IS IT EASY TO FORGIVE and FORGETT?

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Everyone of us experiences situations when we feel hurt, misused, attacked, robbed, slandered, misunderstood, cheated or seriously victimized in life.

There are varying degrees of pain we feel as response to situations inflicted upon us by other people. Some levels of pain are very small, and do not affect us for long time, and they just let us carry on in life as if nothing happened.

There are the other situations where the wound is so deep, that we find ourselves crippled by it, not knowing how to get out because pain is so strong that it seems unbearable... these are traumatic situations, and actually pain is result of post traumatic effect... I would not want to use term PTSD, because all people have that as result of traumatic experiences, but basically that is that.

SO HOW TO FORGIVE AND FORGETT and LIVE AGAIN?


First. Privately admit to yourselves, you have been hurt! Recognize this and be honest to yourself . At the same time be aware all people experience the same, so you are not only one who is suffering. This fact will immediately make you feel better. Although you are feeling hurt, this is normal part of life, your pain is not the biggest one in universe and certainly there are so many people facing the same problem as you are, so you are far from being lonely.

  • Share your problem with somebody, with your friend or professional counselor is very helpful, but this is just first step. When we can share to somebody our problems, energy of pain just stops to attack us, but ONLY IF WE HAVE INTENTION TO REALLY OVERCOME IT. If we talk just because we want constantly look like victims and get not help but little compassion from others, sooner or later the others will not want to listen us any more.
  • next step is - look around and find others with similar problem as yours is and try to listen them and help them. Very soon you will find out that they are around so many people with even worse pain that yours is... so your problem will suddenly became very minor in your own eyes, what is big relief. While being online, you can find so many wounded people to whom you can help and try to comfort them. This step will give you big sense of compassion and you will learn a lot about type of problem you have to face.

Secondly, (and this step in the process, is no where near as easy as it sounds for it often goes against our human nature) we need to forgive...and this is the most tricky part of story.

Many religious / spiritual teachings will tell you - to forgive your offender and some of them will teach you even to turn another cheek. If you accept that as ultimate truth, you will maybe forgive your offender, but you will continue to be victim of the same or some another person, up till you understand that things do not work that way. It is simply not possible to forgive somebody else if you did not forgive yourself at first and if you do not understand WHAT FORGIVING REALLY IS.

Process of forgiving is not only emotional, it is actually mental, and requires UNDERSTANDING and LEARNING:

1. At first you need to understand - yourself and your inner emotions and beliefs which brought you to the condition that you have been hurt, even more, seriously wounded. You are consciously or subconsciously attracting all happenings in your life, only way that you stop doing that is to become more aware about that fact and to decide to learn how to attract more positive and fulfilling situations. One part of beauty being here on Earth is that we can create "new ourselves" and then we do not need to stay imprisoned by our own past experiences.

2. Learn more about your own body physiology, how your brain and nerves function and affect your feelings, what are your body-programs which create pain and traumas, and how to overcome them. When you understand functioning of your body-systems, you will be able to easily forgive yourself and the others many more things then you ever can imagine. Knowledge is powerful tool, without knowledge we are always helpless. I have written about "secrets" of our own body chemistry concerning suffering in my Hub about overcoming the guilt and fear (as well as in that one which explains why doomsday will not arrive.)

3. As soon as you start to understand, you will activate that parts of your brain which are necessary for process of FORGIVING, and OVERCOMING TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE. UNDERSTANDING = FORGIVING.

4. This mental process will open your heart, so emotional part can follow mental procedure. Though the active positive mental effort, your body and soul with get information that you are serious about healing the pain - and you will be rewarded by waves of positivity and suddenly you will be ready to feel love. 

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Forgiving the other person

After you forgive yourself, when you are ready, you can start to forgive your offender, following the same principles. Put yourself in his/her shoes, do not pitty him/her, just try to understand reasons and try to look the world through his/her eyes.

Understand, that by forgiving your offender, you are not letting him/her off the hook as far as consequences are concerned. By forgiving, you let yourself off the hook of pain, emotional infection and revenge. When people refuse to forgive, they choose to carry the pain, the anger, the bitterness, of the situation around with them every minute of the day and night. To a person who does not forgive, the situation becomes an permanent emotional wound what attracts new emotinal wounds in life.

Forgiving to somebody else does not mean that you never need to tell anything to another person and that you just have to remain silent, because deeply in your soul you will still feel as victim.

On the contrary: if somebody seriously hurt you and IF circumstances allow that, you have every right, even a duty to explain another person that his/her behaviour was not OK. How anybody can find out that he/she is bullier if there is no other side to tell, write or show him/her: STOP; THIS WAS NOT OK at all , the other people deserve better behaviour !(of course, not every situation is appropriate for that, neither every person. Be careful.).

If you cannot directly communicate with your offender, you can also write about it. The other person will get "telepathic message".

Let out your anger

Your anger also needs to get out: when we are helpless and angry, anger stays stuck in the arms and legs: so boxing the pillows, throwing them around the room, running, screaming and exercising, can help you to remove this negative energy from your body...

Visualisation of revenge and forgiveness

If nothing else helps, it is very spiritual to imagine that you are boxing and slapping the other person, to satisfy natural reactions of the body. But finish that "ritual" with positive emotions, please. If you do not finish your "visualisation of revenge" with positivity, forgiveness and understanding, you will not close the circle, so at the end imagine this person as little helpless child , and send him/her love, peace and forgiveness.

The last step is - remove yourself mentally from every imagining past troubles.

For very heavy traumatic experiences, EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitiation and Reprocessing therapy) is excellent one for quick healing of the heaviest traumatic memories. In one of my Hubs, also suggested technique of Healing traumas with Angels of Karma for those ones who believe in angels (for me this technique had excellent quick effects of healing many traumatic experiences).

And yes, people who had a lot of traumatic situations, very often need to use various natural remedies for calming the nerves etc. even after traumatic experience is completely healed. Nerves need much more to calm down completely.

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So often it takes effort to achieve peace, but every step we take towards the peace is worth it. It does not come as gift, it comes like product of mental effort.

Peace is the highest blessing. Peace is  ocean of joy and abundance, peace is brilliant water for the thirsty soul.

I wish you to live in peace

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Comments 42 comments

dohn121 profile image

dohn121 7 years ago from Hudson Valley, New York

You brought up and extremely important topic, Tatjana. PTSD is a aerious issue that will only escalate in the future as more and more soldiers are contracting this as more are being deployed. Thank you for sharing your insight and a resolution to remedy this.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

I think whole humanity has PTSD today. Thank you for reading and commenting Dohn.

Hugs


emohealer profile image

emohealer 7 years ago from South Carolina

You wrote about one of the things I have been trying to learn and understand the most. One of the most important and hardest things for us to do. Forgiveness does indeed start with self. In fact I am discovering more as we forgive ourself for the part we played in allowing a harm to come to us, the other person is forgiven automatic by us releasing them through realizing that they only played a role in our belief system of self doubt or fear.

A very well written step by step with more than one alternative recommendation for those seeking to take this very important path in life. You truly have a healing spirit and a gift to share that with anyone truly seeking. Thanks!


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Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you Emohealer for your very valuable comment.

I think many people will have benefit of your explanation.

Thanks a lot for visit and comment.


BIKTMIA 7 years ago

Great article, no it is not easy to forgive depending upon what is constantly brought up or how it is meant behind the back. Yes, I believe you can forgive if you feel or see it is someone etc. that is going to be beneficial to your life and going to be helpful. If its in the your face conversation you can address it or explain the why or all the factors involved. I believe weigh whether its worth even having the person to be forgiven in your life. Truthfully I believe if you don't have to deal with it then thats the past and move on to your future life not looking back.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you so much BIKTMIA for the comment, and even more then that: for sharing your opinion and experience.


quicksand profile image

quicksand 7 years ago

Hi Tanja, It is so very easy to forgive and forget ... especially so if you have not been at the receiving end!

Cheers!


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

He, he, you are right QS! Cheers!


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Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

soci, I deleted your SPAM. Do not ever do it on Hubpages!


Craig Suits profile image

Craig Suits 7 years ago from Florida

I want to know how you got so smart at your age. What? you can't be more than 24 or so. Talk about a diversion of interests! Wow! Homiopathic healing, black holes, body painting, etc., etc..Hell I'm 68 and I'm still learning how to spell things like "homiopathic" (see what I mean). Well I'll tell ya, if indeed, we do come back after death as another person, in another place, I'm personally gonna put in for Croatia...Who knows? There may be more of you!

Take care...


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Well, Craig, I am 43 now, just looking younger, he, he, he...

Thank you for many compliments, you also look at least 15 years younger on this photo.

Thank you for the visit and nice comment.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you very much for visit and comment, and sharin part of your personal experience. I am glad you liked it.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 7 years ago from Central Oregon

I think that the forgiving is the 'easier' part - it's the forgetting that sometimes can hang you up. I try and remember something from my own past traumas as a child and even though some of it still follows me like smoke, there is this saying 'good people do bad things' and that is just about as simple as it gets. I think that can be applied across the board for anyone suffering from PTSD and that thought alone can prove very healing. If you just get to the forgiving part, the forgetting part gets a little easier all the time (at least in my case) - so it doesn't have to control your life.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Well, Akischner if you did not forgett and is still hurting you, you actualy did not finish the process of cleansing your memory. If your traumas are just pale pictures in your head, which do not affect your emotions, then all is over.

Thank you so much for sharing your valuable comment and experience.

Today, almost all people have PTSD of some level. Constant tension and nervoussness plus all other diseases are just result of that.

You are very welcome, thank you again.


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 7 years ago from US

I think you rarely forget the things people have done to you over the years but you can get to the point you can help prevent incidents that bring it on even if it means staying away from certain people. I find the best way to forgive is to walk a mile in their shoes. Things in life make us all how we are and if we handle strife better and do not become bitter and like the people we need to forgive we should just be thankful. Its strange how forgiveness can turn things around in life, in ways we would never expect.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you very much Pollyannalana for the excellent comment. Your advice will be usefull to many readers.


edguider profile image

edguider 7 years ago

Thanks Tatjana for this hub. I think it is harder for some people to forgive and forget depending on their ego and pride, but I believe that one should always forgive and forget as time goes by..


VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 7 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

Tatjana: Forgiveness gets easier the more evolved the consciousness becomes because we begin to understand everything happens for a reason, all is perfect, even if our human perception may not think so, and above all harboring anger within affects our mind, body and spirit, NO doubt about this as you suggested.

Its interesting I was thinking just a few days ago, that there is one individual that I have some resentment towards, and its a stranger! When I first moved to the West Coast, this blonde older woman, gave me a staredown because I am Latin, and I was so stunned, I was speechless, as in I just stood there, and walked away without saying anything. I am not accustomed to experiencing discrimination but in a smaller town I got to experience it. I did approach her a few weeks later and very calmly tried to communicate with her, and she was rude and angry I approached her, maybe confused as I was not confrontational. A cop watching our interaction, smiled and sort of winked at me. Its time I let go of the silly resentment (I see her on occasion in town) as she doesn't bother me anymore.

I smiled at the comments that you look 24. Its true you look very young and I congratulate you, that is your spirit and good self care reflecting back. This is what keeps the body young!


msannec profile image

msannec 7 years ago from Mississippi (The Delta)

Wow, this is such an awesome post, one that I really needed to read because I am struggling now with forgiving someone who deeply hurt me and my family. Thank you for sharing this valuable information.


shanekruger profile image

shanekruger 7 years ago

Very well written post, i was really enjoying the content of this post. Nice information sharing on forgiveness.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you Edguider, time is in many cases very important factor in the process, I agree with you.

Thanks for visit and comment.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Hi, Mary, it seems that this lady might be jelaous on your look - you certainly do look younger and more attractive then her - enough for some people to become angry.

Whenever we do not feel like we do not belong to some area, we are not completely grounded there, so we become vunlerable to the "attack" of some domestic people. I think everybody experienced thatin some form.

You certainly do look excellent, become aware of that.

Love and hugs.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you very much Msannec, I am glad I could help you. Wishing you full recovery.

Peace with you.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you very much, Shanekruger for the visit and nice comment.


Ruby Hamilton 7 years ago

To forget is to forgive if you didn't forget then you

Didn't forgive


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

I cannot agree more with you Ruby, you got the point.


VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 7 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

Oooh, Tatjana: I had chills of confirmation; you are right, I didn't feel in my element living in a rural town and of course this is why I attracted this experience, it was right when I moved here and had a hard time adjusting. Thanks for the insight! Thank you for your beautiful comments. :)


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thanks Mary, love and hugs....


H P Roychoudhury profile image

H P Roychoudhury 7 years ago from Guwahati, India

Your hub is very important to every such victim and that teaches the ways and means to navigate the pains.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you, HPR.


Randy Kadish profile image

Randy Kadish 7 years ago

Good article. I'm still, however, having trouble forgiving. I think much of my trouble comes from never receiving empathy. Yes, it's great to share my pain with others, but in the real world receiving empathy is very difficult. So many people are more interested in giving unsolicited advice. Certainly sharing in a twelve step group with other members who have been through what I've been through makes me feel less alone and, eases my hurt. Also, what helps is meditating and reminding myself that much of my hurt comes from the hurt of my childhood. Finally, I try to visualize beautiful images, like a river.


articleposter profile image

articleposter 7 years ago

Thanks for this hub, informative and pleasant read as well


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Hi, Randy, majority of people do have trouble forgiving and forgetting. It is natural, our nervous system cannot forgive and forget so easily, we need and effort to do it.

I am glad that you have found effective ways to help you in that process.

Thank you very much for visit and comment and sharing your experience.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thanks Articleposter.


escritor profile image

escritor 7 years ago

I can forgive those who offend me...It is harder when they harm others and especially when they are unrepentant...continuing to hurt.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you Excritor, for sharing your personal experience. Forgiving is always a process.


Best CD Rates 7 years ago

I can relate myself to this article, as i have been through this phase in my life. Now i am back to normal and i thank my best friend to help me out. I agree with you sharing our pain with our friends is a good way to relax ourselves and try to get out of the trauma.

It is not tough to forgive and forget it is just your determination to do so. Believe in god and believe in this beautiful life.


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you very much BCDR - your comment will certainly inspire many people.


Agnee-Pariksha 5 years ago

Dear Tatjana,in search for healing and understanding the physical stress I have been through I can certainly agree and find myself in your article.I am going through the phase of understanding so that I can live in harmony and peace with the person who has done this to me and ofcourse to live relaxed with myself.

Thank you for your guidance and encouraging words to move ahead instead instead of being stuck in the hurt.

You have certainly inspired me too.Believe in god and believe in this beautiful life.

Wishing you Blessings for Happiness and Prosperity,

Agnee-Pariksha


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 5 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA Author

Thank you so much Agnee-Pariksha for your kind words - I wish you all the best - love and peace at the first place.


joan 5 years ago

My daughter said that my sister-in-law said my husband cheated on me. My sister-in-law would have nevr said that because she loved me and her brother so much and also my sister has been dead for 15 yrs. What was the purpose of her saying that to me. It was hurtful, slanderous and untrue.


Aysha khan 3 years ago

Hey m aysha i

Loved a person deeply deeeply he was near to

My soul we had a pious beautiful relaionship he send his parents to marry me bt due to some problems in his family he denied to marry i still

Love him n cant forget him:(

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