My husband just passed away on Oct 20 from frontotemporal dementia. He and our 20 yr old son had a poor relationship. When his dad passed he attended the funeral and took it very hard. I thought I was being there for him but on his birthday, Nov 11, he tried hanging himself in our apartment after I went to bed. Luckily our dog barked and alerted me and I managed to cut him down just in time. He was taking 40 mg of prozac/day and we actuallt thought it was starting to work but apparently not. He is in a psychiatric hospital now and they have switched his meds and he is receiving counselling but I am afraid he may just be going through the motions in order to get released. He has a weekend pass next weekend and I am terrified to have him home, afraid that he will try again and be successful. Plus the hospital he is in is an hour away when the roads are good and with winter upon us they are not. I can't drive in the winter and have no other way to visit him which makes me feel that he will think I don't care which is so far from the truth. I have to return to work tomorrow but not sure if I can handle it as I keep having crying jags but we ned the income. I don't know where to turn or what to do. In my 58 years I have never felt so lost or alone.
You poor thing. Please hang on, a better day is surely around the corner. You are in my prayers.
Thank you Beth. I have never ever felt so entirely lost and alone. I can't believe the hurt that just won't ease or go away.
I am so sorry and send you and your son some love.
Does he need someone to talk to? Someone close to his age? Let me know if I can help, or at the very least provide a listening ear.
Thank you Shanna. It probably wd help if he talked to someone his own age but we are in Canada. He is having trouble talking to the psychiatrist at the hospital because they send him to his room every time he gets angry but his anger is part of it.
Will be sending love and light and support your way. Know that the overwhelming grief and sense if helplessness will pass, although I know that's little comfort now. Be as available for your son as you can. Call if you can't visit. Ask him to talk about his dad...a complicated living relationship often leads to complicated grief at the time of passing, but to know that one is not alone is helpful-for both of you.
I often marvel at the way individuals manage to cope with circumstances I cannot possibly imagine. I admire your ability to get out of bed in the morning and face each day.
Perhaps you can speak with the hospital and express your fears. Explain to them that you cannot collect him and would they please keep him there over the weekend. Send him an email at the hospital or a fax, telling him you love him and that you'll get there when you can, and that you hope he can just take some time out to come to terms with the loss of his dad etc. Tell him it will take time for both of you to get over his dad's death. That's normal. You both have to try and keep one eye on the future, believing that there's good times yet to come to replace the bad.
I do hope you both get past this difficult time. Thinking of you.
Thank you. He had a bad day today and laid a pretty good guilt trip on me for not being there every day. He has to realise that it is an hour away on icy roads and I am terrified to drive in the winter and at night. I don't get off workvuntil 5 and Ihave to work or we don't have a roof over our heads or food on the table. It broke my heart.
So awful. Do you have some kind of support? Ppl to encourage you when you're at the end of your rope?
It won' t make life any easier for either of you if you have an accident driving. You are absolutely right to focus on keeping the bills paid and yourself safe. Don't give in to the guilt. You are doing your best, and I am led to believe that guilt is one of the tools used by people like your son when they are forced to receive help.
If he comes for a weekend, how can you be sure you'll get him to return? I do hope the hospital people can help you find a solution that works for you.
Sadly it sounds like there is not much you can do for your son at this moment. You can, however take care of yourself.
Another quick thought, emptymom.
Would it really be advisable for your son to return home so soon to the house where his father lived and your son tried to hang himself? You say the two had a poor relationship, so does that mean your son has regrets about not making more of an effort? If so, perhaps you should address that with him.
Maybe he needs to hear that his dad is gone now, and the past is the past. It is his turn to pick himself up, shake himself off, and go out and make the most of his own life. Perhaps he even needs to be told not to think that he has to look after you now that your husband is gone. He has to concentrate on himself and building himself a fresh, new future.
Do you think that might help? Is he looking for a way to escape his old memories? Could he perhaps go and stay with a different relative or even find himself a job and a room to rent in a different town or part of the city you live in?
I'm sure there must be other options but I understand it must be very hard for you to think clearly right now.
Thanks. He had a better afternoon. I know he is on an emotional rollercoaster right now but so am I with work on top of it. We hadn't lived with his Dad for a couple of years under his dad's doctor's recommendation. He had FTD and was becoming very aggressive and yes a lot of the problem is that by the time my son wanted to patch things up with his dad he was too far gone. I am speaking with the doctor tomorrow about his release so cross your fingers for me. If he refused to back after the weekend the police would just come pick him up and take him back because he has been committed. Iknow we have a long road ahead of us but we will do it. Ihave to stay positive.
Fingers are tightly crossed. It is going to be difficult to cook dinner tonight though, lol. Good luck tomorrow.
Do you have an update, emptymom? What did the doctor say?
He came home ysterday for the weekend and so far so good. He is very positive and willvmost likely get discharged next week. Cross your fingers and say a prayer.
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