a medication that will help more with her anxiety and depression than celexa is currently, so hopefully within a few weeks things will start getting better. It snowed all last week and she was absolutely horrible, I almost lost it. But this week she has been relatively normal mood wise, she just CONSTANTLY needs to be held and cuddled, rocked, have her hair/face stroked, and her back rubbed. She just wants to be comforted all the time but says nothing is bothering her, she just wants to feel secured and reassured. It's annoying at points but it's better than holding her down while she screams and tries to bite and claw herself. Man what a confusing, frustrating girl, but I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. Thank you very much for your advice and opinions, it's good to know someone believes. I look forward to reading your future hubs, I think you should start an advice column, or stay in touch with me haha. You are wonderful! Thank you!

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