Bipolar Diaries - To Walk Around Emotionally Naked

Naked for Eternity

The artist captured how she looked, but I wonder what she thought. Was she happy to stay naked for eternity?
The artist captured how she looked, but I wonder what she thought. Was she happy to stay naked for eternity? | Source


To walk around emotionally naked

I don’t understand

How with all my openness

I don’t even know myself.



I’m not emotionally naked

Before my own eyes

How can anyone understand me,

When even I don’t know myself?



No, it’s no poetry, no poem,

For pain is not poetic

Do you think I feel beautiful,

When I cry?


When knowing yourself is not enough. Is it ever?

I have trouble with the perspective and balance, but somehow I always know that I am going to fall flat on my face
I have trouble with the perspective and balance, but somehow I always know that I am going to fall flat on my face | Source


It’s my “Moroccan Dream”

I’m sitting at home

LIstening to the music of the “Spanish Café”.

I’ve been invited to surrender.

I did.




“Surrender to the charm of the Spanish Café,

Where passionate guitarists

Serenade guests

With romantic melodies.”



Romantic?


I love guitar instrumentals.

There is elation.

Then comes “Moroccan Dream”,

Then “Elation”, but wait

There comes “Someday”.


The Power of Music

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent”  ― Victor Hugo
“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent” ― Victor Hugo | Source


Nothing speaks to me so profoundly

As “Someday”.

I have no defense against it.

Charm? Romance? Passion?



All I feel is my pain, so acute,

That there are no words,

There are no words

I cry, I weep,

I don’t stop to wipe them.

I write.



I don’t know what it is all about.

“Someday” I hope to find answers

To yet unformulated questions.


I’m ready to believe in God

My favourite writer Victor Pelevin

Once asked

Why people created God in their own image,

“After their own sanctimonious mugs”?

Would it not be more appropriate

To have God as a beautiful melody?


"Misionera" Fernando Bustamante


“Someday” maybe I will be able to love.

I’m so afraid to dive

Into the ocean of emotions.

I’ve never loved.

Never?

Not anyone?

I was rejected.

I kept rejecting.



All my life I’m fighting pain

Denial is so encompassing

All-embracing

That I am simply blind.

I’m so numb

I don’t feel my own bleeding.


Beautiful chains

Chains, beautiful or invisible?
Chains, beautiful or invisible? | Source


If I continue going so deep,

What are my chances to ever connect?


- I’ve lost you.

- You could not have lost me. You have never had me.

- How could I have you, if you never allowed me to love you?


Let crying do the talking.


Find the One. Only one?

I wish someone could feel the same.

There are no words.

There are no words.


I don’t care about nakedness.

Do you think it’s beautiful?

It feels so ugly.



I try remembering that stupid mall

I worked in

How can clothes make you beautiful,

When you have nothing to say?


You have no courage?

You have nothing.


What can I tell you about myself,

When I don’t even know myself?


Avoid the void.

Remain in pain.

Be like others.

Conform.

Deform.

I can’t.

I tried.


I have to be an actress, I was told.

I am.

I am the Drama Queen.

But it is a different Drama.

The Drama called Life.


Source

Remain in chains of pain inane...


“Someday” is not about charm

It’s about power to make me cry

And not reach for yet

Another unfulfilling connection.


You have not lost me.

I am yet to find myself.

Someday.

Until then…

I am still here.


Remain in chains

Of pain inane…


I was in AWE - alternating between Avoidance, Withdrawal and Escapism


I wrote it shortly after I was fired (let go, freed from futility) from my job in one of the posh Toronto malls in March 2011. There was nothing wrong with the job itself, nothing wrong with the people who worked there, but there were a lot of things wrong with me.


Maybe I could have and should have just found yet another unfulfilling job and make money while trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with me and what went wrong with my last job, with every job that I ever had, with my marriage, with all my relationships.


But I reasoned and I stood by my choice, by my conviction, that only staying away from choices that I knew would no longer work for me, I would be pushed into the depths of soul-searching. I spent a lot of time in denial and a lot of time escaping, or both surrendering and escaping. The pain is too great to put a right word for it.


The way it was written

Source

The way it was written


This melody by Kevin LaLiberte “Someday” made me cry the first time I heard it. And I heard it in the psychiatric ward of the Scarborough Hospital in Toronto. I would not say I was weeping, I was listening and quietly crying. But then a nurse came up to me and asked me “How are you doing? I see everything is fine”.


Fine? Others rarely have any idea how we feel and what we feel inside, but they are of lesser consequence that we are ourselves. We don’t know until we ready to face it.


So, this stream/poem was written in one sitting with no editing. It was an attempt to let the feeling guide me through whatever will be able to fall onto the paper. The only challenge was to keep crying as long as I wanted to cry. Crying was primary, writing secondary (let crying do the talking). It was certainly not intended for HubPages.


I have always found it too hard to open up completely, to drop the comedy act, to stop lying to myself. I realize now, more than ever that the challenge is tremendous.


If you ever felt the need to do something similar, fell free to do it. Or treat it like a writing exercise. What a does person diving into a dark territory of suicidal states every now and then think?


A Chasing Shadow

Emotional Nakedness


Even though I was writing it only for myself, it is obvious I am nowhere near emotional nakedness. Physical nakedness is as welcome as emotional, even though I would say it is a better business. We spend time and money to look good and still the majority of us would not face the mirror. I mean our naked bodies are not such a thrill!


But emotionally? We hide our emotions and thoughts; we manipulate them so that we never have to face them. We have been oversocialized and overtrained, we were taught to ignore our instincts and inclinations. But something inside of me keeps fighting and I have to find that little light that there is still there.


Source

To become a Warrior of Light


To become a Warrior of Light,

I must face my own Ugliness,

Brake the chains of

Emotional Ignorance

and leave Darkness

for Good.


You will cry, as the rain you will cry

Source

© 2012 kallini2010

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Comments 50 comments

mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 4 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

You are a maestro with your pen. You tap the power of your emotions as your words flow like music from a well practiced orchestra. It does not matter whether this was a singular flow of words or a well polished piece that took months to put together. There is peace. There is aguish. And you captured it.


James-wolve profile image

James-wolve 4 years ago from Morocco

Very touching and sad.I am really sorry for what you ve been through.I wish if I was there to stand by you and give you a very tight hug.To be naked emotionally is no easy task,it requires courage and frankness.We deal with something floating, abstract but existing,It is not like being naked physically so we could see our bodies as we were born,no masks or makeups to wear.Emotionally ,we wear masks when we are afriad to face ourselves so that we fall prey to the blindness and the numbness.To finish,I want you to think about this quote :

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today

I voted up.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Mike. You are very kind. I just wanted to let it go, send if down the River of the Past.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, James-wolve, I appreciate your hug and your very touching words. You are right, I was (am) putting off life, even though I know that I have to live in the NOW and I do.

The irony of living in the NOW is that it is more gratifying, yet it is the very foundation of procrastination. Unfortunately (or fortunately) for me, often I no longer have control over my emotions, they are so strong and unpredictable that my behaviour betrays my judgment. I lose my better judgment.

It is hardly a dream of anyone to strip emotionally, but since it became my reality, there is no other option but to simply find a way how to deal with it. If only it was so simple.

And I know one of the best ways to dealing with all this emotional mess is to accept it in the first place. And once something takes shape even if it is nothing more that a stream of words - I have to release it. I used to start hubs and never finish them, because they were never up to my standards. And at some point my creativity would take me everywhere and yet at another my depression would negate all my creative and happy outbursts. And no drafts were published. Not to much of a loss to anyone but my confidence.

With this one - I thought it was more important to release it AS IS just to create a sense of accomplishment and closure. I started, I finished.

I thank you very much again. It was very important to me to read what you said. Thank you.


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Powerful words and emotions....been there....almost died from it. Today there is light where once there was window shades drawn and phone calls unanswered. Life is beautiful today for me; the change happened when I allowed it to.

Thank you for a glimpse into who you are; I don't know any other way to write. :)


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Billy! I have almost died, too, but I waited - just another day, another day, another day... I know that life can be beautiful or maybe will be beautiful. "Someday". That is why loved that music so much. I think music is much more powerful than all the words combined.


haikutwinkle profile image

haikutwinkle 4 years ago

Music is a universal language. It is certainly more powerful than words and speaks more than a thousand words. But speaking words with the right rhythms/climax makes it even more powerful. Many presidential candidates' speeches in the US were often analyzed and compared to speeches by previous presidents. Similarly in a musical composition, there is an opening, an introduction to various rhythms, gradually building towards a climax, maintaining a certain degree of it before gradually returning to a normal rhythm.

Music has a language of its own. It vibrates in frequencies to the comprehending heart and soul while words may only reach the listeners' ears (if properly understood). Even when words are often misunderstood, the tones will be able to convey what wasn't.

Though my favorite composer is Chopin, I'm also fascinated by Beethoven's music. In his era, he had probably done what was deemed 'impossible' - to compose and conduct music being tone-deaf.

Have a blessed birthday!

Scorpios are definitely an excellent sign!


Ghaelach 4 years ago

Morning kallini2010.

A very powerful hub. Your poems are awesome.

The music that partners your poems and words have been chosen from the heart.

Thanks for sharing and I will be sharing.

Take care and have a safe day.

LOL Ghaelach


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

My dear Svetlana, this is RAW CRYING on paper/screen. Heartbreaking! Sad! I am crying with you.... with real tears.....

You suffer what I call 'Acute Rejection' for a very long time now.... Maybe since the beginning... That event in 2011 was just the last, or one of the last, blows against your will(power) to be happy (with yourself.) FORGET about others. You have to be happy with and alone by yourself before you can be happy anywhere else.

Once upon a time it was my 'secret mental ailment'. I went back in my past, searching for people to blame. Unfortunately I could find excuses for all of them and I had no choice but to forgive them on the grounds of extenuating circumstances . At the end God was the only one I could blame. I blamed him for many years - oh, how I blamed Him! Then, one day, after I almost really died, I all of a sudden knew that to live is not a gift you're supposed to enjoy, but a never-ending war you have to fight. You can but only be happy after every victory.... So WHY NOT be happy because of all my victories - Just to get myself in and out of bed is a victory. (Yes, when I am awake I fight sleep and when I am asleep, I don't want to wake up.... ??)

This POEM/ESSAY/call it what you want, Svetlana, IS A VICTORY. Please be happy for at least a couple of hours just because you've put your thoughts, at last, so beautiful and arty down in this most touching hub accompanied by the most beautiful music.

Accidentally it is also today Halloween AND YOUR birthday :))))

Congratulations! Somehow you've managed to stay alive until now. What a victory! You are still ALIVE! In spite of everything, you can still FEEL pain and happiness..... the sun on your skin.... the music in your soul.... your beautiful son....

I am so glad you are still alive, because if you were not, I would not have met you to enjoy your online friendship and brilliant thoughts. Not knowing you, would have been such an (unknown) loss to me. You know, that 'missing something/someone you can't even give a name?

Please be at least happy because I am happy and lucky to have the lovely opportunity to read your writings and to communicate with you.

I believe that if one pretend long enough to feel like a dog, he will eventually believe he is a dog. So I have pretended for many years to by happy and loved; eventually this is what I've become. Maybe I am vain, but I pretend to be the happiest of all and I have really succeeded in my mission to cut and forget, or at least ignore, things/people stealing my joy.

Could I ask you to play a game with me? Send me a list of about 5-10 things that makes you feel happy? The more you can get on your list, the more exciting will our game be. You can email the list to me. This is actually a private game.... Or rather to be rehearsed in private before giving a public show...

Happy birthday, Svetlana! Let this be the first of the rest of your happy life...

Please play with me! Send me that list!

Oh, I LOVE that first song "Misionera" Fernando Bustamante... Will come back to listen to the rest :)


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 4 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

Happy Birthday.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 4 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

happy birthday Svetlana. a beautiful hub my friend. The poetry was straight from the heart, snd it foind the place to go in my heart.

Bravo! or should I say Brava!

I loved it a lot my friend... poetry... Explanations.... Illustrations.

everything


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Svetlana Dolores,

Dang it, you are alive and kicking. You are 42 years old. And I say CONGRATULATIONS. Now start all the hell over again.

Don't ever let a nurse or anyone tell you how you are feeling. You are in charge of that department now and forever more...

And Happy Halloween. Your beautiful interview awaits whenever you are ready. With my love, Teresa


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, haikutwinkle!

I have never studied music and my understanding and appreciation of it is limited by my lack of knowledge. What I like best about music is either the way it makes me feel, or the way it precisely matches my mood. That harmony between the music and emotion is something I might struggle with when I try to express myself in words.

Music brings peace and relief and excitement. Words often bring misunderstanding.

I love rhythms or rhythmic anything. I have met a lot of people who admit that they don't understand poetry and therefore don't like it. Even I would not be looking to pick a book with poetry or sitting and reading through it, but sometimes it happens that a poem expresses my feelings so well that it stays with me forever.

Maybe the name of this phenomenon is the Emotional Resonance.

And I might be wrong or over-sensitive, but a lot of people seem to be either insensitive or desensitized to a lot of things. To trouble of others, to beauty, to music...

I admire Beethoven as well - to write music when you are deaf seems to be impossible. Another phenomenal composer was Mozart - I think he is the only one whose music is regarded to have a therapeutic effect.

Thank you again! And I don't know about all of Scorpios, they turn into nasty chaps sometimes!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Ghaelach, I appreciate your comment. I don't know where I would go from now, the mood and intentions of what to write about next change like weather on a bad day. But sometimes it is important to let it rain, to let it go...

Ironically enough, writing the pain down is the best and fastest way to forget it.


James-wolve profile image

James-wolve 4 years ago from Morocco

After every dark night comes a beautiful dawn.Hang in there even if it has been all crazy.Believe in yourself.Kick the nurses.Throw the medicine away.You are fine.Still young.Alive and kicking. OPen your eyes.Embrace yourself.Hug your soul a little tight.Give it another fight.Believe me I was in worse than that but I didn't give uP.I don't mean to diminish your suffering but just want you to stand still and hold grip.Life is horrible ,if you give it a chance it will pounce on you.There are my friend times when we feel like giving up.But remember that God is teaching us to trust in HIS timing.Don't be in a hurry.Don't be impatient.Don't try to force doors to open.Don't try to make things happen in your strength. Let God do it HIs way.HE has a timetable for all our hearts desires.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Mike!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Martie, I will give you a short answer - thanks a lot for your comment. I know that you suggested a game, but I know that if I cannot do it on a first impulse, it goes into a "Later" pile and another word for "Later" is never. Then I feel guilty about it. Guilt just makes my depression worse.

I ask you to help me to go with whatever I can accomplish because it will be a victory for me just to publish another hub and I already wrote 80% of it and the best way to have any sense of accomplishment and get moving is to simply do it.

I took your comment and made a conversation out of it - between you and me. If it will sound ridiculous, let it be - let me publish it and then we will see. It can always be unpublished.

I am glad I published this "raw" crying - it helped me to start doing something. I have to accept all my limitations. I cannot pretend that I can do something. If it is not happening, it means I cannot do it now. It creates a feeling of shame, guilt and a sense of being defeated.

Let me swim up my own way and you can help me when and where you can the way you can. It is the only realistic way for me now. We had plans with Maria Teresa and I could not do it.

I will be myself, all flaws, all weaknesses, all emotional nakedness, all lying and all crying - I intend to own up to everything - I don't care anymore. I want to be more rational about it - I will do what works for me and admit that I cannot do things. Even if it is just a simple list.

I need to get down to all the "Why's?" and all "How to get out of this mess?"

Pretending never worked for me, I lose touch with reality and drown.

Please don't let me.

I know you will understand.

Love,

Svetlana


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Ian! I am touched, but between you and me, you know it is not poetry. I don't think there is even a name for it or I wish someone would come up with a name for it.

I think it is something like - notes or highlights. I am not a writer, I only write to understand myself.

But I admire how real poets can write all the more!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

Great idea of yours, Kallini!

I also know that feelings of guilt and incompetence. I was - at that time - not able to satisfy my own perfectionistic self. But also for that I've found mantras and still repeating it daily -

"Tomorrow's another day..."

"If a tree doesn't fall on me, I'll live till I die...."

Have you noticed on my Timeline I've posted an awesome aphorism of yours?

BTW, getting out of the depths you are in takes years... So have a heart and be patient with yourself. Tomorrow's another day....


SkySlave profile image

SkySlave 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Outstanding poetry truly. Raw, uncut, in your face with dark intensity. Nothing was held back, painted with true enthusiasm. Nothing less than brilliance here.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Teresa!

I don't think a feeling can be changed willfully or it should be changed.

I want to acknowledge so that I can deal with them better. It is a fundamental principle of awareness and I think it works for me.

You know what I loved about the first rule of creativity? Creativity is not about control, it is about surrender. Surrendering sounds like something only losers do, but I don't care, I have been in that category long enough without really accepting the fact.

The worst thing about depression is not sadness or crying or wanting to jump off a balcony. No, the worst thing is the Point Zero Energy. Energy is everything - you cannot move without it and my body does this to me. I can't move, my speech is slurred.

I am seriously thinking about finding alternatives to the medications.

But leave this all aside. I did not mean to blame the nurse for being insensitive - you have to be to work in the psychiatric ward. It took me a long time to realize that instead of being upset that people do not understand me, it is my job to find those who will.

Of course, the depression keeps me at home and I am unable to do it now. The irony is - I know what to do - and as soon as I get the energy or solve (remove) one block at a time on the road to recovery, I need to build something like the circle of local friends. The online relationships are a tremendous help, but I need those I can see face-to-face because it is one of my sources of energy - interaction with others - live interaction.

Just think of my life as the aftermath of an earthquake - the task seems daunting. And I need to remove one block after another, only the workforce visits the site like tide and ebb - I have to wait for the water to reach the shore to move away stones. I don't know if my comparison makes any sense - everybody is so used to the roller coaster metaphor, but a roller coaster is built for excitement and some people after such excitement would throw up. You gotta have the stomach for it. Besides getting on a roller coaster is always a choice and more often than not an expensive one. But the ocean tides is a force of nature that you can't change. You can only adapt.

There will be joy, there will be sadness, there will be joy, there will be sadness, there will be energy, there will be lying down without as much energy as to lift a finger...

And the interview - we will do it, I promise, but let the idea rest for a while. I have two ideas - one hub I promised Martie I will do no matter how ridiculous it would look and the second one - I thought it would be frowned upon and this is where you step in as a good friend and a good coach

Svetlana, just do it!

the collage of comments - for the purpose of me visiting the page maybe every morning - to boost self-confidence. It sounds narcissistic, but it is anything but.

You are right, Teresa, I am managing, not well, but managing. I could never leave the ship because it would be admitting the ultimate defeat. I just gave myself a word that I will never do it.

And the last word I gave myself - no more miserable birthdays. I know how to make them memorable - what I do for Daniel, I'll do for myself as well. (I'll write it down in my Dreams Journals right now).

I am sorry that it takes me longer to answer comments - it is just my condition.

You know how grateful, happy and excited I am to have you as my friend.

Love and hugs,

Svetlana Dolorsita

P.S. This is for picking up the mood after all that crying

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUNujBNBIzs

Lola rhymes with "ola" - wave - speaking of ebbs and tides!

This Lola is quite a character, though - she uses men for money,

as Daniel says for everything now "Mom, it's just business".

Tu eres una matadora, Lola!

Lola,you are a killer!

Oh, I wish.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, James-wolve. I know and I would assume dawns must be beautiful in Morocco. I shall dream about a beautiful dawn.

I wanted to name my son "The Light of Dawn", even with a different name he is still my light of dawn to me and my everything.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Yes, Martie, tomorrow's another day and as funny (or quite the opposite) as it sounds being a procrastinator and a thinker vs a doer helped me avoid jumping off that damned balcony.

My mantra was precisely that - TOMORROW is another day. All I have to do is survive today.

In certain cases procrastination can be good.

I am working on that hub, I am not happy about it, but I told myself that this hub will be about being able to finish the idea and publish the result and not about quality. So, don't expect much.

We'll see.

Love,

Svetlana


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, SkySlave. I appreciate your comment. My writing is honest. I am trying to let feelings that seemed to take deep roots out. I don't need this heavy luggage.

A lot of people go through the same, yet the feelings of guilt and shame prevent them from opening up. We are not meant to be a graveyard of our past pains.

I don't want to appear strong when I am weak. I just want to be myself. And it is not a true statement - I am strong, I am weak.

I can be strong, but not all the times.

I can be weak, but not all the times.

Thank you again!


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Svetlana Dolores,

I am usually so agreeable...however, as both a psychiatric nurse and an instructor of nurses...insensitive nurses of any kind need remediation or another chosen field. Our clients are our bosses. You know yourself better than anyone else. It is our job to listen and assist with our given skill and expertise...

I totally get your analogy of the sea...yes, much of life is out of our control...we surprise ourself with our strength, we should not be surprised at those times we are not as strong...may need to lean on others..

Chayanne is sooooooo sexy! I love your taste in music and dance. You indeed have a fun and free spirit, my girl...when you are able, you will meet the friends you wish to make. In the meantime, you have us...and even then...always here.

I will cheer you on and assist in your goals in your timeframe, and I know Sista will as well. I am forever patient with friends and you are a forever friend. Hugs, Teresa


James-wolve profile image

James-wolve 4 years ago from Morocco

Yes,It is beautiful in the desert,south of Morocco,especially in Merzouga. If one day you get there and you wake up early enough, you can watch the spectacle of the sunrise, when the colour of the dunes and the play of shadows are an awesome sight. I was there once with a friend of mine when I was still at junior high school.It was a wonderful time.We met different people around the world.There were Canadians too.All of them were excited to take pictures of the sunrise and dunes.

By the way,My real name is not James.It is Tijani. It means in English My Crown :)

Have nice weekend.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Teresa:

I did not know that what I said would be so close to ... "touching the nerve" - I did not know that you were a psychiatric nurse. I am so happy that I have met you. My hospital history is not long enough to have such a deep knowledge or understanding of people working in the field. I can't say it was so terrible, but I can't also say that the nurses met my expectations of what a nurse should be.

I met better people working in the other departments. Maybe you are right, they might be in a wrong field or a wrong profession. Clearly, psychiatry is not for everyone and certainly not for me. I don't even think I can be a teacher because I don't have enough patience.

I remember what my doctor told me when I told him about my impression about the doctors and the nurses in the hospital - I think it was only once that we had that conversation and he agreed with me - but the interesting thing that he said was - the best support a patient gets in the hospital is from other patients not from the med. personnel." I did agree.

There was one nurse that I liked, but i was so surprised that when I was hospitalized once for being suicidal (all other stays were in my high stage) - she said to me "I like you so much better when you are low". Teresa, I was so low - I cannot tell you, I cannot even begin to describe it. It was the lowest of my lows. And she did hurt me with it more than anybody before that - when I am high I can take an insult, when I am low - I can barely take anything.

It was so bad - that one day in the hospital - I was pleading them to let me out and I gave my promise not to commit a suicide. "Just let me out, I feel better at home". It was true, with my parents I felt better. Then I started seeing the doctor - the one I liked and I saw him for three years. Yes, I could have done more, but I guess it was my learning curve.

If any of my words offended you, please remember that was never my intention - I don't bundle medical profession into categories - everybody is good, everybody is bad... Both my parents are medical doctors and I was meeting more doctors in my life than other people - my parents friends (doctors), friends of their friends (doctors), doctors that I had to see that were better doctors than others and, of course, all those stories, and criticism that was so readily showered on workers in medical fields - anything that goes wrong (truly or in the perception of a patient only), it would be always a doctor's fault. My parents always explained how difficult and sometimes impossible it was to help when a patient would not cooperate.

Anyway - one thing is clear - I don't want to be in a hospital ever again - not for my highs, not for my lows. I bought a cup (mug) with the name of my hospital "Scarborough Hospital" - it is cobalt blue - and I like it as a REMINDER - never get there. But the colour is also my favourite.

I gotta run - (sorry I won't proofread it, maybe there are some omissions in the text, but you get my ideas)

The music? Yes, I like things that cheer me up - of all people I need it the most and I find those songs reflect my true nature - the lows are only the face of the illness - the happy and upbeat me is my core. Maybe it is the only thing that keeps me alive - my heart that still believes that I will make one day to the other!

And, yes, you and my other online friends help a LOT. The other day, one of my online friends surprised me with a phone call - there was something I would never expect to receive - but it all makes a difference.

Maybe this one will brighten your day as well

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi4oqkrzgPo

The translation is awkward, but it starts with

Party, party, party...

Party if you wake up one morning

and the right man is near you

Anyway, a good party is always a good thing!


James-wolve profile image

James-wolve 4 years ago from Morocco

Wow,that s awful what the nurse told you.I read what you said to Teresa.Nurses have to be nice and patient.If a person cannot care about the people they are serving, they will not excel as a nurse. Nurses deal with the sick and injured and their families on a daily basis, and they need to be able to show them that they truly care about their situation.SHE IS REALLY BAD NURSE.


James-wolve profile image

James-wolve 4 years ago from Morocco

Hey never think of commiting suicide.Think of us.We all love you.Whenever you feel like doing it,immediately kneel down to the floor,let your forehead touch the floor and control your breathing by timing it, taking maybe twenty breaths a minute and think of who would be hurt or abandoned if you died? Not the ones you're angry at, like the parents who rejected you, but the friends who'd grieve and the people who depend on you, your kids if you're a parent. The ones you would not want to hurt. Who would take care of your dog or your cat? What would happen to the animal? Look at all of your ties.

Sometimes,just looking at the things you wanted to do before you die could help to kick that feeling away. I read somewhere that a man in a romantic crisis chose to live because he'd miss a show that aired several days later, and felt better by the time it aired - also found it was better than he expected and shared it with the lover that returned. No matter what it is, no matter what other people think of it, your unsatisfied desires are important right now as things to think of and move toward.

xoxoxoxoxoxox


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Dear Svetlana Dolores,

Please believe that nothing you said in your comment offended me.

You are my friend, first and foremost, and I love you.

I am sad to think that anyone would think that nurses need to be insensitive to work with a "certain type" of patient.

I have been a nurse for 30 years, many of them as a hospital nurse, many of them as a manager of hospital nurses and now as a teacher of nurses. Healthcare in general can be stressful because of so many reasons that are NOT THE FAULT OF THE PATIENT...they may include short staffing, insufficient funding, insurance dilemmas, educational requirements for nurses who have been out of school for 5-30 years, increasing demands for technology, computerized charting, meeting accrediting standards.

This may be a bad example but I think of a parent or a pet owner...who has so many outside stressors and becomes very "insensitive" when their child or doggie "has the nerve" to ask for dinner. This might be the ignition for a most insensitive remark.

Back to nurses...NO MATTER WHAT, we have to acknowledge a few things:

1- We MUST take care of ourselves. We MUST admit when we are sick, when we need time off, when the stress is too much and employees need to honor this. Nurses are human. Some excellent stressed out nurses can say the shittiest things... If I ever observed it or received a complaint, I made sure the patient received an apology, usually by me on behalf of the hospital and asked the nurse to take a few days to compose herself. Sometimes nurses come back way too quick after a family death and they are short fused, tearful...in short, nurses are human.

2- Nevertheless, the PATIENT needs us. The patient deserves the best. The patient at least deserves honesty..."I wish I had more time to talk and I will come back when I do"... And keep the promise. Or for the nurse to have said..." Svetlana, I don't understand how you are feeling. I hate to see you so low as I care for you. What do you need from me? How can I best help you?" I try to encourage these scenarios in class when nurses discuss clinical scenarios to increase sensitivity and awareness.

As an aside, when I was hospitalized for a month in 1999, I learned perspective from other patients. I learned not to feel sorry for myself as someone was always much worse off. It should never ever be an expectation that other patients take on a helping role like staff. I had to curb my own tendency to do this in Physical Therapy when I saw a therapist doing poor body mechanics... Although I did speak up

privately as I was concerned they would injure themselves or heaven forbid, a patient.

And, yes, once in a very blue moon, I have told a subordinate, now students...that I felt Nursing was not their calling. There is a small

percentage of every profession that is just not cut out for the work. With nursing, you must love people and you must have a big heart. Other stuff can all be learned.

OMG, do forgive me...yet, in the end, I love your philosophy that you never want to be hospitalized again. That is the key. You have a life to live and a wonderful son. Then there's Martie, James and me...

Hugs galore, Teresa


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Hi, Tijani:

I am sorry it takes me a while to get to respond to my comments, but the whole depression stage is a stage of no energy and sluggish thoughts.

I don’t want anyone to think that that nurse was a really bad nurse or a really bad person. I don’t believe in extremes. And I know she was not bad. I only described that instance because I wanted to demonstrate how hard it is to feel for another person. We think we know how the other person feels but in reality we don’t.

There is one essential lesson I learned that day – do not expect help from others. The only reason I even agreed to be admitted was because my family was afraid I would do something to myself. My mother said to me: “We cannot watch you 24/7” and besides how long would it take me to go the balcony and jump off?

So, I agreed only to realize that being in hospital adds to my depression. I could “handle” being at home, not that I was threatining to take any action, but I certainly could not “handle” being in the hospital.

In the end, what kept me alive? Two things – I am a procrastinator, I am thinker and everything I am not “ready” to do now, goes into the “Later pile” – “later means never”. Of course, by reaching a later date the resolve is never there.

And it was something that my doctor told me – it was at the end of that terrible tumultous year 2008 – when my husband finally left me – I asked my doctor “How can you possibly stop me from doing the deed? I know how to succed. Committing a suicide is not talking about it, that is a straight route to a hospital, but doing it quietly”. He said “Of course, I cannot stop you, but I would be terribly upset”. Really, I could not believe that he cared all that much and it would never be a sufficient reason for me.

But then he said “Think about your son. He will NEVER get over it. He will blame HIMSELF. It does not matter how terrible a mother you think you are, but it is better to have a terrible mother than no mother at all”. And then he told me a story of a family where the father committed a suicide and left his wife and a son (a nine year old boy?)

That was the turning point for me. People tend to tell me that I think too much. But in this case it was a life-saver. My reasoning was something that kept me going. More impulsive people – the doers – would do things without thinking them through. As we can see, certain things are better to be put off. Indefinitely.

Now every time, the suicidal stage comes, I know, it is only a stage, no matter how painfull – the mantra is the same “This, too, shall pass”.

It was my dancing, my writing, my online friends – something or someone will keep me anchored on this earth. It is still a very lonely journey, yet I know I must make it.

I think – not thinking about suicide is not really an option. It is more of a symptom of how bad the depression gets. Think of it like this – when food spoils, first might come the smell only, and animals normally sniff it. There is no avoiding this simptom or that symptom. However, not eating the rotten food is a choice.

Last time I was thinking about writing on the topic, I checked the statistics and it is frightening – suicide takes the number 5 on the lists of what causes death. There are natural causes and there is this – something preventable if people were less ashamed of admitting it and seeking treatment.

Anyway, I am sorry, I went on such a long stretch. Sometimes all is needed is a friend who will take it to watch a sunset anywhere in the world.

Greetings from Canada!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Teresa:

It is so interesting what you have said. I would have never thought that is was even possible to see such a nurse. Just because according to your philosophy and rules, you would have disqualified all the nurses I came across.

They don’t really talk with a patient, I don’t even think it is in their job description or care as much. There is fear and the fear is justified because some patients can be aggressive and dangerous. But that fear takes them further and they start being overly cautious. They restrained me once and believe me I was not aggressive, but after that I lost all respect for them. They were the Others, the Hostiles to me.

Anyway, that was quite an experience. I don’t think of them as bad people, they are probably all good in their own way, but seeing this sad place again?

And the nurse that said “I like you more when you are low”? I am sure she did not realize how disconnected we were. She was a nice woman, but to her me lying down on a bed translated into “this patient is no trouble, no threat”. They did not even let me stay in bed, they asked me to get up and… What can I do when I am locked up? I could not read, I could not watch TV with someone else having the control over it, I could not keep myself in a sitting or standing position. The only way out was taking antidepressants, but they only kick in six weeks later (hopefully!) These six weeks was pure torture. And I felt a burden to my family. The worst thing about being suicidal is that you believe that it is truly the best solution for everyone. The brain rationalizes that it is the best and the only solution.

The reason why I don’t judge anyone anymore is precisely that I did not understand it myself until I had the luck to go through it. It is not something you can understand. It is something you have to experience. How come that a person who could get a master’s in engineering cannot put two decent thoughts together?

I would never understand it. It’s like giving birth. You cannot explain it to a man. It is not something he can experience.

And the example with a parent? I agree. I don’t understand a child – I forgot how it feels to be this age or that age – they don’t perceive things the way adults do and I keep forgetting that. I am not the best parent in the world and I know it. And this bloody condition makes it even harder. Sometimes I have no patience or no energy to be with my son, but the time goes by and sometimes I worry a lot what will be when he grows up. I don’t think he is learning things that he should learn. Divorce and a disabled mother is not exactly the best conditions for a child.

Well, the time goes by.

One way or the other, you are quite right, I have to survive. I have to be patient.

Love,

Svetlana


haikutwinkle profile image

haikutwinkle 4 years ago

Hi Svetlana, I hope this comment finds you well and in good spirits ;)

About the topic on 'Patience', it's not easy to be patient when one wants everything to be fastforward or for days to become nights quickly. There are times when my patience wears out... due to students' continuous laziness, lack of intention to learn etc. During those times, I would have to find ways to convince myself to be patient to them (even though I felt like it's their responsibility to study).

Sometimes I find ways to increase my level of patience by understanding my students' background, limitations and how far they could go ...etc. Sometimes I remind myself why I love teaching or interacting with my students. I think it's more about understanding yourself, being patient with your ability to be patient, rather than being patient with others.

And I definitely agree that 'live interaction' with someone living closer to you will absolutely help. Someone who could comprehend your thoughts or thinking process.

------------------------------------------------------------

Sending you a native American prayer ;)

"Earth Teach Me"

Earth teach me stillness as the

grasses are stilled with light.

Earth teach me suffering as

old stones suffer with memory.

Earth teach me humility as

blossoms are humble with beginning.

Earth Teach me caring as the

mother who secures her young.

Earth teach me courage as the

tree which stands alone.

Earth teach me limitation as the

ant which crawls on the ground.

Earth teach me freedom as the

eagle which soars in the sky.

Earth teach me resignation as the

leaves which die in the fall.

Earth teach me regeneration as the

seed which rises in the spring.

Earth teach me to forget myself as

melted snow forgets its life.

Earth teach me to remember kindness

as dry fields weep in the rain.

( A Native American prayer from the

Ute, North American )


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Haikutwinkle! It is a very beautiful poem with the divine message.

What I think about teachers - I think the ability to be a good teacher is a gift. Even though I like people in general, I can hardly imagine waiting for them to come up to my level. I love interaction on my level and sharing the journey up.

Maybe it was the reason that I ruled out being a teacher when I was fifteen. On the other hand, I like sharing my knowledge when people are receptive.

I feel a little better, the energy has not come back yet. But I have to stay up and when it will use it to do things that remain undone. Really, this bipolar journey is exhausting.

Thank you for your support!


James-wolve profile image

James-wolve 4 years ago from Morocco

It s a good way to trick the mind when it tell us to end up the pain in that dramatical way.I feel between the lines that you are strong and you wouldn t commit that stupid thing.I am glad to hear that and you know that life has its ups and downs and the sun shines on the evil and the good. Pain is an inevitable part of life. Never think that you've been singled out for pain. We all seem to pain but we shouldn t let it breaking us and making us like shadows . if a loved one dies, only a very cold person would be unaffected by it. If you love someone and that person dumps you, it's natural to feel hurt. These things are normal. Trying to cure what is normal is pointless. Expect to feel pain for a while - it's normal.

how you face the pain indicates you are courageous and persistent.It s good to adress your pain but never get beyond it. Don't try to rush through this season of pain. Even though all you can really think about is ending the pain, the truth is that just allowing yourself the feelings is important. Masking your pain when you're trying to work or just get through each day may be necessary to a point, but make sure to allow yourself some "me-time" - some time to allow yourself to really feel all of the feelings you are having, rather than just suppressing and denying them.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Tijani. In my case, the ups and downs are for life. Certain events can trigger the higher ups and the lowest lows, but the trend will stay the same.

Moods will change and every depression will be more or less painful. The knowledge that it will change helps, but I have not figured out the way how to work with it.

That is the most frustrating part. The rest? Yes, sometimes, just staying alive can be considered an accomplishment.

Take care,

Svetlana

Toronto, Canada


James-wolve profile image

James-wolve 4 years ago from Morocco

I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…

Things I do that help me get through a day and it might help you somehow:

* Talk to my friends and family. Luckily I have gotten to a point where I don't bore them with the details of my heartache. Listening to them and hearing about their life is nice.

* Write. I have always kept and journal and I write down my thoughts, whatever they may be. Getting them down on paper helps me move past them a little.

* Travel. Get out of town for the weekend if you can.

* Take a fun class. I am taking a dance class and love it – it's fun, I interact with others and everyone is there to have a good time.

* Read, watch TV, movies.

* Spend time with friends.

* Let yourself be sad. That's okay and perfectly natural. There's nothing wrong with moping around the house, watching tv all day and eating ice cream for dinner every so often!

Nothing you haven't already heard I am sure, but it helps to see them listed out and know that you have options!

My favorite inspiring quotes:

promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!

-christian d. larson

believe in yourself and all that you are. know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.

- christian d. larson

life does not put things in front of you that you are unable to handle.

-unknown

everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end.

-unknown

if you're going through hell, keep going...

-churchill

now is the time to live your ideal life.

-cousineau

you are unrepeatable. there is a magic about you that is all your own...

- d.m. dellinger

in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.

-einstein

whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should...

-ehrmann


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Tijani, for your comment. I apologize it took me so long to get back, but it is the nature of "patience" or rather illness. The last few weeks were not easy for me or shall I say "the last few years".

I think I do have patience among other things, yet things remain unresolved still. Maybe it is only a matter of time.

Maybe you are right about everything - the universe is unfolding and I am waiting and observing....

Nothing else to do.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

I have not used internet for a while, and I just came across this video about a frog -

I think sometimes I feel just like this frog - trying to adjust slowly not realizing the danger... I certainly feel like this frog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APxGubAkOz0


kylesanderson 4 years ago

This poem is an Epic. Voted awesome, up, and following.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

Shocking video of a poor frog boiled alive.... But perfect metaphor for humans' ability to adapt to their circumstances.

Thinking of you, Kallini! Hope you are fine! Or at least okay....


Vincent Moore 4 years ago

How did I miss this brilliant write. Regardless of how painful it was to read, I needed to feel. It basically sums up how I've felt for the last 14 years after having lost not only my marriage but 3 of my 4 children due to an ugly War of the Roses divorce from their mother.

She assured me by divorcing her I would be divorcing my children and she lived up to her claim and threat. I've paid for it ever since and my heart and soul were crushed. I feel your pain, I pray that you have recovered some from your traumatic experiences. Peace and blessings I send you this day.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, kylesanderson. I appreciate your feedback.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Martie - yes, I thought about it, too - when the change or the contrast is great, it is easier for us to feel or declare something as unacceptable. But we might learn to adapt to the unacceptable in slow increments of pain. It does not necessarily makes unacceptable acceptable or intolerable tolerable. It is just we don't notice as readily our own demise.

I don't feel too well, but I stopped taking medication. I can't tell you how sick I am of all those dependencies - on medication, drugs, side effects and doctors. I am probably going to go down for now, but I hope to weather the storm and let my body handle the mood swings on its own - they should not be as severe as they are with medication. I came to the conclusion that a permanent down is easier to handle than the unpredictability of it all and I am sick and tired of being crazy and not myself. I want my old self back.

I guess it will be a ride, yet, there is no other way to stop than to abstain. One word - withdrawal. Yet, I remain hopeful. And sort of, froggy. Or froggyish?


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Vincent, for your comment. I don't think it is such a brilliant read (or piece), call it what you want, but the main essence is that it is hard for us to open up completely even to ourselves. I keep lying to myself with the skill worth much better use and application.

I am so sorry to hear about your divorce and all that pain that it caused you. Especially when children are concerned. My son, even though only nine keeps being my almost sole support in my divorce story. His father does not seem to understand him and even though we are not fighting (with my ex) any more, yet the War of Roses is going on about how to bring up Daniel. I am wrong no matter what - translation - ALWAYS. He denies feelings of our son as rubbish and I guess emotional responses that are ignored will manifest in somewhat ugly form somewhere else. Such as "I hate my father!" or "I hate you!", "I want to break him!"

Today my son was trying to figure out what was the worst thing my ex did to me - there is no such thing on record (or in my head), but to Daniel it was important to know.

Sorry, I am not writing with the clear head - hoping that one day it would clearer than it is now. Somehow publishing this piece helped me in a weird way. I don't want to walk emotionally naked anymore and I am scaling back to my old reserved depressed self I once was most of the time. Versus being somewhat happy on drugs only to fall down later face down in some ugly mud or even worse.

Just occurred to me

Di-vorce

Di-verse

Di-worse.

Never a pretty story.


Sammy 4 years ago

My mom and dad and my brothers and sisters all 10 of them died by the 2004 Tsunami when i was 11 years old


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

MY DEAR.. Your pain is so evident. My heart breaks for you. I have my days,, some are worse than others.. they have come out in my poems.. you can tell when I am going through something very emotional.. Your writing is very unique and it has touched me in such a way that it does break my heart.

God Bless you my dear

sharing

Debbie


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Debbie. I wrote it almost two years ago thinking that it should never be published. But after I have published it, I felt the need to find a way not to feel so "emotionally naked". Funny enough, the sheer fact of publishing pushed me into a new direction. I want to be more in control of my emotional states, which is normal.

I guess the process of learning is never-ending and one way of dealing with it is making a record. I don't know myself well enough, but I keep writing, thinking, sharing and living. Surprisingly enough.

Thanks again for visiting,

Take care and all the best,

Svetlana


actionbronson profile image

actionbronson 3 years ago

Great hub! Very well written and thought-provoking!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 3 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, actionbronson!

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