A Real Man's Guide To The Pagan Ritual of Valentine's Day And How To Get Through It Unscathed

Source

Valentine's DayTips for the Harried man

Oh hie ye away my married man thou dreaded day hath come

St. Valentine hath cursed thy soul, hath made thee deaf and dumb

Hath caused thee to pull out thy hair, hath made thee to go blind

St. Valentine hath cursed thy soul, till thee hath lost thy mind


Anonymous author

Suspected old married man



Ain’t it the truth, men! What? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Why you spineless excuses for members of the stronger sex! You guys used to be the masters of your domain, kings of the castle, lords of the realm and……well, you guys know what I’m getting at. And now, here you are wondering what is the right thing to do for your wife, fiance’, or girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. Flowers? Candy? Dinner? All of them? It never fails, something always happens which makes you look uncaring on this dreaded day.

You try real hard too! Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, a new twist on the old ritual is exhibited. Long ago it was simply a matter of giving your beloved a few flowers, a box of chocolates, and a card--and not the humorous sort of course--which is embellished with your undying love and devotion. Now things have changed a bit. But more about this later on.

Source
The original flower child!
The original flower child! | Source

Flower Power! A Whole New Meaning!

Back in my old hippie days the term “Flower Power” had a whole different meaning. An inspiring hope for peace among all nations and an end to nonsensical political wars.

Ah, the memories of colorfully clad, shapely young women wearing hip-hugging, bellbottomed jeans, gazing at the world through John Lennonish rose colored glasses while holding a single rose or daisy to their nostrils.

Can a word paint a thousand pictures? I’m not sure, but I believe a few of them strung together can.But apparently, all that has changed, especially when it comes to Valentines Day flowers. Where do I begin?

The flower thing was originally a good idea back in the day. A dozen roses used to be a relatively easy and rather inexpensive token of one’s feeling for the lady friend.

There were many different florists then and no giant superstore florists to navigate or deal with and it was a much more pleasant task than today.

Sure the order over the phone thing is still in vogue, but then it becomes a matter of finance which also seems to detract from the act of openly exhibiting the required and heartfelt devotion needed to succeed in your quest.


Valentine's Day Poll For Real Men

How do you feel about Valentines Day?

  • I love my wife and wahtever she says goes, despite my love of beer and golf!
  • I love my wife but I like beer and golf too. A compromise is in order!
  • I love my wife but I ain't drinkin' no wine! Reall men haveta draw the line somewhere!
  • My wife loves beer and golf too! Guess what we'll be doin' on that special day?
See results without voting
Killing two stones with one bird!  You probably won't get away with this one!
Killing two stones with one bird! You probably won't get away with this one! | Source
Source

But this isn’t all you have to worry about. In my personal opinion--and my experience has been gathered at my own peril over the past decades--I believe the fairer of the sexes change the rules every year just to make us work harder at expressing our adoration for them.

Not saying it’s a fact…just saying! it does seem as if some new gift or valentine ritual pops up every year or so to continuously muddy the waters for us men. We must stop this nonsense! As the late great Barney Fife so eloquently put it, "Gotta nip it in the bud, Nip it!

One year the popular thing could be a bunch of roses and the next it may simply be a single perfect specimen of the treasured bloom, intending to exemplify undying and perfect love by a single male soul hoping to please the most wonderful woman in the universe. Or something equally romantic and mushy.....er...heartfelt!

You see, it’s very complicated when beer, sports, and food hasn’t entered the picture yet and after all, this is supposed to be an article for men. Just be patient, there’s food and drink at the inevitable Valentines Day Dinner For Two we’ll discuss later on, but probably still no beer. So finding out what this year’s flower fad is ahead of time is the name of this game.

Google it, query the florists, ask a married sister, just find out somehow. I cannot stress this enough. I never said this was going to be easy, did I? If your heart’s desire works in an office-- or at some other occupation which requires her to be around other female co-workers--be sure you have the flowers delivered when the other ladies are likely to be there, otherwise the whole effort is wasted. This is serious stuff guys, don’t mess it up!

Good flowers=9 twelve packs beer

Source
Source

Sweets For The Sweet? Fools Rush In....

This is another touchy subject and it tends to differ from female to female. Unfortunately for you guys, you have to make a few decisions by yourself on this one. I never promised to make all of the calls for you. Sorry, there are some things my previous experience haven’t taught me. Is your sweetie a bit heavy? Is she on a diet? These things need to be given some thought as often insult can be taken from the most innocent and well-meaning of male gestures this time of year.

But if you do opt for the candy there are a few tips which could be helpful in getting this gesture right. Buy the good stuff! No chocolate covered cherries, no creamy filled chocolates with anonymous sugary goo which will eventually be thrown out anyway. Go for the expensive candies in the garishly foiled and calligraphically engraved box. Yep, Valentine’s day can be expensive.

Good candy=1 round golf

1919 Classic message of love!  This one will get the job done!
1919 Classic message of love! This one will get the job done!
1861 edition Saturday Evening Post
1861 edition Saturday Evening Post | Source
Cute, but you may not get by with this one!
Cute, but you may not get by with this one! | Source

Pick A Card...Any Card. Not!

A Valentine’s Day card is perhaps the most important written communication a man will give to his lover all year long. Nothing humorous will do for this particular aspect of the Valentine’s Day ritual.

Complete submission and heartfelt adoration is the rule of the day. Anything less and you’ve wasted a very good chance at being allowed to do a few things for yourself. Remember this, men do not get a Valentines Day.

Sure, the ladies will eventually endeavor to make a small gesture of recompense, but we all know that’s all it is. Blatant, out in the open, nonsense. Thanks for the scented cinnamon candle, baby!

I did try and be innovative one year and bought 2 cards for my sweetie. One was a rather funny card and was intended as a joke, followed by the second much more appropriate (from the ladies point of view) card to charm my distraught spouse.

Unfortunately for me, I left both cards in the same bag inside my truck before signing them and where my wife naturally discovered them purely by accident. She wasn’t snooping though, uh uh!

But of course, being a one-time fraud investigator, she figured the whole thing out very quickly. She surmised the funny card was for her and the truly, deeply, madly one was for my concubine. Not true of course, but she's the expert. Let this be a lesson men. Don’t try to get cute! This is one day of the year females do not want “cute”.

Valentine’s Day Card=10 pickled eggs

Champage Is Preferred, Of Course!

Sparkling wine for romance!
Sparkling wine for romance!
No beer until later!
No beer until later!

Disclaimer

I do not have to do these things for my wife. She's easy to buy things for and easy to please on Valentine's Day. I merely wrote this article for you guys who may have a wife not nearly as perfect as mine! And my wife DID NOT make me write this......she says!

The Valentine's Day Lover's Dinner

Okay men we’re finally here. There’s food in this one and perhaps alcohol too. Once again, it’s probably neither the particular type of food and drink you would’ve chosen nor the establishment you would have selected to partake of the said nourishment. It isn't going to be a Denny's or a home style buffet either.

Just bite the bullet and say it's her night and it's only right she choose the spot. I know, it hurts really bad, but it is indeed true that love hurts. If I'm not mistaken I believe someone wrote a song by that name based on St.Valentines Day. Yes it is tough, but at least you don’t have to make many more important decisions. That is, unless you are trying to decide how you’re going to pay for the meal itself. However,there are a couple of things you may want to consider.

Unless you are one of those rare, and extremely fortunate, I might add, males who have enticed a lover who also enjoys a good beer, and the fine establishments serving such divine beverages, you may as well order wine before, during, and after the meal. Of course you’ll want to plan ahead an have at least a 6 pack of beer at home to get the taste out of your mouth, but act like you really love the stuff for once. Chicks dig a cultured man even if she knows he's faking it for her benefit on Valentines Day.

I hope you have enough money left for this particular aspect of the evening, because if you have followed my advice you will certainly deserve a reward for having pulled off one of the most daunting challenges of any man vs. woman confrontation known to….well….man! (any introduction of Valentine’s Day balloons, or any other such frills may be a local fad or innovation . Can’t help you there!) Congratulations! I’m proud of you guys again!

Valentine's Day Dinner=weekend fishing trip

More by this Author


Comments 33 comments

SomewayOuttaHere profile image

SomewayOuttaHere 4 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

..good one Randy! thanks for the laugh!...i luv how you compare the costs especially 'good flowers=12 packs of beer' - visualizing works wonders...and for the men reading this - don't put too much pressure on yourself, just be you..otherwise she might wonder where 'lover man' went the next day


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

Thanks for the visit, SomewayOuttahere! Yes, I tried to make it so men could have something they consider important to compare the cost of Valentine's Day to!

Visualization is indeed important when dealing with dudes! Thanks again for your time and comments!

Randy SSSSS


donnaisabella profile image

donnaisabella 4 years ago from Fort Myers

I enjoyed reading this one and laughed a lot! Ha! How wonderful. By the way, thanks for educating me on the ladies' expectations for valentine, I had no clue. Normally a card, a rose or day out for us and the kids to a restaurant of my husband's choice has been okay. I know better now... Thanks for writing, this is a wonderful article, brilliant.


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

Ooops! Please be sure and apologize to your husband for me, donnaisabella! Tell him I didn't think the ladies would read this one! LOL!

Thanks for your kind comments and I'm pleased it made you laugh! Happy Valentines Day to you and your family!

Randy SSSSS


sweetguide profile image

sweetguide 4 years ago from River side

Nice thoghts on this special day. thanks dear Randy Godwin.


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

And thanks to you for reading, Sweetguide! Happy valentines day to you!

Randy SSSSS


Joy56 profile image

Joy56 4 years ago

funny..... lots of different ways of looking at Valentines Day...... well done.


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

I'm pleased it amused you, Joy! I hope this hub helps relieve the angst and terror many males associate with this pagan holiday! LOL!

Thanks for your time and for the much appreciated comments!:)

Randy SSSSS


FreddyCaple profile image

FreddyCaple 4 years ago from Louisville, Ky

Great article. I mean it....just fantastic. Nothing like a good mix of humor in sincerity. Thanks Randy!


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

Pleased to get your take on it, Freddie! Truth is indeed stranger than fiction! LOL! Thanks for checking out this hub and for your comments too! :)

Randy SSSSS


habee profile image

habee 4 years ago from Georgia

Too funny! You are indeed fortunate to have such a sweet, kind, loving, understanding, easy-tp-please wife! Disclaimer: Your wife DID NOT make me read this! :lol:

Voted up and funny.


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

HA! We are both liars! LOL! Thanks for reading anyway!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US

Funny and I love it. Insightful, yes!


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

Insight is often humorous, PDH! That's why it's so interesting to us. Thanks for the visit! :)

Randy SSSSS


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 4 years ago from Jamaica

I had no idea you were so much fun! Well, your writing of course. My fiancé hates Valentine's day so I try to forget that it exists but he will still get me a small box of chocolates or my favourite wine. He knows I'm not fussy but he still tries. Why are men so against Valentine's day?

That's poem at the beginning, I know the author you know!


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

Ha! How did you know I was the author, Cardisa! LOL! Cause the poetry was so bad? Men aren't really against Valentines Day. Well not too much, anyway! It's merely a time of confusion for many men. Me included, sometimes.

Thanks for checking out my musings and for your time!

Randy SSSS


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 4 years ago from Jamaica

My grammar sucks! "That's poem...?" Lordy lordy! Need to check out more of your hubs.


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

Ha! I often make the same mistakes while posting comments and don't notice until the edit time is up, as do most of us. Too bad we can't edit them for a bit longer, but no big deal! =)

SSSSS


Wesman Todd Shaw profile image

Wesman Todd Shaw 4 years ago from Kaufman, Texas

Well you've sure got a winning title here, Randy. You'd have to to get me to read something about one of the worst days of the year.

Well, I don't think about it much any more. Someone told me just the other day that I was very obviously an "eternal bachelor."

I'm not sure if that's all true or not - all I know is that I could use a special visit from the female kind about now!


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

Ha! Wesman! And the ladies wonder why Valentines Day causes so much stress on the men folk! Stick to the special visits as long a you can! LOL!

Thanks for the visit and the input!

SSSSS


Dale Hyde profile image

Dale Hyde 4 years ago from Tropical Paradise on Planet X

Great hub, Randy! As you probably know what drew me to it was the word "Pagan" in the title, lol. Well done, and it sounds like your wife is easily pleased as mine is. We are the fortunate ones indeed! I did splurge this year and had 100 blooms sent to my wife for Valentine's Day, as we had been going through some hard financial times over the past several years, and she did without due to that. Things are better now, so I have to remember to show that love by such things!

Voted up, of course! Thanks for allowing me a smile or two prior to calling it a night here on HP.


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

Sounds like you have a keeper, Dale! Despite the humor I injected into this hub, it's never a struggle to try and please a good woman with things which make her smile. However, there are always some "ladies" who do make Valentine's Day something other than what it is intended to be.

I'm glad you aren't bothered by the latter! LOL! Thanks for stopping by and for telling about your obviously much appreciated Valentine! :)

SSSSS


Dale Hyde profile image

Dale Hyde 4 years ago from Tropical Paradise on Planet X

You are most welcome, Randy! I did want to share that recently I started "pinning" and I pinned this hub and it was shared already by three other folks there. :) I am starting to like Pinterest!


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

Thanks for sharing, Dale! I haven't tried Pinterest yet as I haven't been invited. I wondered if it helped gain more traffic and apparently it does. Thanks for your time!

SSSSS


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 4 years ago

I was fortunate to have many happy Valentine Days with my late hubby. I have now been single for the past 27 years, but this is not to say I am without admirers.

One Valentine's day several years ago, I was home and somewhere around dinner time there was a knock at my door. I opened the door but didn't see anyone, when all of a sudden an arm was thrust in front of me, holding a vase of gorgeous roses. Up stepped a very close, dear friend of mine. Not only did he bring the flowers but also a box of chocolate covered strawberries. He gave me the biggest hug and kiss and I was totally blown away. He had never done anything like that before, and although we weren't a couple, we did go out to dinner now and then, or to a fleamarket or out for a ride on his motorcycle.

What made that Valentine's Day, which was just an ordinary day in my book, so special, was the total surprise of it all. :)


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 4 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

A wonderful surprise for you no doubt, Trish. A day for both friends and lovers is Valentine's Day. A surprise Valentines gift is something you won't soon forget. Thanks for your memories. :)

SSSSS


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 3 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

Well men, it's almost that time of year again. Gird your loins! (what does gird mean anyway?) :p

sssss


bethperry profile image

bethperry 3 years ago from Tennesee

There's nothing as amusing as the honest truth! I loved this article, very astute and quite funny.


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 3 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

As opposed to the dishonest truth, Beth? lol! Thanks for your time and the for the nice comments. :)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Randy.....LOL....after I read your article on Jekyll Island, before exiting your site, I decided to find another of your hubs to read. (You are a really talented writer, btw)

Typical female that I am, of course I saw this one. Your humor is excellent, mostly because you state facts and use truth about Universal human behavior. Nothing ever comes close to being as hilarious as simply relating the everyday interactions between men & women! (Oops....if I were a politically correct kind of gal, I suppose I'd have said, "between couples,"......but alas, I am not at all PC.)

I will STOP right here, before I get started on the stupid, artificial, money-wasting HUNDREDS OF "SPECIAL OCCASION DAYS" in any given year. My family & friends know not to show their adoration on days like this.....Birthday, Mother's Day...blah blah blah!

I expect to be adored 365 days a year! ROFLMAO.. kidding, kidding.....I'm kidding.................Up+++


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 2 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

Ha Paula, I had a bit of fun writing this one, However, my wife was unable to see much humor in it for some reason. lol! It is indeed true that "truth is stranger than fiction" in some areas of human emotions. ( I do bend a bit on V-Day merely to keep the peace you understand)

Thanks for the input and your time, Paula. :)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

OK Mr. Man.....Consider yourself lucky you only need to bend "a bit!"

I'll bet the bank your wife will love this female-friendly comment!! LOL


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 2 years ago from Southern Georgia Author

I try not to let Beth see these type comments, Paula. She is easily influenced by such radical thinking. :P

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working