Five Valentine's Day Break Up Gifts for That Extra Special Someone

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, maybe you are wondering just what to get that special someone that conveys the right message -- "GET AWAY FROM ME YA FREAKIN' NUTJOB!!!" Yeah, those gifts can be hard to find. But I am here with a few suggestions that will surely send that not-so-loved one packing and rapidly heading out the door. Or if not, it is time to get worried. VERY worried. Like you-should-be-the-one-running-out-door worried.

Voodoo Doll

Now this one might be a little tricky because that pesky soon-to-be-ex might see a voodoo doll and think you are trying to cast a love spell on him or her. Yikes! That's the last thing you want to do! That is why strategic placement of the pins is so important. Be sure to hit all the right spots, concentrating on those "special" spots that will bring the most pain and worst possible luck. If the voodoo doll has "positive" and "negative" pins, then be sure to place the correct type of pins where they work to your best advantage. While you might enjoy watching the bum suffer from a broken leg or two, it could hinder his quick and hasty exit. You don't want that. And besides, nothing quite says "I hate you" like a magical dose of testicular cancer.

Suitcase

Nothing says "hit the road Jack (or Jill)" quite like a well-crafted, heavy-duty suitcase. For those annoyingly clingy wannabe lovers who just never seem to get the message no matter how obvious the message may be, it might be necessary to fill the suitcase with their clothes and other personal belongings before giving it to them. If that still does not get the message through their thick skull, try leaving the packed suitcase outside the door. Of course, you may want to lock the door and maybe have the locks changed. If you still find this loser trying to sneak in a back window, it may be time to call the local constabulary.

Mix Tape

A mix tape can be a good way to relay the message to your less-than-significant other that it is time to hit the road, but the key is song selection. You must be sure to keep it negative -- "Love Stinks" by J. Geils Band, "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell, etc. If your leechy lover is the type that is slow to get the message, you may want to kick it up a notch with tracks like "Coney Island Whitefish" by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts or " Everything About You" by Ugly Kid Joe. Still not getting through? Try injecting a little insanity with "This Love" by Pantera or "Run for Your Life" by the Beatles. Yes, that's right... The Beatles. I mean, have you actually listened to that song? Scary!

Videocassette

Now, of course, we are not talking about just any videocassette here. This will need to be a tape involving you and someone other than your worn-out-his-or-her-welcome lover in an intimate encounter. Some suggestions for your video playmate include your current lover's brother or sister, father or mother, best friend, worst enemy, the mailman, etc. Be warned that there is always a chance your sweetie-turned-pest might find this a turn-on rather than a message to get out of Dodge. So be prepared to move on to beloved pets and grandparents if necessary. If your perverted Casanova still goes with the flow, well, then maybe this wasn't the way to go. You might just have to ride this one out...

Red Camel Brandwear T-Shirt
Red Camel Brandwear T-Shirt
Red Camel Brandwear Boxers
Red Camel Brandwear Boxers
Red Camel Brandwear Thong
Red Camel Brandwear Thong | Source

Red Camel Brandwear

This one takes a little extra preparation but may just do the trick! If you set it up right you will hopefully be pest-free in no time! Start by getting a shirt like the one at the right or something with a similar theme. Wrap it up in a gift box and label it as being from an approriately sexy sounding name to your current loser.

If it needs to be coming from a guy, choose a name that maybe sounds foreign like Liam, Franco or Romeo. However, if your one-that-will-not-leave is a bodybuilder or giant football player, you might want to choose something that sounds a bit tougher like Hunter, Wyatt or Brody. For girls, choose any name you feel might be a local stripper -- Candi (has to be with an "i" dotted with a heart, of course), Destiny or Raven are probably good choices.

Place the "gift" where your target will think it was placed there by someone he does not know. If possible it would be best to leave it on the bed with something suggestion your "other lover" left it there after your most recent secret rendezvous. Once he or she finds the "gift" and opens it, be sure to act as if you have been caught in your well-designed "lie". If you need a little boost to this one, try the boxers or thong as appropriate.

Of course, if you are really desperate and need to go to extreme measures, you can always hire a "new lover". Or better yet, just go find one. Just be sure your new lover (1) can handle your old lover and (2) isn't another clingy jerk that cannot take a hint. It's just too much trouble getting rid of them!

Have you ever had to come up with a devious way to get rid of an unwanted lover who just would not get the message?

  • Yes.
  • No.
  • I think I may have been the unwanted lover.
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