Things in the bathroom you shouldn't give a crap about
#1. Toilet paper direction
Seriously, over the front or down the back? Who cares, and further more, why does it matter? It’s toilet paper. You’re just gonna use it to wipe your butt or blow your nose anyway. Why does it have to come off the roll in some particular, magic way? Is the world going to end if it goes on the roll the wrong way or –heaven forbid– you leave the new roll on the back of the toilet instead of changing out the old roll?
Honestly, it shouldn’t matter. It’s just toilet paper. If you care so much about the way it comes off the roll, then maybe you don’t have enough in your life to care about. People are starving in Africa, women and children are being butchered in Gaza, and your toilet paper roll isn’t dispensing according to some arcane doctrine that nobody in a destitute nation gives even the slightest tiny rat crap about. What’s wrong with this picture? Focus on things that really matter. Which way the paper you wipe your butt with goes isn’t one of them.
In short, don’t have a prolapse next time someone puts the roll on backwards from the way it’s “supposed” to go. At the very least, be glad they had the courtesy to replace the tube at all, or even better– just be glad you have toilet paper. In some countries you have to pay for it by the square, and trust me– it doesn’t come cheap.
#2. Leaving the seat up or down
Ladies, come on. You complain that if the seat is up, you’re either going to rush into the bathroom without looking and fall into the toilet or you’re going to actually have to touch it with your hands in order to put it down. All I can say is, welcome to my world. As a man, it has always frustrated me that, after I’m done doing the urine dance I actually have to touch the toilet seat with my hands just in case the next person who comes in to use the toilet is a woman. Nobody seems to care about the man that might come in next who has to lift the seat, do his business, and then put it back down again. That’s twice the toilet touching that you ladies do. But in all honesty, is it worth getting worked up about either way? Again, people starving, people dying, the environment being steadily destroyed by overconsumption facilitated by greedy corporations, etc. Is it really more important to have even the slightest cow about whether the seat is up or down than it is to get out there and try to do something to help people who are dying? At the very least, I say, be glad you have a toilet seat. It sure as heck beats the cold stone hole with a pit beneath it that the ancient Romans had to use.
#3. Being able to eat off your toilet
Do you care that much? Honestly? Do you really?
Okay, this is not only pointless, but kind of gross. Ever heard the expression “Toilet so clean you could eat off of it”? If that doesn’t conjure a visual that makes you want to vomit right away, then there’s something seriously wrong with you.
Toilets are made for handling waste, not for serving your next banquet. Unlike your fine china (hopefully) someone is guaranteed to put their butt on your toilet at least once a day. That’s 365 times a year, at the very minimum. Think about how many years your toilet has been in service, and then ask yourself– regardless of how much effort has been put into cleaning it, regardless of how clean it looks, do you really want to even consider eating anything off of something that's had that many butts on it? I say, treat it like anything else that handles waste. If you can smell it from the next room, then you should probably take a brush to it, but considering the fact that most toilets stay pretty clean on their own with normal use, I honestly don’t see why you’d ever really have to spend any more time with it than you do on a daily basis anyway.
#4. Soap scum
I’ll admit that the mottled brown look that a shower gets if it’s been like six months between cleanings can be a little intimidating if you’ve got one of those little closet-stall showers that feels like you’re climbing into a coffin at the bottom of Niagara Falls, but if you’ve got a bathtub with a shower head six feet above it, you’ve got nothing to complain about. Honestly– it’s just soap.
Besides, what do you think happens to all that caustic crap you’re spraying in the tub to get the scum off with? What do you think it does to the environment when it goes from the drain to the rivers or the ocean and mixes in with all the animals and microbiotic stuff out there? All the stuff you eat. They breathe it, eat it, swim in it and mate in it. Now that, my friends, is more disgusting than any neglected shower you will ever see.
So next time you find yourself suiting up to spray down the tub and scrub away the sediment with chemicals that can burn your skin or cauterize your lungs, think about the last piece of seafood you ate, because even if it didn’t spawn in the particular breed of crap you washed out of your shower, it’s definitely tasted the scum and chemicals of someone’s tub.
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