TYW: A Year

Memories like shadows of the past...
Memories like shadows of the past...
Source
Source
Swapping the ring
Swapping the ring
Keeping a promise
Keeping a promise

My interpretation

It has been a harsh season. There have been storms, extreme cold, ice, and loneliness. It has been dark. Barren and alone but there is still beauty. There is still music. There is still light. In the midst of the harsh storms, the ice formed crystals of hope, faith, and love for the future. Passion makes the crystals glow breaking thru the darkness. I can still... feel. I can still... dance.

Its Sept. 6th -- Again

I was hoping that this day would not stand out. I wanted it to blend in with the rest of them. I didn't want to attach such a negative memory to a specific date. It would be awesome if it were just Sept. 6th and not a year to the day that my husband died. I even trained for it. I deliberately would not pay attention to the calendar on or around the 6th of each month. I tried my best to resist counting the months that had passed. All of it was in preparation for this month but it didn't work. As soon as September showed its face again, it became a countdown to the 6th. I am not sure how I feel. I kept this month super busy as a back up plan. I really wanted to see the date after the fact and take a deep sigh of relief. The first year is a milestone after all...

I still do not understand everything that happened as a result of my husbands death but I am hopeful. I have dreams and wishes. Most of them are simple things. I am still not able to see too far into the future. I am not sure that I believe the future is really out there. Obviously, losing my husband so young would make me doubt the ability to grow old with anyone. I think that is only natural. I think the worst part of grief is over for me. I am grateful for that. Grief has this way of changing people. I think some of these changes are permanent. I'm moving forward and learning about myself. I am trying to be patient with myself and get to know who I am after the affects of grief. I can't say that I have reintroduced myself to the world yet. I have taken small steps toward that but there are friends who have not seen me for the entire year. I am getting there. Not quiet there yet. I am not hiding. I am just taking my time. Baby steps. I do not enjoy being labeled a widow. I never was one for attention and there is a certain common reaction to it that I could do with out. My husband used to talk about that. He would not introduce me as just his wife. He said I was more than Robert's wife. I didn't get it then. I was happy and proud to be his wife. I get it now. I am more than just a widow. There have been some unique lessons that I have had to learn. I never knew the level of loneliness that a widow knows. It exists in a room full of people who are loved and love you. It persists no matter who is around or how many. I have met people who do adopt temporary stand ins and still don't find relief. I skipped that growth experience. I would not want to live in the shadow of anyone and could not bring myself to put anyone in his shadow just to fulfill a need to be held for a min. Rather than be disappointed, I will wait until a connection exists. If its meant, I would prefer another love story over a stand in. To have forced one would not work for me, especially when I am still learning about me.

The hard stuff. The year had a lot of obstacles. Some, I would rather never remember again. There has been war, there have been casualties of war, there have been storms of emotions, there has been fury and rage. Holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving were tough. The entire month of April was tough. Every year for his birthday, Robert would go to the same beach for the weekend or for the day at the very least. It was hard, but thanks to some amazing friends and my mother, I was able to keep his remains until his birthday and scatter them in the ocean by his beach. I didn't expect it to sink away out of sight so fast. I remember thinking that the ocean had taken him as quickly as his life had been taken. One second here, the next gone. Then there were all the decisions like taking off my ring and replacing it with something simple. My ring was gorgeous and attracted attention. Now alone, it was a risk. Besides, both religion and society had made it perfectly clear that I was no longer a wife. Unraveling a life that was once ours so that I can continue my life alone and in peace is hard but there is a sense of freedom and closure in doing what I need to do to live a full life and focus on healing my daughter. I think the most powerful thought I ever had was gratitude that I was chosen to share a love with my husband that is unique. It kept me from being angry and focusing on need to understand it. Thats the thing people don't understand. I don't know how or why this could have happened and I do not need to. Understanding is not a requirement for acceptance. Now with the hardest things behind me, I am actually hopeful about the year to come.

Not an easy road but life is just that, another road. If I were to run out of roads, whether easy or hard, then my life would be done as well.

Remembering

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Comments 26 comments

Victoria Lynn profile image

Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

Oh, you are so precious. I remember meeting you a year ago and talking about your loss, one I can't even imagine. You are wonderful to share this. I am glad you are healing, but I don't think you will ever forget Sept 6th. Perhaps in the future it will be happier for you. I remember Aug 17th when my nephew died. It's just something we have to remember. I'm so glad your grief is more tolerable now. You take care, girl. You are a special person, and I am glad to have run into you again.


grinnin1 profile image

grinnin1 4 years ago from st louis,mo

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with us- you are an inspiration. And you are a talented writer as well.


Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio 4 years ago from Shelton

Moms I have heavy heart now.. TYW is so precious and Im sure God has her (you ) in his scope stand tall and Ill stand next to you.. fall and I'll pick you up.. cry.. and I'll smile for you.. bless you


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Hello Victoria. I am so happy that you came to visit my writing. It is a weird day but not as bad as I know it could have been. Thank you for seeing me as special. I usually refer to myself only as different.

I think of you and your nephew all the time. I wonder how you are with your grief and how the family is dealing with theirs. I send so much love to them all and to you.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Grinin1, Thank you for reading and commenting. Your compliments made me smile. An inspiration - wow! I never really considered that. I am very grateful.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Wow Frank! What an amazing...

Your words penetrated me to the core. That you would invest your heart in me, take every step of my journey with me, and allow your heart to feel heavy for me draws huge sentiment and stirs something in me. I don't know how to express my extreme gratitude.

And the oath, stand, carry, and smile... plus the endless supply of blessings... I have never had someone offer to be a champion with out having ever been in my presence. It is a gift I will cherish, always. Thank you.

A whole new level of awesomeness!!!!


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Frank, you use such few words to pierce... That is amazing.


Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio 4 years ago from Shelton

its easy with you when I can feel your spirit :) bless you always :)


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Amazing... very unique... I am grateful... you have blessed me :)


bredandagnes profile image

bredandagnes 4 years ago from Ireland

inspiring and reassuring-My young best friend lost her husband just a few months ago tragically-trying to support her through all the firsts-Great to see you talk of acceptance and hope.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Welcome Bred... I am very happy to meet you. This particular hub came after what feels like dozens of hubs and poems about the battle to get here and I am still under construction.

I don't understand how, but others have said that those hubs have helped them in their own journey. I think it has a lot to do with seeing that we are not the only ones feeling these crazy things or thinking the unreasonable. I can only hope that your friend is touched by some of the hubs and poems.


Steadman11 profile image

Steadman11 4 years ago

I am so sorry for your loss, and grateful that you shared what you are going through with us. I don't think you will ever be able to ignore the 6th, or even avoid it, but with time, you will learn ways to help you deal with it every year.

I hope that you do not feel rushed through the healing process. Society can be cruel about these things when they have not experienced it themselves. Just focus on you and your daughter, and I'm sure you both will make it through. I hope she is doing well through this, as well. Thinking of you and your family, and wishing you well! Thank you again for your touching hub!


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Steadman, I appreciate the comment. I am happy to say that I never really cared much for society or its influence. Some do feel its time to move on and others just support my own pace. I just breath and see where the day takes me. I am so honored and extremely grateful that you would put your thoughts with me and mine. Thank You.


Dessert Bunny 4 years ago

Again fantastic hub. Blessings for you - the first year is tough. Think about it - 365 days - it seems like a lifetime if you count it in days but a year sounds much more acceptable. You are still young and have a lifetime ahead of you with your daughter. Just keep going at your own pace - it is your life and your grief so take your time and things will eventually fall into place. I can relate to so many things you say.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Welcome back Dessert Bunny. It is nice to see you again. This is the only year that actually has felt that long.


Dessert Bunny 4 years ago

I agree with you. Looking back at the past year - unbelievalbe what happened and how one managed to cope. Or at least I must say I am not so sure that I did cope, or maybe I did, I do not know - I just went forward like someone without any real agenda - trying to let everything seem normal to anyone looking on. And then on the inside falling appart feeling as if my world has ended - not believing there can be a tomorrow. Now a year has passed ..... I am looking through the cracks of my life at the sunshine and want to be part of it again.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Dessert Bunny, I called it haphazard living. I met a lot of people that live the same way. We just kinda let the current carry us. I say thank God for the few things that I have that keep me grounded. Namely, my daughter. Without her, the current would have taken me far from here. I have always had nomadic tendencies. I am so happy about the cracks. The suns warmth on your face can free you from your cage. It doesn't change what has happened or who we are now but we learn how to carry it with us and enjoy. I wish that for you. Peaks and valleys, not just lows.


Tami Fite profile image

Tami Fite 4 years ago

God bless you & keep you as you continue on the journey of this life. Thank you for your honest writing. May God continue to grant you peace and strength to face each new day. Tami


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Thank you so much Tami. I really appreciate all the well wishes.


newenglandsun 3 years ago

I guess it's that time of year again.

I'm sorry for your loss.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

Clever friend. Good detective skills. Those that are part of my daily life don't even know or remember. It is just another day to me now. I do remember but there is no point in attaching emotion to the day itself, so I let go.


newenglandsun 3 years ago

That must have been hard to let go.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

It was actually one of the first things I wanted to do. I wanted to sever the link between what happened and the day. The first year I couldn't because the day was some sort of checkpoint for me. I needed to reach it but this year I let it come and go without a word. I knew it was there but I allowed myself to almost miss it.


newenglandsun 3 years ago

My bad...


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

Hahaha, you are not the reason... no worries.


newenglandsun 14 months ago

As this is now the fourth year, would you technically be an old widow?

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