FREE Help For ALL 'Football Widows'
Ladies, Get Ready To Feel Good!
Well, ladies, I hate to spoil your day, but here it is, almost August. And you know what that means--football season begins soon. High school, college, and professional football, the sport that dominates most American households for three to four months in the regular season. Throw in another month or two for the play-offs and then you are in January, the New Year, and time for the BCS National Championship Game for college football and then The Super Bowl for the two best teams from the NFL to play for all the marbles.
All while you, the patient, enduring, football widow stays quietly out of sight except when it’s time for you to refill your husband’s bowl of Cheetos and bring him another Budweiser. But do not even think of asking for the television remote or worse, reach for it, because you just might get your hand chopped off as if you were bit by a rabid dog.
Men worship football. Let’s just tell the truth and be done with it. Let me speak for myself now. I used to worship the ‘football god,’ but as I grew older, my priorities changed and nowadays, I just catch the scores on ESPN or my local network affiliate during the late-night news segment. Oh, now in my twenties, my buddies and I would never miss a football game--in person or at home. We were there--beer, chips and all, ready to help cheer our teams onto victory.
Football, like most things in life, does grow old after a few years and I know that I may be asking for trouble or a hefty scolding from any man who might be reading this, but I’m serious. Life is more to me than gluing myself to my television for three and a half hours just to watch twenty-two guys knock each other silly just to win a game of competition. What real good does it do me IF my team wins? Be truthful. The only redeeming quality that accompanies my team being the winner is the bragging rights I might use when I see my friends in a nearby restaurant. And even that grows dim over time.
But all things considered, it has taken me years to fully grasp what all women (during football season) has endured and suffered through while their husbands or boyfriends find the ‘electronic mistress,’ their television, and dances with her every Monday night, Sunday afternoon and now sometimes on a Saturday when the play-offs are in full bloom. And I must say, ladies, (may I call you ladies?), that your plight has not gone overlooked. NO. I have been watching and waiting for just the right opportunity to come along so I can lend you these FREE suggestions as to how you, the forlorn, outcast, neglected, ‘football widow,’ can easily get through the 2011 or any football season without endangering your marriage, health, or bank account.
I don’t claim to be a genius. Or a gifted sociologist or even a life coach, but I do have some ideas that might be of help to you. What have you got to lose, ladies? You’re going to suffer some anyway when the football season ‘kicks off,’ (sorry for that term), so you might as well give my few suggestions a try. I hope you will find success with them.
First of all, do not throw tantrums, complain, do your vacuuming (on purpose--in front of the television) or other tactics of torment to cause your husband or boyfriend to turn off the game and be with you. These have been tried over the years and for the most part, have failed. Miserably. These are what your hubby or boyfriend expects, so I advise you to NOT do any of these rather childish maneuvers. What I suggest you do is take secret football courses that teach the new football fan the fundamentals of football. Then politely and without fanfare, when his game comes on, bring the snacks and beverages and JOIN him in watching his game. First he will be stunned. Then confused. When you start calling out the plays what each team needs to do, he will be amazed and happy at the same time that you wanted to join him in his annual appreciation for the pigskin parade. But let me warn you: DO NOT overdo your football wisdom, otherwise he will pout, sulk and act hurt at YOU knowing more than he does. Be moderate with his one. You will be fine.
This one may cost you a few bucks. Buy, for yourself, a smaller television and strategically place it to his side view so he can see it out of the corner of his eye. Then turn down the sound as to not disturb his game and on-purpose, find a movie with a very sultry female star or stars and see how long it takes for him to walk by your television just to see what in the world that YOU are watching. And before long, I wouldn't be surprised that he just quits his game to see more of the program that you are enjoying. If this happens, don’t laugh. Don’t say anything that would be considered gloating. Just smile to yourself, hold his hand and maybe he will take you to dinner.
Use proven reverse psychology on your companion. Hours before the game comes on, start dropping hints to your man and insist that he watch his game. And even dismiss him from helping you with whatever chores he normally does, just so he can watch the game. Am I stupid? No. The average man will automatically be very suspicious of why YOU want him to watch the game. After a an hour or two, his sense of being a controlling male will take over and he will demand that you tell him why you insisted on him viewing his game. You simply giggle with your femininity at work, and look at him with your innocent eyes and say, “Honey, it was only fair that you watch your game. You work hard everyday and I wanted to do something for you!” Guess what? One day soon, he will want to do something for you--and I’m talking about sensible-minded men here, not the selfish bums who love to just take over when football season begins.
This one is a tad risky. Insist that your husband or boyfriend invite all of his buddies over to your home to watch the game with him. He will look mystified. And then he will comply. At some point during the game, and I must caution you about how you say this and what you say, ask one of his buddies to explain to you what the teams are doing. The buddy will of course, jump at the chance to show off his male ego and football prowess and explain in detail what the teams are doing and why. Wait a little while and do it again. With another one of your husband’s pals. After a few times of you doing this, your husband will become disgusted and suddenly decide that the ‘party is over,’ and tell his buddies to go home--or something like that. Yes, your hubby might be irritated and ask why you asked his buddies about the game instead of him and you, very softly and caring, say, “Well, honey, I knew just how much this game meant to you and it wasn’t very respectful of me to interrupt you while you were enjoying yourself.” Nice, huh? Your husband will not know which way is up when you drop this line on him. But, thinking as a man myself, I can promise you that he will not be in a hurry to have his buddies back over to watch any game with him simply because he doesn't want YOU to go to another man for advice. This is how men think, ladies.
And finally the ultimate in ways to get your husband to either include you in his football viewing or not view it at all. Have a trusted girlfriend call you at a certain time and hang up. After she hangs up, you put on an Oscar-winning performance in telling his gal that you do not want her or any of your girlfriends to come to see you due to the fact that they would interrupt your husband from his game. Talk about his chest pumping out in pride! This, ladies, will do the trick. He will be so grateful and amazed at how much you value his hobby, he might do something really romantic for you like get you some flowers, a nice card or even better. Share a weekend with you--just the two of you.
Now, ladies, I am not advocating that you do your husband or boyfriend any injustice, harm, or verbal insults. I am merely suggesting easy-to-do ways for you to not be left out when it comes football time in your own home.
If you are a wife or girlfriend who really doesn't mind for your mate to watch football, then disregard this story.
I was only stepping up to be a real man to show one and all women that not all men are ‘football crazy,’ but can show women that “I” care for how you have been mistreated and neglected.
If all this fails, start saving up some bucks right now for your own personal “Football Widow Bail-Out,” which means in weeks, you can have enough money saved for you and a best girlfriend to spend the entire day doing what you want to do--shopping, getting pedi’s and manicures, massages, movies, dinner and who could blame you?
This might make your husband or boyfriend appreciate you when you get back and watch a little less football.
More by this Author
You invited to many holiday dinners? No? I think I know why.
I am NOT a Scrooge. Just upfront.
Yes, "we" talk funny in the South. Need proof? Just read this hub.