Bipolar Diaries - To Walk Around Emotionally Naked
Naked for Eternity
To walk around emotionally naked
I don’t understand
How with all my openness
I don’t even know myself.
I’m not emotionally naked
Before my own eyes
How can anyone understand me,
When even I don’t know myself?
No, it’s no poetry, no poem,
For pain is not poetic
Do you think I feel beautiful,
When I cry?
When knowing yourself is not enough. Is it ever?
It’s my “Moroccan Dream”
I’m sitting at home
LIstening to the music of the “Spanish Café”.
I’ve been invited to surrender.
“Surrender to the charm of the Spanish Café,
Where passionate guitarists
With romantic melodies.”
I love guitar instrumentals.
There is elation.
Then comes “Moroccan Dream”,
Then “Elation”, but wait
There comes “Someday”.
The Power of Music
Nothing speaks to me so profoundly
I have no defense against it.
Charm? Romance? Passion?
All I feel is my pain, so acute,
That there are no words,
There are no words
I cry, I weep,
I don’t stop to wipe them.
I don’t know what it is all about.
“Someday” I hope to find answers
To yet unformulated questions.
I’m ready to believe in God
My favourite writer Victor Pelevin
Why people created God in their own image,
“After their own sanctimonious mugs”?
Would it not be more appropriate
To have God as a beautiful melody?
"Misionera" Fernando Bustamante
“Someday” maybe I will be able to love.
I’m so afraid to dive
Into the ocean of emotions.
I’ve never loved.
I was rejected.
I kept rejecting.
All my life I’m fighting pain
Denial is so encompassing
That I am simply blind.
I’m so numb
I don’t feel my own bleeding.
If I continue going so deep,
What are my chances to ever connect?
- I’ve lost you.
- You could not have lost me. You have never had me.
- How could I have you, if you never allowed me to love you?
Let crying do the talking.
Find the One. Only one?
I wish someone could feel the same.
There are no words.
There are no words.
I don’t care about nakedness.
Do you think it’s beautiful?
It feels so ugly.
I try remembering that stupid mall
I worked in
How can clothes make you beautiful,
When you have nothing to say?
You have no courage?
You have nothing.
What can I tell you about myself,
When I don’t even know myself?
Avoid the void.
Remain in pain.
Be like others.
I have to be an actress, I was told.
I am the Drama Queen.
But it is a different Drama.
The Drama called Life.
Remain in chains of pain inane...
“Someday” is not about charm
It’s about power to make me cry
And not reach for yet
Another unfulfilling connection.
You have not lost me.
I am yet to find myself.
I am still here.
Remain in chains
Of pain inane…
I was in AWE - alternating between Avoidance, Withdrawal and Escapism
I wrote it shortly after I was fired (let go, freed from futility) from my job in one of the posh Toronto malls in March 2011. There was nothing wrong with the job itself, nothing wrong with the people who worked there, but there were a lot of things wrong with me.
Maybe I could have and should have just found yet another unfulfilling job and make money while trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with me and what went wrong with my last job, with every job that I ever had, with my marriage, with all my relationships.
But I reasoned and I stood by my choice, by my conviction, that only staying away from choices that I knew would no longer work for me, I would be pushed into the depths of soul-searching. I spent a lot of time in denial and a lot of time escaping, or both surrendering and escaping. The pain is too great to put a right word for it.
The way it was written
The way it was written
This melody by Kevin LaLiberte “Someday” made me cry the first time I heard it. And I heard it in the psychiatric ward of the Scarborough Hospital in Toronto. I would not say I was weeping, I was listening and quietly crying. But then a nurse came up to me and asked me “How are you doing? I see everything is fine”.
Fine? Others rarely have any idea how we feel and what we feel inside, but they are of lesser consequence that we are ourselves. We don’t know until we ready to face it.
So, this stream/poem was written in one sitting with no editing. It was an attempt to let the feeling guide me through whatever will be able to fall onto the paper. The only challenge was to keep crying as long as I wanted to cry. Crying was primary, writing secondary (let crying do the talking). It was certainly not intended for HubPages.
I have always found it too hard to open up completely, to drop the comedy act, to stop lying to myself. I realize now, more than ever that the challenge is tremendous.
If you ever felt the need to do something similar, fell free to do it. Or treat it like a writing exercise. What a does person diving into a dark territory of suicidal states every now and then think?
A Chasing Shadow
Even though I was writing it only for myself, it is obvious I am nowhere near emotional nakedness. Physical nakedness is as welcome as emotional, even though I would say it is a better business. We spend time and money to look good and still the majority of us would not face the mirror. I mean our naked bodies are not such a thrill!
But emotionally? We hide our emotions and thoughts; we manipulate them so that we never have to face them. We have been oversocialized and overtrained, we were taught to ignore our instincts and inclinations. But something inside of me keeps fighting and I have to find that little light that there is still there.
To become a Warrior of Light
To become a Warrior of Light,
I must face my own Ugliness,
Brake the chains of
and leave Darkness
You will cry, as the rain you will cry
"Arrivera" - lyrics in Italian and English
- Translation of "Arriverà (ft. Emma Marrone)" by Modà from Italian to English
It will come You'll cry As the rain you'll cry And you'll go away As the leaves taken away by the sad autumn's wind You'll go away Sure of the fact that you'll never ever forgive yourself But one day Your heart will wake In one hot sunny summer day
© 2012 kallini2010
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