Twilight Lawns plc - the Original Building

Dear Friends, Hubbers and Prospective Residents,

To appreciate the forthcoming Story ‘Josie goes to Twilight Lawns’ you would need to understand a few details. Twilight Lawns is a Residential Home for Distressed Gentlefolk, situated very near the lovely little village of Norbury-sur-Mer.

This charming Olde Worlde village is located in the lovely county of Surrey, in the United Kingdom.

Perhaps you have visited Twilight Lawns in the Winter when a hub appeared entitled ‘Coping with the Snow’. Some of the characters in that mini saga are also represented in 'Whatever happened to Lettice Rogers-Allbody?'. Let me hasten to add that neither this, nor the previous tale, is a work of fiction, but a true and verified history of events that have taken place at the Home.

Just a Few of the Basic Rules

A few details, in case you are considering whacking your aged relative into the Home for us to take care of her or him. Or indeed, if you yourselves are aware that Time is not on your side and that you will all be as feeble, needy and pathetic as some of our present Residents, much sooner than you anticipate.

We have certain criteria, and we must insist that prospective Residents meet with all of our requirements.

  • We definitely prefer our Residents to be of a decent class,
  • We like our Residents to be rich, if possible, and by that, we mean, “Old Money” but if they are nouveau riche (but VERY riche) we will make concessions.
  • Manners are essential, and there will be no use of words such as toilet, serviette, perfume, pardon or settee for example. We insist that Residents use the correct words…lavatory, napkin, scent, what, sofa.
  • It must be clear already that this is an establishment which has standards, and that the old standards of taste, good class, family and breeding are paramount.

Our Rules are based on Good Taste and Common Sense

Some of our Residents have been with us for so long that we can’t even remember where they came from or who they are. But they are treated fairly and so long as they abide by the few simple rules, they will be happy here. And as most of them can’t remember who they are or where they come from either, it balances out quite well.

Most of the rules are self evidently beneficial to the community at large, so there are seldom times when a Resident needs to be punished.

For example, one of Old Dears forgot to wear a hat recently and she was only barred from one meal, so she soon learned not to make that mistake again. It should have been obvious; even to the simplest soul, that it was just not right to go to the bathroom without wearing a hat. It’s all a matter of standards.

A Gentle Warning, to be Ignored at Your Peril

If you are in the area, and would like to visit the Home to discover what sort of amenities on offer, please don’t just barge in and think you are going to be treated with any civility. We insist that prospective Residents and their Families contact us by letter or by telephone, first.

One of the reasons, apart from good manners on your behalf, is that some of the Residents are allowed to walk around the grounds at times, unattended, and several uninvited “trespassers” have been severely mauled by some of the Old Dears who think that they are being invaded,

One of our Residents, Mrs Orme-Wilde has a very nasty bite and she has been known to inflict some very severe wounds if crossed.

Twilight Lawns plc Retirement Home for Persons of Decent Class

However, if you are permitted to come, and if your credentials are up to scratch, it would still be unwise to just come to the main gate, in case, for example, Eulalia Hawkins (Mrs) is out and about, She doesn’t take prisoners (as they say).,

The house stands in pleasant grounds, and anyone driving by (one assumes that you would be driven, by a chauffeur, if possible), will immediately recognise the large iron gates and driveway, as in the picture.

Do not be confused about our large signpost that some local wags has painted over and re-written the legend:


Your most obedient servant,

Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh (Matron)

Dear Friends, Hubbers and Prospective Residents

Now that you have read the introduction to Twilight Lawns plc, perhaps you will be ready to delve into a saga that is as distressing as it is uplifting.

It is a tale of intrigue and of hope. A tale of an intelligent woman who pursues an ideal. A tale of a pure soul, drawn to a glittering and sometimes elusive dream..

Then again; perhaps it’s not.

But sadly enough for those of you have a thirst for literature of the highest order, I have removed the tale mentioned from HubPages, to "publish it on Amazon.

The URL for this splendid piece of writing is:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Whatever-Happened-Lettice-rogers-Allbody-Twilight-ebook/dp/B00JHRIAG8 for those fortunate to be living in the UK


http://www.amazon.com/Whatever-Happened-Lettice-rogers-Allbody-Twilight-ebook/dp/B00JHRIAG8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1400599917&sr=8-1&keywords=whatever+happened+to+lettice+rogers+allbody for those of you living across The Pond.

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Comments 36 comments

Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 5 years ago from Euroland

As long as tea is served at 4pm sharp, and in proper crockery (no plastic cups) I'm prepared to book a place. I wonder if there is a formal interview for new residents or if you can tell at a glance that they are the right sort.

Your web site, which is a terrific piece of work, gives a lot of useful detail.

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Hi, Mark. Why haven't we been treated to Ewbieisms and wit (same thing) and and and

Of course, they at Twilight Lawns, will recognise class at a glance.

You're in, Sir.

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Sunnie Day 5 years ago

Good Morning,

While I don't come from old money and I really don't fit in but all the same I would like to visit and by appointment only. I will bring tasty treats for Eulalia Hawkins and maybe that will soften her heart towards me. I am sure I will avoid Mrs. Orme-Wilde! I have not had any shots for many years...Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh and I have become acquaintances and have even sent correspondence from time to time so that should have some bearing on my visit..Or at least I am hopeful. I am so happy to read this wonderful hub about Twilight Lawns and look forward to more soon... :)Hugs to Ian too.


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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Thank you, Sunnie. I have had a word with Matron, and she said that you popped in a few months ago for tea. She said you were a rather nice person, and knew you manners. Apparently you did all the right things during tea, and showed that you had been brought up properly. She thought that if you came again, she could schedule you for a couple of interesting talks concerning your life in Germany when you were a girl,

Raj sends his regards, and said that he was flattered when you showed an interest in his Black Orpington hens. He was interested to know if your acquisition of you Peeps stems from your seeing his poultry.

Eulalia Hawkins (Mrs) really likes salt fish and ackee, and a good plantain always goes down well.

kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

And today, Ladies and Gentlemen,

(those who remember who they are and where they came from):

We have a very special guest - a Russian Revolutionary masking as a Canadian. Don't be fooled, she is no such thing. Her English? It's faked.

She is

1) property-less

2) powerless

3) prestige-less

as was clearly demonstrated in her latest article written twelve years ago. She has no class.

You have to excuse her for not following rules or trying to follow something she doesn't understand.

You will hardly be able to understand her as she uses words from all the languages she has misfortune to come across. She is "hautistique", whatever that is. I guess it is a condition. I hope it is not contagious.

Beware of her when she is heading to use "toilets", she says that in Canada they call it "washrooms" as if anybody believes her. She mumbles something about that one of the residents (Bollocks!) wrote something about: "well, you know, oh, well, you know, a well and a toilet and something Italian, oh, well, you know, well..."

"Why did we invite her? I have a suspicion that we didn't, but since she came with a tank division and a red flag threatening to put the place ablaze, we thought maybe we should listen to her first.

Dear old dears, do you have any questions?"

"Can I have a ride in that tank?"

Becky 5 years ago

I was hoping to be able to visit but since I have absolutely no idea of the proper etiquette for tea, I will have to read up on it first. They don't do tea in the States.

My family does descend from Dukes, Duchesses, Kings, Queens, and some colonials called Pilgrims but that was centuries ago. Hopefully, the farmers and soldiers in between haven't besmirched the line.

Beautiful story, as usual. I am so happy to see something new from you. I will be reading and waiting anxiously for the next installment.

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Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

I guess that just being a native Texan would exclude me from the acceptable list. Add in my iconoclasm and I'm a sure bet for exclusion. My manners are quite good - but mostly due to being "from the heart" of a considerate soul with a bit of training along the way. Surely not "up to snuff" at TL. Oh well. I will just have to seek other sites in the UK when I pop over. What I lack in snobby manners, I make up for in resourcefulness and a practical eye for superb quality and worth-while objectives. :-)

I do love this hub, Ian! Fun and well done. I'm tickled that you've broken the silence with another outstanding work. Those "dears" sound like characters out of a Hitchcock movie, though. Vicious and scary! tee hee. Gives me new verve and determination to stay self sufficient on into my 100s!! So far, so good!

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Long live the Revolution, if that is the humour that it spawns, Svetlana. When I die, if nobody else wants it. I will leave you my portrait of Lenin that I "liberated" from the Ukrains about ten years ago.

It has provenance, and I really like it, but I have not even had it framed yet. It left Kharkov in a real painting carrier, rolled nicely... What I didn't realise, when I was bring ing it out the country, was that there is a law against carrying Works of Art out of the country.

Anyway, thank you for making me laugh.

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

This is just a creation of the mise en scene, Becky. The rest rambles on and on, but thank God, you like reading stuff that does that, and I hope I will not disappoint you. I might be "publishing" the first (of many) chapter(s) tonight.

What do you mean, the US doesn't do tea?

What about the Boston Tea Party. It went down well, I believe.

Watch out for Dukes and Duchesses, Kings and Queens, Pilgrims... they're all a dodgy lot.

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Thanks so much for the visit, Nellie. I am sure your manners would be impeccable. Mrs P-F represents all that I really dislike: Privilege, snobbery, selfishness, but I love writing about her and about Twilight Lawns (Sounds incongruous, doesn't it?).

Maude is one of my favourites, and if you have the stamina, I would love you to plough through the several chapters of the little take that is about to unfold in Norbury-sur-Mer over the next couple of weeks.

Glad you're back. Did your guests have a nice time, and what is more, Did You?

kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

If "Works of Art" are not to leave the country, how did YOU escape?

I think you are a Work of Art, even worse, you are a Producer of Art.

They should have kept you. Framed? or au naturelle? Roaming free?

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

I'm laughing and blushing all at the same time, my friend.

Thank you for both.

attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Dear proprietor, i would love to book my dad into your establishment. He is a master of pees and patient concerning Qs. Mrs Orme-Wilde sounds ideal as he loves a challenge, like getting to the toilet on time. I hope you can fit me, sorry him in, asap. So could i please book a place for Gerry Atric. Thank you. Hopeful of Melbourne. PS

Very funny Ian and voted up. Cheers.

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

You're most welcome, Mr Atric,

I think we could fit you into the Lord Kitchener Wing. One would hope to interview you and some members of your family very soon. One hopes that you bank with a decent off shore bank. Any dietary needs will ignored. of course. Makes the old buggers more resilient, don't you know.

Glad you liked it, Keith. There are eight chapters following!

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attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

I hope my dad's workin' class background won't be a problem, his teachers failed him but he became a self made failure all by hymnself. He has been taking electricution lessons which should spark up his oralisin'.

He'll be happy lordin' it in the Kitchener wing, he's more of a lounger really, but peasants can't be choosers. Cheese on toast thrice daily will suffice as he's used to three square meals a day. Our family deal in new money, but I would suggest that you hang it on the line first in case you smudge it.

I'll look forward to reading the next chapter, hopefully with our Stan in it.


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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

How completely insane. Never change, Keith, You crease me up.

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Aw, shucks. Thank you, Ian. No, you're not incongruous as a case in point. I definitely will follow the chapters to come! Interesting stuff and written with your marvelously intimate tongue-in-cheek flair toward it. I can't wait!

Thanks for asking about my visitor. He was very focused on the intense seminar he was here to attend, culminating in a 6-hour quiz with only a high minimum score being acceptable to qualify him for the next level at work. It covered very technical stuff about various phases of the work his company performs and his high-paid position within it, already earning him a mere $220,000 annual income but this next level for which he was studying would qualify him for a $250,000 one. (my head spinning. . . !) He felt pretty assured about how he did but won't know his score for several weeks.

He lives in Houston but owns a bit of ranch land next to mine, where George & I met him years back. Since then, over the years. he's been so kind to look in on my place and let me know how it's doing when I'm away so much. We enjoyed the visiting time we got this time, but his focus was mostly on his seminar and material to be mastered each day.

My other possible guests ran into a conflict with their schedule, timing wise. They're from North Carolina and time they might have come was when Ryan was my guest here. So I'm on my own again.

Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

Very interesting and I now look forward to reading amny more by you.

Take care


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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Only interesting, Eiddwen?

This is leading towards a very deep and important Social Document which could have far flung consequences for our attitude to, and care of, the elderly.

Then again, it might not.

Thanks for dropping in!

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Nellie, my friend, I have only one thing to say:


He MUST go for the $250,000. I hope he gets it.

How can the poor chap manage on only $220,000?

He must have to cut so many corners to survive on such a pittance.

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Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

wow that is crazy, to think a lot of old folk homes are just like this. or worse. poor old people lol or in your case poor employees haha that MRS. and the biter are ones to stay away from, must be funny though lol being chased around by an old lady haha.

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Thanks for coming and seeing the humour, Nikki. It's true that homes like this do exist, but to poke fun at them might open a few eyes.

Please give, 'Josie goes to Twilight Lawns' a go. It might entertain you.

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attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Are you made of paper?

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Ha ha ha ha ha! (To you, Keith)

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writeronline 5 years ago

I recently visited your Internet advertisement in order to gain a better understanding of the particular ambience with which you imbue the facilities at Twilight Lawns, and the qualities I might reasonably expect to find in those responsible for the daily administration of your establishment.

I must say I was impressed. With the sweeping grounds, and the grandeur of the Home itself, but most particularly with the expressed attitudes and disciplines of the Matron, Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh.

Whilst my family and I have yet to decide whether or not I shall complete your reassuringly comprehensive pre-selection questionnaire, and (the result being a foregone conclusion) make a formal application for residence, I am moved to write to let you know how delighted I was, when I came across the Twilight Lawns motto:

“Un Intestin Heureux dans une Personne Heureuse” (A Happy Bowel in a Happy person)

This resonated powerfully with me, because it is so similar to the motto which has been our family’s for generations, and which I can see would be in no way compromised by my taking up residence in these, my latter years, at your fine establishment. Assess for yourself, the serendipity...

“Où que Vous êtes, permettez à Votre Vent pour Souffler Librement” (Where’er You be, let Your Wind Blow Free)

At my age, there are few things left in life to equal the delights of a fireside Madeira or two after a hearty meal of roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, and Brussels sprouts, accompanied by good conversation and rollicking flatulence, and, after a good night’s sleep, a brisk early walk and a satisfying bowel movement to start the day.

I shall be in touch, and in the meantime remain,

Yours sincerely

Percival Plumley-Willington Esq

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Dear Mr Plumley-Willington, I believe that you fulfil all the requirements stated in out friendly little prospectus.

Enough to say that you are Old Money, I should imagine.

And the name is familiar. Would you be one of the Glossop Plumley-Willingtons, by any chance?

Our dear the Hon. Clarissa Oulde-ffarte, the daughter of Lord Scratchit asked to be remembered to you if so you be, and said that she can well remember your Dear Mama's Coming Out Ball when Viscount Scutteridge spilt his breeches whilst performing the Gay Gordons.

And then we all went out and gave the kichen staff a thrashing and threw the Bloody Socialists and Liberals into the Pond.

Ah! Happy days.

Becky 5 years ago

I am now rolling on the floor. You two are too much.

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Get up off the floor at once, Becky. If the Reverend Halitosis sees you there he'll have a fit.

He has never seen a woman in a supine position in his life and it's too late for him to start now.

You're making an exhibition of yourself, woman. Where do you think you are? In one of the colonies, Australia or America or somewhere?

Desist at once.

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writeronline 5 years ago

I can see immediately what pleasures I have to look forward to, once the formalites have been attended to, and I take up residence at Twilight Lawns.

You have indeed accurately spotted my lineage, and of course I remember dear Clarissa, our families enjoyed many shared occasions, and if memory serves, the same motto! Certainly I recall the same shared joy of unbridled farting, when the two of us were alone, though of course I know Clarissa would be mortified were she to know that I had revealed such to you; please do not mention it, but instead give her my very best. Once I am installed and have a room of my own at Twilight Lawns, I look forward to giving her my best myself, and quite frequently. We go back such a long way.

Do you know, I am struggling to believe the continuing serendipity of our interchange, blow me, I truly am. I refer to your correspondent “Becky’, whose name, and admission to ‘rolling around the floor’, (which I am pleased to see has drawn an appropriate rebuke from your good self) brought to mind Clarissa’s beautiful and vivacious, but now sadly long-departed sister Rebecca, whose similar recklessness, although not on the floor as such, led to a brief dalliance with my cousin, Peter Paul Plumley-Willington Esq, at the very party to which Clarissa has drawn your attention!

I remember the circumstances clearly, age having not yet diminished all recollection. It was a lovely Spring evening when Mother held her Coming Out Ball, and after dinner (roast beef and Yorkshire Pudding, I’m sure, always a favourite), Clarissa and I were amongst a number of people on the balcony overlooking the darkened lawn, which shone with dew in the soft light of fluttering candle flames, enjoying a glass of Chateauneuf, don’t recall the year... no matter, when we caught on the still air of the evening, the unmistakeable sounds of a man and a woman, for want of a better way to describe it, ‘going at it’. Clarissa began to giggle, and I, among many others, was straining my eyes in the dim, to see who was engaging in such risqué conduct, when suddenly the outside lights were switched on, flooding the lawn with what seemed like the illumination of a thousand suns, and of course, exposing the naked revellers in ‘flagrante delicto’.

I had time only to notice Rebecca on her back, with my cousin above her, his none too genteel buttocks rising and falling at a rapidly increasing pace, before the air was rent with the sound of Lady Scratchit’s voice, as she rushed onto the balcony and screamed at her daughter, “Good God girl, have you remembered none of what you learned at Miss Fortescue’s Finishing School for Young Ladies? Raise your hips, and keep the Gentleman’s testicles off the damp grass!”

Ah yes, such were the days of our youth...

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

Bril-bloody-liant! I loved it. I almost felt I was there. I just read your very lovely account to Dear James (Poor Lamb, his eyesight has gone somewhat, but his memory comes and goes) and he also remembers that evening. However, he remembers it somewhat differently.

According to Dear James, it wasn't Rebecca on her back, but one of the Worcestershire Breeding Sows. According to Dear James, the Plumley-Willingtons always took animal husbandry rather seriously.

Mind you, the similarity between Sweet Rebecca and a Worcestershire Breeding Sow had been remarked on at many a Hunt Ball.

We know our livestock hereabouts, I can assure you.

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writeronline 5 years ago

At my stage of life, one hesitates to disagree with the recollections of others, (least of all James, I know he means well); all of our memories now being at risk of dilution and confusion as part of the mental degradation inflicted by the tyranny of old age.

But I must say, as you can well imagine, I am sure, such a scene as I have described is not one easily erased from memory, in fact I am prepared to admit that there have been many occasions, in the years since, that I have had cause to bring the image forth again in my mind, from where it has functioned as a valuable visual aid. I shall say no more on the matter. Other than to affirm my certainty that Rebecca’s were indeed the creamy white thighs unto which my cousin cleaved so enthusiastically on that memorable evening, when Mother came out publicly.

What your letter has stirred in me though, is a clearer recollection of events immediately following the unfortunate ‘coitus interruptus’. Rebecca did instantly follow her mother’s direction, but my cousin was unable to prevent the equally instant deflation of not only his ego, at being so exposed, but also that part of the anatomy which requires the maintenance of a state of inflation, or at least a modicum of tumescence, in order to function in a mutually satisfactory manner. So, no vinegar stroke on that particular occasion.

Fortunately, someone extinguished the lights, which at least enabled both Rebecca and Peter Paul to reclothe themselves in relative privacy, and as they sheepishly (please do not allow James to become confused at this term) emerged from the dim to rejoin the festivities, Lord Scratchit patted his daughter on the behind, winked, and called for the stewards to break open a fresh round of de Rothschild for all; thus joyful conviviality was restored

The only difficult part of the evening (and this may be the cause of James’ confusion), was to come an hour or so later, when Mother, several sheets to the wind, and in a beyond-tipsy state of ‘decorum absentia’ was heard to accost Rebecca with a stinging accusation whose true significance I have had no cause to ponder, prior to your advising me of James’ comment re animal husbandry. I was after all, but a callow youth myself at the time.

I can hear Mother’s voice now, fighting back the tremor of deep emotion, attested to further by the tears on her flushed cheeks, as she said to Rebecca “ After all that we have shared together, the moments of affection, of intimacy, of passion, indeed the very voyage of discovery in which we have been entwined as you have grown from child to girl to woman, that has given me the courage to take the step from the closet out into the public gaze and stage this Coming Out Party...how could you allow me to see you engaged in sexual congress not only with a man, but so flagrantly, so wantonly, so disgustingly, disporting yourself on my own lawn? You are no better than a rutting pig!”

I do not recall Mother continuing on to identify the particular breed; perhaps there too, James has erred in his recollection.

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

WOL. what a brilliantly funny and very capable piece of writing. I am impressed, and am honoured to have this written on my hub. The Ewbie and Sunnie are owed my gratitude for making me aware of your existence,

This writing, Sir, would fit very nicely within the pages of a Twilight Lawnsy hub, or indeed that grandiose collection of Elizabethan and Late Georgian buildings, deranged old farts, recalcitrant staff, part time catamites and wayward clergy itself.

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writeronline 5 years ago

TL, I'm flattered at your rating of the writing. I've been enjoying our interchange, I like to try my hand at different styles, and it's been fun getting into the Twilight Lawns groove. I don't of course know anyone remotely like any of the characters, (not too many down here in the almost farthest flung vestiges of Empire), but your very descriptive and entertaining writing provides a clear picture of characterisation, style and tone to follow.

Apropos your comment, it occurs to me, that if you so wished, you could take the complete interchange out of these comments, and, with the barest alteration to your penultimate comment, it probably could stand alone as a Twilight Lawns Hub. Up to you entirely, of course, but I'd be more than happy to see it, perhaps with a credit for my contribution noted somewhere?

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

WOL, I agreed with what you said, and thought that you would come back to me on the matter... then I looked (just now) and I either forgot to Post my Comment (Doh!) or something else went wrong. I am getting some great input from Angie Jardine (Have a look at two new Notice Boards at TLplc), and I completely think it would work with our stuff.


Becky 5 years ago

Ok, I got up from the floor and then I fell out of the chair. I guess the de Rothschild was a little much while I was so convivially involved in your story.

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Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K. Author

He really is a great writer, Becky. He seems to have the British whimsy off pat.

Either that or he is already a Resident of Twilight Lawns plc.

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