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Anyone Please.....how do I deal with the loss of my sibling?

  1. Cardisa profile image91
    Cardisaposted 4 years ago

    I am trying to be strong. Trying to be normal. Trying to do things normally....

    Anyone out there lost a sibling could tell me how you handled it? How do you not lose your mind?

    Please help me.......................

    1. peeples profile image89
      peeplesposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      I haven't lost a sibling to death. But I have lost my parents. They are not dead but I have not seen them in 14 years, I was 15. I know it's not the same but when it comes down to it you just have to go through the process. Stop ignoring the feelings and have them no matter how much they hurt. It's the only way to get through a loss. If you ignore it then it will just show back up later. Not to make light of your situation but it's like a telemarketer. You can keep ignoring the calls all you want but they will keep calling.
      For just a day, Stop being strong, stop being normal, and stop trying to do things normally. Cry, feel sad, make a picture album, write a hub about them, spend your day thinking about how much you miss them. If you wake up the next day and still don't feel any better have another day of not being strong. Remember that there is nothing you can do to change it. I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry I can't be more helpful! It will get better in time!

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you. Everyone around expects me to be strong. I feel it more when I am alone. I am lost.

        1. Sherry Hewins profile image95
          Sherry Hewinsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          It doesn't sound like you have the support you need. I absolutely agree with peeples, you need to allow yourself to grieve, and people should not expect you to "fake it" by acting strong. You just go ahead and cry as much as you need to.

        2. Nell Rose profile image90
          Nell Roseposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          Hi Carolee, I am so sorry this has happened, what a terrible shock. you will go through so many emotions, just let them out and run their course. I haven't lost a brother, but I did lose my mum and dad and best friend. Anger, pain hurt all these will make you feel so bad for a while, but it does get better believe me it does. I am sending you lots of love and a big hug, I wish we could do more.

          1. Cardisa profile image91
            Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            Thanks Nell. The anger and shock are making me feel so confused and weird. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.

            1. Nell Rose profile image90
              Nell Roseposted 4 years ago in reply to this

              I know sweety, just try and take deep breaths and calm your body even if your mind is in a turmoil.

    2. Sherry Hewins profile image95
      Sherry Hewinsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      I'm so sorry for your loss, there's really just no easy answer. My brother has been dead for 15 years, he was only 33. It leaves a hole in your life forever, but after a while you learn to live with it. At the beginning I think talking about him and sharing grief and being with others who loved him was helpful, and he seemed so close, like he'd just stepped into the next room. But after the funeral was over, and everyone went home, it seemed like he'd slipped further away too. There's just no way to hold on to someone once they've left this world. Hold them in your heart and cherish them, never forget, but gradually you will let them go.

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you Sherry.

    3. IzzyM profile image84
      IzzyMposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Oh sweetheart, there is nothing anyone can say to make it all better for you.

      I have now lost both my siblings, one in a fishing accident when he was just 18, and the other to heart attack when he was 49, and yes it is extremely painful, especially the first time.

      Cry and cry and talk about him or her with family or friends for as long as you want to. It will hurt really badly, but gradually the pain will subside. You will find that from finding minutes in the day when it is not the foremost thing on your mind, it will stretch to hours, if not to days.

      Time is a great healer.

      Maybe in  year or two's time you will feel the pain lessen, as acceptance sets in. Then you can remember the good times without tears.

      (((((Cardisa)))) Big hugs girl!

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Izzy my brother was a fisherman as well. He was killed while at sea. He was murdered........That's what hurts the most. How could someone do that to my brother?

        1. IzzyM profile image84
          IzzyMposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          I don't know if you were here on the forums when my nephew was murdered, so yes I have some idea of what you are going through.

          He was a merchant sea-man, and was murdered in the Philippines while his ship was on a stopover.

          Just 20 odd years old with his whole life in front of him.

          The guy who did it was sentenced to 10 years minimum imprisonment last week.
          http://www.scotsman.com/news/scottish-n … -1-2371965

          He ruined his own life too, in one careless moment when he took a knife to another human being.

          I lost yet another nephew to murder a few years ago. Just 18, he was kicked to death in a gang attack.

          This is going to be long road for you.

          When it is an accident, everything follows smoothly - the funeral - then a slow recovery.

          My fisherman brother was lost at sea, so there was no funeral, but eventually we had a remembrance service.

          But when it is murder, the coroner doesn't release the body for weeks or sometimes months and everything drags on and on, making the pain so much worse.

          Then when you finally get the funeral over and done with, there is the trial, assuming they know of or find the accused.

          No-one expects you to act as normal during this horrendous time, and anytime, feel free to come to the forums to talk about it, or even email me.

          You are not alone. I feel your pain.

          1. Cardisa profile image91
            Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            Thanks Izzy. There is so much surrounding the death of my brother and maybe there wont be any funeral as well as he was murdered while fishing in Haiti waters, which is illegal. The Haitian authorities have held the two fishermen who were fishing with him and have his body as well. He was killed by Haitians and we can't get any answers.

            The two colleagues are in jail under arrest.

            1. IzzyM profile image84
              IzzyMposted 4 years ago in reply to this

              Please feel free to give us more details.

              The Haitian authorities have his body? Surely they must release it to the family for burial?
              On the other hand, in my part of the world, they hang on to the bodies of murder victims, to give the accused's defence a chance to prepare their legal defence, because of course once someone is buried, they can't carry out further tests that may release their client.
              I am sorry to sound so cold, but that is how the legal system works.
              It is the hardest thing in the world to think of your brother as just 'the body'. You want to scream and shout 'that is not 'the body', that is my brother!"

              He is in a better place, I am sure of it.
              That is the only comfort you can have. He now has no worries, no pain, no distress. He has left his physical body, so don't torture yourself over it.

              Is there anything we can do to force or encourage the Haitian authorities to talk to your family?

              We're a mouthy bunch when we get going. Just look at the forums here!

              1. Cardisa profile image91
                Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

                Sorry I missed this thread Izzy.

                We have been getting so many different stories, I am so confused. Haiti is a scary place and we don't want to start messing around until we fully understand what's going on. I don't think they have a suspect yet and it seems that they are accusing the fishermen of something, I am not sure what it is yet but the other tow men are still in jail. We are trying to get answers but if they are not forthcoming we will have ot let our Ministry of Foreign Affairs deal with it.

                1. IzzyM profile image84
                  IzzyMposted 4 years ago in reply to this

                  It sounds like your family needs an intermediary. Thought about getting a lawyer? That sticks in my throat to even suggest it (I don't like lawyers), but they may have a place here to keep you, the family, informed of what is going on. I am glad your embassy have got involved, but you really need a family liaison person.

                  1. Cardisa profile image91
                    Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

                    Thanks Izzy, I'll suggest that to the other family member even though I know they hate lawyers as well...lol

        2. 0
          kimberlyslyricsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          Sista,
          OMG haven't been here and had no idea.  The f@cker should be killed who took your brother.  I don't pretend to know about anything but maybe your brother isn't gone and is very much with you.  Believe whatever comes to your heart, allow your feelings and to begin to heal girl, write.  Use that pen to purge all the emotions pulling at you and please remember how much you are loved.  What was his name?  I need his name.

          You need to give yourself permission to not understand and feel as you will, crazy or not

          love you

          1. Cardisa profile image91
            Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            Thanks Kimmy. Missed you lots. I am writing a little, trying not to go crazy with what I am feeling and waiting for answers. My brother's name is Chester Strachan.

    4. Anna Marie Bowman profile image93
      Anna Marie Bowmanposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Several years ago, I lost my little sister.  She was only 18 when she passed away.  It is hard to deal with.  Even after almost seven years, I still find it hard.  There are times when I still cry, times when I smile, and times when I just don't want to deal with the feelings.  It is one of the hardest things to deal with, aside from loosing a child.  I have had to deal with both. 

      The best advice I can give you is to talk about it.  I know it will be hard at first, but it gets easier with time.  Share your story, share what you loved about your sibling, share cherished memories you have of them.  Don't try to bury your feelings.  Each day does get a little bit better than the last, I promise you this.  At first, it feels as if you will never get over the brokenness you feel, but one day, you will find yourself feeling a little more normal, and doing normal things without feeling like your world has fallen apart.  It does get better, it just takes time.  I wish I could give you better advice, but I hope this helps you in some way.

      My deepest sympathies, from someone who has been there.

      1. IzzyM profile image84
        IzzyMposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        +1

        You said it beautifully.
        And I am sorry too for your loss.

      2. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you Anna, I reading about the loss of so many loved ones in this forum breaks my heart but it also helps me connect with you. Thank you.

        You too IzzyM. I really appreciate you being here and telling your painful story as well.

    5. moonlake profile image88
      moonlakeposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      So very sorry for your great loss. My prayers are with you.

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Thanks Moonlake.

        1. EuroCafeAuLait profile image90
          EuroCafeAuLaitposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          My sympathy and prayers are with you, Cardisa.  So sorry for your loss.  Courage, the pain will gradually lessen with time.  I'm sure he feels your love and support now and always.  Love is forever, you know.  Hang in there.

    6. Druid Dude profile image61
      Druid Dudeposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Lost my sister very unexpectedly in '06. I think about her all the time. Your sibling would want you to be happy...that's about all I can say. Peace

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Thanks Druid Dude, that means a lot.

    7. cloverleaffarm profile image80
      cloverleaffarmposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      I am sorry for your loss. I lost both my siblings, and they were very young (one was 23, and the other 32). I remember just crying, and crying. You could try doing a journal about it all. I remember that helped me. It's been many years for me, but I still think of them all the time.
      Be well, and blessings.

    8. sen.sush23 profile image60
      sen.sush23posted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Carolee, I am so sorry to hear of it. I just don't know how to console you. I have had this experience, but it was a very dear cousin.

      I can only say that grief is not to be controlled. Do not try to be strong, break down and cry if your heart wants it. Scream and give expression to the dead weight in your heart. Also, think of all the good time you spent together. Talk aloud of those times, talk aloud of any repentance you may have, like 'why did I not go to that picnic last summer with you? Then I would have had some more time to think of'. If you are loosing control, then stay close to family and friends.

      There is no way to come out of it easily, except to gradually accept the inevitability of death.

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you Sen.sush, I really am grateful for your advice. I am taking serious all the suggestions I have gotten so far. Thanks again.

    9. Kaili Bisson profile image96
      Kaili Bissonposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Oh Cardisa, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss, especially under such awful circumstances. While you are trying to be strong for others, please remember to be gentle with yourself. Your mind and body are going through an awful shock, so let yourself...be.
      I hope that you and your family find the answers you deserve and so desperately need so that you can eventually find peace. Sending you hugs.

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you Kalli. Thank you so much.

    10. snakeslane profile image82
      snakeslaneposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Dear Cardisa, I am so sorry about your brother. I lost my brother 5 months ago. We were a year apart in age. I was able to feel some closure through dealing with his end of life affairs. There was so much activity around doing these things. I think it helps to have something to 'do'.
      My heart goes out to you and your family, held hostage by the complications of dealing with a foreign country. Is there any way to get the news media involved? Often media attention moves things along when other avenues are blocked. I hope you find the assistance you need to bring your brother home.
      Big hug, snakeslane

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Hi Snakelslane, it's getting more complicated by the minute. I am more confused now more than ever. I am sorry about your brother as well. This is so hard.

    11. TIMETRAVELER2 profile image95
      TIMETRAVELER2posted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Cardisa: I have lost both parents as well as a husband, so I understand your feelings.  Most people don't understand that grieving involves physical as well as mental pain.  I found in my worst moments that playing music and keeping busy helped me to cope.  For some, grieving groups work...they did not work for me.  The best thing you can do is live...live for both of you.  Your sister would not want you to be sad because she passed on.  She would want you to go on and live a happy life.  If you do this, you honor her...and you also honor yourself.  My prayers are with you.

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you Timetraveler2. I am sorry about your pain as well. I don't know about the group thing but I am trying to keep writing. I browse HP to help take my mind off stuff. Thanks you.

    12. Jean Bakula profile image97
      Jean Bakulaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Dear Cardisa,
      I recently got that phone call I never wanted to get, though my brother is bipolar, drug addicted, and always had trouble with the law. I can't find a body, but it is strongly suspected he has passed. The first week was the worst, I was shaking so hard, hearing coroners call my little brother (because he will always be that, nobody can take that from me) a John Doe. At times the pain is unbearable. Then I feel OK for an hour or so. I tell myself it isn't really unexpected because of his transient lifestyle. Then I recall something we did or he said, and I'm a mess. I think you just have to take it not day by day, but hour by hour. Little by little, your thoughts will have to return to normal daily things that must be done. Give yourself time to grieve, and not on somebody else's time table. People will try to comfort you and make you feel worse by discussing every loss they ever had. They mean well, but avoid them if you must. Take comfort in whatever your relgious beliefs or non religious are, and there are people at church or support groups to help people get through these awful times. I've had much loss in my life, and you really will heal little by little with time, and be able to smile about him. Writing is one of your strengths, maybe write about him. I've been writing too, but not about my loss either. Take good care of yourself.

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        I am so sorry about your loss as well Jean. Sometimes i feel so bad that I can't find the words to comfort someone else that have through this. My mind sometimes feel like a blur. It's been two days since I feel like I can do something other than stay in bed all day so I made up my mind to stay by the computer. I get up from my desk and I fall apart as I feel useless like I am letting him down. Thank you for taking the time to lend your support.

        1. Jean Bakula profile image97
          Jean Bakulaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          It's no trouble, I follow your hubs and had to say something when I saw what you wrote. That shaky feeling will come and go for a week or so. Try to eat well, take vitamins, and baby yourself as much as you can. And I think the support of the rest of the family is good. My brother is/was 10 yrs. younger than I, so when I met my now husband, he was only 8 years old. He loves him like a brother, and my son loves his Uncle. So I am grateful for their support, I realize they have been very careful with words and are staying close to me. It's been 10 days for me, so I'm doing more normal stuff now, but still cry at oddball times. Exercise or activity helps when you feel up to it, it breaks up the tension. I usually meditate, and have in the last 2 days, but earlier I just sat shaking and couldn't focus. Don't rush yourself.

    13. ALUR profile image68
      ALURposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      All I can say is there is no one that can help you through this, but there are many that can lead you to sanctuary with love, grace and patience: all of which you must be with yourself. I don't know what I would do if I lost my sibling. It's too much to bear initially I imagine, but I can tell you that there is prayer for those that move on: they hear you every step you make and call out to them. That is reassuring.

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you for you kind and wise words Alur.

    14. Victoria Lynn profile image89
      Victoria Lynnposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Cardisa, I had heard that your brother died. I am so glad that you posted this as I've wondered how you are doing. I CANNOT even imagine losing one of my brothers, and I hope it doesn't happen for a long time. I wish I could help you in your pain. Just know I'm around and thinking of you. It looks like there are some people here with similar experiences that hopefully will be comforting to you. Hang in there, Cardisa. I can't blame you for feeling alone and lost. I'm afraid I might feel that way, too.

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Hi Vicki, thank you! It is so comforting to see you here.

        Just last night I dreamed that we got news that one of my other brothers was killed by mistaken identity. I have been having nightmares and don't sleep very well.

        1. Victoria Lynn profile image89
          Victoria Lynnposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          I'm sorry, Cardisa, that you can't sleep. The nightmares must be awful. I can't even imagine. I hope you are finding comfort somewhere. This must be so, so hard.

    15. einron profile image82
      einronposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      If you are a Christian you will be able to deal with loss of a sibling easier..  We understand that life comes from God.  Life is in His hands "seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things (Acts 17:25).  If we
      want to live longer, we can honour our parents

      Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee (Exodus 20:12) .

      Only God can prolong life.

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you Einron. Your words are well received.

    16. AEvans profile image71
      AEvansposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Cardisa,

      My heart is with you. I did not know this question was two weeks ago. I have suffered loss and can only say, there isn't anyway to deal with loss. All just takes time and its all about your time and nobody else's. If you want to cry, than cry. If you are angry, shout!  Write your thoughts, feelings, emotions all that you feel down and reflect later on. Write memories and keep them close; but take care of yourself and God will take care of the rest. ((( Big Hugs))) my heart and prayers are with you and your family.

  2. wilderness profile image96
    wildernessposted 4 years ago

    I know it may be too early, but..

    When my father left us a few years ago I and my siblings each wrote a short (1 or 2 page) note of our favorite memories of him, both from long past and from times closer to his death.  Who and what he was, what he meant to us, what he did for us as children - that sort of thing. 

    They were all compiled into a "book", along with the report from one sister that was present the last few days and some momentos from his army days and such and copied - one for each of us and one for Mom.

    I know it helped me, just to remember, to bring him back for a few minutes as I wrote that short report of my own memories, and it helped to read the others.  That little book is something I value highly today.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thanks Wilderness, that sounds like something to do. Will certainly consider doing it.

  3. Marcy Goodfleisch profile image94
    Marcy Goodfleischposted 4 years ago

    I'm so sorry, Cardisa - I've not yet lost a sibling personally, but I'm so very aware of how important they are to me and how much I love them. A dear friend of mine lost her sister, and I recall her deep grief.  Siblings are our closest blood relatives - they share exactly the same ancestry and physical heritage we do.  Unlike spouses or even children, who come along later in life, we share our formative years and experiences with them.  Unlike our parents, our siblings are our closest childhood playmates, our peer role models from birth (siblings teach each other to walk, talk and go to the bathroom), and are privy to our deepest hurts and joys.  It is a closeness different from all others. 

    I'm sending you prayers and hugs - you have a right to every feeling you are experiencing - what an incredibly deep loss.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thanks Marcy, you are right. He is my eldest sibling and brother. My Mom is also in grief as well. He has taught me so many things. For him to go like that is so unfair.

  4. The Suburban Poet profile image81
    The Suburban Poetposted 4 years ago

    I am deeply saddened by this Cardisa... your anguish is difficult to fathom. All I can say is that I'm sure your brother does not wish his fate to become yours. I truly believe in the power of healing but you must give it time and yes it may be dark for some time. You have my prayers and remember him not for death but for life. Think of how he would ask you to live your life and be who you can be; maybe in your destiny there is now something you can do that will honor him. But remember those who live around you and who love you as you love him. They will die another death if you cannot rise....

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      That you Surburban Poet, I really appreciate the motivation.

      1. The Suburban Poet profile image81
        The Suburban Poetposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        It's ok to grieve and be sad... it is the time for that and you must allow it to happen to you because there is no other way to live except to accept what is real and not deny your love for him. I hope you can do it. I will be thinking of you...

        1. Cardisa profile image91
          Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          Thank you. I am trying not to be depressed but it's hard. I feel like shutting myself away yet when I am alone I want to just SCREAM!

          1. Nell Rose profile image90
            Nell Roseposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            When did this happen? was it today? I wish I could just hug you right now, I am so so sorry.

            1. Cardisa profile image91
              Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

              Saturday June 23, a week ago.

          2. The Suburban Poet profile image81
            The Suburban Poetposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            If I may speak to you this way I feel you shouldn't try to do anything now that is in opposition to dark feelings. Screaming is needed. Find a lonely spot on the beach and let it out. Scream in the shower. It's cleansing to a certain extent. But if you feel that you cannot live then you must seek the help needed to perservere because if you look back on your life; you will see that you are a healthy person who is now faced with trauma. And in your past you can see that you are prepared to face this and then live again. It may be that you are now changing permanently because what has happened to you is traumatic. Many of us live without a transforming event in our lives but you have it now. So this is the time of extreme emotion and in that you can see who you are.... I know it is difficult because your mother is surely suffering more than anyone can ever know and she needs her children now... you can give that to her but take the time for yourself too and remember that whatever you are feeling is normal for an extreme situation.

            1. Cardisa profile image91
              Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

              Thank you Suburban Poet.

  5. LuisEGonzalez profile image82
    LuisEGonzalezposted 4 years ago

    I won't even try to comprehend what you are going through, but please accept my heartfelt condolences and for what it is worth, I will pray for his soul and for your inner peace.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hi Luis, it means a lot to me to have your support and prayers.

  6. LuisEGonzalez profile image82
    LuisEGonzalezposted 4 years ago

    I have gotten to know you and enjoyed your humor and carefree spirit. I thank HubPages for having allowed me the opportunity and honor of meeting someone like yourself. I am humbled by your friendship and keeping you and yours in my prayers is highly insufficient when compared to the warmth you have brought me.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Oh Luis, you don't know how much that means to me. I really am happy to have met you here as well. Thanks for being my friend.

  7. mary615 profile image94
    mary615posted 4 years ago

    Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss.  I'm at the age where I have lost near and dear family and friends.  It doesn't get any easier, but I have found that by talking about the event (as you are here) helps a lot.  I also think writing helps.  Maybe you should write about what you are feeling.  It doesn't have to be a public writing, but it just would do you good, I think, to express what you are going through.
    You have a lot of friends here, and we all are thinking of you, and hope your heart heals.  My husband died in 1988, and I still can't talk about him without crying.  The pain is still there, and I don't think it ever goes away completely.  We just live with it.
    God bless you, my friend.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thanks Mary. I tried to write something last night but I think it's too soon but I definitely will. Thanks for sharing your experience with me, I am sorry you lost your spouse.

  8. Michael Willis profile image78
    Michael Willisposted 4 years ago

    Sorry for your loss Cardisa. When I lost my sister, I thought the emptiness would swallow me up. She was 13 months and 2 days younger. We were always very close, even as teenagers!
    Everyone thought we should have been twins from our connection. We knew when the other was having problems without words. We always had a sense to know what the other was going through.
    This Thanksgiving will be 10 years since her passing. The hurt and loss comes back each Thanksgiving, but with just a little less hurt each year.
    Every person has their own time frame needed to mourn. Do not let anyone rush you into acceptance. Use your own pace.

    Time does help. There will come a time when you will be able to talk about your sibling with joy in your heart and voice again. The good times you shared with each other will bring you peace.

    There will still be those moments of loss to endure, but try to bring up the happy moments when this occurs.

    I will have times when I will find an alone space to just remember my sister. I still miss her tremendously, but I always know what she would have said or done. This does help.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you Michael, it must still hurt thinking about your sister. All my brothers and I are pretty close and he is the eldest. I never imagined he would go this way. It would have been easier to bear if he had been sick and his departure was expected but to be taken away so suddenly leaves a shock I never felt before.

  9. Healthy Pursuits profile image88
    Healthy Pursuitsposted 4 years ago

    Oh, Cardisa,
    I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I do know what you're feeling. My father died suddenly as a young man when I was 12, and my brother died suddenly about 10 years ago from the same heart condition.  About twenty years ago, I also lost my beautiful 18 year old niece to a rapist who also murdered her. (He was finally located about 5 years ago by DNA.)

    I can only tell you three things.

    The first is to feel what you need to feel. It'll be almost unbearable at times, but you'll be in more trouble for a longer period of time if you try to stuff it down and deny it. Let those tears flow. Sob your heart out as many times as you need to.

    You're stronger than you think you are. I was reminded of that with the last death, and even though I had already survived the other deaths, it helped me to remind myself of it. I posted it on my bathroom mirror until I didn't need it anymore.

    Use your skills as a writer. Keep a journal and write out what you need to write out, over and over, as many times and days as you feel the need to repeat yourself. For some reason, you will feel some relief sooner by purging yourself in writing. I'm sure that part of it is that you can say whatever you want as many times as you want and you don't have to worry about your audience.

    It will also be good for you to have a little ceremony when you've filled one journal and started another. Burn the first one if you want. That helps, too. It's like the grief somehow goes up into the air or turns to ash along with the journal. Of course, it doesn't go away, but every little gesture of letting go helps.

    I'm sending you a huge hug, and will send many more over the next weeks. Remember, you are stronger than you think you are.

    I know that we're strangers, but if knowing that I've been through this and will recognize what you're going through makes you want to contact me for support, please feel free to do that.
    All my best to you,
    Karla

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hi Karla, I don't feel like we are strangers. I always feel a special connection to the people I interact with on HP and you sharing your experience makes me feel a bit more connected. Thank you for sharing and thank you for the advice. I will try the journal thing. A lot of people have been telling me to write what I am feeling so I will try.

  10. shara63 profile image70
    shara63posted 4 years ago

    Dear cardisa I'm so sorry about your loss that is really irrepairable and I know that no one and no words can console you at this moment..one who has experienced this can feel it better...yes, me too have experiend this tragedy few years back when i lost my elder brother and in the very same manner...yes he was murdered by his own so called friends...we cud do nothing except mourning our loss in our hearts...and the time consoled us in its own way in due courses, sometimes by showing others loss and sometimes by giving lot of happiness in several ways. My mom proved a brave lady that moment, who not only stood firm by her belief consoling herself but consoled us too with the words " one who has come to this world has to go back one day..and the life span, only God knows how long it will be...some live for long and some has to complete it in short time and the reason behind all that happens, knows no-one but GOD!  I know the void is for ever and my words will be short to your solace but I pray to God to Give you & all your family members strength to bear the loss and the departed soal to rest in peace (amen)

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you Shara, I really appreciate this. Thanks for the prayer. Sorry to hear about your brother as well.

  11. GoodLady profile image83
    GoodLadyposted 4 years ago

    I had no idea when you were helping me with my hub that your heart was in tatters.  Bless you.
    My brother was murdered in Costa Rica a few years ago. I got straight on a plane and went to his house and cleared up his blood and lay in his bed and fought with the devil that lurked in his house.  I took his clothes to the nuns in the forest for the poor.
    Met his friends.
    I went to the detectives and recorded what they had to say several times..(ha!)
    Then I buried him at a Catholic cemetery.  He was in a cardboard box coffin and it was placed in the incinerator and I played the music that was on his boom box (that he had been listening to before some murderer took his life).
    I read the words my family all sent by email, each one a love tribute to him-
    Try to do the same.
    Try to get to his body.  Try to bury him.

    I came back and met our mother and stayed with her.  My family were all around and we were close and crying and struck dumb (as you are right now).
    I joined SAMM (Support after Manslaughter and Murder).  I went to a church service with other SAMM members (so many of us!!!) and slowly through these years have managed to distance from the the horror.
    My brother has told me (another story) that he is fine and not to worry.
    There is nothing we can do for the shock and the horror of having our brothers lives stolen from us.  It is abhorrent.
    I love you very much right now.
    Ask your Government to help you get to him.  They will.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you GoodLady. We are trying to get his body. We understand that The Haitian authorities might be releasing him soon but not so sure. We are waiting but I don't know how patient I can be. It's been a week but it seems like eternity.

      1. GoodLady profile image83
        GoodLadyposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        And you cant go to Haiti and ask to speak to the police there?  It's a dangerous country but perhaps you could go with a Government rep.  They must help you.
        Murder is a serious crime and you can't let Haitian Authorities mess around with the facts, more than they already will.
        Does Jamaica have anything to do with England anymore, because Scotland Yard is amazingly helpful?
        x

        1. Cardisa profile image91
          Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          We don't think it's a wise idea to go to Haiti just yet. We will be letting the Authorities in Jamaica deal with it.

          1. GoodLady profile image83
            GoodLadyposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            How painful for you and your dear family.  I am so sorry.  I am saying my prayers,  your pain is too ghastly.  It's a time to be close with your family and it's nice of you to reach out to Hub Pages. 
            If possible try not to let your mind go to bad places.  An angel I met at the airport in South America,  just after burying my brother, suggested  something I hadn't thought of  -  she said
            "Let him go, he wants to go".
            It was a good idea for my brother and so I did.
            She must have been an angel because i couldn't see her after she told me that!
            Oh people don't believe in this and that but at times like yours, it's good to believe in as much good as you can, grab on it Cardisa, for your brother,

            1. Cardisa profile image91
              Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

              Thanks. It's going to be almost impossible letting go without the facts and a funeral. We are trying to take it one day at a time. Being on HP helps to get my mind off stuff. I wish I could have the strength or inspiration to write something. I have ideas but no mental capacity to see them through.

              1. GoodLady profile image83
                GoodLadyposted 4 years ago in reply to this

                course you haven't.
                and of course you cant let go yet.  silly me.    i was just getting carried away with memories.
                course you don't have mental capacity. 
                seems you're doing everything you can - hugs and 'night', it's into evening here now.

  12. Peggy W profile image91
    Peggy Wposted 4 years ago

    Hi Cardisa,

    First of all let me express my sincere condolances to you and your family on the loss of your brother.  I lost my youngest brother when he was only 35 and my other brother just before he would have turned 60.  My dad died at age 55 and I lost my mother in 2010 and that was the last of my nuclear family.  So while I do not know your exact feelings, I can surely empathize.  It is hard and every day will bring new emotions to the forefront of your mind and heart. 

    As others have already said, don't hold them in.  Cry, scream, talk...do whatever seems right to you.  Grieving is a process and each person does it differently and in their own time.  No right or wrongs with regard to this.  Just know that your brother has entered his next life and that he would want you to be happy.  That day will come, believe it or not right now.  Let the memories of him help to comfort you.  That too will come when you get over the shock of his death...and in such a horrific manner.

    May God bless you!

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Wow Peggy, I am so amazed at all the support especially from people who have been through the same thing like yourself. Thank you so much.

  13. prettydarkhorse profile image62
    prettydarkhorseposted 4 years ago

    Cardisa, sorry for your lost. I lost my only brother five years ago and it was a painful experience. I find solace in watching and helping his two children who are very young. Until now, I still miss him and I live with the memories.

    I hope you find comfort in your family! (((((((HUGS))))))))

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thanks for sharing and for your support Prettydarkhorse. I wish I had the words to comfort others who have lost loved ones as well but I feel so weird.........

  14. aware profile image71
    awareposted 4 years ago

    stands quietly  in observance .  prays.

  15. Randy Godwin profile image94
    Randy Godwinposted 4 years ago

    Extremely sorry for your loss, Cardisa.  It's tough being strong when something like this arises, but you will make it though alright I feel.  But there are always scars remaining from such an incident.  I'm sure many of us here will be thinking of you in this extremely trying time.  smile


                                                       http://s4.hubimg.com/u/6812619.jpg

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thanks Randy, I really really appreciate the support.

  16. AliciaC profile image97
    AliciaCposted 4 years ago

    Cardisa, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. My thoughts are with you. I hope the situation in Haiti can be resolved in the best way possible, as soon as possible. Although my situation isn't the same as yours, I understand some of what you're going through, since I've just lost my father unexpectedly. It is very hard trying to go on as normal, but continuing to write and interact on HubPages is helping me, and I hope very much that it will help you too. If you can't write hubs, then at least continue to interact with others in the forums. I'm sure that many, many people will offer you their support, as well as practical ideas to help you.

    1. sharkfacts profile image89
      sharkfactsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      (((Alicia)))

      Big hugs girl for your own sad loss. My parents are very much in their twilight years, in fact I have moved home to look after them.
      I dread the day when I lose them, and it is coming quite soon, so I treasure every day I have now. They have already lost so much! I am glad I am able to be here for them.

      PS Posted in wrong name  - its IzzyM here.

    2. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hi Alecia, I too am sorry for your loss. Being on HP is helping me. I wish I could write without feeling like I am forcing it. I am working on the first hub for this month and it's slow going.

      I find that browsing the site gives me a chance to get my mind off stuff. I also feel like I am useful when I answer a question or help someone. I feel helpless otherwise.

  17. howdoigetgirls profile image61
    howdoigetgirlsposted 4 years ago

    Always remember the good times. Smile ALOT. Cry in the shower until you can't cry anymore. Crying is healing. Let it ALL out. Forgive yourself for anything you and him went through and forgive him for anything he did or didn't do for you in the past. Have no guilty feelings.  When holidays come around...CELEBRATE...what would you and him have been doing and smile. Watch America's Funniest Videos and laugh some more. Whenever you are sad...watch that show. Know that everything that happens, happens for a reason and pray one day we find out why things happen to us in life. Have your brother be proud of you by making wise decisions. You have to represent both of you now so always do your best and then do better. I will pray for you and if you believe...pray...do not ask WHY...just ask Him to lead you.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hi Ingrid, we we very close. All my brothers and I are close. We don't fight or quarrel. The last time we had a spat was when I was 19 that was 22 years ago and it was over a boy. He was being over protective. Thank you for the advice, really helpful.

  18. howdoigetgirls profile image61
    howdoigetgirlsposted 4 years ago

    My name is Ingrid!

  19. Frank Atanacio profile image76
    Frank Atanacioposted 4 years ago

    I too am so sorry about your loss..  and now it;s time to be strong and keep him  in your heart forever.. think of him often....

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hi Frank, thank you so much.

  20. Cardisa profile image91
    Cardisaposted 4 years ago

    Here is what's happening.

    My brother a fisherman was hired to navigate a boat with "supplies" to Haiti. He was killed by "we don't know whom" and a lie was concocted to throw us off the trail.

    The Haiti coast guard/police has no information about my brother and his body.
    The Jamaican police/marine police coast guard was not informed by Haiti authorities about any such incident.

    My brother cannot be found.

    His body cannot be found.

    He left Jamaica on Friday night June 22, 2012.

    We were told he was killed by "pirates" on Saturday June 23, 2012.

    He did not arrive in Haiti as planned.

    He did not return to Jamaica.

    I AM GOING CRAZY!

    1. Nell Rose profile image90
      Nell Roseposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hi  did you say that the two guys with him were arrested? And if they were, whats happened to them? Are they okay as in not hurt, and what do they say happened?

      1. Cardisa profile image91
        Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Hi Nell, the first story was that the two others were arrested but as it turns out that was not true so we have no idea where those two men are.

  21. snakeslane profile image82
    snakeslaneposted 4 years ago

    Cardisa, I am so sorry. This is devastating news of your brother. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. My thoughts are with you and your family at this time. I appreciate what an effort it must be just to get your thoughts together clearly to send us this update. I've sent a note to a friend who has experience in dealing with trauma and grief. I hope she can get back to you soon. You need support right now, and Hub Pages community has plenty. I hope others will reach out to you now, I am here in any way I can help with that, if it is any comfort.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you Snakeslane. I stay on hubs and browse around the site trying not to go out of my mind. I started a hub this morning and I have only blankness in my mind. I feel like someone poured mud there instead of matter.

      1. snakeslane profile image82
        snakeslaneposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Cardisa, I hear you, you've described the sensation well, try to breathe, and keep writing ok?

  22. rasta1 profile image90
    rasta1posted 4 years ago

    This is rough. Sorry to hear. I live in a fishing village. The fishermen here go to Cuba and Haiti all the while. There is a stigma attached to those fishermen who go to Haiti (You know). The authorities in Haiti cannot help, their policing is informal. This is a case of diplomacy.

    Do you know any one in Haiti?

    Contact Earl Whittter and use his diplomatic connects

    High officials in PNP have many Haitian friends

    P.J. Patterson is heavily connected to Haiti, contact his offices

    When there was the earthquake in Haiti, there was an organization that returned the Jamaican bodies. I don't remember. It was through the digicel connection.

    If the other Fishermen that were on the boat are alive, suspect them !!!

    Someone from that fishing village here knows what happened. Keeps pressuring them. Someone will normally breakdown and confessed the true story.

    These type of excursions cost a lot of money. Find out who financed the trip and follow the paper trail. Try and get a hold of his phone and go through the phone. Snoop around his room, talk to his friends.

    The most likely cause of death will be pirates and then fellow crew members.

    With all said, I understand that you need visual closure. You may have to travel to Haiti at the end of the day. I will try to contact some old Haitian connects and hear what they say. You may have to email some information, like where in Haiti do you think your brother is.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thanks Rasta, that helps. As far as we know he is not in Haiti but that could also be a lie. I am now so confused I don't know what to do!

      1. rasta1 profile image90
        rasta1posted 4 years ago in reply to this

        The fact that you are reaching out, is therapy for the soul. This is very tough.

  23. snakeslane profile image82
    snakeslaneposted 4 years ago

    Hey Cardisa, just checking in, I'm thinking about you...

  24. krsharp05 profile image94
    krsharp05posted 4 years ago

    Cardisa,

    The truth is, there is no perfect answer.  My mother was murdered when I was seventeen.  I couldn't eat, breathe, sleep or really function for a very long time.  There are no words that will magically change your heartache, the ache you feel in your bones and in your soul.  What you need to remember is that you are going to be okay.  That life will move on and that there will be a gap but beautiful things will grow around it. 

    You will always miss your brother, you will always have memories of him and you can treasure them.  Write those memories down in a journal so that you can revisit them from time to time.  If you have a sudden flashback of a happy time the two of you shared, write it down.  One day you will be able to share those stories with your kiddos or just keep them to yourself. 

    Right now you are in the "eye of the storm" and you cannot possibly have any perspective on being okay because your emotions are the storm itself.  It's okay to cry and it's okay to fall down on your knees and be sad.  And when those moments pass, pick yourself up and be a little bit stronger.  Time heals, love helps.  Remember that you are loved and that people around you don't know what to say or how to act.  You're going to make it through this.  It's going to take time, don't rush it. 
    Blessed be. - Kristi

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hi Kristi, thank you for those words of encouragement. I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who have visited this forum and left words of encouragement and support.

      We have filed a missing persons report and are letting the authorities take the necessary steps to investigate. We will not let anyone intimidate us into not finding out what happened.

      Thanks you.

      1. Nell Rose profile image90
        Nell Roseposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Hi Carolee, good for you, I hope you find out what you need to know, and to just say I am still thinking of you, take care.

      2. GoodLady profile image83
        GoodLadyposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        You are in our prayers and thoughts in such a terrible time.  Prayers for your brother too.  Lots of love. xx

        1. Cardisa profile image91
          Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          @Nell, thank you.

          @GoodLady, thank you, I really appreciate the prayers and support.

  25. PegCole17 profile image90
    PegCole17posted 4 years ago

    Cardisa, dear one,
    It is truly impossible to imagine the pain you are going through right now and my heart goes out to you in this difficult time. In light of all the confusing information, lack of cooperation from the authorities and the mystery surrounding this horrible situation I cannot imagine anything that will take away the heartache except time. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

    You've done the right thing reaching out to your friends here to help you in your time of need. These heartfelt expressions of caring and love and comforting words from so many who care about you is what will get you through one day at a time, one hour, one moment, one second. I'll whisper a little prayer asking the Great Comforter to surround you with His perfect white light to ease your sorrow as you make your way through this.

    Big hugs and love coming your way
    Peg

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hi Peg, wow your words are so comforting right now like so many other words from my friends. Thank you so much. All my family members are confused and in a turmoil with this. But we are not letting it go, we will find out what happened. Thank you Peg.

      1. krsharp05 profile image94
        krsharp05posted 4 years ago in reply to this

        When you do find out, please let us know.  You are in our prayers.

        -K

        1. Cardisa profile image91
          Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          Thank you, I will.

  26. Rastamermaid profile image73
    Rastamermaidposted 4 years ago

    You're in my prayers Cardisa.

    My God cover you and ypur family with the strength and truth.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hey Rasta girl, thank you so much. Blessed.

  27. Cardisa profile image91
    Cardisaposted 4 years ago

    Thank you Nell. I really appreciate the support and prayers.

  28. ahorseback profile image46
    ahorsebackposted 4 years ago

    Cardisa, Im so very sorry ! This is going be with you for a long time ,forever ...  But the sharpest edge  of losing a sibling does go away in time , the most important thing is to talk ,share , feel . AND to decide right now ....that he is never really "gone " at all and remains there beside you  ! After all the legalities are over ,then you can begin to find some sense of closure for the anger and pain of the shock , then you can begin a journey of healing. All our hearts go out to you ,you!  who has  one of the biggest and best hearts in this world ! If I could Cardisa I would take your heart in my hands and hold it !

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Oh Ahorseback, your words mean so much to me. Now you understand why I  felt that the poem was written for me......it spoke to me. Thank you my big brother.

  29. bbnix profile image60
    bbnixposted 4 years ago

    Cardisa, my friend..it's been too long...I just heard about your loss and I am  so, so sorry...

    God damn the brutality that has touched you and your family...there are no words I can express to help you, other than we're here for you, and care so very deeply...

    Hang in there, my dear friend..

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hey BB, Thank you so much. I am just trying to wade through the days until we find out the truth. I really am grateful for the support. It's friends like you that keep me sane.

      1. 0
        kimberlyslyricsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        hang on sis, i'm sending love to you

        1. Cardisa profile image91
          Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          Thanks Kimmy, I am trying to be sane.

  30. schoolgirlforreal profile image77
    schoolgirlforrealposted 4 years ago

    I have no idea exactly what happened to your brother as it sounds like he was invovled in some sort of duty?

    I can't tell you what to feel or not to feel. You might not be able to sleep or eat, like when my dad passed.
    There are griefshare.com cds that helped my sister, it's people talking about their losses and how it made them feel and how they dealth with it.

    I think talking about it, writing about it, and getting some "therapy" through groups or cds or what other people have gone thru.

    You don't have to be normal, what is normal? Just be human, let yourself feel, let yourself grieve, and know that people care for you.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you Schoolgirlforreal, it means a lot to that you understand. I don't think I can write about him just yet but I am writing again to keep my mind busy. Thanks so much for the advice.

      1. schoolgirlforreal profile image77
        schoolgirlforrealposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        you're welcome. I lost another person too, and it's still bothering me as well. I don't know what to do either. So I'm on hp alot lately. I've tried everything to forget them, date other people, do other things, go to therrapy, then fall in love w/ the therapist......hello? help!!

        1. Cardisa profile image91
          Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          Honey, we seem to be in a boat together! We both need help.....

          Thanks for being here.

          1. schoolgirlforreal profile image77
            schoolgirlforrealposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            Yeah, I've been isolating but that's not helping. I need to adress my sistuation and make the peopoe there help me with it, instead of me being uncomfortaable and going home early all the time.
            I just made a couple of phone calls. to the program i'm going to, asking them to work on it with me and to my temp social worker, who has not seen me and is supposed to. while mine is on vac for 2 1/2 weeks. I havent been able to solve this.

          2. schoolgirlforreal profile image77
            schoolgirlforrealposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            I hope you feel better. My best coping skills are praying. But I'm so sick of it becasue it doesnt seem to be working. then writing and talking are also good too.....

            1. Cardisa profile image91
              Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

              Praying does help, it's just that during our most painful period we tend to feel so aweful and we expect the pain to go away immediately when we pray and it doesn't. I find I want to be by myself often but I know that is no good, so I let my fiance hover and I spend time with my computer.

  31. Happyboomernurse profile image88
    Happyboomernurseposted 4 years ago

    Hi Cardisa,
    My heart goes out to you as the circumstances of your brother's loss are surely adding to your grief and pain.
    My own brother died of alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver at the age of 45 and it was very painful as my family had tried to get him the help he needed for rehab. However, he relapsed many times and during the final relapse when his disease was irreversible, we were able to be there at his side until he died which gave us some measure of closure and relief.
    I think seeking support of others, such as you're doing on Hub Pages, and also the support of other loved ones, friends and sometimes a professional can be helpful. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you Happyboomernurse, I too am sorry for the loss of your brother. I never knew it could or would be so painful. I always fear losing my mom but I have never felt grief or pain like this before and never want to feel it again.

      Thank you for the support.

  32. briars2roses profile image71
    briars2rosesposted 4 years ago

    I have lost both a brother and a sister but it was a long time ago.    I just know there are stages of grieving.   Some say 7.   And I know that the grieving process (through out the stages) lasts over a year.   That doesn't mean you will cry for a year,  sometimes we don't realize we are grieving any more.    But the thing is everyone does grieve in their own way and I prefer to grieve in private also.   

    I will be the first to admit that I tend to withdraw to lick my wounds.   It's okay at times, it's when you won't come back out amongst people that it's not okay.   The truth is the more you TRY to be normal,  TRY to be strong, the more you are going to wear yourself out.    When your heart is hurting, lean on the Lord, take the hurts to him, share your sibling with him.    But at the same time,  if you are forcing yourself to remember... quit.   If those memories are bombarding you, than take time to put them aside, to distract yourself.   

    I know a person whose brother passed away over 5 years ago now.   And the whole familiy dredges it up over and over.   They created memorials everywhere in their house not to forget him.   They have filled the children with fear of dying the same way.   There comes a point when people can excessively grieve and it's not healthy and they have reached that point.  And they do that with every person no matter how much they knew them.   Their focus is on death.   Our focus has to be on life.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Briars2roses, thank you. I don't know where I am in the stages of grief. I know when I am not at my computer I fall apart, and sometimes I fall apart when at my computer. Writing is the only thing that gets my mind of stuff where I can be productive. Thank you so much for your kind words.

  33. briars2roses profile image71
    briars2rosesposted 4 years ago

    Bless your heart.   Writing does have a way of soothing and maybe your outlet will be in sharing all those memories.

  34. Cardisa profile image91
    Cardisaposted 4 years ago

    Well, here is the latest.

    The police are investigating and they have been doing a great job of keeping us up to date and making us feel like they care.

    One police report says that the Haitian Coast guard met upon a boat with some men who fired upon them. The fire was a returned and one man was reported dead. The police are following that lead to see who these men were.

    Another report was that a boat was sited off the Morant Cays (Jamaica). When the Coast guard tried to investigate the boat disappeared and was never seen again. It is suspected that the boat sank.

    I am hoping that none of those reports are true especially the first since I know my 52 year old brother was no gunman! It hurts to hear those things.

  35. ahorseback profile image46
    ahorsebackposted 4 years ago

    Cardisa , If there is hope, then will we hope that he is alive  and  will show up , and if not  then we know he might be a fisherman  who lost his physical life while doing what he  absolutely loved doing ! But his spiritual life goes on  , there beside you !........ And the sea he loved  and still loves ! Many  Hugs  my beautiful friend .........:-}

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you so much my Horseback friend. I am hoping against all hopes that all the other reports are wrong and he is still alive but every finger is pointing to his demise.

  36. Jean Bakula profile image97
    Jean Bakulaposted 4 years ago

    It is so hard when you don't know the true circumstances, and to face that fact you may never know. It's been 3 weeks for me. I call the police and registered my brother as a missing person, but since he's been in trouble before, they act like he is/was the scum of the earth, which is not true. He's bipolar, and has other health issues besides his mental health ones. People who know the story think that since no body has shown up, he may just in a place where he doesn't want to be found. But I don't think he would ever put us through this. His crazy GF who called to tell me her friend called to tell her she saw "several dead bodies and one looked like him" told me he also text messages her every night. But they broke up over a year ago, and now she admits she has not heard from him since Christmas, the last I heard too. So I think maybe she just made up such a horrible story to get me to admit I know where he is. But I can't imagine how anyone could be so cruel. Now there is a recorded message on his cell phone again, part in Spanish, and not his voice. But he was last in San Diego, and I know he did cross the border to Mexico. I'm mostly afraid he did that. If the worst has happened, I'd like to bring him home. But I do believe the spirit lives on and is immortal, that our bodies are only shells. If the worst happened to your brother, I hope he is at peace now, and he isn't suffering then. I have lost both parents and my best friend 5 years ago, and although you try to make a life with others, nobody can take the place of those we love. Try to relax, it's not your fault, and don't hold your emotions in. Sometimes we must accept there is nothing we can do, but I know it is very hard to face that. My thoughts and prayers are with you. If writing helps you, keep writing. It helps me. You are still alive, and have your own life to tend to no matter what.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Oh Jean, this is so painful for you. You hang in there too and don't let anyone manipulate you are try to take you off the path you are on. I had to stand up strong to do what I think is right too. When I went to the police it was just to file a missing report and God worked it so they already knew of the reports that were coming in about him so I gave a statement and told them everything I heard. They had already started their investigations by the time I got there. I doubt we will ever know the truth but I believe we will get to bury my brother like a human and let him rest in peace. I hope the same for your brother and I do hope he is alive and you don't have to go through this again.

  37. snakeslane profile image82
    snakeslaneposted 4 years ago

    Cardisa, Jean, I've been following this post and I just want to say what you both are going through is so unbelievably sad, heart breaking, no words can describe. I'm so sorry.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Snakeslane, it is so good to see you. I want to thank everyone who has supported us because believe it or not, I think I would have gone crazy without my HP  friends and supports and I am sure Jean feels the same way.

  38. Denise Handlon profile image88
    Denise Handlonposted 4 years ago

    Cardisa, I just caught this thread.  I am so sorry for your loss.  My sincere condolences.  I lost my brother years ago...he was just 28 and was in a fatal car accident.  It was the first death in our family and my dear mother never recovered from this.  It does not compare to having a loved one murdered!

    I don't know what has been new regarding the investigation but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  Grief takes its own time.  I still grieve for the loss of my husband who died in '05.  It sometimes takes me by surprise because it seems to come out of nowhere.  You may find that same thing.

    I would suggest you find a grief support group.  That may be very helpful for you.  I write when the grief is overwhelming.  I've written a couple of hubs here regarding my husband's death.  Everyone has their own timeline of moving through grief.  If it incapacitates you seek counseling.  In the meantime: take care of yourself and nurture yourself in any and many ways.  Hugs to you.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hi Denise, your advice is well needed especially from someone who knows what I am going though. I am sorry for the loss of your brother and husband too. I am trying to take it one moment at a time. I don't work with a schedule the way I did before, I just go with the flow. I found it maddening when I tried to be normal, like at the start of this forum.

      1. Denise Handlon profile image88
        Denise Handlonposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Good for you...following your own natural rhythm and flow is what is best.  I did that when I had become severely depressed many years ago and it was so very healing.  Best to you...

  39. Talk N Share profile image79
    Talk N Shareposted 4 years ago

    Loss brings grief. I lost my mother, not a sibling, but surely we have in that, a similar grief.  I suggest you not try to be strong or normal, but instead allow yourself to grieve. I cried for 3 months and searched for answers as to why that accident happened. In time I felt God gave me the answer I needed and I was able to move on. Do I miss her? Of course- many times I've wished she were here so I could share things that are happening in my life. I put a special sign in a garden bed just outside the front door and sometimes I will stop there and 'talk' to her. The most special and important thing you can do is be sure you have a relationship with God. If you've never prayed- asked Him into your life- then by all means do so. He will help and comfort you as no other can do. May God bless you as you seek the best way to handle your painful grief. Hugs-

  40. Talk N Share profile image79
    Talk N Shareposted 4 years ago

    I'm back, Cardisa. I have now taken time to read all the messages, so know about your brother. Also I see that others have mentioned the same things I've said. I especially appreciated the things Kristi wrote. Please know that I will say a prayer for you from time to time and please keep us posted. Hugs-

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you Talk N Share, you support and kinds words mean a lot to me.Thank you.

  41. carol7777 profile image87
    carol7777posted 4 years ago

    I know how you feel.  I lost my sister last year.  We had a time where we did not talk...and for some reason I brokethe ice and called her.  I found out she was sick .We had a year of calls and emails and I got to see her before she passed.  I will always have that good memory.  We mostly were very close. I miss calling her and sharing my issues and challenges.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      I am so happy that you decided to talk to your sister for you would have felt guilty. Thanks for sharing.

  42. Mighty Mom profile image92
    Mighty Momposted 4 years ago

    Cardisa, Jean, and all who have lost close loved ones: Big Mighty Mom hugs.
    There simply are no words to express the tug your pain and uncertainty brings to my heart.
    I think they call it empathy.
    And Hub Pages is full to bursting with empathic, caring, wonderful people. Hallelujah!
    My hubber friends have seen me through really dark times (including multiple deaths) and we are here for you now.
    Rant, cry, doubt, remember, wail, and do it all as many times and in whatever order you need to.
    It's not a linear process and there's no timetable or race to being "better" or "strong."
    Two small but big concepts:
    1. HONOR your feelings. Whatever you are feeling is right for this minute.
    2. SELF-CARE. Be extra gentle with yourself now. It's really important to remember the basics like eating and sleeping. Exercise if you can. Get a pedicure. Get a massage. And write whenever you can -- here on the forums, hub(s), scrawled on paper or a journal. Gets the feeling out there so they can't fester inside you and keep you sick and crazy.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hi Susan - Mighty Mom. Thank you. Right now this minute I am feeling sick and crazy. If I wasn't an expressive person I believe it would have been worse. Thank you for your advice and support, very much appreciated.

  43. FIG FOUREVER profile image60
    FIG FOUREVERposted 4 years ago

    Hi. I am new to HP? In fact, today is my first day here. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your brother. It seems that you're doing the right things~talking about what you are experiencing and allowing the authorities to handle the investigative and legal aspects. I believe it to be important to experience all the feelings you have. What I do with so many of my heartaches is allow myself time each day or week to process my feelings, talk to those who listen, and have a good cry. I set a limit so that I am not consumed. When that time is up, I think of ways to honor my loved one and get back to my day-to-day tasks. I have two children that need me and I want them to actually see me work through my grief and other problems as well. The example I hope to set is that we experience bad things, hard times, and have issues, but we must push through and do the things we have to do. I know it is not easy. Peace and blessings~ Raye

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hi Raye, welcome to hubpages. I see by your words of advice that you will be an asset to the site. Thank you so much for you support and warm wishes.

      1. FIG FOUREVER profile image60
        FIG FOUREVERposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you Cardisa! I look forward to this experience and believe in sowing good seeds.

  44. Cardisa profile image91
    Cardisaposted 4 years ago

    It's been nearly a month and we are no further to finding out the truth. All we know is that my brother has not returned from sea and the police keep calling me to ask me for more information which I don't have.

    It's not getting any easier and I find that I start to do something, like my hubs, then get all frustrated and just delete them. Or I find I lose interest all together.

    1. Talk N Share profile image79
      Talk N Shareposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      May God comfort, help and sustain you, Cardisa.

    2. Victoria Lynn profile image89
      Victoria Lynnposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      So sorry, Cardisa. Seems like it would be hard to do anything with all that going on about your brother. I think of you often and hope that you find answers.

      1. snakeslane profile image82
        snakeslaneposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        +1 I feel the same. What a nightmare you are going through Cardisa, my thoughts are with you and your family. Hugs, snakeslane

        1. Cardisa profile image91
          Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          @Talk N Share, Vicki and Snakeslane.....

          Thank you guys for the support. The other day I felt so energetic and thought of doing 24 hubs this month. Then I just didn't want to any more no matter how I tried. I am still trying to write but the hubs are far and few between.

          I spend my time trying to find games to play on the internet so I don't have to think. I know it's not productive at all but I don't want to do anything else but play.

          1. Victoria Lynn profile image89
            Victoria Lynnposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            Then you should play, Cardisa. If that's what you feel like doing, do it. Maybe that's what you need to do to help you cope right now. The writing will wait. Your grief won't.

            1. Cardisa profile image91
              Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

              Thanks Vicki, it's also the only thing that puts me to sleep.

  45. editorsupremo profile image82
    editorsupremoposted 4 years ago

    Hi Cardisa,
    I am sorry for your loss and can empathise with what you are feeling because I lost my beloved big brother 15 years ago to a fatal asthma attack.

    At the moment your feelings are probably raw and you cannot believe your loved one is dead. You will experience many different emotions over the next weeks and months and just out of the blue one day you will find yourself crying tears of sheer pain, and at other times you will smile, even laugh at a fond memory that you shared with your sibling.

    For me it took counselling to deal with the loss of my brother. Six months after his death I was not coping very well and felt burderned by his death. I decided to go to group counselling which helped me face up to the distraught of my brother dying; but what it also did was show me that I had not dealt with my father's death 8 years before.

    If you cannot deal with this bereavement on your own try group counselling as others who are dealing with the same emotions can empathise with you and help you to accept and continue living without your sibling.

    But most of all remember the good times you had.

    God Bless.

    1. Cardisa profile image91
      Cardisaposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you editor Supremo. Your description of what I am feeling is so on point. He is my eldest sibling and like a father to me as well.

      one of  most painful things is that he was supposed to walk me down the isle and now  I don't know how to get married without him there.

      1. Nell Rose profile image90
        Nell Roseposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Just wanted to let you know that I still think about you, and am sending all my love and prayers, I just hope you get some answers soon.

      2. editorsupremo profile image82
        editorsupremoposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Oh my gosh I can only imagine how you feel knowing that he can no longer be the father giver at your wedding. My heart goes out to you. Do you have any other brothers who can stand in his stead?

        If not you must still get married and keep him in your heart as you take your vows. Visualise how proud he would be to see you get married. I am sure more than anything he would want you to be happy as walk down the aisle to start another chapter in your life as a wife.

        Think about what would be say to you now if he knew you were not marrying because he was not there? If he was anything like my brother he would say 'girl what foolishness you bes put on dat lovely white frock an marry yer man!!'

  46. Moon Daisy profile image82
    Moon Daisyposted 4 years ago

    I don't have the answers, but I am so sorry. 

    I have lost people who were very close to me, and it's said that time is a healer.  And it is, but it takes a lot of time before things can be close to normal again; before you can lose that surreal-ness.  You probably feel as if you are in a parallel world to everyone else around you, and nobody else understands.  It can feel lonely, even though there may be lots of people around you who are desperate to help.  You might feel that if you cry you will never stop.

    While I don't have any helpful advice, know that you are not alone, and pace yourself; don't expect things to be normal yet, even though it's probably helpful to try to do normal things.  Know that it'll take time.  You will always have your memories, which won't seem like a comfort now, but I find that the memories help keep my relatives alive for me, and help me to feel close to them.  Even though they might be gone from my life they still feel like they are around me in some sense.  Sometimes I know for sure what they would say to me in a certain situation - the advice they would give me, and that gives me great comfort and spurs me on.

    I wish you lots of love at this difficult time.

 
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