The Young Widow - The last day of 2011

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SIGH... Beware of hubs that start this way. I feel as if I am being pushed, pulled, and dragged toward a place that I do not want to enter. I have what so many want but I have never asked for. A complete blank canvas. An entire new life, unrecognizable and unpredictable. The problem is that I am in love with my old life. The life that I had with My Prince. He has been the only person in the world, other than my daughter, that had accepted me with out wanting to change anything about me. Not one single thing! That is rare. I am so different. Wanting to change me comes easily for some. I am moments away from entering into a year that I will have never known my prince's voice. I will have never felt his touch. I will have never been his wife. 2011 was a hard year that ended in the most horrible way, but it was still a great year. Any year that has a memory of us has to be a good year, regardless of anything that has happened. It, like My Prince, will be completely and utterly gone. There is nothing that I can do about it. What can be said? SIGH...

In moments the year that I don't want to let go of will leave me forever. I will have no power to hold it. I just sit here and wait for it to happen, completely helpless. In moments, I would have to say that I last saw you last year. You last held me last year. You left my side, for always, last year. I was married to you last year. My love died last year. Yes, a whole new year is coming. A whole new beginning is here. I take our girl's hand and walk blindly forward into the abyss armed and defensive without knowing what this new year really means for us. Where does this path lead? Where will it take us? I feel lost in underland. Your death is the beast that I must slay. Everything is surreal and undistinguishable. Happy New Year they say. Happy New Year. Tears drown my insides and wait there turn to be released. They will build up and wait until I am alone. Then, I will be able to be in the condition that no one is allowed to see. No one will hear my voice admit to the words on this page. My strength lies in my silence after all. The sound of my voice can very well cause the collapse of it all. But this will not happen tonight. My princess is home.

My daughter has saved my life so many times. I can't hit the low that waits for me because she is here. I can smile and rejoice with her. We talk about resolutions; what they are and why people make them. We went to the playground, cooked together, and blew stuff up. That was my favorite part. I have to say that fireworks are very therapeutic. There is something about blowing stuff up mixed with the beauty of sparkly fire that makes me feel better. We baked cookies, got some sparkling grape juice, and are watching Jem. Our simple 'celebration'. I am just not able to find a reason to celebrate this one particular year. I celebrate another year along side my princess and feel gratitude.

Happy New Year.

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Comments 19 comments

eve 4 years ago

when I read your posting I realised that was exactly the way I felt. My husband passed away 5 months ago and this holiday season was an emotional nightmare for me.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Thank you for commenting Eve. I know that sometimes feeling like you are not the only one in the world that feels or thinks the way you do is a relief. I will hit 4 months in a few days. Does not feel that long does it?


Marjatta profile image

Marjatta 4 years ago

Hi Moms-Secret. Oh yes, I'm feeling the same way. New Year's Eve was also our anniversary, so I silently toasted him and wished him whatever kind of New Year he was experiencing.

Plain and simple, we have lost our best friends. There's really no other way to explain it, and trying to carry on without that horrific sense of loss on a daily basis seems next to impossible, doesn't it?

Again, thank you for putting into words what so many of us are feeling right now.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Hello Marjatta. There is some relief into getting words onto paper. Not much, but some. I am learning to work with the things that happen without my permission, but yes, it does feel next to impossible.

One day, two totally different meanings to process for you. Be still your heart. I have trouble taking the special days on one at a time. To have one day have two completely different special meanings is a lot for a heart to take on. And yet you toasted, I commend you!


Deni Edwards profile image

Deni Edwards 4 years ago from california

You made me sigh, too. This is quite a stepping stone, isn't it?

If blowing things up felt therapeutic, you may want to try some kick-boxing. Just a thought. I hear that it's great. Ring in the New Year with a new therapy. Don't pull a hamstring, I hear that not so great.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Hi Deni - I have to say that I love the relationship we are building. A stepping stone? I feel like a small puppy tackling a flight of stairs and stumbling down them most of the time.

I am actually in Martial Arts right now for that reason. LOL. I have not pulled a hamstring but I did get all pale and sick because I burned more than I ate that day. NOT fun at all btw...


Movie Master profile image

Movie Master 4 years ago from United Kingdom

Oh this was such a difficult time for you and your daughter, I know it feels the pain will never go away...

I send you hugs and wish I could say more x


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Christmas and New Year was so busy for my daughter that she didn't have time to collapse the way she did for her birthday and Thanksgiving. I am not sure how to feel about that yet. I want to be so relieved and happy, but I am afraid that it may happen when things finally calm down for her. I pray that she remains happy. Only time will tell.

Thank you for your constant outpour of love and hugs. Many Blessings MM...


Springboard profile image

Springboard 4 years ago from Wisconsin

I cannot imagine losing my wife, but I can surely attest that it would be one of the most horrible things that I can think to happen to me. And worse, to her. Life is a wonderful thing, so short, and I think so often we tend to take it all for granted. It's just the way things are. You are, and you can't imagine NOT being. I'm glad that at the very least, you are able to share your pain and your experiences with us here so that we may be reminded of what we hold dear, and appreciate it for what it's truly worth.

My condolences, however belated. And kudos to you for your strength in coping.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Very nice to meet you springboard. Thank you for reading and commenting. Condolences are never late as those of us who grieve do not feel time the way everyone else does. I am glad that you took that message from my writing. What I would give for more people to invest themselves where it counts and stop chasing that which is left behind.

Coping and strength come and go. Peaks and valleys, but thank you for the compliment.


Fennelseed profile image

Fennelseed 4 years ago from Australia

I read your words and understand totally your concerns, Mom's-Secret. Like this unchangeable reality, time seems like an enemy and I also resent this new year for putting distance between me and that last hug, that last smile, his warmth that I will never know again. But there is a change, a new determination in me, to be the very best person I possibly can be - for my son. I am currently climbing out of a valley towards a magical peak where I can see very clearly.

Your Prince wants the very best for you and your daughter and time may seem a cruel enemy but I think each peak will provide more clarity and with it further strength and determination.

I am sending my hugs and love to you and your beautiful princess.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

What wonderful news you have chosen to bless me with Fennelseed. I know the need to turn this into a lesson for our you princes and princesses. I know the need to teach them that some love is worth this and more and that a good life can be lived when you love someone you can no longer see. I know that there will be peaks and valleys, but I do hope that you remain on your path and find renewed strength after every valley.

Many blessings, hugs, and love to you and your precious boy. Thank you so much for commenting and for everything else...


sofs profile image

sofs 4 years ago

Oh my God, I could feel that raw pain, but I love the hope and the positive approach you use to deal with your grief. I wish and pray that you and your princess have a wonderful year, I am sure that is what your prince would want for the two of you. ((((hugs))) to you Mom's secret. God Bless!!


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Thank you so much sofs for your comment and your hugs. I have a lot of pain to write about. Usually I can stay in control, but one night of blood boiling anger produced 2 angry hubs (enough & fury). This hub represents my hub, but the other two represent things that happen to us. I guess I am trying to say that it is normal to feel all of it.

My hope is that the raw feelings you read in me can inspire some more of your wonderful stories... That would be very cool.


sofs profile image

sofs 4 years ago

Dear Mom's secret, Your pain is too real for me to write stories about, it is one thing to write about imagined pain and another to write about real hurt that is so deep. Keep writing until you empty yourself of all the pent up emotions within you and then let the sweet ones flow .. more ((((((hugs )))))) to you!


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Thankfully, the writing leaves very little or no pent up emotions. Hubs make a great therapist in that sense.


starstream profile image

starstream 4 years ago from Northern California

Yes,I remember swimming in a public pool and pounding the water as hard as I could with my arms to release that angry hurt which was the result of a broken heart. Get it out of your body. I think long lasting anger can cause immune system break down leading to cancer etc. I send prayers and thanks to you for sharing your hub.


starstream profile image

starstream 4 years ago from Northern California

Thanks also for the post about hydroponic gardening. It looks like a great system to grow your own food. Tina


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 4 years ago from Central Florida Author

Nice to see you again starstream! I agree with you about the anger thing. I know that it ages you. I don't know how some people manage to carry it with them all the time. I have a positive outlet for it. I put my daughter and I into martial arts classes. We were tested yesterday. We passed! Yeay, first belt upgrade. I think it is really good for us both.

I am glad you enjoyed the link. The system is great for small spaces and people with no green thumbs. I am guilty of both. I also have small dogs that would count as garden pests. So I like that it is elevated.

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