Christmas cracker jokes

It'no joke!

Imagine the scene, a beautiful Christmas table, huge golden turkey in the centre, gleaming cutlery, handmade table decorations and Christmas crackers. The guests sit, pull the crackers and eagerly look for the jokes. Disaster! there are no jokes or they’re so unfunny that the rest of the meal is eaten in silence. Worry no more! Here a collection of the best cracker jokes I could think of.

 

Hair raising jokes

Jokes for the young at heart

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

 

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I
couldn't put it down.

 

This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says,
'Audi!'

 

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller
said, 'Euro star.' I said, 'Well I've been
on telly but I'm no Johnny Depp.'

 

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who
answered just went on and on.

 

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

 

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Because he was a party pooper.

 

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

 

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, can you smell carrots".

How do dinosaurs pay their bills? With Tyrannosaurus checks

How do you make an egg laugh? Tell it a yolk.

What bird can lift the most? A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it? A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear? Address.

What country makes you shiver? Chile.

What's green and loud? A froghorn.

What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.

Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon? He took them to a pignic.

Where do fortune tellers dance? At the crystal ball.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

 

For the older child

Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere

 

Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

 

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.

 

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.

 

The fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust

 

Has there been any insanity in your family?"
Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss

 

" There's one thing good about being poor - its inexpensive

 

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

 

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids

 

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road

 

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She has
> 14 kids but doesn't really care.

 

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and
> setting fire to my knickers.

 

Talking animals

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Comments 18 comments

jayjay40 profile image

jayjay40 6 years ago from Bristol England Author

Sorry can't agree with you there. Bristol is the best city in the world. All we need is some sun, decent roads, a stadium, better public transport, less crime and clean pavements; then I reckon we got it sorted. LOL


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

There's a few gems amongst that lot, i haven't been to Bristol since about 74 Nice city though, better than Stourbridge, but perhaps Melbourne would give it a run for its money. Cheers from Oz


jayjay40 profile image

jayjay40 6 years ago from Bristol England Author

Your granddaughter should enjoy these jokes as most of them are very childish, which is why I like them. Thanks for the comment


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 6 years ago from Australia

I love the cracker jokes at Christmas time, especially now that my granddaughter has learned to read.

Can you tell me where to join up "pensionbook" I'm ready. lol


jayjay40 profile image

jayjay40 6 years ago from Bristol England Author

LOL, Thanks for the laugh Peter


Peter Hoggan profile image

Peter Hoggan 6 years ago from Scotland

We got some Christmas crackers a few years ago, the box had a little label on it that said "contains adult humor". Here is one of the jokes that I can remember:

On Christmas morning Gran and Grandpa are preparing the Christmas dinner. Grandpa turns to Gran and says, "That’s the turkey plucked and stuffed dear, I need to get my father Christmas outfit on before the kids get here, so will you kill it and cook it!"


jayjay40 profile image

jayjay40 6 years ago from Bristol England Author

Thanks H D Cyr I also love silly jokes


H.D.Cyr profile image

H.D.Cyr 6 years ago

Love these jokes.

:)


jayjay40 profile image

jayjay40 6 years ago from Bristol England Author

I'm glad to be of use, most of these jokes were told to me by the children at school


2patricias profile image

2patricias 6 years ago from Sussex by the Sea

Pat says - I always try to encourage telling jokes at the table on Christmas Day. This year my daughter won't be here, but is insisting I set up a video link for 'joke time'.

Thank goodness I found this hub! Thanks.


jayjay40 profile image

jayjay40 6 years ago from Bristol England Author

A lot of the jokes come from the kids I work with at school. Over the years I've heard hundreds, I wish I could remember more.


M. T. Dremer profile image

M. T. Dremer 6 years ago from United States

That's great. My favorite is the fish in a tank. I had no idea what cracker jokes were, but I love the idea of them. Well done.


jayjay40 profile image

jayjay40 6 years ago from Bristol England Author

Thanks Dao Hoa, if there is room you may come


Dao Hoa profile image

Dao Hoa 6 years ago

They are funny. May I come to your house for Christmas?


jayjay40 profile image

jayjay40 6 years ago from Bristol England Author

thanks for the comment I'm glad you enjoyed it


sweetie1 profile image

sweetie1 6 years ago from India

tThats funny blog.. i liked it


jayjay40 profile image

jayjay40 6 years ago from Bristol England Author

Thanks for the comment-you are such a sweetie


mrwerd profile image

mrwerd 6 years ago from South West, United Kingdom

Ha ha ha! Love the PensionBook picture. I groaned at a few of the jokes. Perfect material for home-made xmas crackers!

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