Miscarriage: thirty years on. My Story

Miscarriage
Miscarriage

Remembering Kelly

I thought of Kelly today.

I was standing in front of a shop window staring at a pair of shoe's, nothing particularly on my mind, when all of a sudden, grief overwhelmed me. I felt a tugging in my belly as though someone was grabbing my insides and pulling them towards Heaven. Pregnant. I remembered my second pregnancy. It struck me from out of nowhere. Why was I thinking about pregnancy? That was a lifetime ago.

I hadn't thought about it for a long, long time then all of a sudden I saw her. She had long blond hair and she was laughing. I could see that she was about five years old and full of life.

I stayed there in front of the shop window, feeling my eyes filling up with tears. I couldn't move, as I didn't have a tissue and I definitely didn't want people to see me overflowing, with tears falling down my face.

What had brought this on? I didn't know. I realised at that second that I had been so wrapped up over the last few years with my father dying and then my mother, and recently my Aunt. All of these I loved very much.

Maybe it was because my brother was selling the family home, or maybe it was just that so many things had been happening out of my control recently, that I felt as I though I had been cast out to sea, on a life raft. Caught up in the maelstrom of a storm, drifting away from the shore, and trying to clutch back my old life with such a desperation, that my arms ached.

I could see it all drifting off in the distance and not being able to do anything about it.

Your family is your cushion. The father at the back of you, smiling gently at your mistakes, and my mother in the front telling me off when I did something wrong, but then hugging me when I felt alone. Brothers and aunts being the side cushions that make you feel as if you are surrounded by love.

I have my own son I love above and beyond anything else. And my partner. But even though I am an adult, I still feel Like a child without my comfort blanket.

I was nineteen when I had my son and I was very happy just to play and laugh with him, that when I became pregnant again six months later, I panicked and thought i would not be able to cope. We were living in a caravan at the time, and there was not a lot of room, so when I became pregnant again, initially i didn't really want another child. I had been given a coil, which is inserted in my womb, to stop another pregnancy. But somehow I hadn't worked.

After I had got used to the idea, I became excited. I didn't know what it was going to be at this time, but I didn't care whether it was a boy or a girl.

But things happened, maybe it was the cold of the caravan, or just that my body wasn't ready for another baby, but when I was five months pregnant, I was rushed into hospital, and i was told that the baby had died.

They fitted me up with a drip and I had to go through the pain of childbirth, knowing that there wouldn't be a baby at the end of it.

Only empty arms.

I seemed to take it in my stride, Oh well I thought, there will be others. I realised afterwards that I was in shock. I had the usual sympathy come my way, but like anything else, it soon dimmed in the passage of time.

I got on with my life, even having two more miscarriages, but these were very early ones, and I seemed to recover from the emotional pain quickly.

Then a strange thing happened.

About five years later, I was sleeping in my bed at night, and I had a dream. At least I think it was a dream.

I dreamt that I was in bed, staring at my bedroom door, and suddenly there was a glow coming through from the hallway.

Suddenly a little girl ran up to the bed and jumped on it. She looked so much like my son that I knew it was Kelly.

Hello mummy, she said, they have let me come to see you, but I can't stay for very long.

I remember hugging her and talking, but I don't recall about what. Then all of a sudden, the light in the doorway shifted and I saw the shape of what I believe to be a woman, beckoning her back.

Kelly looked at me and said, I have to go know mummy but I will come back and see you again.

With that she jumped off of the bed and ran to the door. Turning to wave, she reached out and took the woman's hand.

I woke up. I felt very strange. It had felt so real. And this has stayed with me ever since. It is as plain as my everyday life. Mostly you forget dreams, and some you do remember, but this one is still as fresh in my mind as it was then.

Why did I think of her today? I don't know, maybe she was showing me her presence again, to let me know that she was still here.

Or maybe it was because, if there really is a heaven, then she just wanted to reassure me that my cushions were still here.

I feel a bit better now that I have got this out and written it down. I can smile again. The pain is still there, but it has made me remember myself, as a person with my own memories, and not just someone caught up in everybody else's problems.

Sometimes you have to be reminded that, once you were a young person, who had love and laughter, happy times and sad. But you are really the same person that you have always been.

Reach out and hold on to that shore, before you drift away and forget that you still are who you are. I am lucky, my son is a joy to me.

But I will never forget Kelly again.

© 2009 Nell Rose

More by this Author


Comments 59 comments

franki79 7 years ago

I am speechless, not to mention overcome with grief for you and your family. How sad it is but thankfully your son is there. Reminds you how short and how uncertain life can be.

Franki


cameciob profile image

cameciob 7 years ago

Hi Nell,

You are a very good writer. Your writing is just beautiful.

Your story is sad, but not pesimistic, because there is a warm light in your article.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 7 years ago from England Author

thank you for your comments, it was a long time ago but something I will always remember, thanks again lol Nell


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 7 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

Hi Nell, what a poignant story. I am glad you are OK with it now but such a traumatic event is bound to leave scars. Your writing is touching. I look forward to reading more. My situation is much like yours as my parents are gone now and my brother is about to sell our family home in Oxfordshire. Deeply disturbing time. Good luck.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 7 years ago from England Author

Hello Gypsy willow, thank you for writing. isn't it strange that people have similar situations? it is nice to know that I am not alone in this, about the family home. thank you again. Nell


FeliciaLMorrow profile image

FeliciaLMorrow 7 years ago

I really really like this. This touched me. I have a miscarriage at only 15 and am still depressed today. Stay strong. :)


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 7 years ago from England Author

Hi Felicia, that must have been really hard at that age, it was bad enough for me a few years older. thanks again and take care. Nell


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 6 years ago from US

I also miscarried our first child,long story. I was OK but for some reason I always knew that child would have been a girl although I wasn't far enough along to even tell. I went on to have a son and daughter I have never forgotten that baby and imagined what it would have been like with her in my life. I admit I don't think of her as often the older I get. Thanks for sharing.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, Pollyannalana, I know what you mean. Now that I am older I don't think about it as much, in fact it seems so long ago that it doesn't feel like it was me at all. But then something reminds you and wham. thanks again nell


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 6 years ago from US

Well I am closer with my son than my daughter and I guess all little girls dream of having little girls that will grow up and always be their friend, chances are she would have hated me too, lol.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hiya, that was quick! ha ha thanks. I know what you mean, I am sure if I had a girl we would have argued a lot. but I would have still loved her. girls do tend to rebel more than boys!! thanks again nell


aoiffe379 profile image

aoiffe379 6 years ago

I enjoyed the sharing, which I believe has started or is completing a healing process. We do not understand the events life toss our way. One lady shared with me the events of the death of her beloved son. I was grieving too as I had recently lost my sister at the time.By the time we finished talking, she told me that she had been healed. Although the loss for me was difficult, the talk had started the healing process.I hope this is true for you. Most of all, Kelly's visit added a unique twist.Keep on writing; it is great therapy.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, aoiffe, thanks for reading it. yes, it did help writing it down, but it was a long time ago, and sometimes things in life suddenly come back into your memories and start you of again. But I am fine now. thank you Nell


Rebecca E. profile image

Rebecca E. 6 years ago from Canada

Nell-- this is exactly teh thing I needed to read, see after a fashion it was good for me to read this, as I experienced much teh same thing.

Rated and Stumbled.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, Rebecca, I am glad it helped someone else, as it was difficult at the time. thank you so much for your nice comments and the rating. cheers nell


JannyC profile image

JannyC 6 years ago

This was beautiful. Stumbles work found this on stumble upon.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, JannyC, thank you for the comment. Really? it was on Stumble upon. wow, I got to go take a look! thanks again nell


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 6 years ago from US

Being the tell all I am, I will say who really knows what is best. All my childhood I dreamed of having little girls, two for me and two boys for my husband..so dumb..I wanted no more after over 24 hours of labor but I did have a little girl the next year and both looked like girls and she was just so sweet up until her teenage years, she just went wild and we have never been able to be close since, and she keeps my grandchildren from me as much as she can..you just never know what. My son and I are so much closer, but there are just things you'd like to share with a daughter, you know? But anyway I am glad one of them loves me. But maybe that's why I daydream sometimes of the one I lost.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, Polly, that is so sad, that's the trouble with children, you can bring them up but you cannot make them do things. That is what my mum always used to say. Maybe one day things will settle down. As she grows older, your daughter may begin to realise how important her mother is to her. Thank you again, I really appreciate it. cheers nell


Youngcurves19 profile image

Youngcurves19 6 years ago from Hawaii

What a WONDERFUL hub. sad but wonderful. This sounds exactly how i sound when i begin to rant although once the thought has been said in my mind its very hard to get it to sound as great as it did in my Head.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hiya, Thanks again for reading it. It's one of those things that set you of, and you can't stop thinking. Memories are a funny thing. Thanks again nell


Enlydia Listener profile image

Enlydia Listener 6 years ago from trailer in the country

Hi Nell, I'm glad you didn't delete this one, since I just found it today...some things take a lifetime to heal...or maybe it is just right to remember...I'm glad your little girl came to visit you.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, Enlydia, thanks again, It was a difficult time, but i try to put it behind me, but occasionally it comes to the front of my brain again, and wham go the memories! Nell


mulberry1 profile image

mulberry1 6 years ago

It sounds as though she came to bring you comfort, and I believe she did this. I'm sorry for the pain you experienced with her loss but perhaps the "dream" is a happy memory for you now.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, mulberry, yes maybe you are right, It did feel very real at the time. and I do think of her ever so often and wonder what it would have been like to see her for real. thank you again nell


Lisa HW profile image

Lisa HW 6 years ago from Massachusetts

Nell, your Hub caught my eye because July 20 of this year would be (around) the my own child's 30th birthday had I not had a 20-week miscarriage. It was only about a year ago that I decided to write my own story ("Yet Another Miscarriage Story"), probably because a family member had gone through two second-trimester miscarriages ("worse" ones than mine had been, but I was, of course, thinking about how long it took to get past it all).

I have three wonderful, grown, children (two sons and a daughter) - but there's a five-year-space between my eldest son and younger one, and only a three-year space between my two young kids. Somehow, even though I'm long past thinking about the miscarriage very much at all, there's always that big space between my two sons, almost as if there's some space "reserved" for that other child.

I had a turquoise teddy bear for that child; and just a few months ago I ran into a picture of teddy bear, colored it to make it look like the one I had, and posted it with my Hub on the miscarriage. ("Weird, sort of," I thought/knew - and yet I guess it was my way of finally giving that child the teddy bear that had once waited for its planned owner.) I don't know.... Somehow it seems as if miscarried babies are the ones who will always remain just ours, never shared with the world, and forever a part of us.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, Lisa, I totally understand about the bear, that was a lovely thing to do, I have just the one child, but I did miscarry three times, but the other two were very early on. I don't think that we ever really forget them, as you said in you family there is a gap, that wants to be filled in terms of age of the children. yes they do remain just ours, and even though my son has never really talked about it, and my exhusband seems to have forgotten about it, I never will. thank you so much for reading this. nell


NikiiLeeReyes 6 years ago

Beautiful; and Gracious. I can somewhat relate to you-- what probably hurt me the most is that something I wish to never happen to me, happened to you;I am truly and deeply sorry for your loss. See, I've been trying two years now to get pregnant and--nothing;;not a little bit. I feel for you; and not to sound crazy but seeing your daughter is truly a blessing. My backbone died when I was 7; similar dream, you gave me hope. Hope that I lost so long ago. May the Lord bless You & Your Family. Blessed Be.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, NikiiLee, Thank you so much for your kind words, this was a long time ago, but sometimes it still rises to the surface and hurts again. I wish you really good luck to get pregnant and I am sure that one day you will make a great mum, sometimes it happens when you have given up, and relaxed a little, I remember reading somewhere that taking Royal Jelly, like honey because it is from bees, sometimes seems to help people get pregnant, it may not work but it certainly is worth the try, blessed be, nell


Justsilvie 5 years ago

This hub really went to my heart. I so understand your feelings. In the last few months I think so often on the baby I lost 14 years ago and wonder what he or she would be like now and I like feel so lucky to have to wonderful sons.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England Author

Hi, Justsilvie, thanks for reading it, I am fine for years, and then out of the blue I just start thinking about her, it's funny isn't it how grief can just grab hold and keep you there, and then the next day it has gone again, thanks again nell


ahostagesituation profile image

ahostagesituation 5 years ago

Gosh, Nell, I'm so glad you wrote this. Every now and then those of us in the hospital need to be reminded of what these type of losses end up being for people long-term. We'll go through stretches where we see so many, that it doesn't make the same impact as it does when we haven't had a loss in a while. A woman losing a baby doesn't come to Labor and delivery unless she's at least 20 weeks along, so in the US, a lot of women miscarry in the ER. We had a patient a while back who came to us who was just under 20 weeks--some sort of mistake made with her dates in the ER--and afterwards her nurse told me the patient was actually apologetic about it, (how ridiculous that she would have to apologize, or even think she had to), but just said, "I'm having a baby today. And he's already dead," and just stared into space.

Thanks for sharing this!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England Author

Hi, ahostage, wow, poor woman! I totally admire you for being able to work in that situation, it must be so hard. It is funny really because when you are young, you tend to take it sort of, in your stride, or at least you think you are. you get on with life and try and put it behind you, after grieving for a while, but as you get older, it seems to make you remember it more, that is why I felt that I had to write this, just so that others understand too, thanks so much nell


DexisView profile image

DexisView 5 years ago from New England

Hi Nell, Babies we lose to miscarriage are always a part of us. Babies are carried under our heart for a reason.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England Author

Hi, Dexisview, thanks so much, that is exactly how I feel, I still think about her today, cheers nell


Granny's House profile image

Granny's House 5 years ago from Older and Hopefully Wiser Time

Hi Nell, so sorry you lost your daughter but I am happy she still comes to you to let you know she is waiting for you. Guess what? We have another thing in common! My daughter's name is Kelly.

Tina


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England Author

Hi, Tina, thanks for reading it, it was such a strange time, and the dream or whatever it was, was really surreal, I hope it was true though, can you miss someone you never met? Yes I think so, thanks nell


stars439 profile image

stars439 5 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I do believe in Heaven, and more. GBY


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England Author

Hi, stars, thanks so much for your kind words, nell


AngelaKaelin profile image

AngelaKaelin 5 years ago from New York

I have something similar. About three years ago, my husband and I were attacked and robbed by three men one of whom was a cop. I was 6 months pregnant at the time. When the cop attacked my husband and threw him into the back of a squad car, I thought he was being abducted (this is a problem in the lower states. I know a couple of people who have been kidnapped from their work and their apartments). I felt a terrible pain and I thought I was going to pass out. i had to fight to stay conscious because I didn't know what was going to happen next. Then they pulled me out of our vehicle and held me at gun point where no one could see. A man told me not to talk to him or look at his face. I fought with the gunman trying to decide if I could get the gun away from him. I thought, at that point, that I was the one they wanted to kidnap. They let us go about an hour later when "good cop" arrived. But, the experience resulted in the death of our daughter. And, what is amazing is she told me she was going to be born dead. I had a terrible nightmare about it. I was amazed when I saw her. She was dead, but she looked so much like my husband and I could see her in my mind as an adult. I still feel her around me. It is very strange - one of those things you couldn't tell a lot of people because most people wouldn't believe or understand. We are living in a terrible police state here in the U.S. Unfortunately, this is really typical cop behavior - but, it's another thing people don't want to believe is happening.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England Author

Hi, Angela, that is an awful thing to happen, I am so sorry about your baby. We do get police programs over here about the American force, and the secret filming that is done for the program shows shocking examples of police brutality. Luckily over here it's not too bad yet, but there was a case about two years ago of a man who was just finishing work and got thrown to the floor by the police, he died the next day! We don't have guns over here as much, only certain police and of course the criminals, not always thank goodness! it must be hard living in a place where everybody possesses a gun, thanks again nell


AngelaKaelin profile image

AngelaKaelin 5 years ago from New York

Nell,

Yes, the man attacked by London police who was struck from behind. That's a pretty famous one. Most don't get caught on film at all.

I don't think a woman alone could survive here without a gun. It's the only thing that has kept me alive. The problem is police with guns and the upper hand. Our police and judicial systems are just a racket. And, the cops are always believed over citizens (even though they consistently lie and plant evidence) unless there is a video tape.

I think they only thing that has kept this country from turning into a total nightmare is that people can have guns to protect themselves. I had a bunch of guys threatening to rape and kill me just last year (neighbors - I live in a beautiful semi-rural area, but where I live there's a lot of meth and other drugs - see the movie "Winter's Bone" if you want to know exactly what it's like). This went on for most of a year. They attacked one of my neighbors at the end of my driveway and were breaking into houses. The cops are mostly useless. I'd be dead except we can open carry here. I sleep with one inches away from me or else I couldn't sleep at all.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England Author

Hi, Angela, yes I see your point, it must be so difficult but to have protection like that must make you feel a little easier, I live in a small village/town, and its regarded as 'posh' and rich, never used to be, just normal, people taking in washing, friendly neighbours etc, but after dark it can get dangerous, luckily so far no guns, but attacks because of drugs is definitely on the up. England and its villages look so sweet on TV, but we do have the same thugs and problems especially in London, thanks again nell


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 5 years ago from Houston, Texas

Hi Nell,

So very sorry to hear about your miscarriage with Kelly but it is so nice that she visited you in your dream. I am now the only remaining person in my nuclear family with my mother and dad and both brothers now gone. So I also know that feeling of being alone. Thank heavens for my loving husband! We never had children. You are fortunate in that respect that you have your son.

Excellent hub and I am so glad that you did not delete it. Judging from all the comments, it is proving to be a comfort to people who have shared similar experiences. As humans we all share in the feelings of loss for those whom we love no matter the age of the person.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England Author

Hi, Peggy, thanks for your lovely comment, It was a really strange day, I suddenly thought about her, for the first time properly in years, I was going to delete it, but thought it could help some others that were or are having the same problems, I am so glad you have your lovely husband, and I am sorry to hear that you lost your brothers as well as your parents, it is hard, but we have to go on, but sometimes it is nice to just remember, my mum passed away 12 years ago today, so I am thinking of her, but I do tend to talk to her photo a lot most of the time! thanks nell


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 5 years ago from Houston, Texas

My mother's death was the most recent in 2010 and like you, I also talk to her. I have photos in several rooms. I also dream of her quite often.

Hope that you will be having a good day today! :))


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England Author

Hi, Peggy, I am sorry to hear that it was so recent it must still be so difficult for you, I am always chatteriing on to my mother and father! I don't know whether I believe they can hear me, but I don't mind, it makes me feel a lot better, thanks again nell


maggs224 profile image

maggs224 5 years ago from Sunny Spain

A touching and moving hub Nell I am so glad that you didn't take it off I can relate to most of it.

I had three miscarriages, many many years ago now, I never had the dream you had but I did have a dream or revelation that the two children I did have were not my only children.

In my dream/revelation I saw that the others are waiting for me in heaven. It brought me great comfort at the time, it is amazing what triggers the memory your hub triggered mine I have not thought about this in years :)Thanks for the memory xxx maggs


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England Author

Hi, maggs, it is strange that we both have similar experiences, I have no idea why I suddenly thought of Kelly like that on this particular day, it was as though time had taken me back there in that second. I would love to believe my dream was true, but maybe it was just my subconscious mind, who knows? thanks so much for reading, cheers nell


alocsin profile image

alocsin 4 years ago from Orange County, CA

This is so moving, Nell Rose, and my heart goes out to you. A couple of women in my family have had miscarriages as well and it is such a sad event. Voting this Up and Beautiful.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks alocsin, it was funny how it all came back to me that day, its something that is never forgotten really, it just stays floating around the back of my mind, thanks so much, nell


onlooker 4 years ago

Nell Rose, this was touching and beautiful. Sometimes we have to accept and move on, that is the way of life. Thank you for this hub about overcoming loss.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, onlooker, thanks so much for your kind words, nell


EuroCafeAuLait profile image

EuroCafeAuLait 4 years ago from Croatia, Europe

Hi Nell :) I came by to tell you that your new profile picture is really becoming, then saw this Hub and read it. Been there, done that - lost three in three years and after that, didn't want to live myself. Had some dreams like yours which I entitled Past life Flirtations. Finally I was able to have my wonderful daughter and no, we don't fight - least not yet, she's only 7. I'm glad you didn't delete this hub, look how many people related to it. Stay well, Anastasia


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, Euro, I am so sorry to hear that you lost three, I had a few too, some were so early it was unpleasant and heartbreaking but this one was the worse. How wonderful that you have a daughter, she must be a great comfort to you, thanks so much, nell


shara63 profile image

shara63 4 years ago from Delhi

you are a wonderful writer Nell...this is so moving, but than nothing in our hands...no one but our father in heaven knows about the secrets behind every happening in our lives....We have to just move on by accepting everything whatever our destiny has stored for us ...and you have done it very well..Bravo!!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks shara, it was hard at the time, but I am sure so many other women go through this too, thanks so much nell


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 2 years ago from West Virginia

O wow Nell, you have been through some tough times yourself. I am just reading this and it has been a long time since you have written this but I can tell you that every time that you think of her she is thinking of you and that is the connection and why you think of her.

Just like Pollyannalana I have a daughter that I love very much and has also turned away from me.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 2 years ago from England Author

Thanks Deb, yes it was a long long time ago now, but sometimes I really think of her, thanks so much again, nell

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working