The Young Widow - Faith

Faith is a hard topic for me as a widow. It is a crossroad. I pick the thoughts that I let in and which ones I barely listen to. It is not to be rude but it is to protect my own sanity. Honestly, making these selfish decisions are what keep me just barely okay. It's just that it is very easy to get confused. What would you have me believe? If this was always God's plan, then why would you help me see all the 'what ifs'. To believe that God was in control of this means that no matter what you did or I did the outcome would be the same. Instead I hear that it was God's will but he was too young, but he was always at the gym, but his medical records didn't show, but we should have known, but something was strange, but what if we would have gone back, but this person should have known, but that one should know better, but this thing is to blame. Would you have me place blame, doubt, and potentially hate or am I to have faith? Was there something someone, anyone could have done or was it the will of God? And what of my little girl's heart? Is her broken heart the will of God?

I don't allow these questions to take over my mind. Even now as I repeat them, they are not allowed to penetrate into me. There are plenty of other questions out there. These questions serve no purpose. They do not change the outcome. They are just servants of a tormentor. A force that seeks to destroy or diminish what I am. I have been what I am for all of my days. The past has not shaken me and this tragedy will not force me to lose the essence that my husband loved so much. I was at church the sunday before he was pulled from my side and every sunday since. It was not until recently, that it became a bit less awkward for me and I was able to sing the songs. I still have tears but I am more accepting of the faith around me.

I have not dressed up for church yet. I was never into the dress up thing anyway, but I went down to sweats and tee-shirts. That is one of the many things that I have to say I LOVE about Living Water Fellowship, they accept you as you are. The Pastors were there for me from day one. Offering their support and guidance at my own pace. I didn't have the control of my reactions either and they never kicked me out. I remember one time someone said that God never gives you more than you can handle and I burst out laughing. Another time the person giving the service told us to tell our neighbors that it was time to move on & I looked at my neighbor and told them not to go there with me right now. No matter how angry, how frustrated, or how lost I was, I kept showing up Wednesdays and Sundays. I refused to follow the natural instinct to turn my back on what was my faith. I can't even tell you why. I am stubborn by nature and just knew that I needed to go to 'the place'.

So where is my faith now? Surrounding yourself with faithful people makes you see faith. I believe many things. I am not fortunate enough to hear the voice of God but I never needed evidence to fuel my faith. I believe that God does not give us more than we can handle, but this is not heaven and God is not the only one giving onto our lives. I believe my husband is free and that is the only thing about his death that is of importance to me. My grief & my pain are not due to some selfish desire to have him back. While anyone would jump at the chance, it is not a possibility so I choose not to think about it. My faith was here before he left, it was one of the many things he loved. It is not a product of wanting to see him again.

So the world shakes beneath my feet and I will stand firm.

These thoughts created 2 poems...

10/30/11 He Knows
Was inspired by a popular song.

11/9/11 Praise by Choice
I wrote this one while in church. I was asking myself why I was there. Then the poem came and I had to write it on the only paper available, the envelope used to tithe.

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Comments 20 comments

Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

This is beautiful. Your faith is there and you will not let go of it. I am so happy, it is the thing which will save you. We all have free will in all things. Satan does things in this world all the time which causes people to lose their faith. He rejoices when we lose faith in

God. Keep with your faith and God will keep with you. I am praying for you and offer my love and hugs. God Bless you.

adrienne2 profile image

adrienne2 5 years ago from Atlanta

I am so pleased to read your hub Moms-secret. From reading your hub I believe you are a strong woman, and your faith is so much greater than what you realize. I am so very sorry for your lost. I am sending you and your daughter great big cyber hugs. Thank you for being part of the HP family.

Marjatta profile image

Marjatta 5 years ago

Well said, Moms-Secret. I am keeping the faith with you for all the reasons you said. Thanks for helping me work out my own grief.

I have been told that the pain will ease as time goes on by two dear friends of mine who also lost their partners. All we can do is hang on to our faith and survive with the help of our friends. They said that it is possible to feel joyful and hopeful again, but each in their own time.

I know that I didn't own Shaun's heart - God did. He was just on loan to me for a little while, and I have to believe that he is safe, warm, and surrounded by love, as we all will be someday.

It's just getting through the time in between that is so damn hard. You are making it easier for me. Thank you and please keep writing.

Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 5 years ago from Central Florida Author

Becky faith is hard. I am thankful that I have plenty of experience in hard. Your constant support makes hard not so bad and for that I fear that I will never be able to thank you and all my new friends enough.

Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 5 years ago from Central Florida Author

Hello Adrienne2, I am very happy to meet you. I appreciate your very large compliments. When others say they see strength and faith in me, I have no choice to believe it is so even tho I honestly do not feel these things yet. Thank you for the cyber hugs, they are one of my favorite gifts.

Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 5 years ago from Central Florida Author

Marjatta, WOW! Your comment moved me much like a rip current moves everything in its path. I never would have thought that by typing into a computer I would be helping someone in my very same situation. I am so honored and humbled. I can't thank you enough for sharing this with me. I believe as your friends say, eventually the pain will become such a normal part of our lives that we will know how to maneuver around it and work with it. Maybe we will even be able to shine one day. In a way it is nice to have that to look forward to, huh?

Beata Stasak profile image

Beata Stasak 5 years ago from Western Australia

Inspirational writing 'Moms-Secret'...all the best for your future..we will think of you:)

Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 5 years ago from Central Florida Author

Thank you for commenting Beata and of coarse thank you for the well wishes and the thoughts. I appreciate them so much.

Movie Master profile image

Movie Master 5 years ago from United Kingdom

In difficult times, I have never asked why has God allowed this, it's too complex for me....

Just do what you are doing and hold on to your faith, it will strengthen you and give you direction, my thoughts and prayers are with you, hugs MM

Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 5 years ago from Central Florida Author


Unfortunately, the question comes up. My daughter asks it. Other members of the family who feel wronged ask it regularly. My answer to the 'how could he' questions remain the same and simple. I try to remember that my Prince died in a peaceful way, the way most people say they would like to leave the earth. God is not the only constant player in our lived down here so we can't blame him for all the bad things that happen. My Prince lived an amazing life and deserves the splendor of heaven.

Then I just stop talking. Thank you for the comment, your thoughts, your prayers, and your hugs. I am so grateful.

Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

The support of our fellow humans is a necessary thing in all lives. I am happy to give you the support that so many have heaped upon me. Life has been hard on a lot of us. I am happy to give you any help that I can. I am paying it forward.

baygirl33 profile image

baygirl33 5 years ago from Hamilton On.

I didn't watch your video yet.I was too struck by how your words and thoughts echo my own. You sound determined not to go down the same dark paths as I do.But I get that you have a little girl to think about.I,of course,don't.I am much older than you.My children are grown and are very good to me.But they have their own lives,and after the shock wore off I'm deciding they don't need me leaning on them forever.But while your grief and responsibility are longer term,I find myself thinking the distraction and company of a small child would be a blessing in itself.For me the walls need not to be so quiet and forlorn.

You sound very interesting and I will come back and read more of your work. Good luck with your task and your life.

Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 5 years ago from Central Florida Author

I am so happy that you stopped in and commented BAYGIRL33. I know that each of our journeys as widows is different yet we all have the emotions and struggles in common. If you have more blessings to give children and feel that it would benefit both you and the child, maybe you could look into fostering. I know the children would be grateful. I am trying to learn from this journey and all I keep coming back to is 'what meaningful things can I do while I wait to see him again?' What would make him happy and proud if he were still here. It is hard for me to allow myself to forget our legacy just because I can no longer see him.

I look forward to seeing more of you Baygirl...

baygirl33 profile image

baygirl33 5 years ago from Hamilton On.

Thank you moms-secret. I know they are walking beside us.

tirelesstraveler profile image

tirelesstraveler 5 years ago from California

Dear One, Jeremiah 31:25. Kutless helps to lift the soul.

Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 5 years ago from Central Florida Author


Thank you for reading and commenting on the work. Your comment sent me running to my Bible which never gets opened. I had to use the table of contents to find the page. My reward was great. 'I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint'. It was needed tonight and will be needed in the morning.

Thank you.

newenglandsun 3 years ago

We don't know why evil happens. All we know is evil is willed for some reason whatever it is at the moment. I think it is good we don't know the answer because if we did, we'd be pointing fingers at each other and nothing would get done.

Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

I never believed that understanding was needed for acceptance. I do not wonder, not about this anyway.

newenglandsun 3 years ago

I always have trouble when my father talks about how the problem of evil has already been "addressed" by numerous Christian apologists so people shouldn't try and question God because of the problem of evil. Nevertheless, the Bible, Psalms especially, is riddled with people who constantly question God because of the evil in this world.

Psalm 22:1-2 - My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer; and by night, but find no rest. (NRSV Catholic Edition)

My mom finds a BarlowGirl song to be objectionable because it does a similar thing the Psalmist does here and my cousin never considers the emotion that the Psalmist puts into his writings. Here's the song by the way, it's actually quite beautiful.

newenglandsun 2 years ago

Read (verbal command) these two pages.

I now wish I had the entire book. (my reaction to reading them)

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