What Does a Colonic Feel Like?
Inspector Dookie Says:
- The Loosey Goosey- Stay away from juice and soda for a few days. The sugar could be loosening your stool. You might be Lactose intolerant as well. Switch to Almond or soymilk as an experiment.
- The XXL - You got alotta fiber in you. Like a piece of rice being soaked all day, fiber expands with the perfect amount of water. Try eating some greens for a smaller sized deposit.
- Poo Bliss- passing this blessed BM might give you tingles and a little smile. This is the fault of the vagus nerve. The “high” is accompanied with a decrease in heart rate and blood pressure decreasing the flow to the brain causing you to have a mild case of lightheadedness and a tingling sensation in your body.
- The Cliff Hanger- this one often happens when you are at work or on a hot date and don’t have all day to wait for it to drop. The best thing to do is to rock back and forth and wiggle until the clinger breaks away freely. Try an enema or a colonic if this happens often as you may have a good amount of residue in your colon.
- The Fire Down Below- This fiery poo is caused by eating things that are just way to friggin’ hot. If it goes in hot, it will come out hotter. If your hiney can’t take the heat, stop putting hot sauce in the kitchen.
For those of you who have normal bowel movements there is still waste in the colon which is not completely discharged. This is why it is important to clean yourself out once in a while. Hippocrates, the Father of medicine was known to have flushed himself out with enemas at least 3 times a day. Beth Good of Modern Cleansing in Myrtle beach who offers colonics suggests a routine cleansing of about 4 times a year with the holiday seasons, since that is the time you often eat the most. I thought of the parallel between going to the dentist and going for a colonic. We hate the idea of going to both, but we know it’s good for us. If we are paying attention to the beginning of the digestive system, which is the teeth, then why the heck are we ignoring the end? Certainly there is “plaque” build up in both. Of course many people are not limited to going only four times a year. Lots of people go much more often than that according to their bodies and what they are experiencing. It is often encouraged to get a colonic when you have a bug in your system, or if you take a large amount of medication. Some people go as many times as once a week to ensure they are staying very clean and less susceptible to diseases.
I met Beth Good at her office on a sunny Sunday afternoon for the appointment. After a quick reminder on how the digestive system works she showed me into a very serene looking room with a small cot on the left, a toilet and sink in the center, and a strange looking bed with a faucet on the right side of the room. Relaxing music was playing and the lighting was low and soothing. The strange looking bed had a well in the center of it where I expected my waste to go. Under the well was a tube, which was reflected in a mirror above the bed. She put me on the little cot to the left and placed my legs into a strange machine, which moved my legs and hips left to right in a rocking motion. She said this was to relax the muscles in the large intestine. She left me be for a bit as I got used to the movement. It reminded me of being rocked like a baby. In fifteen minutes I was half asleep and she was back again. Beth showed me the small hose that would be placed in my rectum. It was about half the radius of my pinky but it was a bit long. She explained that I would mount the strange looking bed, backside down and place the tube inside me. I asked nervously if I was to lose my virginity in that particular area. She laughed and said of course not. She showed me with her fingers that it would only go in less than an inch. I sighed in relief as she walked out of the room again so that I could strip and get into place. After a good amount of fumbling I gingerly inserted the tube, which made my eyes widen for a split second, and then realized that Beth had told the truth and I was not to be violated this afternoon.
I Came, I Saw, I Took a 40 Minute Duece
Beth came back into the room after I had properly covered myself with soft blankets. She asked me to pull a lever and push several buttons. The fluorescent light in the tube that I could see through the mirror above me turned on and a cool feeling passed into me making me giggle involuntarily. She told me it would heat up soon, which it did. The water pushed in with a little more force and suddenly I needed to go very badly. Beth recognized the look I was making and told me it was alright, all I had to do was push. I did, with a lot of force I might add, and lo and behold, several pieces of feces were seen gliding down the tube. Happy with the outcome, I smiled but soon I felt the rush come once again and I was pushing hard a second time, then a third and a fourth, etc. Beth talked to me the whole time while poking lightly on my abdomen in certain places and massaging my belly with hot stones. We talked about Elvis, who died with 60lbs of impacted poop in him and John Wayne who was found with a similar amount. The amount of pain killers Elvis was taking could most likely account for his impaction and John Wayne was a serious carnivore with an unhealthy aversion to anything green, which coincidently helps you go. I felt a little uncomfortable as the forty minutes trolled on, and who wouldn’t, but it wasn’t like having a baby or getting a tooth pulled. After a while I got quite used to the rushing, and then pushing and before I knew it the forty minutes were up. She left the room again as I slowly got up and dressed.
The Perfect Poo
I walked down the hallway feeling a bit lighter on my feet. I told her I was ravenously hungry and was ready to eat a big honkin’ steak. She warned me not to and suggested a nice fluffy side of soft mashed potatoes instead. I got her meaning and tried to take it to heart but boy was I hungry. Earlier in the appointment I had asked her what the perfect poo looks like. “A banana”, she said without hesitation. “It should be long and smooth with little to no excess left to wipe a second time, and it should be a little buoyant.” I knew that I was not usually extracting such “clean sweeps” so I was eager to see how my newly cleaned out intestines would perform. We hugged and I exited the spa feeling like I hadn’t eaten for a week. I did not experience a bodily need that night but the next day I deposited a prime specimen. It was long and sleek and floated a little. There was no odor and I have to say, it made me a little proud. I know that it’s stupid, but it was one for the ages. The next day, I became more regular, adding two more, and each was just perfect. In fact it has been exactly a week since my visit and I have had a wonderful experience every time.
Just Doo-Doo It
Whether you have an impossible amount of medication that is stopping you up or you just happen to be a big fan of cheese, if you are feeling uncomfortable, it might be time to wash out the old pipes. The small amount of unease you might feel when getting the procedure done is far less than going to the hospital for a deadly disease. The amount of people dying each year from BM related complications are astounding considering how good Americans have become about personal hygiene in the last 100 years. Plus, you might actually lose a couple pounds as a bonus. I know I did. What have you got to lose but a whole ‘lotta nasty poop?
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