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Just keep swimming

  1. amber112483 profile image59
    amber112483posted 6 years ago

    I was diagnosed with BIPOLAR AFFECTIVE, DEPRESSION MODERATE AND ANXIETY DISORDER GENERALIZED .I was put on .5 on xanax three times a day as needed and 50 mg of Zoloft daily. Let me be the first to tell you I thank anyone taking time to read this and give support. Also, I am sorry that this maybe scattered my thoughts kind of ramble.

    Today I see the psychiatrist and I am ready. Scared but ready, I was not sure if I should be seeing the psychiatrist but since my therapist is out of town I need to see someone before my thoughts eat me alive. For those who have no clue what is going on with me well. For a little over a year I was suffering from major depression causing me to act out in ways I would never do if I was a level state of mind. I was diagnosed with Bipolar two disorder when I was younger (nine years ago). I never medicated myself because I was unaware of the disorder and I was a teenager and I don’t think any teenager wants to know they have a mental illness because they don’t understand what it is. So I acted like a crazy drunken college kid and had no remorse for my actions until one day I woke up and saw my whole world was crashing down. I decided to tell my husband and my parents for everything I have done. At the time I thought I was not wanted and the bad feelings would go away because they would but I guess I was so far into it that I needed something, anything to make me feel like I was worth it. My husband is a GREAT man and he but at the time we were having a lot of issues my mood was over the top he felt like “he was walking on egg shells” but he did not understand when I told him that I hated my life and I was unhappy and I tried to blame him but in the end it was me. It has always been me, we got married fast. But I love him , I have had doubts but at the end of the day I love him and could not see myself without him. He loves me and he wants me to get better and forgives me. I have never in my life have had a man love me in that way and I am scared that I will lose him because of my thoughts. I really want him to be at my appointment with me today but he is at work. I took off most of this week because I can’t bare my days they are full of panic attacks and anxiety which cause me to sleep most of the day. I was fine for a little while but I did have a set back which cause all my bad thoughts to come back out ten times worse then ever.  The set back happened over the weekend I decided I wanted to take my friend out for her birthday so we went to one bar and decided to go to another well I decided to take my meds before I went which was a wrong idea. Some guy kept hitting on me and I would not let me buy me a drink he kept asking for my number I said no i am married. Towards the end of the night after a few drinks i was a drunk i had this smart idea to do body shots but my friend Katie did not want to so her two male friends did now i know what you are thinking (REALLY) but they were gay and I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Then when I went to clean the sugar off of my neck the bouncer said I was bad (mind you he has always hit on me but I never done anything just flirted here and there) and I said wouldn’t you like to clean up this mess and he was like i am working and then i said yeah and i am married. The next day when I was sober I freaked out and told my husband now he was upset about the body shot thing because he knows i would be mad if he did a few off gay females i told him if they were ugly i would not care. He understands that is natural to flirt and stuff, But he does not understand why I cant go out with out him. I told him it is because when i went out before it was because i wanted to feel wanted and I am wanted now and I can't heal this way. I want these thoughts to go away, I am scared that he wont be with me today but I have to battle this alone. I have never been wanted before until I met my husband and that should be enough but for some reason I let that go because it was enough. I don’t know why I am the way I am, I don’t know why I have always been rejected and have done things so other people would miss me I don’t know why. But I do know that I have a great husband who loves me and I love him and I will lose it all if I cant control my thoughts.

    1. prettydarkhorse profile image63
      prettydarkhorseposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Just continue to see your doctor and I think you know what will make or break your relationship. Just keep believing in yourself and work towards what is best for your hubby and you. It is good if you also know your limits with your hubby so that when you out with friends you know your boundaries.

      1. amber112483 profile image59
        amber112483posted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you. I was fine over a year ago I dont know what happened. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with

        1. prettydarkhorse profile image63
          prettydarkhorseposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Don't fret about it and stop worrying. You said your hubby loves you and be sure to know your limits really, good luck and take care.

    2. SandyMcCollum profile image70
      SandyMcCollumposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Controlling your thoughts is too hard, just control your actions. You have full power over your actions, but thoughts come and go on their own time and speed.

      Take it one day at a time, don't worry about the future. Work for today, and then tomorrow work for that day. Take it easy, and you are your own worst enemy; lighten up a little, you're good! Your husband loves you very much, it sounds like, it's you that doesn't know you're loved. Just one day at a time. Good luck and may God bless you and your troubles! Keep us posted on how things go.

      1. amber112483 profile image59
        amber112483posted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you for your kind words. I am going to follow you on this thing because i think you could help me in this if you dont mind.

  2. SandyMcCollum profile image70
    SandyMcCollumposted 6 years ago

    I do not mind a bit. I wish you much joy in the future!

 
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