The Young Widow - I should care?

11/1/11

No nothing really matters to me.

How ridiculous it all is. I never really accepted regrets in my life and consider myself a pretty logical person. Yet, this life, our society, consumerism, everything about this life pulls you to waste time or money. Waste it all preparing for a future that is not certain. Keep saving for the bigger house, that causes higher bills, more furniture, more cleaning, more chores. Don't spend on meaningful experiences until we are done with this obligation or that but please volunteer for a $100+ plus cell phone bill, a $100+ cable bill, and other useless crap to monopolize your time and steal your experiences.

As a widow, you are constantly faced with questions that torment. What would I have done differently? There is an aspect of that question that I can't even touch yet without falling apart. I am staying away from that part for now.
Robert and I lived life to the fullest compared to others. If I had it to do all over again, I would not have pulled back on his plans. In 4 1/2 years he took us to 14 locations. He loved to travel. Many of these were short trips, of coarse. There were 2 trips that I had to cancel after his death. He wanted to do a few things this year that we could have done. I was concerned for costs and didn't want him to have stress over finances. I was 'protecting' him & the family.
Honestly, I would have rather spent all the money that was needed for his service on him in LIFE! My first real taste of regret.

I already lived pretty easy and stress free, but Today with him, with my new hindsight knowledge, I would choose the smaller, older house with character. Fewer obligations. More freedom to do the things that he wanted to do. We didn't have 'the rest of our lives', we only had the rest of his. I didn't know how short a time that was going to be. Now, I shut of the cable, I stopped all the useless subscriptions, I unplugged a lot of the clatter.

Oh my goodness, what about current events and the news, they say. What does it matter to me? Can't I feel the weather once I am outside, if I muster up the gumption to get outside on that particular day. Usually I don't go farther than 10 minutes from the house anyway. Time passes with or without my permission. It doesn't help me or kill me, I am sure the rain won't either.
The news has nothing to offer me. It doesn't deliver anything hopeful or peaceful. I already know what it has to tell me. People get desperate. Not everyone is good. There are dangers and criminals. There always have been. Nothing new, nothing special. My awareness is not a measure of my survival when faced with these truths. Besides, I am not out there to encounter these truths right now.
Politics? What a mess.
Current events are a waste of my brain cells. So much useless, mind-numbing information. The Kardashian wedding, the Kardashian divorce, J-lo, reality television, new car models, latest fashion news, opinions, and talk, blah blah blah... This is not a necessity. This is of no use to me or anyone else. Should I really care?

I should care that you are late for work? That you cut me off? That you cursed me for not speeding today as you rush to a job that is just a means to an end and probably does not give your life meaning? My Prince took pride in his job and I am proud of that. Most people are not. They go, they complain, they mope, they collect pay, they go home.
Should I care that I missed the mail man, or that another day has passed with so few accomplishments... again.
Should I care that you don't understand what I am going thru? I don't know. I am happy that you don't understand. There is only one way to truly understand and I do not wish that on anyone whether I know you or not. I am coming to the realization that losing a loved one is not experience enough for you to understand someone's grief. You would have to lose like they lost. If it is a child, you would need to lose a child in the same way that they did. How old were they, were they sick, was it unexpected, etc. In my case, it is not only losing a husband, did you love the way we did? Was he the kind of person my prince was. Did he effect people so much that over 200 people came to pay their respects? Do people remember his bright, beautiful smile? Did he choose to be a great father to your child when no biological obligation existed? Did he not want to change a single thing about you as his wife?
I can't want someone to understand. It is too much to go thru.

I know one person who is angered by me. I know that they do not agree with me. They are insulted that I have not opened my doors to them or honored their requests. They may choose to alter our relationship for the rest of our days. Should I care about that? Should I worry that I don't right now? I respect this person. I understand their views. This, however, is my cross to bare and I will bare it in my own manner. I will not add the feelings of guilt or obligation to it for anyone. This is separate from my love for them. It is not a personal thing. Everything in its time. Everything else always becomes water under the bridge anyway.

So, what should I care about? What do I care about?
I care about honoring my husband. To honor him means to show our children, both people and dogs, a happy, healthy life. I care about my sweet little girl. I care about healing her heart and teaching her about God, faith, strength, and why LOVE is worth it. I care about my mother. I care about a meaningful life for us all. I care about our future. I care about God.

I can no longer accept the uselessness of everything else.