Writing Through Depression

I'm going to start writing again. I almost started that sentence by saying "I'm going to try..." But I'm learning that I have to be more strong willed than that. I have to be more forceful with my thoughts...so that my thoughts can become my actions.

It's been awhile since I have written. Too many things going on in my life...in my head...I couldn't concentrate. I think I've had a breakdown, of sorts. I think I'm coming back...I'm not sure...but I see parts of myself again...parts of my old self...parts of myself that could see the sun through the clouds...the parts of myself that know the good things in my lif definitely outweigh the bad things in my mind...

These past months...or has it even been years? It's been so long, I'm not even sure any more...but these past months...no matter how many...have been a kind if hell on earth for me. A hell of my own making, for the most part. I mean, sure, there have been outside forces working on me, as well...but, for the most part, I have been living in a self-created hell

These past months...or has it even been years? It's been so long, I'm not even sure any more...but these past months...no matter how many...have been a kind if hell on earth for me. A hell of my own making, for the most part. I mean, sure, there have been outside forces working on me, as well...but, for the most part, I have been living in a self-created hell.

Depression and it's close friend, anxiety, have been my closest neighbors in this hell. My husband and my adult children have tried to get past those neighbors...but they have been ever vigilant...and have been great at keeping even those I love the most away from me. Those awful neighbors have been kind enough to allow my grandchildren in, but even then, it's been for short visits. Not the long, happy visits we used to have...but shorter...more strained in many ways....

Medication is helping keep those evil neighbors at bay. But finding the right combination of the right medications...well...that's been it's own special kind of hell...I think I finally have the right dosage...the right combo...I finally feel human again...At least most of the time.

There are many types of medications when it comes to depression and anxiety. If you don't start the right one...you can make things so much worse. Medication that is meant to help you can end up making you want to end your life. And not only do you need the right medication, you need the right dosage. Too little and you feel the same, too much and you want to hide from the world and again, end your life. It has to be a happy medium, so that you can feel your happy medium.

Do you have depression? If you have some of these signs, please have yourself checked....

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. ...
• Loss of interest in daily activities. ...
• Appetite or weight changes. ...
• Sleep changes. ...
• Anger or irritability. ...
• Loss of energy. ...
• Self-loathing. ...
• Reckless behavior.

Remember....YOU are important!

Adding to all of that is the insomnia. Insomnia has been a constant friend of mine, as well. We go way back to my childhood. I didn't realize how far we did go back until I was talking with my husband the other day. We were discussing late night television shows that we both watched...he because he napped during the day just so he wouldn't miss them...me because I just couldn't sleep.

I think I have that figured out now, too. Sleep apnea, premature ventricular compressions and periodic limb movement disorder work together to keep me awake...and that all adds to the depression and the anxiety and the migraines that just won't stop. But we now have a plan for that, as well.

For so many months, I couldn't write...couldn't focus in the words that I wanted to put down on paper. And don't think I didn't try! That was most frustrating of all, I think. My escape from the world is writing...and I couldn't write...couldn't escape. I would try...but the words just wouldn't come. Or they would come in a jumbled mess of nonsense that not even I could figure out...my escape was blocked in a very real way...in a very solid way. Still is, in some ways. Right now, the words are flowing...but I don't know how long this will last. This could be the only thing I write for a while...or could be the first if a new streak...I hope I can continue...I hope the words continue to flow....