risk assesment of a potentially abusive nature
Self Evaluation with Aim to be free from any risk
Not a nice thought: "It's something within YOU!" the counselling teacher said, as he walked me to the pick up point for my taxi home, after the residential section of the level3 (A) Counselling skills development course went badly wrong. Something within me? Not something within the universe that found its way here, and decided that I being the easiest target decided to attack me, and influence my thinking, and state of mind that led to actions, the condeming one I remain convinced that apart from the wish to be allowed, able to do I did not seem, to myself, fully in control of its action when the action of patting her bottom once occurred! -while hugging, which did happen with permission.
"Something within me!" Not something attracted or affected by a general group attitude, and manifestinmg itself into such thoughts as "We don't like him", how do we get rid of him? It is commonly known that "sex sells". Not least because it is the oldest profession. But marketing gurus are often preaching its properties and though dubious invariably seem to manage to make it sound like a "virtue", and so it becomes commonly known. We as a people believe it's good or "cool" to have sex. We all have a need to be wanted, even needed and getting sex, seems to satisfy this need.
And when do people speak of sex in derogatory terms? A prostitute just is, a weird sex act or subject is giggled about. In courts rape victims get blamed and stigmatised presumably for having the gaul to speak derogatively about a sub-section of the subject!
The thought occurs that my need to be needed outweighed any sensibility. She had a need for a counsellor, was my retrospective summation. I think believing that I would provide this, despite the fact that it should've been obvious that I was at said time particularly unable to.
Obvious because why else would I need to partake in a course that taught counselling?
It wasn't obvious to me though that I would need to build up to my ultimate aim, which I still haven't reached, even started for that matter. That I would have to start with easier things, to get the hang of it and develop experience etc. Not only to develop counselling skills, but to acquire and develop life skills. Dealing with people is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, they are so many, and have many varied modes and differing beliefs in how things should be etc. None seem comfortable in letting me find my own way so much that more often than not I tend to shy away from society.
By shying away, I don't learn the necessary life skills. So I become more isolated. On the other hand it gives more time for self reflection. A neccessity in the aftermath amid such a hostile kangeroo court. I'm not sure whether The Spanish Inquisition could be compared to this as didn't those 'questioned' get put to death. Well, no comparison as I've had to live with the isolation caused by the rejection from the rumour mongers, whom invariably like to spice things up with lies.
For instance. I was so Angry I couldn't speak, I seem to have been unable to put even this into words. I was angry, not so much at the rejection. This only ever seems to leave me with a feeling of sadness, and lower self worth not enough to prompt or invoke an angry reaction of the magnitude seen that fatefull night in that out of the way place. The annoyance was provoked by the way it was done, I now see that because she kept coming back, and saying some more things, and taking relations further. In the end game: "I feel I can hug you now", I can't remember what else was said between us, or whether I would reflect that my own answers were accurate in the cold, alcohol free light of day.
What still annoys me most to this day is the way it was done. The drunkards were duped into playing the counselling game that had been designed to bring out in a group all the things we don't say to people. In most cases this is obviously because it causes agrovation. Well, I blindly played it to its full extreme both under the supervision of the tutors, and in the dead of night after the pub had long since served its last for the night. Where the game question was raised to one person in particular "tell each person exactly what you think of them", every-one was liked except me, of course. This was repeated by another 'in' member of the sub-group. I don't remember whether this was repeated again, though I feel sure I was giving up any hope of being liked by any-one. Though I looked at some-one thinking they'll ask her next and she might not know. Well, she didn't know and was forthright to ask why I was being singled out, though not in so many words.
A twighlight game of Chess with a woman sent me hypomanic. Being starved of company, friends or even friendly people may play on the mind. But the mind for a time at least has an inbuilt ability to shut such painful things out. Therefore, they only come to a head when something, the reverse happens -that seems "good", after all who would want to shut out something that seems good? Only from completely closed off, having not considered as any possibility of company at all. To suddenly, comparitively, bombarded with this shut out thing. Company if any had seemed or become bad or unsafe. Suddenly it seemed good to have it. What I didn't have was appropriate schemma. Like mental information, due to isolation of good experiences of company, was not available. e.g. type of company, in this case strictly platonic. She made it clear she was married. But also ways to behave appropriately were either unavailable due to either not being taught, or not being taught firmly and persistently enough.
If I was looking for a girlfriend, it should've been considered by me that it wasn't going to happen here. Rather than my trying to push the issue. On reflection this came from a memory, like a tape that played back of the bit of information that came to me. Usually, though a rare occurrence, this came from overhearing other's conversations. One of these seemed to be a defensive tradition at school, of waiting until the last day before asking out the person you fancied. This seemed to go with fights as well. So as not to get in trouble, with gaps of two weeks or even one, such embarrassments would usually be forgotten in the new term.
My first memory is a senior school coach trip. Where I saw people getting along for the first time, and despite longing for a similar experience, due to bullies in school, and personal troubles at home when this opportunity eventually/finally presented itself to me in a YT course, It seemed out of reach. Much to my continued regret.
It also becomes apparrent that it must've felt like you / I weren't anybody if I didn't fancy somebody. This started early with the girl from next door continually asking who
I liked. And we didn't seem to have much else to talk about, if I didn't it went quiet. I remember trying to make myself like people, and even looking purposefully so that we'd have something to talk about. And in every case my "hopes" were always dashed! Still, I had the rejection to face, and all that goes with it. Add to that the abuser forcing me to look at women, and teaching sexual intonations. I hadn't much chance!
Other troubles were, one need seems to have become merged, -and forgotten, or "denied" or shut out with another. Being treat rotten continually, and persistently by proximity peers, and having to be dependent on a Grandma who believed it was an honour to be called for and gave me no right of refusal (or appeal), and a mother who seemed happiest when shouting, or putting me down in some way.
~ And suffering years of "being touched" by a perverted uncle in law (deceased).
And teachers who liked shouting as not doing homework was associated with nautiness, rather than stress or not being provided with an adequate environment to work in. So that stigmatisation of "being bad" wasn't much help, and shows the layers were being piled on hitherto over years from a very early age. So when some-one wanted to play chess with me, and this stems from one of the things Grandma went on about at any given opportunity, acting very surprised when people didn't -(now I don't!) So, I got it into my head that playing chess meant friendship. And when it didn't, as doesn't anyway necessarily though I didn't realise at the time, my self esteem took a blow because I felt I'd done something wrong. I had, and looking back was half aware for a moment, that is I sensed myself doing it, and could have stopped myself had I realised exactly what it was I was doing. -What it meant, or what it is taken to mean. She chose to end the game, and may've even thrown it to escape early. What's more I can't blame her. And I am sorry it happened. I'm even more sorry she didn't tell a tutor, though I feel she didn't want to raise attention to herself or get me into trouble. For a long time, I did not realise that it would not be a consideration of others that I was largely unaware of what I was doing...
I was oggling! AKA. Looking at women with the suggewstion that sex was on my mind. The truth is sex is rarely far from it. It's everywhere in the media. I was introduced to and over exposed to it from a very very young age, though not in such a way that questions, curiosities and uncertainties would be answered and negated, but that these would be increased and made worse.
In many ways throughout life this happened. I sought resolution through books. I'm not sure I've found the book to answer all, or even my most pressing questions yet. 1. Is it denial or fear or both that makes me switch off and "run away", get myself out of the situation, prevent myself "exploring" a genuine green light scenario on the few times these have presented themselves.
4 April 2010.
So the prior incident of chess was drawn up by the kangaroo judges and jury, and sentenced passed as unredeemable. Counselling is a female dominated environment. That is to say there is more of them. And having grown up in such an environment, I should by now have built up some ways to protect myself from their spotlight. Trouble is with new groups, every-one is friendly. And with all my confusions, frustrations and ignorances my need/s to learn, fit in etc. Were very much heightened. So my guard would have dropped a long way. I do seem to have fluked my way out of what may have been a worse situation, because the close mate of the big boobed blond that I developed this fettish for had offered me whisky before the residential to bring to it. I was so desperate for friendship I was willing to drink the whiskey. I know now that alcohol brings out this need, and urge to be free of social mores and personal restrictions. I also know that I am better going to bed when I'm feeling tired or zoned out, rather than staying up out of curiosity, need for any kind of company, and/or fear of being alone. They say "curiosity killed the cat!" well it certainly did that night! So, Yes. Curiosity is within me. Though I had an eight month relationship the year before, the curiosity though no douby brought out -too far- by the perverse abuser was still very much an unknown for me.
If you've had to live off staling bread for a long time, then suddenly you are presented with fresh. Your eyes too would goggle!! I was abused for 12 or so years from the age of about 3 or 4. The abusers mode of attack was progressive introduction (to new things) going by my age and susceptibility and compliance without question or complaint. He was a coward, in his circumstances I now see forcing would have shattered the illusion that he put over me that he was my friend, though doing such things as mutual masterbations, and nudity, massages, 'rugby baths' etc. as a part which turns out a condition of that alledged "friendship" that must by now be seen for what it is as a false sham! A manipulative lie. Perhaps bbb (big boobed blonde) somehow inadvertently managed to recreate the same confusions, and re-alight uncovered baggage in trying to form, establish some kind of relationship. Beyond the vaccuum of the actual sexual abuse was this constant ridicule and eroded boundaries from peers and family. The Mother, almost prophetically said I wouldn't make a professional footballer, teachers were keen to point out it was only a special few that make it -subtext added your not worth anything, don't even bother trying! So much so that when a scout asked me if i wanted to play for them, I was so convinced that it was another trick from the proximity peers that i almost politely if some-what passionately told him what i thought of his teams and sent the poor man packing. (Oh! what a fool am I?) Grandma's influence, ger persistence, having to survive living under her roof for so long. She said of me "he thinks he's the great I am" whatever that is, it must have been a conflict to her because she thought she was, she thought she couldn't possibly ever be wrong against me and forcing her decisions on me about "he's got to have friends", he likes his uncle" etc. etc. An endless unbreakable spell, not magic but adament persistence, refusal to listen or open any real lines of communication, while preaching the same with things i was able to dodge by 'not listening to'. The trouble is she wasn't really a "wicked" witch. Apparently, she was said to have had tears rolling down her cheek/s when i finally managed to find some-one i could talk to, who she would also listen to. As a child until my mothers ranting and shouting, locking me in when the abusers increased visits had been dodged one too many times, and manners or his comments dictated that it would be inpolite for me to go to my mates, whom knew, while the uncle in law visited. Still they didn't add up my not wanting to be there when he was around, and his increasing visits as maybe trying to catch me -together. It's hard finding out that those you depended on are stupid, and completely oblivious to what is going on!
This brings me to my main question. How does one not become oblivious to such things while not having to live with the constant concern at any given situation. Do I know enough? Does this mean that's happening? Was that a harmless joke or is there something to it etc. etc. Perhaps some will dismiss as paranoia, though the opposite then in these extreme terms is denial, ignorance, uncaring. These people are lucky, they've never had anything so much as shake their cocoon of "safety", or their perception of it. Easy life?
18 July 2010
Of the residential. I feel dissapointed with one man, whom came in smiling in the aftermath, at that point I thought it refreshing to see a pleasant face. Not realising that his smile may be pleasure at seeing me suffering. I was sat with two people, the whole group was predominantly social orkers, I've only recently seen media reports to show me more generally what they are like! It cannot have been about copping off, as I seemed to get the offer from one of them, only to react quite angrilly. On reflection it was a kind offer to add me to her list of bed buddies. I wish I'd declined more politely. While in the group interogation I'd said to bbb that "it would only be sex", she replied, though glancing at her next target -a happily married fireman who'd sat with us in the pub!- "Well come on then, she said!" Alas, it was all too public by then, and I'd noticed the look to and shocked look of dissaproval on firemans face. And so people just continued to put their ore in until the fatal point when some prat asked me how I felt. I showed them, not having the eloquence to say something like you bas****s know how to pick on some-one. Not one of them bothered to ask the tutor to make me aware that i gorped. Oddly enough I did this at school, but back then it was more to do with the fact my adenoids and tonsils needed taking out because I couldn't breath properly through my nose. I had an excuse to save embarrasment, but had they communicated like the course was supposed to be dedicated to, I would have at least had something to say for them. As I would've had something to maybe help make me aware of this publically undesired behaviour, I would have at least been able to say, at least there were those who tried to help make me aware without/before it coming to blows. As is I can't say much for thiose silly pil
**cks! ...It must be something within them!
I will end the blog here as it is very long, but know this. My fight to not become abusive goes on. I'm not alcoholic, thankfully, as I've been off it for years and don't crave it at all. Proud that I'm not even a seasonal or occassion drinker anymore. Nor do I like the attitude of those who must have one, and expect/demand that every-one else does/should so that they don't feel different or left out!!!
I am not suffering delusions that women or children be play things or objects. I do believe there is some-one for every-one, (those persons at residential weren't really for me -karmically!). But situations and circumstances and ignorance etc. gets in the way of our finding our true path to happiness.