Struggling with Resentment

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   Rafiniposted 13 years ago

   I've been searching online for information on how to relieve old resentments, but having very little luck.  I found some kind of tapping technique, but don't want to spend the time learning how to tap.  Seems to be a step backwards, actually, lol, cuz I'd resent having to learn it! 
   
   Anyway, then I found the idea of forgiveness.  Okay, thought I did that a long time ago, so I don't really know what to forgive anymore.  I mean, it isn't specific people or actions that I'm holding resentments for (mostly) but a lifetime of things that I really wish would have been different. 
   
   
   So...Any ideas in relieving resentment?  Thanks a bunch! 

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      Druid Dudeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Listen to The Eagles...specifically "Get Over It"

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         Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         lol  Good one!  um...is it an actual song?  lol  I haven't heard of it.

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      lcg4jcposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Dearest Rafini,
      
      One's life can be full of remorse for what has happened in ones life, whether it was something you did or something others did to you.
      
      Remorse is very debilitating because there is no cure for a life spent on focusing only on the negative things that have happened in life. The past is just that the past and it can't be changed.
      
      Sure, it is okay to analyze your life at times and come to terms with yourself over things you did that weren't wise. This is more the road one wants to take in life. It is regret.
      
      Regret looks at things in the following way:
      "I regret I did this or that but I know I can't change it so I choose to learn from this mistake and move on in my life."
      
      The second thing you can do is begin to take those negative thought patterns and replace them with positive thoughts.
      It will take a little time to retrain your thinking, but believe me it is all worthwhile because it will alleviate your soul and bring healing to your broken state.
      
      I dont know if you are a Christian, but I always remember a passage in scripture that reminds me what to do when my mind begins to wander on the negative circumstances of my past.
      The passage is found in the book of Philippians 4:8 and it states:
      "Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don't ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise"
      
      There may be real bad days in which your sorrow may overwhelm you and those are the days that just having the air to breathe, the trees for shade, the flowers for beauty, the laughter of a child to enjoy that will help you stop focusing on the sorrow and began pursuing after joy.

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         Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         You've given me a lot to think about and do - Wow! 
         
         Um, oops, lol, I started with the positive thought patterns, lol, I just have difficulty keeping them there!  I think I have a better understanding as to why, though, now.  Thanks, much appreciated.

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      Stacie Lposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      i wrote a hub on forgiveness..it is for the person that is hurting..not the one that hurt you..

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         Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks - the read was helpful.  I understand completely what you said about resentment tying you to another.  Being bound to another over negative feelings or emotions is no state for living, it's a state of staleness.  I'm looking for freshness, thanks for pushing me in the right direction.

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      Pearldiverposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I've found that Bridge Building is very good and has the added Benefit that you can dump them from the apex of the span and hear the Arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Splash!! Blrrrrupppp!
      
      As they fall, hit the water and then sink. 
      Don't Look Back though or You'll Never Be able to 'Forgive Yourself'

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         Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Don't Look Back -

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      lady_love158posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Why not start by forgiving yourself for having those feelings? What's in the past can't be changed however you can change how you feel about them and move forward. It's never too late to make positive changes in your life. Recognize too the the course that got you here is what made you who you are today and another course would have made you different, but not necessarily better or without resentment and regret!
      
      Decide who and what you want to be now and become that person and let go of what can't be changed. You are loved!

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         Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Another something I hadn't considered!  I hadn't thought about if my life had been different, would I have arrived at this stage of my life without resentments or regret?  Can't say!  You're post reminds me of the Serenity Prayer - Thanks.

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      purpleangel47posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Im a strict believer in the Serenity Prayer: "Lord give me the STRENGTH to accept the things I cannot change; COURAGE to change the things I can; and the WISDOM to know the difference."
      Your wisdom is rooted in knowing that whatever decisions you made in your past, you made with the knowledge and experience you had at the time. The past is just that - past. You can't change it, you can only recognize it as a growth period and keep moving.

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         Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I'm a firm believer in it too, and in your next statement.  We make the best decisions we can with the knowledge and experience we possess - regret doesn't belong unless you don't listen to your experience or knowledge.  Thanks PurpleAngel.

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            purpleangel47posted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Anytime .....

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      avoiceofone18posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Rafini, i believe your answer is rooted in your own statement: "Resentments for a lifetime of things that I wish had been different" . Forgiviness isn't solving your dilemma, because it is not the issue. The issue isn't external, its internal.
      You relive the possbility and reality of your life all the time; then carry it with you like a backpack that you can't disconnect from. The desire for change is legitimate, but you cannot experience peace by constantly existing in "wishful thinking". Moreover, you cannot see the possibility for the limitation you instill by beating yourself up with what you cannot change. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be without regret and most of us are not; the difference is that if we desire to heal, we must move forward and as we move forward we are less connected to the pain that stagnates us.
      
      Your life may not be what you want it to be, but you forget that you have the power to correct it. You can use what you feel to cultivate a life with greater meaning. The objective is being in control, rather than being controlled by memories that distract you, because you can't take that backpack off and put
      it where they need to be - in the past. Here's a suggestion: Take all those negative memories and wishful contemplation and put them in a back pack- then not only put the back pack away, but never pick it up again. The energy once used for feeling sorry, can now be used for feeling alive. You deserve a better existence and no matter what you have endured- you are worth it.
      Change the behavior that will change your life and the way you live it. Hope this helps- be encouraged- what you are experiencing is simply being human and we all struggle with it, because we forget to just be human! Have a great life!

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         Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you, avoiceofone.  What you say makes so much sense!  (loved the backpack analogy!!) 
         
         I've finally taken the backpack off, with a promise to myself not to pick it up again, but sometimes the need arises to look in it to find something......Hopefully that need will diminish over time so that eventually I can throw the backpack away.

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      lady_love158posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Forgiveness is key, so what you need to do now is to forgive YOURSELF! All of us have made choices we wish we made differently. Of course hind sight is 20/20 and at the time when those choices were presented to us we didn't purposely make the wrong one knowing it would cause us consternation for the rest of our lives! We obviously thought it was the right choice and it is only because we made that choice were we able to see in hindsight, that we should have chosen differently. So you see, only by choosing wrong were we able to KNOW the choice was wrong and we could not have learned that without making that choice.
      
      Forgive yourself, and seek the positive lesson you learned from those mistakes. Carry that lesson forward to help you with future decisions. You can do nothing about the past except to take those experiences to change your future and become the person you want to be. Good luck hun!

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      IntimatEvolutionposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Buddhism.

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       Maxfliesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Just about every known religion has principles of 'forgiveness'. First you have to forgive yourself... then turn to God. There's a difference between forgetting and forgiveness. Many times people can forgive but occasionally can't forget. That's really OK!

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   paradigmsearchposted 13 years ago

   Yes. That is all I can say. Other than resentment is a fairly easy affliction to fix...

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      Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I don't get it. 

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         paradigmsearchposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I guess I won't get into too much trouble for directing you to my profile page... You'll quickly know what to click.

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            Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Okay, I'll get there.   (I did check your profile, but didn't know why I was there!  lol)

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   2uesdayposted 13 years ago

   Just an idea.
   
   It is easier to say this then to do it, but try to see today as more important than the past. It is easy to waste the present by dwelling on things we wish had been different. I cannot say I always manage this but it is useful.
   
   Also, you I guess have a lot to be proud of and you need to tell yourself that. Praise yourself for your achievements, i.e. what you have achieved despite the things that might have held you back. You cannot change the past as you will know, but what you make of today and tomorrow are important.
   
   
   
   Hope this make sense.

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      Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      It does, thanks!

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   timorousposted 13 years ago

   Rafini, my friend...why do you hold on to regrets from the past?  Sure, we all wish certain things had happened differently.  But really..I know, and you know there's not a damn thing you can do to change the past.  It is what it is.  You're being too hard on yourself.
   
   Leave those regrets in the past..live for today and tomorrow.  I'm sure you've accomplished much in your lifetime.  Be thankful for what you have.  You should always be striving to make your life what you want it to be.  There's really nothing stopping you except the way you're looking at it presently.  You can change that.
   
   Snap out of it, girl.  You can do it..go ahead and smile.
   
   I know this sounded like some feel-good diatribe, but I mean it Rafini!
   Best wishes from me.

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      Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks Timorous - some good old-fashioned common sense needs to be heard once in awhile.

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   aka-djposted 13 years ago

   Cast your cares on Him.
   He heals the broken hearted, restores the years that have taken from you.
   And He gives you rest for your soul.
   Gives joy for sorrow and has a future and a hope for you.
   Your BEST life is yet to come.

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      china manposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah - that'll help - NOT.  Replacing resentment with guilt is not the way to go.

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         Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         (I meant to come back to this earlier)
         
         
         Whether or not I would willingly accept a religious post, accusing aka-dj of guilt tripping was unwarranted.  There's nothing offensive about offering a way to relieve resentment - and it's up to me to accept or reject the offering, not you.

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      Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks DJ, maybe its time I spent a little more time reading & believing.

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         aka-djposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I only speak from experience, not from theory.
         Wish you well. Blessings.

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            Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            It's been a long time since I've been to church - I can barely remember the refreshed feeling, the way sitting in the pews can clear the mind.  Don't understand it, really, but that's the way it is - for me, anyway.  I'll hafta give it another thought....thanks for reminding me.

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   china manposted 13 years ago

   Resentment lies somewhere deep in our subconcious and is at the beginning of many strings of our character - so yes it will be as hard to 'get over' as the guilt christianity screws us with as a child.
   
   I would imagine the best way to go about it would be the same as ridding oneself of guilt - time and constant effort and telling yourself everytime it rears its head that it is not real, it is just a memory.
   
   good luck

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      Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Hey!  I like that!!  It's just a memory - nothing in the here and now to do any damage, it's all in the past.  Thanks China Man.

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   DoorMattnomoreposted 13 years ago

   no clue if this is what your after, but its how I TRY to deal with resentment of the past. (see..try...I cant always get it right..)
   
   It is what it is. It is over and can not be changed. Move on from here and deal with NOW.

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      Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      (It's only recently that I've realized I have these resentments, so Trying to deal with them is a good thing )
      
      I like it - it's over & can't be changed.  Now is what matters.

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   Aficionadaposted 13 years ago

   I know that in general it's not good for us to compare ourselves to others.  But sometimes it helps me to remember that other people have also failed to achieve or accomplish all of the things they set out to do.  Others have had roadblocks in their lives too - in the things that have happened to them or in the way they have responded to those things.  For me, this is occasionally helpful, because it reminds me that I am not alone in what I am going through.  And that reminds me that it is possible to work through many problems (sometimes that just means surviving!).
   
   But - I know - this does have a major downside too, and that is that sometimes when I go through that sort of mental process, I wonder why others may have gone through similar things and have come out smiling, while I haven't done so.  And then I feel bad in a different way!  I think that now I have developed enough self-awareness (for the most part) that I can recognize when my thoughts are helpful and when they are harmful, and just being aware of that helps to steer me in the right direction.
   
   I really like 2uesday's and aka-dj's posts.  I agree with them.
   
   I have a story about forgiveness I want to mention, but I'll post this first.

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      Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Its hard to imagine, sometimes, that others go through similar issues.  But what you said, about it being a reminder that its possible to work through the problems, is something I hadn't thought of before.  Thanks!  That's very helpful.
      
      Remember, you're not alone, and if they can come out of it with smiles, so can you! 
      
      So, that's what self-awareness is??  lol  Uh-oh, I think I might be very UNself-aware!!  Then again, it may just be a habit I've developed over the past 20 years....  I think I was taught to confuse self-awareness & selfishness - being self-aware isn't selfish!  It's knowing & understanding yourself, right?   My God!!  And, here I was beginning to think I was being too hard on certain people from my past!  lol  Don't think so anymore!!

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   Aficionadaposted 13 years ago

   The story about forgiveness - this is third or fourth or fifth-hand, so the details may not be perfect.
   
   Eleanor Roosevelt was being interviewed by some reporters, and one of them asked her something about FDR's infidelities.  She said that she didn't know what the reporter was talking about.  The reporter repeated the question; she repeated the same answer. Finally the reporter, exasperated, said "But don't you remember.....[naming some specific incident]?"  And Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No, I distinctly remember forgetting that."
   
   I think the point is that it can be hard to forget something, even when we choose to forgive.  But the forgetting part is a choice too, and it can be as uncomplicated as telling one's self - "I'm not going to remember that; I am going to forget that; I'm not going to think about that."  I think that can be true of other mental matters as well. Sometimes we need to just decide to put something out of mind, and when it pops back up (whatever it is) just tell the thought to go away.
   
   Not meaning to make it sound light, frivolous or easy.  But we can make some choices about which thoughts to feed and which ones to starve.

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      Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      You are so right!!  Feed the positive thoughts and starve the negative.  Guess I've forgotten how to think positive - it's not a strong characteristic for me in the first place.  lol  I'll have to remember that, "Forgetting is a choice, too." 
      
      (I'd heard that from Eleanor Roosevelt before, but didn't know what she responding to - gave me a chuckle)

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         Aficionadaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         
         
         For me either!  Sometimes it feels like a lot of work to think positive!  It depends a lot on the day.
         
         BTW - Before this thread, I haven't seen you in a while.  (I've been away from forums, and I think you are in school now??)  Anyway, it's very nice to see you again, and I hope you're getting some ideas for what you need.
         
         Also, I haven't looked at the link from megs78, but I recognize the song and I know the story.  It's very, very touching.  No matter how many times I hear it, it never fails to touch something deep in me.

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            Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            It's an amazing story - I bookmarked it.
            
            
            
            Nice to see you too!    Yes, I'm a full-time student this semester, and hopefully will be for the next 3 semesters too.  It all depends on how the finances work out...I'm hopeful that I can get my emotions totally in check and be able to hold at least a part time job while in school, but for now all I can do is admire anyone who can manage it!  (being a parent, working full or part time, and being a full time student)

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    megs78posted 13 years ago

    Rafini, I don't know if this will help, but I hope so.  I love this story and as tragic as it is, it comforts me. 
    
    http://www.namethathymn.com/2006/03/it- … -soul.html

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       I can see why!  I especially like the reference to today's lifestyles, and the fact that peace can't be found through money.  Thanks for sharing, this is a nice comfort to have.

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    rebekahELLEposted 13 years ago

    a lot of good advice here. you probably realize that resentment is holding you back from moving forward.
    
    I think forgiveness ends up being for ourselves so that we can move on. maybe you have yet to forgive yourself for the life you think should be different. it becomes different when we think from the inside and take positive, purposeful action to make it different.
    
    I remember many years ago my aunt, who was relatively young at the time, had a stroke which paralyzed most of her left side. She went through therapy and years of resenting her condition and herself. finally one afternoon, she looked around her house and saw how it had been neglected and needed cleaning. she said she decided at that moment to get up and stop living in the past. she brought about her own healing by releasing it. she recovered fully where she was once again able to get around and live her life. 
    
    whatever we feed grows. just say no when those self-sabotaging thoughts come around and don't believe everything you think.
    hope this helps.

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Rebekah, this is soo very helpful!  Wow, I hadn't even considered I needed to forgive myself - that's probably where the majority of the issue is - and hadn't thought about my current thoughts as being self-sabotaging.  This is very significant!  Thank you for bringing it up!!

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       I also wanted to say thanks for sharing the story about your aunt - it's inspirational.

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    Mighty Momposted 13 years ago

    Hi Rafini,
    Great topic. And some excellent advice, as well.
    I'm going to share a technique from recovery. It is essential for us in recovery to get rid of resentments (otherwise they fester and make us sick). No reason this technique couldn't work for anyone!
    
    The technique is called a personal inventory. Like an inventory of a business, actually.
    First: You make a list of every single person or institution you have ever felt a resentment against. Anyone who has ever done you wrong. Any situation in your past, leading up to the present, that is tearing you up inside.
    Second: Next to each of the entries on your list you write WHY you have the resentment. What the person did or didn't do. The details of the grievance.
    Third: In the third column write what this resentment affects.
    Does it affect your self-esteem? Your finances? Your social standing? Your sexual relationships? Family relationships?
    
    When you get done with the first, second and third columns read through your inventory. I bet you will see some patterns emerge.
    It's quite enlightening.
    
    Now comes the really powerful (but difficult) part.
    Add a fourth column. Next to each entry think about and write down YOUR part in the situation. Even if you think you were 100% wronged and are an innocent victim, chances are something you did (or didn't do)enabled the situation.
    
    It's quite an enlightening process and very empowering.
    
    Give it a try. I hope it works for you!
    MM

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Oh, wow, mm, someone had suggested to me, a few years ago, to consider my part in the painful memories - but I must not have been ready to even think about it because I never did it.  Thanks, this sounds like it'll be interesting.

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       kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks again Mighty Mom, for having the courage to share.

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    LSKingposted 13 years ago

    It depends on your personality type. If you've dealt with resentment for many years and have a hard time getting over things, you may benefit from relearning how to deal with triumph in the first place.
    
    Identifying your existing coping mechanism and addressing how it works in your life will most likely lead you to the course of action needed to get pass your resentment.
    
    Everyone is different, and we all struggle with something in our lives. It does not have to be a crutch or hinder your future success. It can be a stepping stone to self improvement. Excepting it, and wanting to do something about it, is just the beginning. The good news is.... your halfway through the battle! You want better for your self and want to operate at 100%. Congrats on this and I'm sure you will be able to control your resentment soon!
    
    Best Wishes
    LSKing

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Oh wow.  You've touched on a major issue or two.  I'll be looking that up now, lol.  Thanks for bringing these to my attention.

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    starme77posted 13 years ago

    forgiveness is the way to relieve old resentments  google how to forgive - learn how to forgive yourself as well as others and you will have a more peacefull heart trust me ... I'm workin on it now

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       It sounds like writing my story is more important than ever.....maybe it'll help me forgive myself for being a child?  It's so unfair to be a child when you don't know how to act like one.    lol 
       
       But, it seems like I'm learning every day....I tell ya, I do some stupid things in some of my classes - like...um, lol, sticking my tongue out at someone for something silly.  She handled it well, lol, by ignoring it, but boy did I feel like an idiot immediately after!!  lol

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          Aficionadaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               

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             Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

             **blushing**

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    mega1posted 13 years ago

    I've said this about so many other things, people are probably getting sick of hearing it - but its a matter of "training" your mind to go to positive pathways, and always steering it away from the negative ruts you have gotten so used to in your thoughts - 
    
    You first have to recognize that the brain is full of habits - your mind has a habit of following some bad memories and experiences over and over until each time something reminds you of these resentments they bloom again. 
    
    I use meditation to get my brain and mind used to me being in control - I am retraining myself to not go down those dark alleys where I used to go and grieve and resent things and feel awful - now whenever some bad memory or useless bad thought or emotion comes up I just stop thinking of it - let it pass on through - and redirect my mind onto positive things that are actual, real things I am doing, or experiencing - or even look at beautiful things I keep around for this purpose. 
    
    Before very long your mind is retrained and those negative thoughts don't come up so often.  For me all those resentments have faded and are quite small - although I don't know if they'll ever be completely gone, at least I feel I am in control of them. 
    
    You have to first actually want to stop resenting - if you are getting some kind of pleasure out of these resentments you won't want to do the work that is involved in overcoming them.  If that is so, then you have to really examine what kind of perks you are giving yourself for feeling and allowing these resentments to live. 
    But it is actually pleasurable work to eliminate the power of these negative thoughts, once you get started. 
    
    I will try to write a hub with specific instructions about how to do this meditating (the usual kind of meditation only "enhanced" with aromas, sight and touch stimulation that is pleasurable so you don't just sit and meditate, you give yourself sensory rewards)  it is like doing self-behavioral therapy.
    
    Feeling positive is always much more pleasurable than feeling negative and it has great effects on your overall health.  Resentment and regret are killers!

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       LSKingposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       This is a powerful message! I can't wait to read the hub you create on this topic.... please alert your followers when your done... I'm one of them!

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Retrain my brain to leave behind the habits of being in a negative rut - sounds about right.  Just what I needed!!  Relearn how to put myself back in control of ME! 
       
       Let me know if/when you write the hub, I'll be sure to stop by for a good read.     Congrats to you!!  On reducing your own resentments - they sure aren't easy to live with.   Thanks Mega.

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          mega1posted 13 years agoin reply to this

          rafini - I really really know what you're going through.  I have just gone through 3 days of being "sick" and I recognize that its come out of my mind, not my body so much, but still I have to treat it like its a physical thing.  I have to keep remembering I am human and like everyone do stupid and negative stuff even though I know better.  I, for one, never did learn self-control - so I am not re-learning it, I am getting it for the first time - I have absolutely no memory of being in control of anything before a therapist taught me some techniques and I learned others from Buddhism about 3 years ago. 
          
          So I am still a beginner and finding out all this stuff is so great.  I feel like the "good news" people who used to ring our doorbell back in Kansas and start by saying "Hi neighbor, we're here to bring you the GOOD NEWS!"  and then they would proceed with their "Christ is Lord of Love" message.  This is just like that, I am an evangelist for "the good news that you can teach yourself to feel good!!!"  its kinda funny that I've become this kind of person when I used to really laugh at them. 

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             Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

             It is kinda funny - maybe you were laughing because, deep down, you knew one day you'd be joining them in an unconventional way? 
             
             I know what you mean, about having no memory of an important childhood milestone, triumph is the one I have no memory of.  No matter what, whenever there was some kind of power struggle I'd end up losing, because I didn't have anyone backing me up.  For some reason or another I always stood alone.  

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    ExpandYourMindposted 13 years ago

    Rafini, I struggle with your dilemma, also.
    
    Unfortunately, life is not always fair.  But resentment and regret are harmful agents that keep us dwelling in the past and forever wishing things had been different. This makes it difficult to move on. 
    
    As many have suggested, focus on the good and forgive yourself and others. Try to learn from mishaps and become determined to turn a negative into a positive.

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    2uesdayposted 13 years ago

    This might help, I think I read it as part of something I was reading on cognitive therapy, it is a very simple trick if you can do it.
    
    When you are aware of negative thoughts that are of no use to you:
    
    think of them as a train on a track - (you do not like where they are taking you) so you get off the train i.e. you stop the thought in its tracks and refuse to follow it.
    
    It does work sometimes.

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    Rafiniposted 13 years ago

    Just wanted to say "Thanks!!"  to everyone for the wonderful thoughts and advice.  I've created a list and am ready to get started! 

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    prettydarkhorseposted 13 years ago

    I have resentments too, at times it is just there, I can't forget it, but when I remember what happens again, I sat down and look at myself. I couldn't have been the same me if not for those things that happened. You are beautiful rafini and the power to change your feelings towards it is upon yours.

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks PDH, that's an important thought - I wouldn't be the same me if my life hadn't been the way its been.  So, in other words, as long as I like myself all is good.  Right?  I like that kinda thinking!!

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          prettydarkhorseposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          Right and you write well too, that is your therapy, write a book.
          Plus, you acknowledge that you don't need those resentments. Things that happened can't be erased it is just there forever, always ready to be remembered. It hurts still at times but it is what it is, we just live by it I guess. HUGS>>>

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             Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

             Memories are there to be remembered, when the time is right.  I like it!!  Thanks!!

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                andycoolposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                I would suggest to meditate. Meditation has great power to help you overcoming all those negative influences. I'm struggling with same problem for many years and I started meditation. It helped me a lot... I learned to forgive. I began to understand that resentments are destructing my life only... and doing nothing else! I would suggest to follow two rules in life, (1) Try to develop an attitude of crushing competition instead of meeting competition, and (2) Try to forgive... I always try to remember, "to err is human but to forgive is divine".

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                   Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                   Crush competition?  Oh my!  I'll hafta give that some major thought...I mean, it sounds wonderful, but dangerous!  lol  I try to forgive, and for the most part I feel I've succeeded.  The times I haven't, are the times when my anger is totally justified, and I don't believe I'm wrong for having anger under the circumstance.  No resentment, just acceptance of people being people.
                   
                   The resentment I have is difficult to explain, as it comes from a lifetime of diffferent situations that are all interconnected.  After this forum, I realize my resentment has been directed inward for years - what can you say to yourself when you resent yourself for being who you are?  When you resent being something someone else isn't?  (or, many someones?) 
                   
                   It's time for me to be me at all costs, and I struggle with it due to built up resentments that I didn't know what to do with.    Now, I have many ideas!    Thanks for your ideas & thoughts.  They're much appreciated.

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                      andycoolposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                      My dear Rafini, crushing competition doesn't necessarily mean to stay away from competition, it only means avoiding competition with people and/or situations surrounding you on day to day basis. An overall competitive attitude is not harmful if you learn to develop a skill to manage the stress associated with it. Again please remember that it's you who knows what suits you best and setup your actions accordingly. A cause and effect relationship exists behind every action and extensive analysis is required about its outcome.
                      
                      If you think you're not happy with your social / corporate / family / spiritual status, I think it's a problem that needs to be solved with the help of a professional. If you elaborate a bit on this issue I can give it some thought.
                      
                      Wish you all the best!

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                         Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                         Oh!  I misunderstood your statement, lol, when you said 'crush competition' I thought you were suggesting to be Much More Competitive!!  lol  And, I'm not up for crushing anyone's competitive spirit - competition is good, as long as it's not the only goal worth dying for.
                         
                         If you mean to elaborate on my resentments, such as the cause, my hubs explain all.  Otherwise, not sure what you mean.  Releasing resentments is, I hope, the final step toward my healing and I'm so glad I've finally reached this stage!! Thanks for your wishes.

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    Jaggedfrostposted 13 years ago

    I often find counting my faults and seeing those through the eyes of those around me.  I then am masochistic enough to heap them on top of my resentment for the world just 'get all the misery right.'  Then deciding that the weight is too heavy (because it is usually after the pity party is over), I frankly unloading the lot at someone's feet that can make me understand my worth and then the worth of those who are around me palpable in my mind.  I call that person Father but you probably call him or them God.  Usually this practice keeps me from resenting people in general too much.  I now prefer to laugh then steam.  More people join in and it is hard to dwell on anything too long when you are laughing.

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Interesting - it almost sounds like you're saying happiness is the opposite of resentment.  Or, maybe joy would be more appropriate?  Laughter is joy for the soul, right? 
       
       Count my faults, see them through the eyes of those around me (meaning, be totally honest with the self), in order to create pity that can then be unloaded at God's door, which will then enable me to laugh and feel joy.  (is that about right?)  I can do that!    Thanks Jagged.

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    Jaggedfrostposted 13 years ago

    10-4 Rafini  you heard my loud and clear.

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        

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    Greek Oneposted 13 years ago

    I have a simple four step process that helps me overcome feelings of resentment...
    
    1) Fill a cup 3/4 full with a dark coloured beverage
    2) Pee in the same cup
    3) Provide this cup to the person who has sparked these feelings of resentment in you
    4) Watch them drink

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       
       
       
       Okay, I'll remember never to piss you off!!!

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          Greek Oneposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          a lovely play on words....
          
          

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             Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

             

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    Jewelsposted 13 years ago

    I have never liked the word forgiveness.  I prefer Acceptance.  You cannot change what has happened, you cannot relive the experience and hope whoever hurt you does it differently.  The idea of forgiving someone who has done terrible things to you somehow allows them to have permission for doing it.  I know it's a play on words, but it is how I see that word.
    
    I can accept that someone has hurt me even though I didn't like it.  This in itself gives me the ability not to be in denial about my own feelings.  I believe strongly that forgiveness is something you do for yourself and has little meaning when you do it for someone else.  It doesn't erase someone elses deeds.
    
    Inner Space Techniques is a powerful way to relieve and de-charge the trauma of a bad experience.  You can google it for more info if you like.

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       You pointed out something I've struggled with, but couldn't pinpoint. 
       
       Forgiveness vs Acceptance.  Forgiveness means to wipe the slate clean, to pardon, or start over.  Acceptance means to accept, approve, agree, or believe. 
       
       Personally, I don't think either of these two words convey what I feel the proper consequence ought to be. 
       
       So, in order to release resentment, does one need to forgive the offender or accept the offenders actions?  Are these the only ways to release resentment?  I think it's actually a combination...I can forgive to a point, but after that point has been reached I must accept the fact that there's no turning back.  If behaviors haven't changed, or improved, there is absolutely no reason for me to continue putting someone elses needs ahead of my own.  Especially if it's the same person over a lifetime.
       
       So, I think what I'm saying is, (it seems to me) the best way to release resentment is to recognize the buildup and put a stop to it ASAP.  Set your limits, know your boundaries. 
       
       OMG!!  This actually makes sense!  I understand!! 
       The only thing now is, I need to figure out how to set limits/boundaries on feelings and emotions.  I mean, I enjoy feeling again, but when the feelings are overwhelming it can be quite scary (happy or excited feelings) or debilitating (sadness or painful feelings).  Sooo glad it doesn't happen too often! 
       
       Thanks Jewels, I'll check into the Inner Space Techniques.

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          Jewelsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          Feel the feeling and decharge the intensity of emotion.  It's key to changing the programming of the mind.  Love those aha moments Rafini.

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    growthnotesposted 13 years ago

    This probably won't get read since this post is so old but I'll post it anyway.  One of the problems I've always faced when I tried to change my thinking is that I would keep losing focus and reverting back to old thought patterns that are hard to break.  I created a system to fight this in my own life and have since opened it up for others who might find it useful.  It is located at growthnotes.com if anyone would like to check it out.  BTW, it's FREE.
    
    Warmest regards,
    
    Ryan Williams
    GrowthNotes.com

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    privateye2500posted 13 years ago

    Remorse and resentment are not the same thing.
    
    Remorse is guilt.  A "deep and painful regret for wrongdoing"
    
    Resentment is Anger. Not the same thing...
    
    To break the cycle of resentment I have found that one must learn forgiveness.  Resentment only hurts YOU - not the person, place or thing you resent.  It Hurts You.
    
    Looking at forgiveness (not to be confused with Forgetting!) with an eye towards it is helping YOU; is a big key.
    
    Why *choose* to stay bitter?  Why choose to feel that ugly way in your soul?
    
    Why does a persons desire for purification of the conscious and the subconscious mind produce us so much distress?
    
    Is it because there is an under-lying fear of freedom for bondage?  A fear of venturing into the unknown; which really seems to underly most human activity.
    
    It doesn't HAVE to...
    
    OK - I feel a Hub coming on...:}

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Hi private eye, yes, resentment has been the problem - anger turned inward.  This forum was very very helpful.  I must have started it around the time my class completed Othello, and I recognized many of the deceitful & manipulative behaviors of people I've known in my life.  In fact, I told my professor that I knew an entire slew of Iago's and had great difficulty staying focused on the play because of it! 
       
       Let me know when you publish the hub and I'll be over to read it.

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    schoolgirlforrealposted 13 years ago

    Well my instincts tell me right now that to get over what you feel, a life "wasted" I think you said ...
    Is to , well, I can only think of it spiritually- sorry if you don't get that- that everyone has a plan, or meaning in life and what didn't kill you made you stronger, embrace today and use what you've learned to help others. Enjoy the present. The past is the past, What is your goal in life? Was it to have a really pleasurealbe life or was it to be helpful to ohters?  Perspective..? 
    
    On a spiritual note, I haven't had the life I wanted either, for 18 years I've suffered excrucitatinly w/ depression etc which cannot be described, and trying to improve things now feeling better, do I regeret it? I feel it made me who I am and stronger and (I personally feel I can offer up those sufferings for God to perhaps help others in some way if possible to make it more "useful")

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       hi schoolgirl - the only thing I don't get is: what didn't kill you made you stronger.  I never did get that....lol.  I totally agree with you about everyone having a meaning, or a purpose, to their life.  I'm still searching for mine but I know it involves writing.

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    nekolifeposted 13 years ago

    I also often struggle with resentment, It`s not easy but I can emphathize with you. I`m sure you`ve heard this many times but we shouldn`t let those things control our happiness. Now I look back at all my resentments as just life experiences that have helped me to have better control of my future.

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    bsscorpio8posted 13 years ago

    Try some guided meditations on peace, anger, and resentment; you can find them on the web.
    
    the meditations will help you to focus on the moment and not dwell in the past.

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    lynnechandlerposted 13 years ago

    Hey Rafini,
    
    Not sure if you are still looking but here is one I like when the worries get the best of me. It's called the Cleansing Rain.
    
    It is especially useful for dealing with stress and worries. One of the biggest barriers in our lives is anxiety, and when the brain is overloaded with this, we can't focus on the positive. You can do this as a visualization or by using your shower or actually standing in the rain. Bit too chilly where I am for the latter so I prefer the shower.
    
    Light a jasmine or sandlewood candle. Breathe in for a span of nine breaths, hold for seven, and breathe out for nine. Do this until you feel calm. Step into the warm shower and think of the things that have been bothering you. As the water washes over you, imagine the worries getting swept up and washed down the drain. Don't force them down the drain, just let the water cleanse you of them. While your worries are flowing out of you and down the drain say, "I release you and allow you to pass harmlessly into infinity."
    
    This will allow you to gain positive control because the worries have been released and no longer have negative control over you.
    
    As you feel the tensions subside, imagine bright sunshine warming you from the inside out. At this point you should be calm and relaxed. Do the breathing exercise again and know that all you have to do is come back to this spot and repeat when you feel overwhelmed again.
    
    I hope that helps.

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    bsscorpio8posted 13 years ago

    Anatomy of a Spirit by Caroline Myss has some good insights on resentment.

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    paradigmsearchposted 13 years ago

    Seen this thread for a long time…
    
    I have written about it years ago.
    
    Time heals; and other.

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    BIKTMIAposted 13 years ago

    Each person is different, so you have access really carefully. Was are is the resentment worth the time to make up with, or move past completely.  If you no longer desire this to be a factor for your life don't entertain same with fuel voice or thought.

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    BIKTMIAposted 13 years ago

    Usually when you help someone your going to encounter problems remembering that , and keeping in mind what your actually doing is a key to healing. You came into an area already that is a problem how you choose to heal and be able to cope can be if you listen a different experience. It will take time but you have to remember to listen to what you have been advised by someone who has lived it.  Early on in a crisis really is not a good time to venture too much, you can face a lot more than you really are ready to handle. Plan Hubpages.

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    lorlie6posted 13 years ago

    I've found that avoiding resentments in the first place is the best plan.  Whenever I feel that creeping sense that I'm developing a resentment, I do my best to communicate my feelings to the person involved.  Not easy, but it does work.

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