PREGNANCY SECRETS - What they don't want you to know.

Hub Nuggets Winner

WARNING: What you are about to read may cause seasoned parents to experience flashbacks and night terrors. Proceed with caution.

Have you ever suspected that seasoned mothers know something about parenting that you don't? They do.

Your first pregnancy is a tumultuous ride. The last trimester alone seems to go on all year! I wonder if you have noticed that little look that seasoned mothers give each other when you talk about your pregnancy? What's that all about?

I am here today to throw back the curtains of parenting and reveal the secrets that seasoned mothers so often hide from childless women.

You may be familiar with the book What to expect when you are expecting.

I am here to tell you all the truths that they don't tell you when you're pregnant.

If you aren't already sitting down, you should be.

Don't be misled by images like this.

Images like this do nothing to prepare first time expectant mothers for the realities of motherhood.
Images like this do nothing to prepare first time expectant mothers for the realities of motherhood. | Source

You'll face moments like these everyday

They don't tell why your straws taste funny.
They don't tell why your straws taste funny.
They don't tell you why you can't find your newspaper.
They don't tell you why you can't find your newspaper.
Cute, right? Yeah, he is now...but they don't tell you that every morning at 3am he sprouts a pointy tail and little red horns from his forehead.
Cute, right? Yeah, he is now...but they don't tell you that every morning at 3am he sprouts a pointy tail and little red horns from his forehead.
They don't tell you how frequently mothers are called upon to put their first aid skills to the test.
They don't tell you how frequently mothers are called upon to put their first aid skills to the test.
They don't tell you that moments like these can sometimes feel few and far between.  On the right is Caleb, my main perpetrater (recently diagnosed with middle child syndrome) and his often victem David, now 2yo.
They don't tell you that moments like these can sometimes feel few and far between. On the right is Caleb, my main perpetrater (recently diagnosed with middle child syndrome) and his often victem David, now 2yo.

Motherhood Exposed

  • They don't tell you that that hospitals allow you to check in your dignity at admin and pick it up on the way out of the maternity ward.
  • They don't tell you that you will poop in front of the room full of strangers who are waiting (down there!) to catch your baby.
  • They don't tell you that your alleged bundle of joy oozes and leaks from every orifice...constantly.
  • They don't tell you that the pitter patter of little feet is really more of a thumping noise and often accompanied by "MMUUUUUMMM, he hit meeee"
  • They don't tell you that new parents lose on average 600 hours of sleep in baby's first year alone - it's true.
  • They might tell you that some days you will be "lucky" to have a shower and get dressed before lunch...they don't tell you that on the other unlucky occasions you will still be in your pyjama's three days later.
  • They don't warn you how much time each day you spend feeding a newborn - 45 minutes to feed, burp and replace the nappy every three hours, eight times a day equals six hours a day. NOTE: resettling, bath time and replacing wet and dirty clothes is not included.
  • They don't tell you that you will average about 100 hours per year per child in the waiting rooms of your GP, Paediatrician, chemist and the closest hospital emergency department.
  • They don't tell you to take a good book and change for the vending machine with you for the wait - those waiting rooms get so boring.
  • They don't warn you that you won't be able to close to toilet door or have a shower without an audience for a long, long time.
  • They don't tell you that as soon as baby is old enough to know what it is...you will never eat that last biscuit again.
  • They don't tell you how much a growing boy can eat nor how frequently!
  • They don't tell you about how much faster apples decompose under the sofa compared to oranges.
  • They don't tell you that you will be required to hold out your hand and gracefully catch the half chewed yukkys that your toddler is threatening to spit out onto the floor in the in-laws dining room.
  • They don't tell you how to respond when you catch your 3yr old about to blow his nose on your brand new dress.
  • They don't tell you how many times a day you can hear the words "Mmuuumm...I'm hungry," before pulling your hair out.
  • They don't tell you that the average four year old asks over 340 questions each and every day.
  • They don't tell you that you should carry an empty wide neck bottle in the car (Powerade or Berocca bottles are perfect) for when your little boy can't make it to the nearest toilet in time. (I hate to drive past little boys whizzing on the side on the road.)
  • They don't tell you that you should dispose of that bottle thoughtfully (really...don't ask).
  • They don't tell you what to do when you you find the toddler lovingly massaging blue face paint into the baby's hair.
  • They don't tell you that hair absorbs blue face paint so much better than facial skin can.
  • They don't tell you what to do when your toddler races into an elevator as the doors close behind them.
  • They don't tell you how long it takes to start an elevator after your toddler presses and holds the Emergency button repeatedly.
  • They don't tell that Blu-loo (the blue anti-bacterial cleaning blocks placed in cysterns) have incredible dying properties...nine years on and my little blue footprints on the carpet are still as bright as the day they were made!
  • They don't tell you that every toddlers favourite watersport involves the toilet.
  • They don't tell you that science starts young...Baby's first lesson - Does it float or flush?
  • They don't tell you that you should befriend a plumber who can extract the toys from the pipes after these "Float or Flush" lessons for a reasonable price.
  • They don't tell you that you could avoid these costly science lessons by just marrying the plumber (if you can't beat 'em...).
  • They don't tell you the fastest way to clean talcum powder from the carpet, the draws, the insides of those draws, the tv, the bed and the baby. (Start by vacuuming first then use a damp cloth...and repeat...several times until there is no residue left behind. Be sure to turn the suction down as you vacuum the talc from baby's hair!!)
  • They don't tell you how far you heart sinks when you hear the words "Muuumm, I gave (baby) David a crown...do you like it?" Aww, that sounds nice, right? Wrong...on this occassion (because there have been so many) the "crown" was made of potting mix!
  • They don't tell you about the before and afters. Need an example?

BEFORE: Movie, dinner and a romantic evening with your man,

AFTER: Shrek for the seventh time today, dinner that involves forcing the same mouthful of mashed potato into baby's mouth for the third time and... "What!?! You want to have sex now!?! You've got to be kidding..."

BEFORE: Standing up on the train to give the elderly a seat.

AFTER: Standing up on the train because heaven forbid your three year old will stop swinging from the bars or jumping off the seats long enough for you to rest your weary feet.

  • They don't tell you that you will not be able to wear white clothes for a long, long time. In fact, you can avoid solid colours all together and purchase prints from here on in...they hide the dribble and food stains better.
  • They don't tell you that you will never sleep the same again...
  • Here's a list of things you may like to worry about in the comfort of your own your bed: feeding troubles, teething troubles, toilet training, returning to work versus staying at home, starting school, bullying troubles, school reports, hanging out with the wrong crowd, girl/boyfriends & dating, is my teenager having sex, teens and driving, teens and alcohol, teens and parties, runaway teens, teens & back chat, teens & drugs, empty nest syndrome, your childs marriage troubles and/or financial troubles, I'm not old enough to be a grandmother yet, et cetera, et cetera.
  • They don't tell you how much money childless women save on covering grey's...well, that is if your hairdresser lets you come back after the last time you took them with you.
  • They don't tell you about the brown finger paint on the toilet walls.
  • They don't tell you how to hide those stubborn finger paint stains with a strategically placed poster - a numbers or alphabet chart is always nice (it serves a dual purpose).

In all seriousness...

As the mother of three boys my life is never dull. All things considered, I wouldn't change it for the world. This age is so precious and it passes so very, very quickly. You must learn to appreciate every moment...the good, the bad and the down right disgusting!

On a serious note, there are some things you should be aware of if this is your first pregnancy. The first is that a huge percentage of women suffer post natal depression (PND) after childbirth. This doesn't make you a "bad mum." Depression comes in many shapes and forms (my second bout of PND made me fiercely protective). There are many different sources of help available and it is imperative that you confide in someone or seek help, the earlier the better.

The second is to accept every offer of help, whether it's a sincere offer from family or a polite offer from your neighbour (it doesn't have to be a big job - it takes two minutes to go and straighten out your bathroom...and besides, it's their own fault for polite!) If people offer to help it's because they genuinely want to - they consider it a huge honour to cuddle the baby while you have a shower.

In my experience the most common mistake first time expectant mothers make is putting too much emphasis on the birth, much like the bride who plans every detail of her wedding without giving any thought to what's going to happen afterwards. The birth of your child is a huge day but the days, months and years that follow are even bigger.

What didn't they tell you?

Finally, I would like to invite you to share your own experiences and your own funny mummy stories. Be sure to pass this hub onto the mothers that you know, especially expectant or new mothers.

We've had some fun today and I'm sure that there will be plenty more "fun" to come. There are things on this list that would have reduced me to tears when I had my first child. Now I find myself backing slowly out of the room to fetch the camera or saying things like "It's funny the first time but if you do it again you'll be huge trouble" Well?...sometimes it's hard to yell at them and keep a straight face!

Please add your own thoughts below...I want to know what didn't they tell you when you had your first child?

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Comments 20 comments

ripplemaker profile image

ripplemaker 5 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

I enjoyed reading your hub. Indeed these are things first time mommies or daddies never know... :)

Congratulations on your Hubnuggets nomination! Please follow this path and you will see the unveiling of the mystery: http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/74305#post1612647


Bec 5 years ago

Great article! Loved the following comment "They don't tell you what to do when your toddler races into an elevator as the doors close behind them."


Artist-For-Hire profile image

Artist-For-Hire 5 years ago from Western Australia Author

Well they don't :-(

And they should!

That one happened not once but twice!! The first in a 12 story Children's Hospital and the second time in a 7 story hotel...AND he took somebody else's 2year old with him! You should have seen the other Mum!! LOL

You gotta love em...

Thanks for all the feedback everyone...(don't forget to add your "They didn't tell me" moments.)

This hub has been nominated for Hub Nuggets so be a good sport and cast your vote here:

http://hubpages.com/family...


graceomalley profile image

graceomalley 5 years ago

What no one ever told me: one day I would have to carry a vigorously kicking and screaming 4 year old all the way home from the park draped over my shoulder. They really never told me I would have to do this while 7 months pregnant.


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

Congratulations on your hubnugget nomination. I love this hub. It is not only well written but funny. And, too true. There are a lot of things they don't tell you. If we only knew...

Namaste.


whispers of faith profile image

whispers of faith 5 years ago

WOW very insightful hub. I'm expecting a child and i dont have any yet and after reading this im scared too. lol im only 20 so i have the rest of my life to have a kid but they sound like a lot of work. i would much rather have one job dealing with them then having two jobs and having to deal with both.


Artist-For-Hire profile image

Artist-For-Hire 5 years ago from Western Australia Author

Oh Whispers love, don't let this put you off!! Since we're exposing secrets...

They don't tell you how MUCH you will love your children

...nor how raw your emotions are toward them

...and they can't come close to explaining the depth of the love you will share or how much your love is magnified.

Because words just can't explain that.

First time around all my focus was on natural birth "plans" (3 caesar's later...!) I suppose I want to get more first timers thinking about AFTER the big day.

It's going to be hard work and you're going to need a sense of humour. That said, the harder the work, the greater the rewards - none of us would change it for the world

...and then they become teenagers lol


Stephanie Henkel profile image

Stephanie Henkel 5 years ago from USA

Ohhh...toooo funny! I'm also the mother of three boys... they don't tell you that they might think it would be fun to spread a bucket of roofing tar on their little blond brother — and where the heck did they get feathers? Congratulations on your hubnuggets nomination! Great Hub!


Ez Kay profile image

Ez Kay 5 years ago

Am so impressed with this great article of yours and am richly blessed with lots of knowledge.Actually, these my first time of reading from you Artist-for-hire and i must confessed, i gained a lot.


GonzoMom profile image

GonzoMom 5 years ago from Woodland, CA

They don't tell you that when you are pregnant again, your toddler will want to lift your shirt up to show complete strangers his new "baby". Or try to hide under your dress in public. Or that all kids pick their noses.

Great Hub, I was laughing the whole time!!


smcopywrite profile image

smcopywrite 5 years ago from all over the web

this is wonderful. they cannot describe or tell you the feeling of looking into that little face for the first time and realizing that you made this miracle.

terrific read.

welcome to the hub and thanks for writing another great one


readknittingpatts profile image

readknittingpatts 5 years ago from Calgary, AB Canada

It is now approaching 40 years since I had a baby, but I still recall the prenatal classes at which we were told "we don't call them pains - they're just contractions". Talk about misleading advertising. It was real genuine honest-to-goodness PAIN.

And now I'm a grandma to a 1-year-old and a 3-year-old. And I see much of the above all over again!


Artist-For-Hire profile image

Artist-For-Hire 5 years ago from Western Australia Author

Now that one was one of the funniest yet!! Can kinda see where she was coming from - we are our own worst enemy... but that's just cruel.

Blatant false advertising!!

Thanks for everyone's comments - they're as fun to read as the hub was to write. (Soooo good to know I'm not alone!!)

Special thanks to everyone who voted for their favourite HubNuggets =)


outlawsphinx profile image

outlawsphinx 5 years ago from Northern Indiana

They do not tell you how quickly your child learns the "I'm so cute" face. This is later applied in every situation that makes you pull your hair out, want to puke, or want to give them away for a day. I was lucky when my son was an infant because he was a great baby. I figure he was just letting us think we were going to have it easy. haha

My son is a precocious, adventurous, and scarily intelligent two year old. Our friends call him Baby Hercules because of some of the things he does. We have had to strip his room down until it almost looks like a prison cell. Including gluing and screwing on the molding around his windows and floor because he just rips it off. My 2 year old is as big as an average 5 year old, which is not surprising since I am a little over 6 ft tall and my husband is 6'5".


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

Great hub! Fortunately, I had girls before Only Son came along, so I *think* I got off easy...except for the no sleep for the first year part and not much sex during that time either.

Can think of one other thing they don't tell you. The amount of equipment necessary to re-locate Baby from Point A to Point B is hugely inverse to the age/size of said baby. i.e. an afternoon at Grandma's for a 3-wk-old requires a small truck, same for a 6-month-old (just different equipment), but magically by 12-15 months, nothing more than what one parent can carry in a diaper bag over one shoulder. (And if your Little Darling is the independent sort, he/she will drag the diaper bag for you, so be sure to buy a sturdy one.)

Oh, and little boys...from the time they can walk...live to dismantle things, with or without benefit of pliers and screwdrivers, which one would think are too big and heavy for a child that size to lift, let alone use. This is a myth. ;D


Artist-For-Hire profile image

Artist-For-Hire 5 years ago from Western Australia Author

NOTE TO SELF:

Must remember to nail EVERYTHING in it's place, especially the chairs. Just finished vacuuming the lino. the carpet, the bed, the curtain, the draws and the youngest childs hair after he climbed up to grab the talc AGAIN...second time this week!!

Mind you, there were the cutest little talc footprints...just a shame there was so many of them. And who would have thought that talcom powder sticks to the walls like that!

Must be off - have a draw full of clothes that needs re-washing =(


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

You mean like flour sticks to walls (and everything else) if it's not stored in a securely-locked container? Tiny floured footprints were the cutest too. ;D


Artist-For-Hire profile image

Artist-For-Hire 5 years ago from Western Australia Author

*Sigh*...It's so good to know I'm not alone - I was starting to entertain the thought that it was just my disfunctional family!

Is it any wonder you hear stories of them wondering off into bushland or winding up on the side of some road somewhere...you turn your back for a minute.

It goes to show that there are some serious flaws in the evolution theory - we should have evolved some spare eyes in the back of our heads by now! Some extra arms for carrying everything would be helpful too, come to think it. One's that can stretch X-men style =)


Aamna Aamad profile image

Aamna Aamad 5 years ago from Pakistan

I wish, i wish...i also come across all these unrevealed secrets soon. great hub, but such articles depresses me. feeling of not having one arouses. voted up dear


Artist-For-Hire profile image

Artist-For-Hire 5 years ago from Western Australia Author

It will be your turn soon, I'm sure, Aamna. And when it is, you'll love them so much more for all the effort it took.

Good luck xx

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