Struggling with an Obstinate Personality
It Is About Me!!
I am having a tough time with myself here lately. I am struggling with an obstinate personality. That is what I have named it. The older I get the more I am able to see this and I have been trying to analyze myself to figure out how to improve it. Surely the cause is something deeply rooted in my childhood. Was it because I was an ugly duckling? Or because I was a middle child (6th of 8) and not my parent's favorite? Is it because I am predestined to be bullheaded being born a Taurus? Is it because I think I am 'all that' and don't need to improve myself?
I am an educated person, able to intelligently consider topics to analyze, and at times criticize myself. As I age I am really starting to realize how this obstinate behavior is negatively affecting me and I need to find a way to help myself.
Here are my examples:
Smoking cigarettes – I work in long term health care. Surely I see first hand what horrendous damage smoking can do to a human body. Knowing of the disease and debility it can cause should be enough to make me to quit, but I haven't. Aside from what I know from work, I have researched the topic for one of my other hubs. I have been smoking for 36 years now and I am feeling it every bit. I have high blood pressure, I get short of breath, can't do steps well, my circulation is getting worse, I really shouldn't afford it, and it takes me three to four weeks to get over a common cold. I know how bad it is, but just can't find the 'off button' in my brain! The harder I try to psych myself to quit the more I smoke!
Overweight – Well, I am not obese, just about 40 lbs above my ideal body weight of 150 lbs. I want to lose weight, but same as most people, cannot stick to any diet. The more I tell myself I need to stop eating so much the more I find to stuff my face!
Salvation – I grew up in the church. Got away from it in my teens. The teachings and love felt from it have always stayed with me, but I wanted to party so I buried it all in the back of my mind. Now that I am 52 years old and realizing that certainly my life is more than half over I need to get with the program, I don't want to go to Hell. Three of my four living sisters are deeply involved in their spiritual callings and I am feeling it more and more because I do know it is right. But this stubbornness will not let me go there, despite my daily prayers for God to help me. The more I think towards it the more I restrain myself from it!
Procrastinating – Oh geez, my house is a mess! I have too many clothes because I am terrible at throwing away items I don't wear or may need sometime in the future. Unsorted and mixed up papers, catalogs – boxes and bags everywhere, even under my bed! Hoarding stuff intended to sell on Ebay – boxes and bags of stuff. Laundry, dishes, unfinished projects, and more. Always late to events – like at this current time of 2:55pm I am writing this, but I am supposed to be at my son's for dinner at 4:00pm and I have been sitting on the computer since 11:15am, I am still in my pajamas, needing to shower and wash my hair and get dressed! Always late to work – which is only 8 minutes away from home, and my office is a disorganized mess, always barely meeting my deadlines, and even not finishing some work! My car is a traveling trash can. Bill payments are late getting paid even when I do have the money to pay them. I just don't want to spend my money. I keep saying I'll clean it, I'll fix it, I'll do this and I'll do that and just don't get around to anything timely and the list of things I need to do just keeps getting longer!
Well, after researching obstinate behavior I think I found a diagnosis that describes my problems. It is Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (not to be confused with Obsessive-compulsive disorder - I'm not at that level!). But Wow! I was floored at the list of symptoms...most were right on target. Maybe this is why I am divorced three times! So now that I have diagnosed myself I will research how I am going to treat myself... certainly if that doesn't work I will use professional help!! (Oh geez, there goes another obvious symptom!)
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