to begin with, iman#@%$, you are NOT an idiot, a piece of shit, a crybaby, or god forbid, a girl! You're in a lot of pain and you're not alone. A lot of great people have come back from the crossroad where you are, by doing exactly as you are doing: admitting you are powerless over a disease that is cunning, baffling and powerful. You're crying "uncle" and asking for help. It may take awhile and you might slip a time or two, but you're on you're way.
Next step: get to an AA/NA meeting where other people are or have been where you are. click here to find a meeting near you: http://www.aa.org/lang/en/meeting_finder.cfm?origp... for AA or http://www.na.org/ for Narcotics Anonymous. For now, it doesn't matter which one. You might feel more comfortable at NA though. Or find a phone # on the site and call someone. They'll be glad to talk to you. It helps them to help you.
Addiction is called a sacred disease because it brings a person to their knees, and humble before a higher power who does care. Most people don't get that opportunity! God bless you.