Writing Through Depression

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I'm Writing Again

I'm going to start writing again. I almost started that sentence by saying "I'm going to try..." But I'm learning that I have to be more strong willed than that. I have to be more forceful with my thoughts...so that my thoughts can become my actions.

It's been awhile since I have written. Too many things going on in my life...in my head...I couldn't concentrate. I think I've had a breakdown, of sorts. I think I'm coming back...I'm not sure...but I see parts of myself again...parts of my old self...parts of myself that could see the sun through the clouds...the parts of myself that know the good things in my lif definitely outweigh the bad things in my mind...

These past months...or has it even been years? It's been so long, I'm not even sure any more...but these past months...no matter how many...have been a kind if hell on earth for me. A hell of my own making, for the most part. I mean, sure, there have been outside forces working on me, as well...but, for the most part, I have been living in a self-created hell

Just Me

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Evil Friends

These past months...or has it even been years? It's been so long, I'm not even sure any more...but these past months...no matter how many...have been a kind if hell on earth for me. A hell of my own making, for the most part. I mean, sure, there have been outside forces working on me, as well...but, for the most part, I have been living in a self-created hell.

Depression and it's close friend, anxiety, have been my closest neighbors in this hell. My husband and my adult children have tried to get past those neighbors...but they have been ever vigilant...and have been great at keeping even those I love the most away from me. Those awful neighbors have been kind enough to allow my grandchildren in, but even then, it's been for short visits. Not the long, happy visits we used to have...but shorter...more strained in many ways....

Treatment

What Treatment Did You Choose?

  • Medication
  • Therapy
  • A combination
See results without voting

Medications

Medication is helping keep those evil neighbors at bay. But finding the right combination of the right medications...well...that's been it's own special kind of hell...I think I finally have the right dosage...the right combo...I finally feel human again...At least most of the time.

There are many types of medications when it comes to depression and anxiety. If you don't start the right one...you can make things so much worse. Medication that is meant to help you can end up making you want to end your life. And not only do you need the right medication, you need the right dosage. Too little and you feel the same, too much and you want to hide from the world and again, end your life. It has to be a happy medium, so that you can feel your happy medium.

My Best Treatment

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Signs of Depression

Do you have depression? If you have some of these signs, please have yourself checked....

  • Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. ...
  • Loss of interest in daily activities. ...
  • Appetite or weight changes. ...
  • Sleep changes. ...
  • Anger or irritability. ...
  • Loss of energy. ...
  • Self-loathing. ...
  • Reckless behavior.

Remember....YOU are important!

Naughty Neighbors

Adding to all of that is the insomnia. Insomnia has been a constant friend of mine, as well. We go way back to my childhood. I didn't realize how far we did go back until I was talking with my husband the other day. We were discussing late night television shows that we both watched...he because he napped during the day just so he wouldn't miss them...me because I just couldn't sleep.

I think I have that figured out now, too. Sleep apnea, premature ventricular compressions and periodic limb movement disorder work together to keep me awake...and that all adds to the depression and the anxiety and the migraines that just won't stop. But we now have a plan for that, as well.

For so many months, I couldn't write...couldn't focus in the words that I wanted to put down on paper. And don't think I didn't try! That was most frustrating of all, I think. My escape from the world is writing...and I couldn't write...couldn't escape. I would try...but the words just wouldn't come. Or they would come in a jumbled mess of nonsense that not even I could figure out...my escape was blocked in a very real way...in a very solid way. Still is, in some ways. Right now, the words are flowing...but I don't know how long this will last. This could be the only thing I write for a while...or could be the first if a new streak...I hope I can continue...I hope the words continue to flow....

It Takes A Lot Of Medications To Regulate My Moods

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22 comments

Marlena Crow profile image

Marlena Crow 2 years ago from Stockton, California

I have alot of disabilities and I know injuries and depression run hand in hand because of pain and the fact that you have limitations on what your body can do and can't do.


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 2 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

You have a lot of company, LaDena. Depression runs in the family, and I too battle it now and then. All we can do is look for the light at the end of the tunnel, and sooner or later, there it is.

BTW, I find that pushing myself to write helps quite a bit, especially when it all starts to come together.


justateacher profile image

justateacher 2 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Marlena....thanks for reading! Yes, depression and injuries do go hand in hand....I need to be more thankful for what I do have...


justateacher profile image

justateacher 2 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Will....thanks for reading! I'm going to write more often now that I've started again. I find that it is the one thing that really helps! I keep looking for that light!


Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio 2 years ago from Shelton

Just you... you'll be in my prayers.. and I really do hope you get better, feel better and yes children can be therapy... bless you and its good to see you here again Frank


justateacher profile image

justateacher 2 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Frank...Thanks for reading....I feel so much better than I did...I'm getting better all the time. I'm glad to be back!!


always exploring profile image

always exploring 2 years ago from Southern Illinois

I have family members who suffer with bouts of depression, bipolar, highs and lows. Medication helps at times. I do hope you will write more, sometimes when I feel down, I try to write and it always makes me feel better.


billybuc profile image

billybuc 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

Hugs to you, LaDena, and thank you for writing a brutally honest appraisal of depression and anxiety. Blessings to you always.


justateacher profile image

justateacher 2 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Always Exploring....thanks for reading! I am planning on writing more. I think I finally have my medications under control.


justateacher profile image

justateacher 2 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Bill...good to hear from you! Thanks for the hugs and for the blessings! I don't know to be anything other than honest when it comes to my mental health issues....


Victoria Lynn profile image

Victoria Lynn 2 years ago from Arkansas, USA

I'm glad you're back! I didn't know you suffered with depression. I think I have my whole life. Sometimes it's just more debilitating than at other times. Yes, writing is an escape to help depression, until it's overwhelmed by other things. You hang in there and keep writing, you hear? Oh, and the first picture, the look in that child's eyes, is just adorable.


Genna East profile image

Genna East 2 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

LaDena…please consider yourself hugged. I admire the courage and character it took to write this candid article; two qualities you have in abundance. As for those neighbors, they visit others from time to time. As Will wrote, you are in good company. And we’re always here for you.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 2 years ago from the South

LaDena, I have also been going through depression/anxiety hell for the last couple of years. I am working on a new medication right now. And I also have not been able to write much. I feel your pain and just want to tell you...be gentle with yourself and hang in there. Take it one day at a time and do whatever you can and know that that is enough. A huge hug sent your way.


justateacher profile image

justateacher 2 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Victoria...thanks for reading. That picture is my oldest granddaughter....she just turned two...she was looking up at her mama...and she is one of the reasons I won't let this depression beat me!


justateacher profile image

justateacher 2 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Genna....Thanks for reading! Thanks for the hugs! I can use all I can get! I forgot how wonderful this Hubpages community is!


justateacher profile image

justateacher 2 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Catgypsy....thanks for reading! Thanks for the hugs, too...and one sent back at you! Let me know if there is anything I can do for you! As I said, I forgot how wonderful this community is...and I'm so glad to be a part of it again!


Kimb8094 profile image

Kimb8094 2 years ago from United States

Hello! I myself suffer from depression and anxiety as well that, at it's worst points, will completely cripple me and cause myself to isolate my being from the world. I used to just accept that this is the way that it is going to be until somehow I stumbled on a way to control it. Zen meditation really helped me gain the focus to be able to introspect on my psyche and study when and where my anxiety/depression would spike, etc. After I got a good idea of what kind of situations, people, surroundings, and so on would spike my anxiety/depression I would either face them or avoid them and do something else - you have the power to do what you please. Show that to your anxiety/depression - YOU are in control! :) For example, I have anxiety that tells me I'm worthless and out of shape which in turn makes me depressed; but in turn I get up and go for a 15 mile bike ride and boom - I proved it wrong, and it goes away. At least this is my personal experience; but I feel if you truly challenge your symptoms, instead of seeing yourself as a victim then the problems tend to subside.

I don't want this to come off as an "I know it all and do what I say" kind of a paragraph either. I hope you can find some use in it and I know you'll find a way to overcome this debilitating nuisance of the mind. Cheers and much love! You can do it!


justateacher profile image

justateacher 2 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Kim...Thanks for reading! This is great advice! I have tried some meditation before, but just haven't been able to do it right. I will just have to try it again. One of my goals is to train and then run in a 5k run. One of these days!


Kimb8094 profile image

Kimb8094 2 years ago from United States

you can do it !


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 2 years ago

My friends who suffer from depression can attest to your words here as truth. I admire our approach to this and the hope to overcome. Prayers and hugs, dear lady.


seraphic profile image

seraphic 23 months ago from Canada

**HUGS** Each day that comes, know that you are beautiful inside and out. It takes courage to speak out, through speaking out everyone learns.

I admire you!


justateacher profile image

justateacher 23 months ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

seraphic...thanks for reading...and for the hugs! I hope someone can learn from my experiences...

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