Top 7 WORST Christmas Songs
1. "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
Has anyone actually listened to the lyrics of this song?? Because it's predatory as hell.This song is date rape set to a festive duet, and to this day only a minority of people seem to have a problem with this mess of a song. There are countless other festive tunes that don't glamourize sexual coercion, so there's no reason to play this one.
The woman refuses to stay right from the beginning, which the male singer completely ignores:
"I really can't stay...
I've got to go away...
My mother will start to worry...
My father will be pacing the floor...
So really I'd better scurry..."
The song should end at this point with him saying, "Oh, okay," and calling her a cab. Of course, it doesn't:
"Say, what's in this drink?"
So it's implied that he's drugging her and/or plying her with liquor? How romantic!
"I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer?"
Yeah, she DOES mind, which is why she's been saying no for two whole stanzas now.
"What's the sense in hurting my pride?"
No one cares about your fragile male ego. "Hurt pride" is not a reason to pressure someone sexually or romantically.
"Baby, don't hold out."
Thaaaat's right, accuse her of being a tease so she'll feel like she owes you sex and put out! That's not horrible at all!
"I simply must go...
The answer is NO."
If her (quite clear) discomfort could be waved away up until this point, she has now very firmly said no, so the song should be over, the end, kaput.
"I've got to go home."
I can't believe this song is still going.
"Can't you stay awhile longer baby?
Well... I really shouldn't... alright."
COERCION IS NOT CONSENT!!!
If you never realized how horrible this song is, I think you do now. Don't listen to it, don't sing it, and tell all your family and friends how gross it is when you hear it. This song needs to die.
NOTE: This song could only be saved if the creepy parts were removed (so basically 3/4 of the song needs to be rewritten), and if it was then covered by a queer couple. Now that would be cute as hell.
2. "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
Yes, Africans definitely know that it's Christmas, seeing as
a) many were forcibly converted by white European Christians during colonisation
b) Christianity is currently the second largest religion in Africa, mainly concentrated in the Southern half of the continent.
They freaking know it's Christmastime.
"And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy"
Ah, perfect! We can ignore the structural evils of white imperialist capitalism and encourage poor Africans to just smile instead! That way, we never have to examine our own privilege!! Yay!!
"But say a prayer, Pray for the other ones"
It's only the fifth line of the song and they've already, literally referred to African people as "other." Welp.
"There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing
Is a bitter stream of tears"
Have the writers of this song never heard of the Nile River?? I mean it is only the longest river in the goddamn world.
This little blurb doesn't even begin to cover how fucked up and racist this song is, so I've written a whole other article for that.
3. "The Christmas Shoes"
The death of a parent, poverty, an act of goodwill by a store clerk and the innocence of a small boy all combine musically into a clusterfuck of Christmas-themed sadness. This song made me cry as a child when it came on the radio, and in all honesty this song would make me cry now, and I don't even believe in Jesus anymore.
I motion to ban this song from Xmas radio play because the last time I checked, ugly crying in public is not festive.
4. "Santa Baby" sung by anybody but Eartha Kitt
I am dead serious. Any other version of "Santa Baby" I've heard has made me want to get a free pass from good ole Santa Honey to mow them down with that yacht they're asking for (really, that's not a lot!). Madonna butchered this song with her pitchy rendition, and Taylor Swift's version a few years back absolutely hammered the proverbial nail into poor Santa's coffin. (And you just know Kitt is giving her mad stink eye from beyond the grave.)
A word to the wise: DON'T BOTHER COVERING A SONG IF YOUR VERSION DOESN'T ADD SOMETHING TO THE ORIGINAL. IT'S AN EXCEEDINGLY SIMPLE CONCEPT *cough* MADONNA *cough*.
Don't agree with me?
I will fight you. In the North Pole. With a sleigh filled with knives.
5. Anything off of Christina Aguilera's "My Kind of Christmas"
I don't know what Christina's kind of Christmas is, but it must involve decimating her vocal cords from over singing EVERY. DAMN. SONG. There's nothing merrier than partial hearing loss, right?Christina, I love you girl, but this album is a hot mess.
It's not that her voice is bad; it's that she SCREAMS EVERY SINGLE SONG AT THE TOP OF HER LITTLE LUNGS, and no matter how festive I'm feeling, I'm never in the mood to have Christmas classics belted into my eardrums at 100 decibels. STOP.
6. "War is Over," John Lennon and Yoko Ono
This makes the list only by virtue of the fact that John Lennon was an abusive asshole, which everybody seems to have conveniently forgotten about. It's particularly awful that he made this song for Christmas time, and it's also awful that people still love this song. I get it, it's catchy. But we deserve better.
The morbid irony of Lennon writing and performing a Christmas song about the end of violence with his battered wife singing back-up vocals truly is macabre. If Yoko Ono or anybody else were to make their own version of this song I'd be down to support that, but I am completely over glorifying John Lennon for his shallow, white hippie sentiments.
7. Anything off of Justin Bieber's "Under the Mistletoe"
Admittedly I already dislike his voice and general demeanour, but that wouldn't be reason enough to give him a spot on this list. J Biebs makes number 7 because HE'S A RAGING DOUCHELORD.
Looks like someone is getting coal this year (and every year, forever).
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