The Lost Soul Survivor

It hit me like falling face-first into a lake from 50 feet above.  One minute life is difficult, but manageable, the next I wanted to cry, scream, quit, and hide simultaneously.  What happened?  Nothing really, except for the fact that I was left waiting for someone without my usual distractions.  Really, if left alone with nothing to do, is this who I am?  That is even more depressing.

It wasn't always like this--I wasn't always like this.  I was the optimist, the peacemaker, the one with the infectious smile.  How did I get to this, you ask.  The last person I told my current story to replied that in stunned amazement, "It's just not possible for one family to go through so much."  

For fear of boring you or regressing myself, I'll give you the extremely abbreviated version--shit happened!  I know that it has happened to almost everyone at times but it has been none stop for the last two years and there seems to be no end in sight.  My husband isn't going to get better from his Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibro Myalgia, and bulging discs.  My kids aren't going to get over their Autism, and the Attachment Disorder may get better but my adopted son will probably never love me like my biological children do.  Add to that adult children whose soon-to-be in-laws are fighting them and mad at us, families that do not support us and think we have "left the faith," a VA system that won't help my husband with his pain and doesn't want to recognize his disabilities, some behaviors from one of my children that cause us to have to watch him/her 24/7, friends that have bailed without notice, and poverty, with not much possibility of any of this improving.

So, the dreams have died and survival even seems to difficult to manage.  Then there's the realization that, other than the 8 people who comprise my family and maybe one other family, there wouldn't be much butterfly effect if I didn't survive this.  It is all a bit sobering.

Now if you want to be "the encourager,"  save it.  I know all the jargon; I grew up a preacher's kid and followed that with being a preacher's wife for many years.  I don't doubt that God cares but I am honest with the fact that He chose to let Satan have control over the earth.  It seems like most of the planet IS more concerned with self preservation saying, "To Hell with the rest of you."

Where do I go from here?  That remains to be seen, since I haven't gone from here yet.  Perhaps you will see, if I continue to put it up here.  I am still taking one breath after another.

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