The Cigarette Diaries III: The Lure of Addiction

A Dedication

To some, this may be a presumptuous move, but I would like to dedicate this piece to a woman who has written her heart out and in turn, touched mine. Her name is Anne Lamott, and her books, "Bird by Bird," "Operating Instructions," and others have affected me deeply. She is candid yet kind, honest yet tender. Her writings have filled me with hope during times in my life that I had none at all.

In "Bird by Bird," she offers up a metaphor for addiction and recovery that prompted me to finally pen this third installment of "The Tobacco Diaries." Ms. Lamott writes:

"...getting all of one's addictions under control is a little like putting an octopus to bed...You get a bunch of the octopus's arms neatly tucked under the covers...but two arms are still flailing around...But you finally get those arms under the sheets, too, and are about to turn off the lights when another long sucking arm breaks free."

While I don't know if Lamott is a smoker, I do know she understands the complexities of addiction; she speaks freely of her struggles with alcohol. The octopus is such a wonderful way to convey an addict's struggle; it perfectly portrays the mighty battle undertaken to put the damned thing in it's place.

One "Failure" to Acknowledge

First of all, I didn't quit smoking. I tried, mightily I am proud to say, however this devil weed still is in my life. Please feel free to check out the links to the right for a glimpse of the maddening process. What I do want to point out is that these particular foes-nicotine and tobacco-are the hardest substances I have ever tried to overcome. The tobacco barons are brilliant and greedy sons o' bitches and they've managed to outwit me so far. But I do believe that when I am truly ready, I will quit entirely-but readiness is the operative word. Now you would think with all the evidence we all possess about nicotine and tobacco use that it would be a cinch to quit the weed without a second thought. I've lost loved ones to smoking, for God's sake. And they were terrible, terrible deaths. Why on earth am I not ready?

Before you flag this, remember the spirit of the times!
Before you flag this, remember the spirit of the times!

High School Highs

Over the years I have been addicted to every drug imaginable-except heroin. I have always been afraid of needles, it's as simple as that. But now it's time to reveal what my profile picture may not expose, what my writings have barely touched on.

I have told of my first addiction to Darvon, a painkiller given to me by a well-meaning aunt concerned with the inevitable agony of menstruation. I never had any pain to speak of, but oh, those pills were magical. I was able to con my aunt out of Darvon for years, then I was sent 400 miles away to a girl's boarding school where we residents experimented in a myriad of substances, far more interesting than 'old lady' pills.

My high school years were from 1970 to 1974, a time of great social upheaval and cosmic curiosity. And boy, was I cosmic. I was intent on achieving nirvana by whatever means necessary. LSD seemed a grand vehicle and I indulged in it regularly. I listened to Sun Ra, Bach, and Cat Stevens while peaking. I danced on the circle of grass at my high school with others, grasping ribbons as we praised the chemical Gods. Nirvana still managed to escape me, but the glimpses were marvelous.

In my sophomore year, I began smoking cigarettes.

Marijuana and hashish were also regularly used and I felt absolutely glorious when with other, seemingly more cosmic, girls. They were the friends who I tried to emulate-the ones with the apparently perfect auras. Then such smokable ecstasy turned on me. Somehow THC suddenly did not agree with me and paranoia became the result of inhalation. It was time to try something else.

The 'Misery Years'
The 'Misery Years'

Forgetting Nirvana

After the luxury and protection of high school, my addiction took a different turn-I wanted to escape myself. I spent much of my adulthood in search of substances that would change the way I felt inside. All of my nirvana quests left me cold, in all honesty. Cigarettes have always been a stress reliever, and a damned good one. But the twists and turns of life took me to stress increasing substances: methamphetamine and crack cocaine. The meth made me feel powerful, creative and endlessly energetic. The crack was, I suppose, a 'purer' addiction in that all I sought was the high. Nothing more. Those were what I call the 'Misery Years'-I seemed bound and determined to destroy what life was within me.

I had also become a drunk by this time. So when I quit the meth and the crack, I could at least depend on booze and cigarettes to get me through. And they did. Methamphetamine and crack were substances that almost led me to suicide on a number of occasions and I am honestly surprised I survived. My flirtation with those drugs is one I regret with all of my heart.


Successes to Write Home About

I stopped using LSD in the 70's, marijuana and hashish in the 80's. The horrors of methamphetamine and crack were history by the mid-90's. Pharmaceuticals are still a part of my life, yet I no longer visit doctors without telling them my history.  I am an open book and proud to say so.  My alcohol abuse came to an end in '08. All in all, I consider myself a walking, talking miracle.

Quitting cigarettes will simply have to wait.

More by this Author

Comments 67 comments

prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US

It is difficult lorlie, and one day you can try it again, HUGS and how are you BTW, Take care, Maita

Faybe Bay profile image

Faybe Bay 6 years ago from Florida

Lorlie, I am so proud of you for writing this! I never did heroine either, but crack and meth are two nearly impossible addictions to get over! Alcohol too, because it is legal! I think that's the reason so many towns and such are trying to ban smoking, because it is harder to quit something that's legal and acceptable.

I too have lost many loved ones to the horrors of cancer and emphysema. They are candy coating the lung diseases now by calling them COPD and acting as though an inhaler will fix the problem. My mother died of COPD, and an inhaler wouldn't have saved her then or now. That was over 10 years ago, and still I smoked!

You will as they say, quit when the time is right for you! There was a study some years ago that said the average quitter quits 5 to 17 times before they are quit for good. My friend has this theory "No one ever quits for good, they just quit til their next cigarette; for some that may be a year or five, for others it is a few days, and some just never get around to having another cigarette. It's not about quitting, it's about how long you can put off the next smoke."

Okay, that's a hub in a comment! LOL. I am so glad you wrote this! Keep writing about it. It is a great help to me, and probably to many others who are struggling with addiction.

Tammy Lochmann profile image

Tammy Lochmann 6 years ago

Hi...I have often heard from recovering addicts that the cigarettes are the hardest to give up. Nicotine affects seratonin uptake increasing it so we feel better. I know how hard it is I had tried for many years to quit and stay quit. I have been cigarette free for about 9 months now. Over the winter I was very depressed, no energy, sadness, insomnia.

It seems to be better now. I loved the cigarettes but I love my life better without them and I love my kids more than I love the cigarettes. I still think about the cigarettes but not as much as I used to.

Keep trying and writing I have always enjoyed your writing and I can only think of a handful here that I will read from start to finish. Tammy

De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

Wow! I have never met anyone who has taken drugs (or at least someone who admitted to doing so). What an intersting subject. Perhaps you could give us a glimpse into that type of life if you feel up to it?

I stopped smoking cold almost two years ago, but at times I still yearn for a puff of my favourtie cigars :-))

Green Lotus profile image

Green Lotus 6 years ago from Atlanta, GA

I'm always so moved by your Hubs and this one especially. You are a fighter lorlie girl and also a winner and an inspiration to others. a big rate up +

lalesu profile image

lalesu 6 years ago from south of the Mason-Dixon

Raw, honest, open, bravely, and beautifully written! My hat is off and my thumbs are up to you. I understand fully why it's taken such a long time for you to complete the 3rd in this series. Thank you for allowing us to read your "open book", dear lady. ~ Laura

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

@Maita-thanks, Hon, for asking. I'm great and will try of these days!

@Faybe Bay-I've heard that too, 17 tries to quit?? It is ABSOLUTELY horrendous trying to quit these things. But I will be victorious at some point. Thanks for the hub-comment! :)

@Tammy-Congratulations, my friend, what an accomplishment! I am so incredibly proud of you. Nine months-could have had a baby! Keep it up-so glad you're feeling better.

@De Greek-You got it, my friend. I'm not uncomfortable writing about my path at all-thanks for the idea!

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

@Green Lotus-so good to see you here, GL. Thanks, Hon-I think while writing this hub I realized how much I have fought-and won! Now for the final battle!

@Laura-thank you, dear poet, for understanding my reluctance to write this. Thank God for the hub community-I am graced with friends like you.

Petra Vlah profile image

Petra Vlah 6 years ago from Los Angeles

Dear Lorie,

You are an open book and a waking and talking miracle; most of all YOU ARE an inspiration. You think mastering English is hard? Look at you and at all you have conquered by will power and perseverance. You deserve a lot of respect and love and I am giving it to you with an open heart and a big hug

akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

It's a hard thing to quit but considering all that you've been through, I think you're doing just fine! My son has had a drug and alcohol problem and smokes as well but I'd rather have him smoking than drinking and doing drugs! It truly is all about your personality I think in my humble opinion and sometimes you just gotta pick what things you can live with and what things ya can't.....think it is remarkable that you are so honest! And look what you conquered already!

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

@Petra-what a lovely comment, my friend. I will take your heart and hug and embrace you as well!

@akirchner-thanks so much! It is about choosing your battles after all. All my best to your son-thank God he's given up the drugs and booze.

Take good care.

Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas

Lorlie...that's a long road you have traveled. You have quit things that should make the cigarette an easy conquest and maybe that is why it is not. Don't worry, the time will come and at that point you will "want to quick". Right now, you are subconsiously disagreeable to it because deep down you still feel you need it. That will change in time. If you attempt it before then, even though you might be successful, it will leave you angry. Might I suggestion a more simplistic compromise...moderation. Most of us do not die prematurally of moderation. It might be the best of both smoke less but you are still happy that you smoke. You have a lot of strength to accomplish what you have and be honest about it. On that basis, keep your chin up! Thanks for a very good hub! WB

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

I like your style, Wayne, as well as your suggestion. What a marvelous comment-one that will stick with me, I know. You've become a dear presence here to me on HP and I appreciate your words!

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 6 years ago from London, UK

Thanks for sharing this with us - very touching. It's so nice to find someone who totally understands what you are going through - Anne Lamott.

The way I see it, is that you are making steps everyday and one day you'll arrive at the point where you want to be. So, well done on all you've accomplished so far. Lots of Best Wishes, Elena.

Ps. Is that you or Anne in that lovely top photo?

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Hi Lady_E-that's a photo of Anne, and I certainly wish I had her dreads!

I'm so glad you came by, Elena. This was a difficult piece to write since I felt I'd let folks down with the first, enthusiastic, diaries. But thank you for the encouragement and I appreciate your comment.

akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

Well, he actually gave up the drugs - that's the good news. The bad news is he is still hooked on the booze and it is a tragic thing. I know it's hard when it is you, yourself but I hate it that he is my son and I can't help him. He made it for 1 year sober and that seems to be the record - but we hope and pray every day he will 'see the light'. Thanks for your kind words and think you're doing a marvelous job!

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Substance abuse is such a powerful thing, akirchner. And no matter what 'they' say, I know they all go hand in hand. One year isn't easy, so what I suppose he needs to do is start again...'one day at a time.'

My best!

Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 6 years ago from United States

Lorie, You have come such a long way! I think you are brave to write a hub that reveals these addictions.

I have lived many years of my life around people with addictions, starting with my dad who was an alcoholic. I still love him dearly but he died in 2002 (82 years old)with 35 years of sobriety thanks to AA.

Living one day at a time was one of the things he taught me and that is so important. If you fall off the bike, you get back on and start anew. I wish you great success as you move down this road of recovery.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Thanks so much, Pamela. Your dad had 35 years! That's fabulous-I can't imagine such a thing. I'll have 2 in a couple of days and it seems like forever!

Recovery is, indeed, a never ending process.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

Awesome, Laurel! I'm addicted to cigarettes and food, but nothing else. Well, maybe my dogs. lol

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Gawd, girl, I forgot those addictions-add 'em on. And I don't think I'm going to try and quit those!

selrach 6 years ago

Nice one Laurel.I am the same.the ciggies at the moment are just a step to far,but maybe someday.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Thanks, selrach-yep, maybe someday...

I appreciate you stopping by.

Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country

I admire you strength at overcoming so many struggles.

I'm a decade or so older than you, and was never aware of drugs. My parents and most of the rest of my family never smoked, though most of them did drink at social gatherings.

When I was in high school I belonged to a social sorority. A little less then half of the girls smoked occasionally, and the other half didn't. Each had their own beleifs and neither looked down on the others.

I remember on smoker friend who made a bet (for 50 cents) with me, that I would smoke before the end of my senior year.

I collected.

Technically, I did try a secret puff or two and decided it was not as cool as it looked, but I think her whole motivation was to keep me from falling into the tobacco pit.

I guess I was in the right places at the right times-- never even heard rumors of drugs through my college years. To this day I could not recognize the smell of marajuana, though many people say they can.

You have "come a long way, baby". Hope you make your way over one more fence to become even more free. Just keep the goal in sight and take one step every now and then.

tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 6 years ago from South Africa

Laurel - you are a true wonder! I am in awe of your honesty and courage. Loved this account, harrowing though it is at times. I just totally admire you.

Love and peace


PS - I am also a big fan of Anne Lamott and espeically of "Bird by Bird" which is one of the most inspirational books on writing that I have read (and I've read plenty!).

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Aww, Tony...thanks. I feel the same, I hope you know that. My copy of "Bird by Bird" is so dogeared now it's pitiful, but I read it over and over.

Thanks for the visit!

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Hi Rochelle-I believe that decade between us is the key. My family was extremely conservative and I don't believe I'd have smoked or taken drugs had I not been sent off to boarding school in the early 70's. Then I was peer-driven.

Congrats on winning your bet, my dear!

Well, I see it now as life experience that made me the woman I am today-wounds and regrets and all.

I wish I'd come through unscathed, however!

Thanks for coming by.

Pcunix profile image

Pcunix 6 years ago from SE MA

I quit hundreds of times before I finally made it fifteen years ago. I posted a hub about how I quit, but it won't help you any because I don't even understand why that day was the end of my torture.

Just remember: even if you fail and fail again, every hour, even every minute that you are not smoking improves your life. Any success is better than giving up.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

I've heard it takes an average of 17 times to finally quit, Pcunix. I sure hope not-but at least from your comment I know it's possible. Congrats on your 15 years!


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

It was a stale pack of Kools left in my glove compartment that helped me quit. Maybe you can taper off. You take care Lorlie!

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

EEwww...that would be an inspiration, I imagine! Thanks, Micky, I'm trying every day.

Maybe I should take up cycling!

PegCole17 profile image

PegCole17 6 years ago from Dallas, Texas

lorlie6 - My heart goes out to you on your difficulties. You've seen and experienced so much of life. I admire your ability to quit the hard drugs that steal our days and memories from us. To many, smoking is the hardest to quit. I'm a former smoker who has quit many many times. One time there was 10 years of non smoking before I took it up again. Currently I'm a non smoker, but I think it's like alcoholism, sober only until the next drink. Don't be too hard on yourself. You've come a long way.

In high school a year before you, I remember clearly the confusion and doubt and times of change. Peace and love, sister.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Wow, Peg, what a lovely comment. I do sympathize with you about the smoking, but as you say, the drugs took much of my life and memories from me. I have much time that has been sadly lost.

Well, congratulations on at least struggling with this addiction. Although I know it's a killer, at least sobriety is there.

saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

Lorlie thank you for being so true to yourself and being honest about your addictions. I have never been addicted to anything but LOVE but that damm well put me in the poor house a few times and had me suck up JACK now and then, you can read about that in my Jack hubs:0) Never smoked fags, but sure enjoyed my weed and hashish throughout the years. The last time I smoked weed was about 10 years ago but smoked a lot more years before then. Never took to smoking cigarettes, taste did not agree with me, neither did the thoughts of getting lung cancer, a disease that has killed a number of my friends over the years including my dear mother. I do indulge in cigars now and then, especially when I am off fishing somewhere or when I was sitting at a truck stop waiting for my next load to be called in. I am proud of you for kicking the other addictions, but those damm fags are hard to kick for sure. The growers did us in right when they started growing tabacky and the government saw the huge potential for tax money to feed their own greedy habits. Good luck, it will happen for you when the time is right. Hey, I give you credit for giving it a good try, sooner or later, better sooner, you will lick the habit. Peace and hugs.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Thanks saddlerider! I know I will quit, but as you said, the time will have to be right. I also lost my mama to cancer, papa, too. It's a damnable addiction and a pity as well. So sorry about your mother.

I haven't read your Jack hubs yet-time to get to reading!

Thanks for coming by!

prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

If you want to quit from smoking, I support you from the back. I believe you can do that. Thank you very much!

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Thanks for the support, prasetio30!

I appreciate the visit.

McHamlet profile image

McHamlet 6 years ago

I've read all three of these hubs and I can say you have plenty to be proud of in what you've achieved so far and judging by your record and the beautiful sincerity with which you write I'm sure you'll beat this too. As for those in the tobacco industry, I think if they took just a moment to really think about the misery they inflict with this drug, many of them might consider earning their bread elsewhere, and a stop by your hubs would be a good start in this respect.

As they say in Thailand: Suu Suu! (Keep fighting!).

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

McHamlet-I so appreciate your visits to my diaries. You know, I am proud of my 'accomplishments' over the years; I have only one more conquest. I must disagree respectfully with you about the tobacco industry-they seem to add more and more addictive substances to cigarettes annually. I wish they would stop, yet their greed seems to know no bounds.

Suu suu to you, too! :)

Rebecca E. profile image

Rebecca E. 6 years ago from Canada

I am proud of you. I know that isn't saying much, but really you are an inspiration to many. Inculding myself. A great hub indeed. Keep on writing, it will give people so much!

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Thank you, Rebecca. The support of hubbers like yourself means the world to me.

I appreciate the visit!

Rebecca E. profile image

Rebecca E. 6 years ago from Canada

I am sending a few ( I hope) traffic angels to this hub by digging it and stumbling it... all the best,

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

You're an angel yourself, Rebecca-thanks for the dig and stumble!

Steele Fields profile image

Steele Fields 6 years ago from drexel hill,pa


You have become my hero. First of all, Bird by Bird is my favorite book of all time and I consult it regularly. You should also check out Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones, if you haven't already.

Secondly, your struggles are well known to me-- we could have been best friends in high school. I graduated in 1974-- nuff said. I am not as comfortable and open here about my life as you are, but suffices to say that writers and artists routinely struggle with addiction-- it's part of the artistic personality. It's a trade off-- if you could shed your addictive nature , would you do it at the expense of your creative talent? Girl, with the way you write, I'd hate to lose that talent at any price. But suffer we must-- for our art, for our souls.

You are by far the most talented writer I've had the pleasure to read on the hub pages thus far and I am proud to become your latest fan.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

You flatter me, Steele! What a lovely comment; I do appreciate it and thank you. I am looking at "Writing Down the Bones" on CD right now-I keep it above my monitor as a reminder! Of course, "Bird by Bird" sits there too.

Graduating in '74 was quite an experience, no? What a fascinating time to be a teen!

But of course, back then we were not concerned with addiction and many fell victim to the very things we sought. It's a daily struggle-so is writing.

But what I find valuable in life is generally not easy, so I try to push through the demons. You know? :)

Take care!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

I came back for another read! You must be a really strong woman to kick these addictions. Heck, I can't even quit smoking!

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Thanks hon, I'm still at it too. The others were a breeze compared to cigarettes.

Have a wonderful time on your "cation," my son called vacation that when he was little and it stuck!

R. J. Lefebvre 6 years ago


I have no doubt you are admired for your courage to let it all hang out! That is a giant step to succes, I can't help thinking you can't miss, just do it!


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Again, thank you Ronnie! I'm still trying and will succeed when the time is right-promise.

Later, friend.

drcrischasse profile image

drcrischasse 6 years ago from NH/Foxboro

What a blessing for sharing with us. Thank you!

Mercedes-Benz30 profile image

Mercedes-Benz30 6 years ago from Memphis, TN

This is such a powerfully moving addition to your previous installments. I praise it and give it four thumbs-up! (I'm using my big toes as substitutes for the extra two fingers! lol)

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

@drcrischasse-thanks, drcris. What an evil addiction this is. One of these days...

@Mercedes-Benz30-toes are a critical part of a critic's life, so thank you with my ears!!!! :)

No, really-thanks for the visit.

Sa`ge profile image

Sa`ge 6 years ago from Barefoot Island

lorlied6; please do not wait, it can be easy, really, if you really want to quit! go here: Please do it, if you truly wish to quit! It does work! You keep doing it till one day,not to long after, you realize, not only are you not smoking, you have no desire to! and with no side effects or any other stuff that goes with quitting. It is guaranteed ! and you don't have to spend any money! and it takes less time then all those other costly remedies do! ~ Aloha nui loa ~

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Thanks for the recommendation, Sa ge! I'll give the hub a look-see and just may try it!

Thanks for your visit-and concern.

Don Paskowski profile image

Don Paskowski 6 years ago from Gloucester, MA

I like your writing style. It's very good. We all have our addictions. I watched the Big C eat my Dad from the inside out. I can't seem to find the post dates of hubs so i don't know how long ago you wrote the tabacco diaries--by the way, i'm sure Jim's ok with the title-borrow. He was a good writer and an even better poet. I loved his "Book of Nods'" too.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Thanks, Don. Post dates here on HP don't exist yet-which I suppose the administrators think makes hubs 'timeless,' but I'd like them to be added.

The closest thing to a post date on hubs is look at the first couple of comments-if they're there-and assume. Mine indeed was published 6 weeks ago, so there you go.

My parents both succumbed to Cancer and I am still struggling to quit.

Thanks for your words about Mr. Morrison-I've not read the "Book of Nods." I will, soon!

Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 6 years ago from Wales

Hi I've read all your tobacco diaries and think they're brilliant and well done you. I hope you are very proud of yourself.I along with my partner gave up smoking last December, at which time I was chain smoking. Again so naturally written just like the rest of your work. I am today feeling even more excited about my life of hubbing. Thankyou you've really stirred me to carry on with my life long dream of being a writer

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Eiddwen-you really seem to have the 'aura' of a writer-no kidding! I am so proud of your and your partner's success with the smoking cessation!!! My journey is still not over, but when I am ready, I know I'll be successful.

Enjoy this site-reading as well as writing can be a glorious thing!


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 6 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

seriously, im 27, and totally at the point in which i should definitely quit smoking now, and ive tried, believe me i have. your so right, smoking is a serious stress reliever for me. The minute my (on hold) boyfriend does something completely stupid (hes in rehab...heroin) i light right up. Its sooo hard to wuit, and i feel like i should quit to set an example for him, but i just cant. Its so bad, when i know the corner store is a block away, and all i have to do is not go...but i go. And if im running out of ciggaretts, and plan not to buy another pack, i get nervouse and start smoking like no ones business. I hope we both quit. everytime i light up i think about how my baby would be without his mother.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Oh sweetie-that's not the right way to think at all! Your child has a mom-that's what's important. I smoked and drank all through my pregancy-1988-and during his raising, and now he's fine, doesn't smoke and has very good lungs.

Dont' be so hard on yourself.

Thumb86 profile image

Thumb86 6 years ago from Wales

wow lorlie! this was a great read! I was let out a giggle when you said you listened to Sun Ra while peaking on acid! haha. But wow, great hub..Very engaging!

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Had to put that in, ya know! I'm glad you enjoyed the hub, Thumb!

PegCole17 profile image

PegCole17 5 years ago from Dallas, Texas

Just came by for a visit and to see the latest on you. Hope all is well. Enjoyed reading this a second time. You are a really special person - I'm sure your story has helped others.

msorensson profile image

msorensson 4 years ago

I am always interested in addiction, because I know the biochemical basis for it, and if it were so simple as just that, then it would be much easier to deal a social phenomena.

Gosh..I love that paragraph about octopus.. I will come back to read the others.. Thanks.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 4 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

You're right, it is not a social phenomenon. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar 4 years ago and am now successfully on medication. Smoking still haunts me, though I now have 9 months clean and sober!!!

msorensson profile image

msorensson 4 years ago

Yes, I went to school with someone who is bi polar and I have a personal experience with another bi polar ..friend...many years ago...the sweetest woman...important to not forget the medication..,nor get tired of it Lorlie..

How awesome that you are clean and sober...!!


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 4 years ago from Bishop, Ca Author

Thanks so much! Meds are a must, I know that since I am now balanced!


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