What it is Like to Wake up in Pain Everyday
Waking up in Pain
Almost every morning for the last 30 some years I have woken up in pain. It is lonely because I don't want to talk about it or show it. I used to be the first one up in the morning. I remember waiting hours for my husband to get up. That was sooo many years ago. I miss those sweet quiet times. I would get so much done. I always had time to spend time with the Lord.
I think the hardest part is my lack of enthusiasm to jump out of bed that I once had. Yes I still have the joy of God but I have to lay in bed a while an evaluate my feelings. What kind of day will this be. Do I need to take my medicine before I greet my sweet husband. Some days I just want to roll over and sleep more but often times that is not a choice. It is the small joys in life that keep me going. A great cup of coffee. Hearing my husband's voice, seeing my dear grandchildren's faces jump for glee as they greet me when we are babysitting.
I usually need 30 minutes to and hour of wakefulness to start to feel human again. I think this is a gift as God has chosen to show me what many others with chronic illness feel like. My empathy has grown tremendously.
I hate taking medicine. I am an RN and used to rarely even take an aspirin or tylenol. Now I have to take all kinds of things just to keep going.
Sometimes when I have pain all over my husband asks me to explain but it is impossible. Every muscle, joint, nerve hurts. He make me laugh when he says does your hair hurt and I have to admit no my hair does not hurt. He is great about making me laugh.
You always second guess yourself. What is I need to do to feel better? Should I say yes to an invitation? Should I exercise today? Do I need that doctor's appointment? What have I forgotten I needed to really get done?
My blessings in Life
How much Medicine do I need?
Pain is the gift from God no on asks for or wants. There are some benefits. I already mentioned empathy and truly knowing what others are going through.
There is that sweet moment when the pain lifts and you realize you feel only your own body in sync with itself. That is a great feeling.
I like to exercise or maybe I should say I make myself exercise . I have read and know how much it will help me but it is such a push to get myself there. Then I have to pace how much is overdoing. I I do mess up and overdo I will experience excruciating pain in the late afternoon. Too much and just enough is a fine line.
There is also that knowledge that if I took several pain pills I could feel great but with knowledge comes wisdom and I know this is not the way to go and I will pay later when I have no medicine till I see my doctor again.
I look at other people that don't know my secret life and wonder do they too have a similar daily struggle, a cross if you will that God has chosen not to take away from me. I should try to learn more as I carry this cross..
Losing Control of the Pain Cycle
There are those moments when I hate the person the pain makes me. These are the times when I have to say no to a Friend that wants to get together. There are times when the tension and pain is so severe that I lash out at those I love the most. I hate when I lose control at those times. Usually my husband is the brunt of these episodes and the most I can do is apologize, try to recover, make it up to him somehow and prevent future times of losing control.
This is very difficult for a pain patient to deal with. How do you go through life and never overdo to the point of total pain and exhaustion? There are always things that need to be done or that I just want to do. I beat myself up when I forget to call a sister or dear friend or don't meet with anyone for weeks because it takes too much energy and is just easier to stay home.
I love to garden and do crafts. If I lose myself in these things I will often forget my medication or forget to take a break and I later pay for this.
Living In Pain
Cures and Hope
Evenings are my best times. That is probably when I need to be getting more rest but I just want to get one more thing done or enjoy just a few more minutes of peace without pain.
I pray for cures and I try all the supplements, etc. but sometimes I feel like I am just doing things to make myself feel better when I know deep down they won't really help
One of my hardest struggles is the loss of my career. I miss nursing. We could use the income and insurance that goes with it. How can I get that back? My husband gets tired of me saying maybe.
I have to hold onto hope because without the hope that God will take this from me or He has a bigger plan for this than what I can ever begin to understand it would be impossible to live with the pain I have.
Yes pain is difficult but one thing I know for sure. I am not alone and there are worse things to live with.
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