You Want Pancakes And Eggs With That Bipolar Brain

Sometimes It's Dark
Sometimes It's Dark

Let's start with the doctor visit

I had a horrible visit at the psychiatric doctor one Friday morning. I was there for my bipolar medication review. Things went completely wrong from the very beginning, I had slipped into one of my impulsive episodes within the hour of being in his office to leaving. I was very aware I was angry. It quickly became a full case of rage, I could feel myself disappear. By the time I got home I was fully overwhelmed with how terrible I thought the appointment went.

I abruptly, and quite impulsivly went on the computer. I began deleting all my networking sites. My Facebook, digg, Google+, Twitter, Blogs, Friend Feed, all of them. I can't explain or give any romantic reason why I was erasing myself from the Internet and all my friends. I can barely remember doing it. But I do remember I felt I was outside my body watching myself destroy my internet life. One little keystroke at a time.

That is how quickly a bipolar disorder episode can manifest itself. Having just one little trigger can turn your emotions into a raging river. Episodes like these are the ones I am NEVER quite prepared for. They devour every part of my soul. I can only compare it to being in a drunken blackout. It is over by the time I realize what I have done.

I continued going from one thing to the next, throwing away whatever reminds me of something I dislike. Which is in many cases is myself. So pretty much everything in my path was not safe at that point. Things were torn, shredded, dragged away or broken into small bits for the dumpster. The old sofa was a challenge, but I succeeded if you want to call it that.

The trigger that started the spiral was when my psychiatric doctor basically told me he didn't know what to do to help me feel better. I had been having severe psychotic mania with a little bit of depression then right back into mixed/rapid cycling. Add a little bit of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. No, add alot. I was a rabid dog on a leash that didn't want to be tied down. He handed me a DVD on the affects of Clozaril. That being the last step if the 160mgs of Geodon, and 900mgs of Seroquel didn't offer some relief. He also suggested a hospital setting to get things under control, I however did not agree.

I was running out of options, and for him to tell me that, was daunting and sad. So his last resort is Clozaril and ECT treatments. I of course refused such a thing. My mother had them when she was younger, and I didn't relish the idea of my brains being scrambled eggs and pancakes. I thought there is always another way. There is always another medication. Bipolar Disorder is not the end of the world. But I felt I was being tossed aside by this doctor's attitude.

To the people who don't have a clue about what bipolar disorder is, I am just some crazy person acting like a spoiled brat. If only! I could explain being a snot nosed spoiled rotten brat, but to explain something so dark and twisted going on in my head is not such an easy explanation.

With some of the bipolar behaviors, we are nuts to the outside looking in. We often scare loved ones, friends and those who try to help. Strangers often believe we are hopelessly insane. When I am in a severe manic episode, no matter how many times I say stop to myself, the urge to keep going overwhelms my scrambled brain.

I became so enraged, I didn't know what to do with myself, I was exhausted from the rampage my apartment just took. So I took my anti-anxiety medication, shut the phone off and bolted the door. I stayed in my bed for three days.

Angry sleep is never a good thing. I hurt everywhere on my body and suffered a massive headache. I went from manic to depressed for 5 minutes and went right back into a mixed/rapid cycling nightmare. I am sick of craziness, I am tired of pulling around a wagon full of chaos. But I keep going because I want to live, and living with bipolar is how it is. Scrambled eggs and all.

Always In Thought
Always In Thought

Starting Over Is Not So Easy

Yes I want to live, and if that means with bipolar, then that is life. I have had to change how i do things. I have to make rules for myself and live by them if i want to have a life. A life as someone affected by bipolar. I have lost some things with all the medication. I often can't write because I can't think clearly, and this is where my anger appears to be coming from.

My bipolar rage resides squarely out front for all to see. A sad side-note: When my then eleven year-old nephew made me a sign, Do Not Disturb, my then thirteen year old niece said: "Life's not fair, but it's all good. I wish it was good for you". I need to empty my chaos wagon. I needed to find a way to chastise that rage. Keep the good and learn to package the bad so it doesn't do harm.

It's not like I can just BUY a new couch, dishes, books, DVDs and other stuff I am going to miss not having. For children to empathize this, is beyond their years. To understand my pain and embrace that to make me feel better.

They didn't have to do anything, but they did. They didn't SEE me in that crazy way, they just knew I was having a bad day, a bad bipolar episode day. Sleeping three days, not answering the phone, not calling anyone, they understood what was happening when all i could do is disappear to make it better.

I wish more people knew what these kids knew. The compassion, the empathy to want to do something to help. They abundantly share their love and hope that's enough. Bipolar Disorder can be an evil soul slayer. At times you become unknown to yourself. You pretend to be normal so the 'crazy' sign on your back doesn't mean anything. And then you wait, for that episode to go away, and you wait again, and hope it doesn't devour you.

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Comments 22 comments

crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 2 years ago from Washington MI Author

I am glad this works for you. I think it is something to look into. I do believe wellness is much more than just taking pills. For some it works and others not so much. I live in the middle of nowhere so MD's with that kind of knowledge and support is not going to be readily available to me. But will do some research and see how others have faired with the integrative approach. Thank you for reading and sharing your experience here.


Quasars 2 years ago

Hello,

Please consider an integrative approach.

NO EGGS

NO GRAINS Please read Grain Brain

NO DAIRY

No Nightshade Vegetables

Does that scare you off to make huge diet changes for a shot at a better quality of life? I work for a holistic medicine mental hospital in Chicago. I highly recommend googling terms like:

Leaky Gut

Celiac Diaease

Wheat Allergy test

Gluten and Bipolar (or ADHD or any other illness)

Casein opium test

Casein Bipolar anger *google it since it's tearing your life up.

Candida, pathogen, nutrient profile test

Hydrogen Peroxide Therapy.

Micro nutrient needs of some people EMPower Plus Advanced, True Hope

Salmon Oil *sorta helps with rage, 3x a day

Probiotics and leaky gut

fermented vegetables and leaky gut

Grains, gluten and bipolar disorder *google it

Celiac diet and brain disorders

Gluten in everything from stickers to seasoning mixes, to spices!

Leaky Gut gut healing Glutagenics *amazon\

Bioidentials (one of my last knots to get at, reading about this issue in depth is a must!) I don't have half my eyebrows and know it also plays a role in my brain health. I saw an integrative GYN in Skokie IL and he thinks is low testosterone but we are waiting on test results for that. Hormones are tricky and I took big pharms for a year with huge side effects. I decided this route and don't recommend it unless several months of reading on bioidenticals are done.

No one thing I use unraveled the knots of this multi symptom *brain disorder* (not mental illness, stop the blame like I did for years) Start picturing lifestyle changes, and integrative MD psychiatrist approaches. The only problem is big pharma only psychiatrists cut off patients that use integrative (not ND) integrative, test results MD methods because most psychiatrists are under marching orders of pharmaceuticals only! I used pharmaceuticals, and big pharma failed me. I had rage issues but don't as long as I'm off the casein, grains, and eggs, and nightshade vegetables and take my supplements three times a day (no long acting supplements). Eggs give me racing thoughts but a a lower level than casein.

Consider getting a thick skin because your favorite psychiatrist MD is likely to scoff at the idea will say things like "You can play that game till the cows come home" or "I will not be complicit." (Complicit to what a multivitamin, probiotics, and healthy diet changes. Well, I'll tell ya, the crazy cows don't come home anymore! I eat veggie soup for breakfast with lentils and gluten free boxed foods are really "crap" crutches to real foods. There is life after grains, dairy, and nightshade veggies; a wonderful life *with extra nutrients added!. The True Hope.com (I use it and get a family discount) is quite helpful for my nutrient needs as well as my kids. It's all within USRDA limits at 8 pills a day. Expensive yes but Q96 is the same EMPower for half price but I don't like MLM's and got True Hope to give me the same price as the MLM. I highly respect True Hope's help. I will never forget their help of my bipolar condition. True Hope isn't the only needed change I needed to make but they are instrumental in my life! I don't get paid a nickle to say that. Currently, I'm working on getting my BCBS PPO to pay for my EMPower Plus advanced but waiting on my kids celiac disease and casein tests to submit for other supplements to be covered. It's my medicine! Much, much, much cheaper than pharmaceuticals. Many will say that you can't get it paid for, even at BCBS, but keep chugging as it, and get the predeterminination form from BCBS and the perscription from the MD and submit it. The days of episodes that cost 70,000 dollars in mental hospital is OVER! That one is on this months bucket list. Wish me luck.

My doctor never helped me to integrate, and in the end left many of my symptoms NOT COVERED because there wasn't a pharmasudical what worked on my anxiety. I can't take a anti-depressant because they make me psychotic! So I was just left with my anxiety not covered, no referral to elsewhere, just left to live with it not covered. No anti-psychotic helped the anxiety either, it was aweful! This multi symptom disorder, labeled bipolar I is many many many knots. MD's openly say you are the one that is in charge of your care. Then they cut you off if you question diet. Why don't doctors know nutrition when it's the largest medicine (or poision) in my body? It's hard to find an Integrative psychiatriest MD but good ones exist. I like my doctor, Dr. Raden in Chicagoland, he's an MD that has been a psychiatrist for many years for kids through adults. He has helped my family very much! A huge difference comes to light as I continued care in his office. I see how much all my other psychiatrist visits were about information collecting of my struggles with casein and gluten, candida and micronutrient need. It's no longer about blah blah with a psychiatrist, it's like other doctor visits that look for a CAUSE of symptoms! It's about your gut health; like a chemistry biology class. It blew my mind to get the tests and start listening to **problem solving** what seemed like an endless life of being a slave to 'mental mood problems' is over through lifestyle changes. The blame game of blaming the 'mentally ill patient' to take it's psychotropics (mimicing drugs of natural substances!) for symptoms is going to come to an end. Bipolar symptoms is a brain disorder CAUSED by something or many things and it's solvable through a huge journey of learning and finally practicing it in life. Remember, information is power!

cheers to ACV and with much love. You are not alone and don't have to live the way you wrote about!

Hello,

Please consider an integrative approach.

NO EGGS

NO GRAINS Please read Grain Brain

NO DAIRY

No Nightshade Vegetables

Does that scare you off to make huge diet changes for a shot at a better quality of life? I work for a holistic medicine mental hospital in Chicago. I highly recommend googling terms like:

Leaky Gut

Celiac Diaease

Wheat Allergy test

Gluten and Bipolar (or ADHD or any other illness)

Casein opium test

Casein Bipolar anger *google it since it's tearing your life up.

Candida, pathogen, nutrient profile test

Hydrogen Peroxide Therapy.

Micro nutrient needs of some people EMPower Plus Advanced, True Hope

Salmon Oil *sorta helps with rage, 3x a day

Probiotics and leaky gut

fermented vegetables and leaky gut

Grains, gluten and bipolar disorder *google it

Celiac diet and brain disorders

Gluten in everything from stickers to seasoning mixes, to spices!

Leaky Gut gut healing Glutagenics *amazon\

Bioidenticals (one of my last knots to get at, reading about this issue in depth is a must!) I don't have half my eyebrows and know it also plays a role in my brain health. I saw an integrative GYN in Skokie IL and he thinks it is low testosterone but we are waiting on test results for that. Hormones are tricky and I took big pharmas for a year with huge side effects. I decided this route and don't recommend it unless several months of reading on bioidenticals are done.

No one thing I use unraveled the knots of this multi symptom *brain disorder* (not mental illness, stop the blame like I did for years) Start picturing lifestyle changes, and integrative MD psychiatrist approaches. The only problem is big-pharma-only psychiatrists cut off patients that use integrative (not ND) integrative, test results MD methods because most psychiatrists are under marching orders to use only pharmaceuticals! I used pharmaceuticals, and big pharma failed me. I had rage issues but don't as long as I'm off the casein, grains, and eggs, and nightshade vegetables and take my supplements three times a day (no long acting supplements). Eggs give me racing thoughts but at a lower level than casein.

Consider getting a thick skin because your favorite psychiatrist MD is likely to scoff at the idea will say things like "You can play that game till the cows come home" or "I will not be complicit." (Complicit to what a multivitamin, probiotics, and healthy diet changes. Well, I'll tell ya, the crazy co


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 3 years ago from Washington MI Author

Hi Katerina, I send hugs right back to you. It is a difficult journey.I have periods of stability. I think your fiancé has a true allie in you. he has someone that embraces what it can mean for those afflicted with bipolar. I am proud of you for being such a caring and commpassionate person. we need more like you. As of this writing I am doing fairly well. In the middle of some med changes but doing okay. I only hope someday there is a treatment that is much easier than the trials of medications we must venture through to find a balance. I thank you so much for caring words and genuine comments. I wish you and your fiancé the very best of days.


katerina1623 3 years ago

Your post brought me to tears and I want to reach through my screen to give you a hug. I cannot claim to understand your pain fully because I do not suffer from this terrible illness but I can empathize because my fiancé does and has battled it intensely for the last ten years.

I see that this post was made three years ago and I sincerely hope that things have improved for you, but I have witnessed first hand how long this journey is so I doubt my words of support will be misplaced.

I wish I had a solution or suggestions to offer but since it was my own desperation that brought me to your posting, I do not. But i can offer that you are not alone. You describe so well what it means to live in that prison and I hope more people read your words and truly try to understand the pain that you live with daily. Just reading the comments, I can see others that have connected to you (even if just momentarily) and there is something special and important about that. I hope that it gives you a bit of strength. I wish you well and my heart goes out to you. Take the best care of yourself that you can. I keep hoping that we will find something that will restore my fiance's life and I hope that for you as well.


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 3 years ago from Washington MI Author

Really? I eat eggs several times a week and notice no difference in my OCD or my bipolar. but if it works for you that is great.


bob 3 years ago

i have recently found that eating eggs has a profound and benficial effect on my ocd symptoms. my dad was bipolar and im sure i have a bit of that in me too, ive had one manic episode. but as i say eating 1 or 2 eggs seem to help me with my problems


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 5 years ago from Washington MI Author

Believe me I I think about ECT every single day. Just have a hge fear...Regardless how far we have come it worries me about memory loss as I loss enough with the anti psychotics that ruined my memory. But it is on my mind as a consideration.


luuucifer 5 years ago

I don't think you're spoiled or a brat or any combination of the two. I think you're the victim of the limits of modern medicine. They can't do much for us. That being said, ect is different now as compared to when your mom had it. Maybe one go at it might make you feel more at easy. If it makes you feel terrible then stop. One thing I always try to remember is that I am fucked up. Sometimes I may not make the best choices and if I trust someone else it might be okay to just try out their advice. Sometimes it can help.


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 5 years ago from Washington MI Author

Thank you Lorraine for your insight. It is often troubling when people do not understand or don't even attempt to grasp what a world of mental illness may be like. I truly believe in don't judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes. I appreciate your comments greatly. Thank you.


Lorraine Kashdan profile image

Lorraine Kashdan 5 years ago from Canterbury

Wow, thanks for sharing, how brave. It's impossible for anyone to understand any condition unless they have experienced it but you describe this so well and with such openness. I think the more open people can be about these conditions the more other people can start to understand, like the comment you made about how small the trigger for an episode can be and how little you remember. Thanks for sharing.


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

Oh seakay you are so right. During these episodes your blind to the darkness of it all. It is the debris left after the chaos.I am doing better these days. I keep pretty good track of all my moods. Some I can articulate well and others I cannot. Thank you for reading and caring. It is very generous of you, I appreciate more than you can know.

Boo :)


seakay 6 years ago

Is think the worst part is the aftermath of the episodes. While it is happening, you can't stop. However, when it is over, sometimes you're not even sure it happened (except for the evidence left behind. Try to hang on.


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

lambservant thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here with me. I can't tell you how many jobs I have lost due to my illness. Because of rage, or not being able to get out of bed. Insanity. There is much self-loathing because of there is so much stigma, hopefully one day people one day people will have a better understanding of mental illness.


lambservant profile image

lambservant 6 years ago from Pacific Northwest

I am so glad you wrote down your feelings on this hub. It will help others who do not have bipolar to understand in a way, what goes on in our hearts and minds when we are having bad days. I hope it was in some way helpful to you to express your feelings. I think the mixed moods are the worst and most dangerous for me. I have bipolar 2, so I am rarely fully manic. They call it hypomania and most often results in high frenetic activity, thought, and talking. It is a wonderful, and in the beginning, productive time, until I start to go over the edge. On a few occasions I have had the rage thing, although never destroyed anything. I went into a rage one night at work (worked in a deli at a grocery store), and screamed and yelled at one girl, throwing her into absolute fear and tears, then went across the store and raged at her friend who is also a good friend of mine. It was terrifying for me to have no control. I thought in my mind when it was happening, I have to calm down, I cannot behave this way. But the rage was like a volcano. No one can stop a volcano. I could not control myself. The second girl and I did not talk for a while, although I apologized profusely. I think it was more out of fear than being mad. But when we made up, and I was able to share my illness with her, our relationship is now closer than ever. I am very thankful there were no customers or managers nearby when I went off. I eventually lost my job there due to my illness causing me to not perform up to par. The greatest problem for me has been the lows combined with serious anxiety (which I think are mixed moods). Bipolar 2 manifests more predominantly in the depression. And the lows for me are life threatening. Biplar sucks! It's a horrible, nightmare when the symptoms are not in control. Nothing can be more contributing to self-loathing, guilt, shame, and embarrasement. And it doesn't help that most people don't understand, don't have a clue what mental illness is all about. My heart goes out to you sister. Know you are loved by your sister and brother sufferers, and for the few in society, who care to make an effort to understand. God bless you, and you will be in my prayers.


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

When I have those rages it is usually pretty impulsive. I have destroyed some pretty expensive things that were given to me, and can't be replaced. I have beat myself up over it for years.

I think the idea is to see it coming and take steps to direct that rage someplace else. I am not sure what throwing things away signifies, but when it happens the urge is great.


Suiiki profile image

Suiiki 6 years ago from City of the Newly Wed and Nearly Dead

I know exactly how you feel. I go through bad episodes like this regularly because I have no health care right now and cannot afford to be medicated without it. Recently I destroyed my entire computer account on our computer, which indluded deleting all my files. I had about five seasons of classic Dr. Who, two years worth of photos from my family in Ohio, and my not-quite-half-finished novel stored on the computer. Luckily the Dr. Who episodes could be replaced and I had backups of the photos and the novel...explaining these things to my wife is the hard part. She doesn't understand and feels like she "is being abused by a three year old." In a way I suppose she is, but it's not something I can control at the moment, as much as I try.

For now we have the throwing things issue under control for the most part but things still get destroyed occasionally and after a meltdown, I can be in a daze for hours after, which is a dangerous place to be if my wife falls asleep before I do. (Just the other day I had a meltdown, and in the dazed state I was in after, I tried to cook. The result was a kitchen fire that caused us to have to evacuate for several hours due to smoke.)


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

Hi Chris,

I hope you are doing better. I so get those rages, and I have destroyed things that can't be replaced as well. What always made me feel bad afterwards was trying to explain what happened to the things I ruined.

I really hate when someone takes the time to point out a grammar error. It's like you either liked the article or you didn't. I am sorry that it upset you so much. But again I understand. People can be morons. As if the person who corrected you is perfect. I don't think so. It happens, even if you went over it a hundred times, you sometimes miss that one little error.

That person sounds like they just want to be hurtful. The heck with them. And yes even something like that can trigger you if your already heading in that direction.

Don't let some nitwit ruin your joy. You made front page for a reason. Because you write well. That is awesome! Keep up the great work.

Boo :)


christalluna1124 profile image

christalluna1124 6 years ago from Dallas Texas

D,

I know exactly what you mean. In this particular weeks episode of being out of control, I destroyed a grandfather clock that cost me about $500.00, a painting that was a collectors until I shredded it about $4000.00 dollars. I broke my complete procelain collection of dolls, and proceeded to tell everyone where to get off. The Trigger" an article that I wrote for examiner that got front page on that site, and someone had to piss in my cornflakes and say great but you need to learn to spell check". That was all it took. When I am on the rollercoaster,way up there as I am now, I am very productive. I am usually an excellent speller and very concise in fact checking. But when I am in this stage a typo here and there may slip by me. I try to re-check my articles when I am "Normal" HAHA. Whatever that is. It's somewhere I visit sometimes but rarely live. I have been stable for over 10 and 1/2 years and stick faithfully to my medical regime including counseling when I feel I need it. But the article making front page on the site was a great accomplishment for me that someone had to just pick apart. You will always have bad days too, even with meds. Hang in there and contact me through my private email if you just need to talk or whatever,

Happy Holidays & Warmest regards,

Chris


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

That is exactly what it feels like, with the severe episodes it is hard to retain my exact movements, I have to go with what others have observed. Thank you for commenting :D


OSun 6 years ago

Out of body experience...trance...that is exactly what it seems to be. I understand. -OSun


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI Author

Thank you. It's people like you we need on our side. Those willing to at least take a look at how hard life can be with a mental illness.Regardless if you understand or not you are willing to learn about the tribulations it takes to conduct a day to day life. Your support means a lot to me.

Boo:)


reeltaulk 6 years ago

Wow.....in a nutshell you have expressed yourself very well. Even though I cannot relate, I understand your pain, I wont act as though I have an answer to solve this problem but I do hope that you will receive the unconditional love needed to remove this demon.......best wishes and I sincerely mean that! ciao

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