Who is I - A Journey into Consciousness

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The Awakening

It wasn't until my 30's that I started to question myself and all the beliefs I held about the world and my "Self". I had been financially very successful and on the surface I may have appeared to many as being quite fortunate. The truth however was that my life was spiralling out of control and I was very unhappy. It was during this time of crisis that I began to look within for the answers.

I decided to write an account of my life journey starting at the very beginning to retrace all of the steps that had brought me to that turning point and what happened when I turned that corner in my life. I am alive and writing this hub so obviously I have survived but I suspect that many do not survive. Those less fortunate than myself commit suicide, die from stress and heart attack, or that they do not survive with their mental health intact

In reading what I have to say about my journey, those of you experiencing similar changes can take comfort from the fact that you are not alone. You are not the only one who feels as you do and there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel. If know someone who is going through crisis why not direct them to my story and help them find their way out of the bottomless pit they imagine they are in.


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Sifting through the relics of the past

I have written my life story as a series of stand alone stories in which I revisit significant events in my life as if I was experiencing them again in the present. There is an ulterior motive for me doing this and the reason becomes evident as my story emerges. With this series of articles  I explain the foundations for the method I used  to purge myself of the past and any hold my limiting beliefs from the past have had over me.This is the same method I use with my clients at my own private practice.  I want to show the world that it is possible to heal yourself but not without some effort and a genuine desire to know your self and the reasons behind your suffering. In this series of hubs I will show you how I have done it and the process involved in this journey of "Self" discovery.

In writing this series of hubs I show how (1) by a simple shift from writing about my life as a reporter to writing those significant events as if they are happening right now, I alter perception; and (2) in doing so, I rip open the veil of illusion that separates us all from the truth and keeps each of us a prisoner of our own minds.

Externalising those significant life experiences in a way that brings them back into existence affords me the opportunity to pick through the contents like someone looking though the personal effects of a soldier lying dead on the battlefield. He has no more need of them but the "I" who has survived can surely make use of them. I show you how to make use of the past in order to free yourself from it.

Little can be gained from an intellectual treatment of past traumas. Simply talking about events that impacted you emotionally must be dealt with at an emotional level if you are to resolve the problems that directly arise from these same traumatic events. 


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Free at last!

My article is an attempt to explain my concept of “Self” and "being". I intend to expose all the forces and influences that have shaped who I am today, leaving no stone unturned. I will use the evidence of my own life to expose the grand illusion all of us share, and I am excited at the prospect.

I suppose you could also say that I am embarking on a journey I have already taken to show you how I  uncovered truth, and not the truth that depends on who owns it, but truth independent of the perceiver. I wish to take you by the hand and lead you through my journey from which I have emerged safely and in so doing to encourage you to do the same for yourself..    

Is "I" a creation of the mind or is mind a creation of "I"? These are ideas that I  explore as I tell my story. The real value of what I have to say lies in how it benefits you, the reader, and in how I show you the value of good therapy based on sound principles that work.


A changing mind can falter

I am a happy and content man today but there was a time when I was very far from the man who writes to you today. I feel very thankful to be me today and I feel more alive and healthy now in my 50's than I have ever felt before.

There was a time when it never dawned on me to question who or what I am and what was I doing here on this planet. Those same questions also made me go blank when I eventually did start to consider them and it felt like all the shutters were coming down whenever I did glance in the direction of those questions.

I even once felt that what I was attempting might even lie just beyond the reach of my conscious inquiring mind and worried that my inquiries might make my already destructive condition even worse the way Columbus must have also felt as he undoubtedly considered the possibility of his ship falling off the edge of the world.


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Where had it all gone wrong?

I eventually realised that my self concept was inadequate and aspects of it were contributing to the problems I continued to experience in my life. After many years of trying to rationalise and intellectualise my “Self” I was forced to concede that my life’s map was wrong and in this series of hubs you can see clearly why.

My past contributed greatly to my concept of Self and in order to stand back from and examine myself and where I had gone wrong I needed to delve into my past in a particualr way in order to examine its contribution to what made me that unhappy and confused man. This series of hubs performs this examination without judgement and as critically as a scientist might perform an autopsy on a dead body.

I wondered about such possibilities as, what if it turns out that I am just an elaborate computer seeking to know my user? If so then from the onset my attempt as the tool to know that which is using me was already doomed. My mind was like a hamster on a mill when I first started and it felt as if things were getting worse before they eventually started to get better. I am reminded of A.I. (Artificial Intelligence) the movie  and how I cried as I watched the boy do everything in his power to find his mother again.


"Self" Sacrifice

I am reminded now of something a great man once said and which was a source of great inspiration to me on my journey, "What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?" I sacrificed everything in my pursuit of truth. I literally gave up everything in order to gain what I have today and I do not regret one moment of the journey. I want to share my journey with you here in this series of hubs and I invite you to join me by expressing your reactions in the comment box at the end of each hub.


Link to Next Chapter

Comments 28 comments

tnderhrt23 profile image

tnderhrt23 5 years ago

I am very excited to have the opportunity to read about this journey, for this hub, the introduction feel very familiar, in a way. The one phrase that jumped off of the page at me is "Truth independent of the perceiver" for I believe that is, indeed, what I seek! Thank you for having the courage to put this out there for those of us who are on the same journey and search!


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Thank you tnderhrt for your comment and supportive sentiments.I hope you benefit from the journey.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Very cool. I like the thought of Organizing Chaos. I will be reading the series.

Also - note of interest - reporter? Does this satisfy the urge to tell? Just curious!

Excellent! I loved the video too.


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Thank you RealHousewife for taking the time to visit and comment.By the urge to tell I am assuming you mean the movie that plays over and over and that becomes a part of every waking minute of your life. A secret that you want to shout to the world but don't for fear of not being heard. Well that all melts away when you release the repressions as I have done. And when you do they no longer have power over you.I hope you enjoy the journey.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Oh not just my own secrets. I want to know truths and do the research and then inform others what the facts are. I like facts. Weird, I know!


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

That's a tough one RH. Remember that you perceive with mind so mind creates your truth. Everyone creates their own truth but most people don't even realise this yet. it may take many lifetimes for a man to realise he is not his body and many more before he realises he is not his mind. In the meantime he tries to convince everyone else of the validity of his truth! Facts are not truth. They are beliefs and opinions that many like minded people subscribe to. They are fun to play with but dangerous when you take them too seriously.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

That is a tough one! I sort of get what you are saying. I may have to chew on that a bit. My mind is already trying to separate Truth vs. Fact. I bet it isn't that easy. I am hung up on this one a bit.

Ok for example, if I say that 2 + 2 = 4 is that a fact? I'm not at all being silly, I am truly trying to understand. I think I'm missing something!


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Ok then let's start from scratch. What is 2?


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

2 is a specific number correlating to objects and how many there are. But I think I know where you might be going? Like who defines that as it's meaning?


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Yes, you are quick to catch on. The mind creates every concept. Once we label a concept then it becomes a belief. Like the word leaf. When you were a child every leaf was unique and beautiful. Once you attached the label "leaf" then all leaves were clumped under this label where they remain to this day but leaf does not actually exist except as a belief in your head.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Bingo! Ok now I'm with you! I see. Such an interesting way to see that. Part of why words become triggers! Right? That's why people attach words to feelings? Or why a word in the Rolodex in your heard triggers a certain response? I just can't wait to see what you say! Haha!

OooooOoooooohhhhhhh! I'm going to be thinking about this while I am making copies at school today. I am going in late today because little bit will be home from camp.

I hope you are having a great day! I am:)


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

The day is coming to an end here. It has been a wonderful day. I am going to send you a 5mins video to blow your mind away. BTW have you played the audio yet? Why the delay? Resistance? Go on jump you wimp!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

No, no resistance! I can't wait. I want to make sure that I have peace and quiet. I planned to this evening after everyone is settled down. I want to really concentrate. Last night I spent the evening fawning over Sydney because her sister is away. I am excited -It's like a mystery that I've always been wondering about!

Thank you so much for all of your time and, well just everything:)!


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

You are very welcome. It is my pleasure to answer all your interesting questions. You are worth it!


Denise Handlon profile image

Denise Handlon 5 years ago from North Carolina

Interesting. Excellent write. I am a fellow Truthseeker. It has been an interesting journey into the depths of the inner self and into 'reality'. The 'movie' is a good analogy to use regarding what our mind percieves is reality. I agree--it isn't for everyone and can drive one to despair or shake one to their core.

I'll be reading more of your hubs in the future.


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Thank you Denise. I too have been reading your hubs and find them very interesting. Thank you for visiting and commenting.


Slarty O'Brian profile image

Slarty O'Brian 5 years ago from Canada

So your video is espousing the Holographic universe interpretation of QM.

I just have to comment on this one aspect of your presentation for now. It may take me a day or two to work up a good response to these hubs, and I won't be including what I am about to say.

Your work and its validity does not hing on this issue of a holographic universe. So you may want to rethink hitching your wagon to this hypothesis.

I am a very scientific minded person as you know. So It always distresses me that people think models such as the BB or the Copenhagen interpretation or in deed the Holographic universe interpretation are facts about the way the universe works. They are not. They are speculative models. Most can not as yet even he theoretically falsified or verified. We simply are not advanced enough yet.

They are all interpretations of quantum mechanics. There are at least a dozen of them, each with their merits and each with their problems. More pop up every year.

The thing is that QM does not use any of the interpretations to make statistical predictions about the quantum. They serve no purpose except as models of what might be... IF.

My advice is don't believe models are reality. You say so yourself in the intro to this very good series of hubs with your movie analogy.

Just a little friendly advice. ;)


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Yes, you make a good point here as I don't actually attach myself completely to any one model in real life and so I have dropped the video as you suggested. I agree with you that models are not truth. Thank you Slarty.


Slarty O'Brian profile image

Slarty O'Brian 5 years ago from Canada

Well I didn't think you would remove it on my advice. A disclaimer would have been fine if you espouse some of those ideas. ;) I can never give you advice again, you know that don't you? lol...

But it must mean you were thinking about it anyway so good going.


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

"There was a time when it never dawned on me to question who or what I am and what was I doing here on this planet." - Such questions have been with me from my early teens ... the questions are always there.

I remember talking to one of my philosophy professors about the never-ending questions. His answer to me was, that once I ate from the tree of knowledge, there was nothing I could do (about the questions). There is no going back.

It was the red pill in the Matrix, was it not?

Cheers Mr. ... Goyalka (lol I was confused for a second)

(I love the avatar photo.)


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Thank you Wolfman Jack and I like the red pill analogy. However in your case you must have swallowed the whole bottle LOL!

Goyakla has a special place in my heart and I am glad you like his photo.


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 4 years ago from Minnesota

I just read Chapter one and figured out I missed the introduction. Glad you had the link of previous chapters. Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us. I feel grateful and excited to look at my own journey of who I am.


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 4 years ago from United Kingdom Author

I thought perhaps that this series might encourage you to write about your own experiences so that your story can help heal not just you but those who read it.


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada

I think I did swallow the whole bottle lol

This year is so weird even I am scratching my head ... but like Hunter S. Thompson said: "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

Cheers Mr. Goyalka and all the very best!

P.S. Thank you for promoting healing. That I always appreciate. May Apollo watch over You.


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 4 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Thank you Mr Happy.


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 4 years ago from Minnesota

Thanks so much for your warm words of wisdom. I do want to write my experiences in this style and format. I can see how powerful a tool talking in the present tense can be.


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 4 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Minnetonka Twin, please remember that writing in the present tense I am seeking to give the reader an accurate account of how I revisited the past in my hypno-psychotherapy sessions and addressed those painful experiences as if they were happening again in the present. They didn't kill me as a boy and they sure were not going to kill me as a grown man. The emotion associated with each experience was released through abreactions that left me pretty drained but freer than I had ever felt in my life up to that. It is not a pretty sight to witness and that is why it is imperative that people have the correct training before bring anyone through this. I now do this on a regular basis for people from all walks of life and it is amazing to see them reclaim their lives as a result.

I no longer feel any emotion when I recount my experiences and that is a gift I gave myself by going through the therapy myself. So although writing about your own experiences in the present tense may well up emotions that you have buried it is important to release those emotions in a systematic way so that they no longer influence your life in the present. To this end I would highly recommend yo look into pursuing a course in Hypno-Psychotherapy and TIR (Traumatic Incident Reduction) The authority on TIR is Frank A Gerbode and I feel that this may be a road you might like to investigate. http://www.tir.org/


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 4 years ago from Minnesota

OK-Thanks for that important information :-)

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