Care Giver - Alzheimer's - What It Means To Me

I Miss You

Being A Care Giver

About two years ago my life changed beyond anything I could have imagined. I became a full time care giver to my mother who was diagnosed with Altzheimers. It has been a very difficult transition to get my head round and she is now really ill and just a shell of the person she was. I spend many hours just with her and boredom creeps in. I woke up this morning with a series of verses running around my head so wrote them down. I am no poet and have never written like this before. Why today? Don't ask I really have no idea.

STAGE – 1 When I realised something was wrong

I looked in your fridge and saw plenty of pies

I caught you out loads as you told me your lies

You said that you made them and brought them today

I looked at the sell by date and threw them away

You sat in the dark at night all on your own

You jumped out your skin when using the phone

You could not work out how to pay for you wares

You sat all alone at the top of the stairs

An airman was waiting by the front door

You said it’s a party he’s was bringing some more

No one was present but you saw him there

I noticed your face wearing a stare

I worried and fretted about you mind set

You had Alzheimer’s I was willing to bet

We went to the Doctors you did a short test

You told me the nurse said you did it your best

Your score was quite dismal but not quite that bad

I knew you were ill and I was not glad

You hated me dearly and called me bad names

I sat in my bedroom and cried every night

I wanted to kill you out of my spite

I knew you were ill but not quite so bad

That a name was not given was making me sad

What did I think a name could do

I was confused as I was losing you

I thought things were awful at that early stage

I had to give up earning a wage

You needed my care and my company to

I suppose it the most that I could give you

My time and my patience I promised I’d give

I didn’t know how long you had left to live

I still don’t know now and things are quite fraught

Help I have managed and support I have sought

There aint that much out there cos people don’t know

How to be kind and have let you go

Oh how I wish I could turn back the clock

And would have been grateful for what I had got

Nothing is left now you almost all gone

But time we have left and that won’t be long

Care Giver Frustrations

Up and down the stairs you go a wobble every time

Your gonna fall and break your neck and whose fault? yea its mine

You lose you nappy every day and hide it in a drawer

I search the house upside down before you do it anymore

The smell s quite bad when it goes stale and and stinks the bedroom out

I don’t think I can take much more but I cannot stop the doubt

I cannot put you in a home you won’t last very long

And I don’t know what I will do when you decide your gone

My feelings are all in a mess and I hate you more today

But I love you even more than I did yesterday

You’re like a child that keeps me close yet won’t be told what’s right

You keep me in your iron fist with all your weedy might

Frustration in my thought today and its needs to go away

I have to care for you so long it takes me all the day

I even have to watch myself and even what I say

You get the grumps when I do nought and blame me for your ill

Come on hurry up six o’clock when she can take her pills

They lull you into peace at last and give me time to breath

I then can sit and give myself some time to have some ease

I won’t last long I pretty sure you needs are always more and more

I can’t sit down for very long or you are out the house main door

Oh give me strength and ease my woes it getting very bleak

It only 5 am you know and the beginning of the week

Stage 2

I saw you today staring up at the ceiling

What are your black beady eyes concealing

You’re able to talk but what do you say

It’s like you have gone far far away

I miss you so much you laughter and chatter

But you are still here and that all that matters

I don’t how long we have left of your mind

Your sense has been lost I know that’s unkind

The last time you spoke sense was ages ago

I look at your face and think who do you know

You recalled your past times and got everything wrong

Not even realising you husband had gone

I wish you away on a carpet of gold

And family to meet you and give you a hold

You want me to hug you can’t meet my gaze

Your live has been lost in a big foggy haze

God won’t take you yet he’s not ready for you

And I don’t know how much more I can do

I don’t want you gone but don’t want you here

I’m falling apart and living with fear

Will you be dead in your bed very soon?

or will we be living in a constant dark gloom

God gives you your calling and he’s given me mine

To love and to cherish till the end of your time

I promised you dearly that I would be there

I said would be the one who would care

I stick by my oath that I made to you then

It’s me and you mum till the end of when?

Stage 3 –The Last Stages

We’re not there yet thank heaven I say and every day I pray and pray

For what I pray I do not know except please please let her go

Is that for me or for her best I really badly need some rest

I read and read it every day and hope stage three is far away

The stages are quite loosely phrased but can go on for days and days

Even years I have been told, oh no please I’m not that bold

Laying staring at who knows what, maybe at the ticking clock

Maybe with old memories she holds dear or maybe with her imagined fear

I know not what the end will bring and when it will arrive

But one thing that I do know well is that I will survive

My grief has been a long time here and her death is something I don’t fear

Maybe I’m harsh or maybe not but I didn’t ask for what I got

No one comes to see us now it’s me and her for hour on hour

She went from me long ago now she someone I don’t know

I want her back in whole, complete, I hope someday we will meet

And talk about the times we knew and all the things we would do

It s over now you can’t come back I thinks were on a one way track

So heaven’s waiting for your smile, getting over you will take a while

I see you one day that’s for sure and maybe we can talk some more



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Comments 3 comments

tabrezrocks profile image

tabrezrocks 3 years ago from Calcutta, India

great hub, you are doing a good job for your mother, but you must have to join some care giver organisation or some community to learn or teach how to take care ? otherwise it is a great article.


london55 profile image

london55 3 years ago from London Author

Thank you for your comment. I had to give in to a residential nursing home in the end, it was to much for me, mum went into a local one five months ago. Its a really bad feeling of guilt that I have now but I know it was for the best. Thanks again for your advice.


tabrezrocks profile image

tabrezrocks 3 years ago from Calcutta, India

thanks for compliment it is pleasure to talk with u,You are a care giver as well as a good writer keep writingn and share your knowledge with us thanks again

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