Scrutiny & Security and Dialysis

Don't Leave anything about: Is this house safe?

Keep it Safe!
Keep it Safe!

Personal Security

Any-one in any group anywhere can experience threats, attacks etc. on their personal and group safety. Here are some tips of what can happen but don't have nightmares ...see those cowards for what they are and pity their narrow mindedness. I write this late at night as I see the importance to raise awareness of these health and security related issues. And hope that after broadcasting my conscience will allow me to sleep in peace again. -without drugs!

I'm just thankfull I've better things to do as I would not like to end up like such "people". I say "people", more like monsters with their minds fried probably narcotic related. While on the subject: I'm sure decriminalising, and God forbid "legalising" *(though most adicts and users don't care for the difference) such things doesn't solve crime it merely hides it. 'people' (there's that word again! If I say monsters from now on...) monsters have no regard for laws, and don't abide by them anyway. These aren't all back ally thugs. How would a supplier get access to drugs? Sorry, but aren't drugs supplied in Hospitals and chemists etc.? Not all 'caring professionals' (I use the term to mean every-one doctors, nurses, dieticians etc., etc.) not all are primarily or solely interested in care. For many the aspects of control are more appealing.

Such people are seen by the fact they believe what they say goes. And the feelings and thoughts of the patient seem unimportant to them. Perhaps not all are into the existential mis-use of the profession but it has often made me wonder. One example of being awoken late at night after an operation, and being pounced on and had installed a drip of "insulin" (I'm not diabetic), my bed clothes just pulled off, and my person fitted with ecg tabs and wires, a nebuliser shoved in front of my face and told it was to reduce potassium. This seemed pointless as I was dialysing that morning. And even though that was late I wouldn't be doing anything even remotely strenuous anyway! ...So what was going on? The way I was just pounced on shows that after a general anasthetic operation at least, people can sneak up on me when I'm sleeping. Note now that being on hospital books means they know who lives alone, when I have to go into hospiutal. etc. Besides this through casual talk, and assimulated friendliness people seem apt. to give other things away like when out visiting people, shopping etc. The Question is as simple as "What are you doing later?" (tommorow etc.). Is it polite to say mind your own business?, even "this is a question I prefer not to answer" can create akwardness. Even then it isn't foolproof as it is easy to be marked (ie. followed, waited for etc.) It's pointless my giving a list of tactics that I've seen as any-one can read these pages. And those with criminal intent could possibly change them. All I can say is be on your guard and try not to let them scare you. And above all stay within the law; don't react first and .. (if I say :-) "use only those safeguards considered necessary to prevent violence". Well this is tricky, the law as far as I can find (this not being easy raises another question: Why is ignorance always no excuse? With a law as this you'd think there would be people employed to educate people, TV programmes etc. dedicated to teaching as much as possible could be made entertaining enough to watch. And where are the books and magazines that unravel law and legal issues to the lay person? And without such how are we going to bring down over expensive solicitors fees???). If the boundaries aren't specified with such things as "minimal force", where contested it becomes a mere battle of whitts between contestants leading to different laws, outcomes for different people. Why should it be one law for some and another for others? And how can legal people justify the use of "ignorance is no excuse" when for purposes of financial gain such teaching becomes obscured and therefore difficult and impractical to find, learn etc.

To make things worse a good person is more likely to be punished. (treat badly etc.) than some habbitual or actual criminal. A case in point is prision where for a criminal it's a place to learn more and meet friends. But for some-one whose been set up it is like The Wild wood in The childrens novel by Kenneth Graham "The Wind in The Willows". Where The Mole found he either had to be fully armed like his friend The Rat. Or Rock Hard like Mr. Badger. For good people it is a very stiff test but for those who should be there, not so much!

While efforts to contact police for the more serious things like having a car driven at me. Isn't the best first reaction. Firstly, the policewoman was quite happy to "go and have a word with him" if I would say I'd seen him. This struck as pointless because he would be the first to deny, and no doubt able to call people from all corners of the globe to go and say that he was a thousand miles away at the time. And without a photo of the car complete with its driver and false licence plates. Note: The driver was different to the passenger, the latter being the patient as these people invariably take great delight in encouraging and pushing others to do a thing/s that are likely to get them in trouble, and then quickest to claim "nothing to do with me, I didn't do that! No way that has anything to do with me! etc." Such people invariably cause trouble in places where there wouldn't otherwise be any. It seems in this case they wanted a reaction, I went for my mobile and they drove off. As this was before dialysis I feel now there motives weren't to mow me down. But just to try to scare me so that I might say something in dialysis but I'd already picked up on the fact the scales were tipped against me there. It's strange how some places have cliques more than others, or how one fits in someplaces and not others. There was a transfered staff member from the place I was going to the place I was at at this point. His eagerness gave away their agenda if it weren't already obvious. I overheard him talking to others a few times. And this is the point where any police or officials reading will suddenly lose interest, as they often have at points like this. They've even checked that they won't get anywhere they don't want to be with the question "Is this patients?" I get the feeling had i said it was i would be leaving a lot covered up with the potential for much work to be unraveled or come to nothing in the end. It would be a kick in the teeth to see the guilty nurses being 'witnessses' and pretending themselves to be squeaky clean. When this is largely born of their motives. Extra funding must be offered for those patients labelled "difficult" or "unusual". It may be that "v-o-l-u-n-t-e-e-r-s" are needed for t-e-s-t-s and those that have been given over to the state as "in-patients" are less able to communicate what is going on with them. And of course as they pick their own staff will be privy to who gets the extra work. I can also hypothesise (ie. "guess") why hospitals don't want a ban on illegal narcotics. It would be more money for them to dispense it. (Though I suspect they'd have to employ more people, and hang on but don't those currently pushing, aka. dealing etc. have all the practice here? And to clear the point alcohol is a drug and the use of it should not be encouraged in public, and social places -like smoking!). If this makes me sound like I don't like hospitals? Well I'd much rather not need one, thanks. However good it might be. As for gratitude for the care. It's not the actual care I'd ever be ungrateful for it's the purposeful lack of it. Another doctor advised that I was making it up. This ignores how groups stick together. No matter how outside of the situation they are. Though upon reflection I can see why such people don't want to hear about failings in the system they work for or under because then any attachment somehow becomes on those grounds. So it shows there is room in the system anyway for flattery. I wish I'd wrote something like... "While the current doctor is superb, clear an expert in his field. I find All methods are not the same however, and I feel your guidance is more compatible with my own wishes. And would be very grateful if you would Please accept me back on your books as soon as possible." The doctor I wanted away from did know his stuff, I will give him that but he was adamant that we'd all do it his way. While the doctor I'd wrote to was much more relaxed and focussed on the patient being as free as possible despite the constraints of the illness. Being ill himself, it later turned out, he would have much better understanding of it all. I'd name him to THANK HIM but he might not appreciate that. Thanks anyway Dr. ... .

As far as not appreciating my care goes, would they say that of those who spoke out about the imfamous Dr. Shipman responsible for the murder of all those pensioners?

odd things do occurr, though always there is a plausible explanation. When i was looking to get out of exile from the health care trust that my address comes under. Many indicate they would've thought the address specific trust would've exhausted all the possibilities under its own durisdiction first. The plausible explanation or excuse was that there are a lot of transfers and covering for away staff to other units within the particular organisation. When I eventually got to the unit my instincts told me to go to in the first place and came across some of the staff from the rogue unit making their cameo appearances. They were different hiding their true natures and walking on egg shells at the more reputable unit. Though some tricks did occur, but it seems easier to put up with such 'people' occassionally, and away from the alcove they've created for themself than to have to put up with them day in day out on territory they consider their own. Though it seems in my struggle to break free from those who expect to raise funding from the mis-fortune of people they supposedly care for I may've inadvertently have given them the idea that my requested destination was some kind of safe haven. Perhaps it was before my hamfisted attempts to get there. I should've just maintained the fact that if home was out the next best place was where people i know live with cars willing to visit if needs be. I had no-one where i was. And while I wouldn't advise mixing business and pleasure I felt somewhat the odd one out, and felt I had to get away. So I campained again. I think I missed my first opportunity because a meeting was offered and I couldn't help it or describe why but I felt some negativity from the last one. The way the icas worker seemed to make the decision. And the way I was made out to be the bad guy. This was, still is something of a strange feeling as 1. I have no criminal records, and no reason to have nor want any! And 2. I feel I always play it straight, sometimes I'm told too straight. I refused to go at first. It took a couple of weeks and a bit of coaxing from the doctor. I thought it was very kind of the place to allow me the choice of doctor to help with my cause. I decided on the doctor who made plain that he'd voted no to my coming. I decided we had that in common! I went and got told to watch my behaviour. Whatever that meant. I pointed out that on coming I'd noticed posters warning against violence to staff members. I didn't point out that there's nothing to say violence and hatred towards patients is also wrong; an occurrence which most likely causes the other. I did make sure that they knew i had not been violent or hateful towards others. He said "no-ones talking about being violent." and confirmed about writing in dialysis. I thought about this since, and while it is annoying as one should be allowed to use such means to get through the 4 hours as they so wish. I didn't see anything published from it, eventually shredding bags and bags full having been dialysing so long. Also it is annoying when rude staff think they can look over your shoulder. As an Artists work is best viewed when it is completed.

I eventually got to the unit some months after the meeting but it took three letters. one from my GP., another from my local MP. and one from a vicar who I know. When I got there I found a patient who before the exile had stood with a male nurse, looked my way and was heard saying to him "yeh, I'm in.". The best dialysis places are those with separate rooms, or with dividers, not the round rooms where you're stuck staring at each other for hours on end. TV isn't much to many. And thankfully some-one must have sense as we're in different rooms. Though one idiot tried to put me in with them. I was more amused than anything. Put my headphones on to drowned out the background noise, and beeps of machines etc. And went to sleep for much of the duration! The plausible excuse for her to be there was part of some drive to have people dialyse in the town where they live. Rumour has it of the place where I originally left is people go from the main unit in the city to that place, only to go back a week or so later. I'm told there are several cases of this. The unit has a way of picking and choosing who it wants.

So, if there is no cure or way out once in such a situation. Surely the question is begging to be asked. And MUST be answered is How does a person/s prevent themselves from getting into such situations in the first place? (As every-one is different, and places may vary I cannot say this is a universal pattern).

I seem to have started at the main unit for dialysis. And because I made no attempt to stop a nurse/s from manically reducing my weight. This was 4l. even if I managed to come in with little or nothing to lose. And nurses currently have the power to alter target weight. Which they seem to as practice when coming in or going out. While I did say something, they or she had all the answers, I felt unable to question or stop her due to the fact I was new and still didn't really know what was going on. I know now, and will share it for any new comer to what turned out for me to be such an uphill battle.

First notice when people are up to something they close rank and don't want the person it affects to know anything. It's hard to find even professionals who know who will say anything even privately. And often only time will tell if it is true. Removing "water" weight is one thing but how can they claim it is all water when they have no way of knowing. Certainly no easy or cheap way. Though there are machines I feel that these can be recallibrated so the calculation is actually wrong and changed in some places against those singled out as easy or weak targets "newbe's" singled out for manipulations to transplant! Considered by doctors, and others making money from it no doubt. Even though I made it clear from the start that I didn't and don't want such a thing!

There is no floor to the dialysis-manufactured claim of "ideal weight". I was taken some 10 or 12 litres below weight that I was at when passikng normal amounts. This took time because first the body asks for more and so seeks to replace it. Then it stops output. (that is to say passing water is reduced and eventually stops. Unfortunately due to the progressiveness of the illness. Once it is significantly reduced may be impossible to bring back. Though to bring it up gradually, and trying to eat more than is drank. May help with a consistent exercise programme to help build up strength and keep the muscles contorting. Which they do by the repitition of cramps and lack of exercise. More quickly on dialysis than the natural course of time.

Once you are low, that is considered what you are, until there is a drive to change it. Say if blood pressure is high. Reducing weight this way makes it become unstable and blood pressure (b/p) can drop. This, I believe is the body trying to find it's own regulation. But because its natural biorhythm has been affected. That is due to having to reduce urine output. Note that it is not natural to have to wait a day or two before being able to go to the toilet to pass water. Effectively that is what dialysis is taking over. Once this happens it is only a matter of time before the patient experiences instability on dialysis and faces going back to the main unit. In my experience it is then only a few months before they die -assuming a transplant is out. I'm not waiting to go that far with this illness. I feel that I've been badly mistreat (including things I haven't mentioned). I have been badly mistreat. For one thing had they left my weight alone I believe I would still be in a relatively good state of health.

At the time I was on Lozartan Potassium 100mg. It was said that I could get off these by reducing my "water" weight. And while a lot of words were being thrown at me. I didn't notice the speech "because your kidneys aren't producing or passing water..." but they were still at that time. Looking back I would've stayed on the tablets AKA. "Cozaar". Because when it kept going low. And from being only half of a stone to one stone over the GP chart for size and weight before starting dialysis. To being 10 or more litres under it once dialysis set in. I got a trapped nerve when trying to get out of the chair after it was all over for the day. I found I could not straighten. And in my panick pushed, and forced myself straight (so I could go straight home, and because these places are well understaffed, and I didn't get on with them it was harder to ask for their help. I'm not sure what they would've done if anything different!). Though now I have a trapped nerve. And in trying to increase weight to allieviate weight. With some success (and physiotherapy -which I didn't need before!). there has been some allieviation but I feel I will never now be right.

The obvious question that may follow is: Why don't You want a transplant? And the amount of times I've been asked this, and the various ways from shocked to demanding! And from taxi driver through to doctors. Makes it all feel like The Spanish Inquisition! The amount of times I've wanted to say "It's none of your business, my reasons are my own!" and though they are I feel somehow obliged to educate this ignorant world in case there is some-one out there who might appreciate it. So I will give it. As well as others that I've come across because, believe it or not I didn't realise why for a long long time. Until the pressure got too much from over zealous transplant doctor/s and the nurse/s who pander to them. And there really are those that do! And lets not forget the patients who OBEY these. Often with a passion that leads them to illegalities that the professionals would not care to do directly for the sake of their precious incomes.

The reasons are in no particular order. Before I realised my own I even tried to come up with things just to shut people up, because believe it or not there are those that seem to go on a crusade about the benifits and try to pursuade people for saying "I don't know." It is recommended not to go through with it if you yourself aren't sure whether it is for you. One nurse said "You are naughty!" though she was a bit strange generally. They really do cling to their "family model" of care. Despite my asking on more than one occassion for a more social model to be employed, like the client model. Even though I'm not directly paying because of me and others like me they are getting paid. I could not understand the reluctance until I realised how much control they would have to give up. Like controlling parents who manipulate when or until shouting through "dis-obedience" occurrs. This tends to lead to being listed as "Difficult" on their records. And this leads to many treating you differently. Often nurses etc. assume they'll get shouted at or something but tend to push to test boundaries. Such as being less giving when requested something. And being generally moody etc. towards the labelled patient.

Reasons:

There is an issue of harvesting. Even, if not especially in the more "developed", money orientated countries. I'm not going to go into how such things are funded, or where and when they happen because it is not something I ever would want to know. My concern is, even if the cause is genuine why should some-one have to die so that I can be free from dialysis for however long. And when I say this even the doctors admit it is only a holiday from dialysis. Not a miracle cure by any stretch as the media would have us believe as it is high maintenance and does lead to complications such as contracting other illnesses much more easily. It not working etc. My life was rubbish before, and would still be 'rubbish' even if freed from the monotony of dialysing three times a week. This can be less monotonous when you eventually, as in my case get to a unit where you can get on with some, most of the people there.

I have no dependants, therefore no need to be around for any-one. I've delibrately avoided the risk. Not least due to lack of drive, but because I don't want this hanging over me. I have other reasons for not wanting children!

When I was growing up, I suffered a lot from illnesses. Mainly colds and flu, which I'm told you get a lot lot more with a transplant. The complication was the school did not believe my stress related weak immune system, or days off were genuine and at one point sent the school board man round. Now my experiences with the dss (social services) tell me distinctly that they would take every opportunity to reduce my money should employers sack or refuse to employ me on the grounds of my weakened immune system. And such is the law in england, at least those that need it's protection don't seem to get it -quickly enough. Nor can I be bothered spending my life with complaint proceedures etc. Though this seems to have been forced on me at one unit due to lack of any real interest in finding out what I wanted. I'd write a letter with perhaps a bit of shock involved therefore communication would've suffered a bit. Only to find a formal investigation being launched. What is the point of this in a place where the minority are singled out, stifled even silenced, or prompted to lie with the hope of recieving favour etc. (though such things go on all over the place, and I do not wish to lead people to think that it is just hospitals, or all hospitals, all wards for that matter. But these are genuine experiences of some)

When I was trying to get out of the rogue unit. I could not understand why they was trying to keep me there. I since realised that the best method to get out of a place is to say. "Look, it is not working out here, I would like a transfer to (place)." On the other hand when I did this I was told by the grinning transplant doctor "It may take some time". By this time because in writing the complaint I had acknowledge what they were doing, they seemed to gain a great deal of confidence in the thought their efforts were having some impact. This made them worse. What is more, some-one who uses formal proceedures is less likely to have at their disposal the unofficial, or illegal ones that thugs and cowards tend to prefer.

It wasn't obvious to me either, even though I had phoned switchboards before and asked for people, or their secretaries direct numbers. And this is ok. Who would I speak to to get a transfer? Does it have to be another doctor. Certainly as the current one was trying to keep me there. And I know this was for more abuse as I had found out that similar things happened to other people. And reliably informed that an Asian woman had to be committed after a spell there. I still can't figure if the person telling me this was adding to the scare mongering, or actually thought i would also find it funny. I tried to hide a cringe, but isn't even trying to hide something obvious?

The doctor covering the unit thought he was incharge of it. Should therefore take responsibility for his attitudes when his staff insight and encourage patients to misbehave out of hours. He seems to think he owned me, when I arrived in the first meeting he said "you're under me now." I was shocked. Surely it was just a figure of speech. (?). I was under the impression that a doctors job was to advise of the treatments they considered best. I never once before thought that the patient was obliged to take/do it unquestioningly. From the way they got angry, frustrated despite their persistance that I wouldn't have a transplant. Adding to their fury when I declined to see a specialist for my throat. No reason would be good enough for those dictators. When they were reacting nastily to the only way I have to clear it. They shrugged at my explanation of "I choke if I don't clear it.". Their shrugging was part of their attempts to belittle, and fear mongering which they got off on. Despite their hared, if anything more so because of it there is no way I would have my throat operated on. The main thing is living for your dreams, I once hoped to be a singer. Still hope though those idiots would have me committed for clinging to what despite my desperately clinging to the dream must most likely be out of the equation. Though it is mostly put to the back of my mind unless something like this comes up, I feel if I gave up on it, I would soon enough find a way to end my life. Probably by ending treatment and asking for pallitive care. If this was refused like my wish for a line rather than a fistula formation was for over two years. Having had it taken off me in the first place by the dictator doctor. Looking back he seems to have been a right Hitler! -expecting things to be done his way. It's a hard process to capture and record but there are modes that catch the unsuspecting in any, every walk of life. I was caught in a weak moment/ period of time in my life. Too trusting and not quick enough to realise is this for me? Nor strong enough to stop the process from the doctors persistent endless arguing after an arduous dialysis when I just wanted to go home. To not thinking of cancelling the letter when it came as though it would be some adventure or something? Distorted thinking plays its part. But this is made worse by the fact people, doctors only tell you what they want you to know. I wasn't internet ready and didn't know about blogs etc. back then. I'm only now getting used to the idea.

**

I really never thought it would be so easy to say to those in office "It's not working out here. Please transfer me immediately, or at the next available gap back to ...(place). It got to the stage where I was contacting the healthcare commission, and The "Independent" Complaints Association Service. Although I got a transfer because I was finally allowed to see some-one outside the unit. The transfer was their choice, not what I had in mind which was flatly and bluntly refused. I had actually asked at the unit for a particular placement to be refused somewhat stroppily at one point. At other times I was told "it doesn't exist!", and officially by a head sister at the unit. "You're not leaving!" adding "I'm peeved now, because alot of people have worked hard to make things a little better for you here.". And to add to my belittlement she also said that the doctor at the requested unit was asking if there was some-one willing to swap with one of his patients. I wish I'd known then to contact him directly. Why did they want to keep me there? The answer is something to do with funding and control. I'm sure they get more for the aforementioned asian woman who has to be restrained -actually being forced to dialyse despite indicating that she doesn't want it. I've seen this with my own eyes! And frankly if I lost my freedom I would not want to continue treatment either. I made a legal Living Will to state the fact in no uncertain terms. Neither would I wish to be kept alive mechanically -that is more mechanically than I am being.

As for the claim "People working to make things A LITTLE Bit better for me", I pointed out when I realised that "for every ounce (gram?) for me there was a ton (many kilogrammes) against!!!". As for closure of the place turned out to be a blatant lie. It took over two years to get that transfer. Then another 2 or more to get out of the place they'd put me. Which I only agreed to because the icas worker was quite in awe of the officials. (I thought at the time like a groupie to a rockstar). It turns out their place had many friendships with the place I'd been working so hard for so long to get out of. I felt I didn't fit in at all, and the same sort of incidents were occurring on the street as had at the first unwanted place. Such as people hanging about, looking for trouble such as walking into me or standing in front and at the last minute walking into my path. On occassion this took the guise of walking in front slowly so that when I over took one would try to kick my legs from under me. I wish I'd crossed over and reached for the mobile phone or something. I never thought of this at the time. Luckily they didn't get me to ground but still their lack of manners and blatant ignorance etc. is pitiable! devise counter tactics. Be ready for these things. No law that says face it alone, or that you have to pass them etc. I phoned the police after one skirmish when they were considering coming back. I didn't go into the pub in case they had more people in. They ran off when I phoned The Police. I have a no criminal record and so have nothing to be ashamed of in requesting the laws help so as to keep my record clean this way. I did have to block a punch in the meantime though.

It was clear from their mentality they were on something. And had I gone down to ground, I would not only have been beaten up violently such as cowards do, but robbed as well.

Personally, I feel that The NHS should refuse to treat adicts who overdose! As it is self aflicted. Beit smoking, drink or drugs! Though with smoking the older generation did not know of its harmful effects. I'd put a date limit on this. We do know however that drugs deaden the conscience that is to say cause psychosis which basically means not seeing anything wrong in violent and unsociable, unruly behaviour. And that drinking is a drug so that if you make yourself ill (though thisis not as easy to do) it's still your own fault and no-one should be or feel obliged to treat you. In fact if they do choose to, a three strikes and you're out ystem should be enforced. While methodone should not be the only method of treating it. "Cold Turkey" - if the person is kept warm and looked after is the best measure. Painful symptoms are only temporary and would serve as a reminder for the person to not get back into it! The fact that no such place is set up suggests that sympathisers of drug addicts etc. have actually got into the system. Which when you look at it isn't that hard to do! You will have heard of performance enhancers in Sport. Some drugs actually enhance a persons ability to study! ..Not without side effect though.

How do victims, survivors deal with this problem of personal security? One of the first things I realised was they are only showing me what they are afraid of happening to themselves and their own. But I want, must stay within the good side of the law. Remember not to slight the attackers this is fuel for their raging fire. And probably they already know, and care less what low lives they are. Make it clear you don't want to know. Not necessarily to them directly but to the people they speak to who obviously influence them, or just speaking generally but still a "not for me" approach is better than a "What I think" mentality. What do I think about what? What does what I think matter? Send that to the politicians it may have more value.

While I've been illegally followed, stalked, had my windows stared into etc. There is several counter measures. One of which came as a necessity (it is "The mother of all invention!"). We already know to go round in groups. Also I realised they rely on targets having routines: doing the same things at the same times on the same days. They got confused when I kept changing this. And held no set pattern. I stopped friends visiting to protect them from also being targetted. Though I gave them the full low down of what was or is going on so that they didn't become offended with me. (some wanted to go round blowing peoples houses up while they slept. I said NO! But it is nice to have friends, even if they do struggle to express their anger appropriately. DO NOT RESORT TO ANY VIOLENCE OR YOU BECOME NO BETTER THAN THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to keep God on my side. Hiring a detective was a good idea. Though I found with some if it doesn't involve looking into peoples bedrooms "in case of an affair!" that they become less interested. One tried to cover this saying I was strange, even paranoid. Well as for the former accusation it felt so because it was an unusual situation for me. With the latter insult at my intelligence as much as anything. It is only so if there is nothing actually going on. Having said this by the time I'd upgraded house security etc. And hearing the worker fitting extra locks talking to the site caretaker. Not caring who was about. As it happens a young lad was hanging about. One of the members of the gangs that had been seen before. He gafawed at what the two said about me and sloped off. The lad seemed only 8 or 9, and was on his own. It shows how families of criminals rear their young to become criminals. Sentences are too short and it has been said their leniency isn't even a slap on the wrist, more of a handshake.

When people were staring into the flat windows, despite net curtain. I had to get blinds. I kept the net curtain up. Bought lights with lower ouput, and shades to cover them so that it isn't so easy to see in, or to tell even whether I am in or not. My living alone seems to add to vulnerability. I am reluctant to take on a partner, certainly before she knows and fully understands what has been going on. I even turned one love away without even aclnowledging her because I felt she was too beautiful to have to handle it. Remembering the Asain woman who couldn't take it. (This is for her, and all liker her who've done no real wrong except to find themselves trapped) -If you're loved ones can't help you, the law is notoriously slow and lenient, the police don't keep things on file after three months. And you should've seen the amount of faces change at the Question "...Patients?" ---To my answer "Yes. And staff." There was a point to calling them though. I'm not one to put up with such things in Silence. And if one person doesn't believe me, or can't help some-one else (or group?) might.

professional Security personel have been employed to watch the premises while out. At times that couldn't be changed. It is worthwhile having a longstanding neighbour or friend keep an eye out too. As you never know. And the hard part is not knowing. I say long standing because people have actually tried befriending me to 'get in', to see property to get a map of the premises and see if there is anything they want or can sell. A woman even actually pretended to be lost and in distress one night. I didn't leave her, nor did I try to play the hero. I called The Police. And from what I heard in the unit the day or so after. This was a good choice!

It is wise therefore not to buy anything worth stealing! Avoid named brands, even new items unless it is unavoidable. I wouldn't bother even with an extra tv. Not least as there isn't much for me to watch. Even a computer was sought from repairs, and as there's internet tv. on the increase does any-one need a tv as well??? We could make do with just computer, and a program for an alarm clock! Even pages could be printed over the net. So theoretically much can be shared, or taken to a friends etc. You get the gist. I draw the line at underwear and trousers but have got other things from charity shops. And care less what people think anyway. My extra money goes on physio, massage, AT lessons and an exercise regime to try to stave off the physical effects of dialysis. I even took counselling privately to avoid the systems own extensions to what it considers "care". Taxis go some way to keeping stalkers at bay as it is more personal and they come direct to the house where people know me (some, I suspect, even like me!). Remember good people are hated. A leach doesn't care what type the blood is, it merely wants to eat and can think of nor cares for any other way that it might achieve this. As a result I don't have to worry about Insurance companies paying out. Nor have any need for them. Even my funeral is pre-paid! This is personal choice and am entitled to it.

Sympathisers seem to hide in vagueness. And say curious things. "We can't actually sack any-one!" ...Why??? This from The Head Doctor of The Department in the whole durisdiction covered! 2. "We weren't there so don't know what (*if anything* -unsaid!) actually went on." ..Well, why didn't they actually contact me and ask? Why wasn't I offered an appointment sooner? I don't know why I didn't tthink to ask, so I suppose I can't condemn them for not thinking to offer. So long as no-one from the unit was attending it would've been ok. I would, in the early stages have accepted things being done more informally, so long as a good resolution, of mutual benefit was worked to resolution. Instead it feels like they were relying on me giving up and seemed confident to beyond arrogance that I would go the same way as that poor asian whom my thoughts are with for her and her family. Though it wasn't racially motivated because I am white. Although the driver who seems to have had vetted me in the first days and weeks, from the cruel way he laughed may've been looking for some racial comment which he didn't get. Though this itself may've been to determine where I would "sit". (I hate cruelness of any kind. I am however concerned about issues of overcrowding anywhere. And feel immigration with births should match emmigration and mortality rates according to need. ie. If it is considered we have enough within say a 2 million range then the immigration numbers can be increased for that period etc.But we do need a maximum capacity set like every sports stadium).

Back to Security: Before I took the vow of no posessions. I spoke to a crime prevention officer. He said add a couple of sash locks to your windows, and don't leave them open. He also sent some marking equipment to chemically burn in to equipment. I also got permanent, uv and laundry markers. I also bought motion scanners, window/door sensors that chime or/and alarm. Alarms both that make that horrid noise and that ring out. Cameras to fit to a net connection was thought of but may have security issues if every-one can see in. These may work outside so long as they aren't communal because said crime syndicate actually got people into the premesis, and.or befriended through common practices and hanging about etc. some less scrupilous people who live or frequent the neighbourhood. Some with tennancy are known to police. Others appeared at times when they expected me to appear and wait for transport. I've said before my record is clean. Due to a dream of one day being able to work in such a way that requires a clean record. Were I to give up this dream it would still matter to myself as there's no way I ever want to become nasty like that lot! My friends would not be friends if they were serious in their initial shock reaction. I waited inside for the driver to appear. This way I had an extra witness. Luckily nothing happened. Nor would i have tolerated it. Many tried to be over familiar, and act like they knew me. This was weird as i didn't know them. Nor did i fall for the trap of saying "Who are you." Whether rightly or not I erred on the side of caution that their real motives were/are far from friendly. Always look for the edge. Thank fully a neighbour had more backbone than I and sent a nutty woman away. I heard him say in no uncertain terms "You've been told not to come round here!" And I wish I had thought to say this when she was trying to get in, or get me round to fix something. (An obvious trap, not least from the clumbsy way things were done). And pretending to be more stupid than it is possible for any-one to be given a place of their own. Though she may've been a "care in the community" project. I've always been dubious about this cost cutting measure. And hasn't this Thatcheright scheme been dubbed "Crime in the community!"? After all it is senseless. Whose going to be stupid enough to try to look after or help some-one that will hurt them?


Suffering

This blog is dedicated to the 'under class'. Those who still believe do anything your told to by any-one who happens to be wearing a uniform. Those who forget that freedom is not doing what you don't want to do. For all those who have noticed the posters that say "violence to staff won't be tolerated", yet say nothing as to how much tolerance will be given for violence towards patients! I really was told in a letter to "Watch your behaviour", this is vagueness to the extreme because all that was actually said in the meeting was that they wished me to stop writing. Apparently the staff were claiming that I was writing about them. If they were better behaved, I'd only have good things to say wouldn't I. I do admit that sometimes I wrote to jog my memory for letters later to not suffer in silence! But most of the time it were poems, or to do lists. Even philosophical thoughts. All had to be destroyed in case of theft for the sake of my privacy being kept in tact. But the exercise seemed to be a powerful aid in helping to keep my head above water. Not least because 4 hours is a long time to do nothing. Therefore why shouldn't I write whatever I want. Is there not freedom of speech? Hence this blog because part of security is in raising awareness. You've heard the saying "Safety in numbers."

There are those who mis-use and abuse the authority they have. In that particular unit, things seemed geared to 'scare and tell' tactics. People the target doesn't know, but I strongly suspect it is easy to find people that will cause others hassle and get off on it in some sick and twisted way. Notably those who commit crimes and go to prision, or even "community help" schemes find a rich source of like minded people. It is reasonable to assume that all communicate one way or another. It is therefore reasonable to assume that setting up 'pranks' is as simple as them saying to each other "we don't like him", or "she winds me up!" ... "What are we going to do about it." know that a criminal is defined by the way they 'deal' with situations. They assumed I would follow a pattern of reporting to the nurses just because they had uniforms. My psychology training served me well as it became obvious from their behaviours that they were up to something, and easy to summise what that was. I wasn't going to rely on friends of theives and tormentors!

I wish You safety in your dialysing experience. And hope you find relatively good people in your unit of choice. If a place is offered try that place first. Don't try to do the workers a favour by going to a place nearer to home for convenience. Especially if you've already experienced troubles in that place. There's probably loads more to learn. Don't let any beating make you weak. Either mentally or physically. And don't spend your own time worrying aout what they can or may do next. Or even how to beat them. Offer them no joy -no food for the leeches! Be well in your thoughts and prayers, and keep exercising. This is the hardest part.

May your dialysing days be as happy as possible.

Best Wishes

The days leaper

update of red arm rash


I found out today that the rash that occurrs on my forearm could be phosphates most likely being high. The plausible answer from the new unit vastly contrasts the problem one where I was told "Well, it's not our dialysis!", but this was said as part of an attempt to try to make me think it was.
Though I still cannot rule out sabotage as it is a very diverse society containing many a clique, the first satelite unit also tried to induce paranoia that I might be locked up then they would've had more control over me.
That is there sickness! Was it an extreme need to be in full control of a person, their care? I was called "naughty", and shouted at in very despising ways when I wanted to opt out of treatments/investigations. This just got my back up more.
Finally, though I managed not to say no. All the posters that say "violence to staff won't be tolerated" some of them don't seem to understand why they get hit/attacked! But it seems violence against a persons own requirements, sensibilities and wishes does tend to be persistently attacked, in some units more than others. Despite this though my behaviour was quite exemplory in that I didn't attack but I made sure a lot of people knew what things are like there.

The problem with not suffering in silence is when some-one assumes you need rescuing. And assume they know best...

Constant Survellience

BEFORE: A BAD TIME

I remember telling the staff at the dodgy satellite unit that there was a neighbourhood watch programme. (there was, but being owned by a Housing Association those people had long since moved on). I was trying to scare them off having had 'visits' -people waiting until I got home then leaving as soon as my back was turned. Though why I used this tactic, I don't know because it is a poor area anyway and people don't have much worth taking!
As a result the crime syndicate got people on the list. Once they started getting in the previous peace I had enjoyed was under threat. They also scared a lot of random people off. The old lady, braying on her door and putting ladders up to her window. Where was the police while this was going on? And it seemed to happen when I was in dialysis. Or as no-one told me when I must assume they waited until I was away so that I couldn't identify them.

NOW: THE GOOD NEWS

With the advance of technology; people don't need to be on the same street to watch over their neighbour. The Smartphones help while you're away to check through the IP camera if anything is going on at home. Nedighbours can look on their PCs to keep an eye on things. Cheaper than paying for professional services if their are numerous people that you trust. You can have each with a list of names to phone if they see anything going on. Make sure people know the nearest people to phone if you're away. A quick response is essential and you might get a detective if necessary for repeated attacks, otherwise a security guard company may do. This way the crime syndicate does not know where the surveillance is coming from and will find it hard to figure. No doubt giving itself away by their behaviour for those with an astute sense of observance.

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Absent Friend 6 years ago

Many assume care workers are simply "sainted".

They fail to see that people have many reasons to get into this work, as well as the fact that employers must choose from the pile they have available. Which political constraints can and do affect.

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