Christmas - Is Christmas ruined for me?
Christmas is right around the corner. Wow how 2010 has just flown by. So much has happened to me this year. Things have changed so drastically. I've moved, I've bought a house, I've gotten married and I'm sure more will change before the end of 2010. But every year in December I'm haunted with memories. December has never been a good month for me. I feel like it is my "cursed" month of the year.
You see in December of 1994 I lost someone very dear to me. My father. He died while unloading his semi-truck. Crushed to death by his cargo. And only hours before that I talked to him on the phone. I was awaiting his arrival. You see, my mom and him weren't married. He would come for every holiday, every birthday. He was always there. He was my rock in a turbulent time. And when he never showed I knew something wasn't right. It wasn't like my dad to just not come. He was always there. Without fail. Of course my mom bad mouthed him and put him down. But in my little heart I just knew something wasn't right. Days went by and we never heard from him. I couldn't imagine why my dad wouldn't come. I started to hate him. Resent him even. Christmas Day came. Thoughts of my dad had passed and like any eager kid I opened presents and had a fun morning. I remember taking a nap that day. I also remember my youngest sister waking me up and informing me that my mom was crying and she needed to see me "right now". Reluctantly I walked down the stairs and indeed did find my mom in tears. Not knowing what to do or say I just sat down beside her and asked her what the problem was. I'll never forget hearing those words out of her mouth "Your dad is dead" You see my mom (like me) was never good with passing news on gently. Either way the blow was going to hurt, so she just let it out. I don't remember if I cried. Actually I don't remember much after she told me that. But the words still haunt me. And to this day I'm filled with sadness and contempt. You may ask why the contempt....
On December 21, 1994 my dad was taken from me and from this world. But no one on his side of the family bothered to call, write or anything. We had to find out via a phone call from my dad's mother. And this was on Christmas morning. He was already buried and in the ground by then. So to not be there for his funeral, and to not be informed that he had died is still stuck in my mind.
So is Christmas ruined for me? I'm not sure really. Since that day I've never really celebrated Christmas. Sure I've received presents and opened them. But Christmas, since that day, has never really been the same to me. I've learned to forgive the family that never informed me of my father's death. But somewhere in the back of my mind that thought still lingers. Would Christmas be different for me if I hadn't learned that awful news on Christmas morning? I know my dad would want me to live life to the fullest and enjoy it, but it's still hard.
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