The Young Widow - Life Goes On They Say

Love Personified

My World
My World
My Earthly King
My Earthly King

45 days into grief...

Despite my seemingly positive disposition, I have had huge obstacles in my life. These hardships, while they have proven that I can overcome the odds, have not done much to help me with the loss of my love personified. My husband is the King of my heart. It is hard to wander around what once was our kingdom without him.

They all say that only time will heal. I know that this statement is not at all true. Not for this. Time, will, and faith healed me of my past obstacles, but this is not an obstacle. This is not something that can be dealt with. This does not leave you. This is a permanent scar on your heart. This is a deformity that can not be corrected or removed. Do you know that if a collar is placed around the neck of a dog too tightly, the dog's skin will grow around it? That is what this is. My skin is growing around this pain and it is now a part of me that will never go away. This is who I am now. I was married to a beautiful man who died too young and with out warning. Time does not change that. Time is unable to diminish that. I can live for more than 60 years with out him and it will still be a true statement. Time will not dull the statement. The statement will still cause me pain and tears. Maybe not the amount that are attacking me as I write this, but having learned how to control them does not equal healing.

Time is not a friend. It does not heal. Time is an authority. It moves forward, pulling you along with it by the ear. Compelling you to take the steps even when you do not want to. It threatens you and scolds you. "You must move forward, You have obligations!" Not listening places your belongings in jeopardy. "Move forward, the house will not pay or clean itself! Unless you want to lose it..." People with jobs have to return to it, getting fired is not ideal after all. Tears are not professional, have to protect the job. All the meaningless material crap that does nothing but monopolize your time and funds now have to be maintained even though they are useless to you now. This is what time does. Time teaches you. Time makes you functional. It makes you get used to answering 'ok' or 'fine' when asked 'How are you doing?' It makes you live and survive in the moment. Is this healing to you? Time trains you to withstand the pain. The same method is used for extreme martial arts. Kick the wooden plank using your shin, it will hurt at first, then it will be tender and bruised, then it will harden. My heart will harden one day. The pain of starting another day with out him is impossible now, it will become tender and bruised, then will be tolerable because of all the practice I will get. The nights that torment me and keep me awake are now training me to be tolerant of them in the future.

No time is not a friend to me. Time is life. Life goes on. It does not care what I am feeling or thinking. It doesn't care if I have no strength left, if I am on auto pilot, or if I will collapse. It passes regardless of what I think, say, or do. It is not the fault of time that others have wrongfully accused it of having healing powers. As much anger as I felt towards time earlier in my grief, time remains consistent. It is neither friend or foe. It never made any promises.

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Comments 7 comments

anglnwu profile image

anglnwu 5 years ago

I'm sorry for your loss and feel your pain keenly reading this hub. I know nothing I say can help your pain either and for that, I'm totally sorry too. Take care and I wish you the best.

Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 5 years ago from Central Florida Author

Thank you anginwu. Unfortunately loss is a difficult part of life. I am hoping these hubs can help people relate to the emotions of those grieving.

I appreciate the comment.

womanNshadows profile image

womanNshadows 5 years ago from Charlotte, NC

you are quite correct in that this is not an obstacle. this is reality; a different reality that you have to face hard as that is. i am a widow 2 years, 8 months out. i still do what i call active grieving. i have moments that where the loss of my husband overcomes me and i feel all the strength i have tried to build fall completely apart. i work and keep up the appearance of doing well and coping, and there are days when i think, maybe, just maybe it will be alright. but then there are those times when i come home from work and allow my grief to have free reign.

everyone grieves in their own unique way. writing has been the best thing for me; brutal, honest, all the grief cards on the table writing. i have written of my grief here on hubpages for all these 2 plus years and on a grief blog where i am even more honest. i was told that i could look back and see my own growth. if i could meet the person again who told me that i would see my growth and how much "better" i will be as time passes, i would point to my writing and say, "look. it didn't work."

but it has worked in a different way. it has made me more honest, more forgiving, more unforgiving. i am a different person and i am redefining what i will put up with, and what i will not, through writing about what it meant for me to lose my husband.

i wish you peace. i wish solace for you when the darkness surrounds you. i wish for you friendship and support on this particularly brutal and lengthy journey. do for yourself what you need to do. only for yourself. if you listen too much to others you will not make any progress. none at all. this is your path to walk. but you are not alone.

Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 5 years ago from Central Florida Author

I can't even imagine shadows. I can't see past today. 2+ years seems impossible. I know that I am surrounded, but I am not sure that I am not alone. I know that I am not the lone sufferer, but that is different. Everything is different.

Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 5 years ago from Central Florida Author

I am reading healing a spouses grieving heart. It is interesting. I have not done any groups or anything like that.

rambansal profile image

rambansal 4 years ago from India

Please be compassionate to yourself. Open your mind to new possibilities. Life doesn't end in a game, it must continue.. Know that you are precious to the world.

Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

I remember this. I was very young in my grief and my vision was clouded. I have aged gracefully. I stand by what I said about time. It in itself is not the reason that I am joyful today. It only forces one to move forward. My mind is open now Rambansal. I am no longer blocked. I don't know that I am precious to the world but I do know that I am in my smaller world which is the one that I am most concerned about. Thank you for visiting this piece. It was time I re-read it.

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