Cupid is Back for Me on Valentine's Day

He's back for me, Mr.Cupid himself.
He's back for me, Mr.Cupid himself.

I can recall being a young child in Kindergarten when during all the holiday seasons, including Valentine's Day, each child would always look forward to the day of fun filled activities, no school work, no tests, and receiving cool gifts from our classmates, to nifty cards and treats. Those were the days when I loved all holidays, including Valentine's Day. Being a teenager wasn't so bad or horrific during Valentine's Day. In fact, I was quite a romantic myself. I loved to give to others as I would receive gifts, and unexpected treats from loved ones back then. I thought Valentine's Day was the best , while growing up, next to maybe Christmas. That was until I got older and wiser.

I've had my share of relationships, some good and some few gone wrong. The few that gone wrong took a tremendous emotional turmoil out on me. Though one relationship still tears and rips at me from the emotional, physical, mental and verbal abuse I had endured for years. One can never imagine how one relationship turned sour can turn someone emotionally numb from the pain they endure every day. I dealt with all kinds of roller coaster emotional feelings during my crisis. During that time, I realized that not only did I have some anger towards men, but my softer, romantic side of me had shut down completely. There was no romantic, no romance, no soft side of me. The mere thought of Valentine's Day made me sick to my stomach so horrible I became anti-love every year the holiday approached. I was cruel with rude remarks about how Valentine's Day is not the best day for everyone, and I have kept it up now for eight years. I've become a bit better over the past two years and knowing that it's just a holiday.

The true meaning of how Valentine's Day started quite surprisingly, if I do say so myself. Being raised Roman-Catholic, now turned Wiccan, I had discovered that Valentine's Day had been deprived from both ancient Christian and Roman tradition. The legend as it goes is said that the ancient Romans had a holiday on February 15, a festival of Lupercalis or Lupercalia. This festival was held annually every year. Since there was a rise in Christianity in Europe there was many Pagan holidays being renamed and dedicated to the early Christian martyrs, Lupercalia with no exception. In 496 A.D., Pope Gelasius turned Lupercalia into a Christian feast day and set it a day back, to February 14. He proclaimed this day to honor Saint Valentine, a Roman martyr who lived in the third century. According to Catholic, there is only three early Christian Saints by the name of Valentine. One was a priest in Rome, a bishop in Terni, but none is really that well known about the third Valentine. All three Valentine's are said to be martyred on the 14th of February. It's obviously clear that Pope Gelasius had intended to honor the first three aforementioned men. Some believe this St. Valentine was a priest who lived about 270 A.D. in Rome. He had attracted disfavor of Rome emperor Claudius II, who ruled during that time.

While Claudius II ruled as emperor, he believed married men were attached to their families and would not make good soldiers. He believed marriage made men weak, thus per say me not liking the holiday myself. Claudius had ordered to forbid marriage to assure quality of soldiers then. This brought uproar to the Romans of course. Valentine would secretly perform many marriages for young lovers. But eventually Claudius found out and Valentine was arrested. While in jail, Valentine met Asterius. Asterius had a blind daughter, and Valentine had some abilities, such as healing people among other abilities. Asterius knowing of the miraculous powers of Valentine, requested to restore the sight of his blind daughter.  It's said through Catholic legend, that Valentine, had performed  his faith for Asterius daughter.  Claudius was not impressed by his dignity and Valentine refused the banning of marriage. He even refused to recognize the Roman Gods to trying to convert the emperor.  For this act, the emperor had ordered Valentine his execution.

Valentine had formed a deep friendship with Asterius' daughter.  When she discovered of Valentine's imminent death, it had caused her great grief.  Before his execution, Valentine had asked for a pen and paper and signed a farewell message to her "from your Valentine".  A phrase that lives on even after today, and thus February 14 became a day for all lovers.  What is interesting is how Valentine's Day is a "Day for all Lovers".  Granted, I've been in a good relationship now for three years, I should be able to have an "open arm" invitation about this holiday. However, I've endured the stricken horrific pain of a past from this once loved holiday as a mere 5 year old.  From broken promises, a broken heart to even being proposed on Valentine's Day, to having later in life having my feelings and emotions ripped from the streams.  Having such not good luck on Valentine's Day and the emotional stress and abuse I endured in my past, has caused me over the years to become anti-Valentine.

Though I've tried to rationalize my feelings, past and pain, that  I've endured from my past of relationships I always encounter the hurtful thoughts and memories embedded forever.  Some, in which I tell a tale that will probably forever taunt me eternity.  Valentine's Day to me is not all what I expected when I grew up to be as an adult.   To many broken hearts, a broken proposal and marriage gone horribly wrong, to at times I would be forgotten about on the Saint Day.  As a child and even a teenager growing up, I must admit I encountered many goodies, to sweet gifts, to unexpected surprises at times.  Those were the times, as I was young, in love, foolish at times yes, and often too giving, as I was a loving romantic myself.  Nowadays, it seems unbelievable to say how I loathe this holiday, let alone can withstand all the heart-shaped candy, to flowers, cards, and all that romantic mojo.  It makes me ill thinking about it.  My current boyfriend can understand the pain and horrific abuse I endured in my past. Though he still will surprise me at times with the flowers, a card here and there, and often at times a sweet gift.  I might get mad at him, but know he's thinking of me at times, and it's from the heart and soul he put into doing that.  For people like myself, I must adapt to coming with terms of Valentine's Day.  Though a horrific past for me, and still emotionally numb, I still try to fight Cupid every year during February.  One year he's gonna get me and I'll be caught off guard and upset. Til then, I'll  keep dodging Mr.Cupid himself.

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