Thinking during a Manic Episode!!

I'd like to mention that this experience happened while I was on the wrong medication. I believe the medication caused it.


When I think (while experiencing symptoms of bipolar such as Mania) I try and focus and deal with the matter at hand, while trying to solve my problems. You see, I am like a scientist studying my own brain, because no one, not even the psychiatrist can "go in there" and "see what's really going on". So, when I see my doctor, psychiatrist, counselor, I describe to the best of my ability, in detail, how I feel, and I've even suggested medicines I should take with the doctor's guidance.

In mental health, you have to "help yourself" alot, I think it's difficult for doctors to help you if you don't express how you feel....we feel what we're going thru, and no one else can help us sometimes for mental illness is an invisible disease in that you don't see the suffering like you would blood and broken bones.

Lately, I've been becoming aware of many things. I call it what my friend said "When you're 30 you no longer feel like when you were 25" --your interests and priortites change. I feel I have progressed. I now understand many more things about people in my life--I used to take alot of people seriously when they were joking. Having a change of perspective can be really good. Mental Illness tends to twist or trick a person's mind at times, which can break down their enjoyment in life, some people for instance, can't relax around people without alcohol.

You've come a long way baby :-)

I like this saying because I have. We all come a long way over time, perhaps because that is the nature of life. Learning is inevitalbe to some degree, depending how much you want to learn of course.

But back to my paper, Learning is often painful, isn't it? For example if you're 5 and you touch a hot stove, learning not to do that hurts! So can learning anything~we often need experience and that is the best teacher but is a tough one !

It seems like it takes a long time, years, a lifetime really, to learn what you need to know or want to know.


Have you ever taken "notes" when you were high?

You who have smoked weed, have you ever recorded yourself or written down your thoughts thinking they were "like wow" and later when you were sober, they were just a little loopy?

Well, being manic is sorta like being on drugs though you're not, it's a brain teaser twist thingie. So, last time I got manic which lasted I don't know 5-7 hours.....I at first (as always) thought because I was happy, I was being "cured". About an hour or two later I realized I was manic and (I get low doses of mania btw) was not being cured, what a bummer. I thought since I was on a new medicine and felt great at that moment, it would 'cure' me. So... I record or write sometimes when manic and I wrote:

Question: I was manic hours ago and feeling happy (now I'm feeling sorta crappy) will my mind be as clear as it is now when I awake from sleeping later? You see I've obsessively overanalyzed to see reality as non-reality and then I've become aware I'm obsessing and feel "dumb". I often hurt others and myself with false accusations when obsessing. My thoughts and view get distorted.

(You see the above, was written while manic, and I was aware of the way my mind works, and it bothered me. Does anyone else feel aware when manic? I've seen friends go "crazy" and say off the wall stuff about hallucinations and stuff--but they weren't smart enough to call crisis or help before they got worse--though some people I know do call for help , maybe the ones that don't are more sick and fall into their mania or psychosis very hard...?

Mania is like getting high without a drug. So, will my view remain clear? I wish! I wish I always felt clear and happy. (I started feeling good the other day, I was driving home and I noticed all the details around me of nature and felt Good. Normally when driving I don't notice everything and just can't wait to get to my destination). But from experience, I will feel sad, and confused angry depressed and twisted all over again. Such is the cycle of bipolar/manic-depression, yeah?

IN MY REALITY OF THOUGHT COMES: DISCOVERY

During these periods when my mind is "super clear" I have mindblowing or at least enlightening self discoveries, or at least they seem that way! Tonight I realized things about myself. (But I know at some point I will dwell on those facts and twist the crap out of them. I sometimes can't tell if I'm having instinctive gut feelings or just obsessive twisting thoughts.) These things can improve over time and there are just some people, like detectives, who by nature are very analytical, and sometimes their hunches are right on, or way off. We just need to remind ourselves that we may be dead wrong, and not assume!

As to these conclusions-

  • Honestly I'm dissappointed
  • I hope my new medicine helps my mind
  • The brain is a complex and amazing organ

What is chemical imbalance or mental pain?? you ask???

The term chemiclal imbalance is for "a lack of serotonin in the brain" Serotonin is a chemical now put in pills to help people with this problem. I have that problem. It makes me no less normal and smart (just occassionally, manic, or depressed!)

IF YOU DON'T SUFFER YOU'RE LUCKY! (This when I was writing while manic!)

But I know there are many many many physical illnesses that I probably wouldn't trade this for.

Note-- No one has the right to judge anyone-- until they study it themselves. Would you judge me if you had not read this? Do you judge me now?

Thoughts about God

I've received much comfort by believing in God and 'feeling His presence' and knowing He is always there for me. In fact I believe He has helped me get better, for the more I focus on His help, the better I feel.

HUMANS DON'T LIKE PAIN

I hate pain. I don't want it. Have you seen the video on youtube of the guy born without arms or legs? He overcame being depressed at his situation and eventually became accepting and happy and is now a motivational speaker, traveling all over the world, being hugged by teenagers who he speaks to about how their life isn't so bad! Awesome. I say we all need to accept what we get, what else can we do? We just inspire each other and that's a core human value.

This helps me to put my life into perspective and be thankful for what I do have

DIFFERENT REASONS FOR DEPRESSION

Situational and Chemical

Some depression and illness results from trauma or abuse or unhappiness about life (situational)

others can't think of a reason, it just happens to them (chemical)

Mental Illness is a physical lack of serotonin in the brain

Likewise, people who have experienced deterioration of inner organs........became mentally sick or had dementia The body if sick can cause the mind to get sick and vice versa. The body is a whole unit, combination of ALL PARTS, Dentists will tell you if you're teeth are infected, it will affect the body. Oral health affects overall health too.

MY PHILOSOPHY

WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER~ WE NEED EACH OTHER

FARMERS NEED DOCTORS

DOCTORS NEED OPTHAMALOGISTS

NEED SCIENTISTS

NEED COMEDIANS

NEED MASSAGE THERAPISTS

NEED COWBOYS

NEED PARENTS

NEED CHILDREN

NEED SMILES :)

GOD OR NO GOD, GET ALONG!! RESPECT LIFE--Why? Because we need each other

Respect Life

We are here people to inspire each other, we are all blessed in our own ways and have a human makeup to share Love, Experience, Feelings


More by this Author


Comments 17 comments

cheaptrick profile image

cheaptrick 6 years ago from the bridge of sighs

Hi SG.Cant believe I'm the first to comment.If I read this again I'll break down[can't allow that]and cry.How humble this hub makes me feel.This,without a doubt,is your master piece.I'd like to reaffirm what you said about healing our own mind with two quotes"The unexamined life[mind] is not worth living"...Socrates.

"The mind,left alone,will heal it's self"...Carl Jung.Never say I or any other hubber is over your head...Your wrong there.Thanks

Dean


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA Author

Dean,

thankyou. I was nervous when I posted this, as I sometimes am, not knowing if it would crash or be viewed as really good!! Such is the feeling when you take a chance. I had a feeling it was really good! Thankyou Dean for being my 1st commenter, and for assuring me or giving affirmation. I am grateful!! Cheers Dean! I appreciate your comment :) I'm glad this hub had a good effect on you. I'll be thinking about your quotes

your friend, SG


Mike Lickteig profile image

Mike Lickteig 6 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

Thanks for allowing us a peek inside your heart and soul. Allowing us to read what you have written while in a manic state was extremely courageous. Your efforts to help yourself through understanding your thoughts and feelings in different emotional states is powerful--and so was allowing us to know what you were thinking during these times. I do not judge you, but you have earned my respect and admiration with your courage.

Mike


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA Author

@Mike,

I thank you. It seems to me, when one lacks something, something else fills in. I seem to compensate for my "lack of" with things like love, feelings, 'courage'. Thank you, Mike for stating how you feel and capturing my hub. :)

I am filled with joy at this moment. God bless!


atienza profile image

atienza 6 years ago from Northern California

Wow, I love this. What a wonderful, generous peek you have given into your mind. Things worth thinking about. Thank you.


Dave Mathews profile image

Dave Mathews 6 years ago from NORTH YORK,ONTARIO,CANADA

Schoolgirlforreal: I have a sense of what you are going through, having gone through several bouts of depression myself, upto and including two attempts of suicide. Two important things helped me personally, but I can't say they will help everyone. First I turned to God in prayer. Yes something good and something helpful.

Second I got excuse me please(damn good and angry with myself for allowing myself to get that depressed in the first place.)

I would pray daily, telling myself that nothing but nothing in this world mattered to me any more, Except, what God wanted for me, and I would ask God to tell me show me guide me through each day.

I also refused to be medicated, with the various drugs, because I figured God needs me to have a clear head a clear mind, if He's going to do His thing with me.

This is not for everyone, unless their belief in God is really strong, and unless they are very strong willed to trust God for anything and everything. I have such a will so it works for me.

Now when I feel moments of weakness, moments when satan may be trying to tempt me back I simply say father satan's trying to mess with my head and I need help, and within minutes, sometimes seconds, I'm back on track.

Schoolgirl: I am not suggesting this for you to try, only expressing my experiences. You are not alone dear sister. God is by your side, and my spirit is nearby too.

Brother Dave.


DoorMattnomore 6 years ago

I really love your philosophy. We are all in need. Everyone, needs a hand sometimes. Well done.


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA Author

@atienza

Thankyou! very much for your input! :)

@Dave Matthews

yes, I agree God helps and focusing helps. Thankyou

@DoorMattnomore

I've seen you before! Thanks for stopping by!


DoorMattnomore 6 years ago

you've seen me before? hmmm.....well, your welcome and I will be stopping by more when I can!


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA Author

Thanks :)

I have seen some of your hubs and

that is a very catchy name :)


Daniel Carter profile image

Daniel Carter 6 years ago from Western US

This is awesome, schoolgirl. We have things in common. I understand and have experience with mental illnesses.

Nick's video is just the right touch to drive home our points. I'm referring friends to this hub. Thanks so much. Glad to be a follower.


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA Author

@Daniel Carter

Thanks so much! This is exactly one of the reasons I've written this and other similar hubs on mental illness--to help others! Thankyou!


K9keystrokes profile image

K9keystrokes 6 years ago from Northern, California

Hey Hub buddy~ Wow, another really honored moment for me. Thank you for bringing your pain, open and raw for our hearts to witness. It is a very wonderful thing you offer your readers, that special part of you that even you struggle to know. I am graced with the awareness of how much respect I have for you and your work,...thank you for always spilling yourself onto the page. I learn so very much from your brave soul. You are special Rose. I wish for you calm serinity far grander in quality than the moments you suffer through your mania.

Good work here!

~Always choose love~

Your hub bud,

K9


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA Author

K9, It's great to see you :)

Your support is greatly appreciated.

I've been feeling a bit better lately, thank you for your thoughts and wishes.xxoo Rose


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 5 years ago from USA Author

I just wanted to add to my comments, that I have been deeply touched by everyone here, and you should know that...And even if you do, I still want to tell you. Your responses really uplift me trememdously.


Kayana profile image

Kayana 5 years ago from Campbell, CA

I have bipolar and I completely understand what you are saying about how you feel when you are manic. It's true what you say about no one being able to truly understand unless they've gone through it themselves; it's not their fault, that's just how it is. Thanks for being so open!


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi Kayana! Nice to have you visit :) Your lipliner hub was cool ;)

My sister has bipolar too, and when I'm really down she understands best. It's good to have friends who understand! Your welcome. I look forward to seeing you around more! You're sweet!

SGFR

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