Housewarming Gifts

Arrive with a gift

When invited to a housewarming party, being something to leave there. A gift should be considered a moral obligation regardless of culture or region of the world.

Your friends just bought a house, for goodness sake. They need almost everything. We all love pizza but unless your hosts have utensils and place-mats, the party could descend into anarchy. Plan ahead: bring along thoughtful gifts that will be immediately useful and long-appreciated.

Are simple knick-knacks socially acceptable as housewarming gifts? Absolutely. We all want stuff to adorn our unadorned windowsills, bookshelves, and TV-trays. Little statues of blissful children never fail to disappoint. A hand-painted forest creature or a pop culture icon will look adorable on anyone's mantle.

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Heat on DVD

170 minutes of Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro tends to warm up a household. A cadre of professional bank robbers (there are amateur bank robbers?) stresses out after leaving one too many clues for the cops. Fans of good acting and stellar cinematography will find themselves warmed up almost immediately.

This digital heater includes a host of other famous people like Val Kilmer before he bloated and Ashley Judd before she became a liberal nut job. John Voight appears several times, but he's in pretty much every movie anyway. Michael Mann directed the film. He's also responsible for the Miami Vice television series. That was really hot.

Hair Dryer

Thousands of watts of heat spew from the business end of a quality hair dryer. These things sound like a flock of passenger jets leaving LaGuardia, but the price for dry hair must be paid.

No one turns down a chance to blast their wet head with scalding hot air generated through the miracle of electric resistance. Your housewarming will be complete if you remember to bring along styling gel, curlers, and conditioner. Revlon makes a really good model with secure grip and superior balance. Keep it out of the bathtub and always plug it into a GFI outlet. You can also find GFI outlets on Amazon: deploy a qualified electrician for proper installation.

Fireplace Insert

Nothing warms a house like a crackling fireplace, but nothing stinks up a house like a crackling fireplace. An electric insert eliminates the need to actually set stuff on fire. Look for units that provide authentic artificial crackling sounds and flickering LED lights to simulate real logs burning.

A soothing electric motor blows soothing electrical heat into the room. Gather family and friends to sing holiday songs and drink instant tea: your holidays will be complete.

Ceramic Space Heater

Even the coldest house will be warmed by strategic application of ceramic space heaters. Simply plug it into any handy electrical outlet, then bask in the glow of high-tech thermal enhancement. Don't worry about danger: these things are much safer than fireplace inserts and candles. You can also carry they around to distribute heat as-needed throughout the long cold winter.

They tip over, but they don't spill flammable fuel or ashes. There's no burning. Electric energy from your household current finds itself converted to thermal energy. This handy thermal energy spreads throughout the immediate area and causes a heating effect.

It all happens inside a ceramic insert scientifically designed to warm you and your friends. Ceramic materials don't ignite or smell bad or need to be replaced regularly. You won't have to cut firewood.

Diesel Generator

Should you find yourself at a loss to pick out a thoughtful housewarming gift, give the gift that powers everything. Whether your recipients heat with electric, gas, propane, manure, or wood, this adorable generator will provide years of reliable power.

Grateful friends will be able to run their iPads and microwave ovens at the same time. When the apocalypse finally arrives this will be a very hot item. Your name will not be forgotten as everyone hunkers down for a long hideout in the hills.

When you show for the housewarming party towing this beast behind your F450 dually, no one will wonder why they invited you. Extra-thoughtful hint: bring along a tank of fresh diesel to get the party started.

Food Dehydrator

Sometimes we simply want less water in our food. All too frequently a grape or a carrot bulges with an overabundance of liquid. Deploy a strategic food dehydrator to solve this problem.

Simply drop in some over-hydrated food and flip a switch. High-tech physics combines with modern heat to remove any recalcitrant water from the object of your affection. Dehydrating fruits and vegetables will warm your heart and make the housewarming party an event to remember.

You can send everyone home with a 'goodie bag' of shrunken soy beans. They will never forget you.

BMW

Guaranteed to endear you to your host and hostess, a BMW is the ultimate housewarming gift. Leave it parked in the driveway with the engine warmed up and the leather seats nicely heated.

You can't go wrong. No BMW ever left the assembly line without a quality heating system including fans, ducts, and thermostats. Hard-working HVAC engineers toiled mercilessly to bring you what may be the finest climate control accoutrement that can travel at 140MPH.

Solar Panels

Our faithful Sun donates massive heat to you and your loved ones. It may warm your heart to learn that even a minute fraction of the energy racing down from 99 million miles away will heat your house rather well. This sunlight can also be converted to electricity.

Strategically distribute a few solar panels throughout the outer surfaces of your dwelling. Electricity will appear in the wires, as if my magic. But it's not magic. It's physics.

A 100 watt photovoltaic cell provides sufficient power for a 100 watt light bulb. This is not very convenient because you don't need the illumination when the Sun is beaming into the panel. On the other hand, you could store the electricity in a battery and use it during the dark hours. We're here to help.

Hot Sauce

Things were always warm in the Scoville household. When Wilbur and his family staged a housewarming party, friends and lab assistants knew they were in for a long day. Today we immortalize the hotness of our food through scientific measurement of Scoville Units, or the Scoville Organoleptic Test.

It comes in a jar and it hurts to eat. It's convenient and it damages your internal organs. It's inexpensive and your taste buds may never recover. It's forever trendy and it's sold under names such as 'Death to Your Esophagus' or 'Eat this if You Hate Yourself' or 'I Can't Believe it's not Pepper Spray.'

Pay homage to our favorite pharmacist by bringing along mega doses of mouth-burning goodness. You'll get used to it.

16,000,000,000 Scoville units inhabit the cactus-like plant called Resin Spurge. That's a lot. If your house is in Morocco you can probably walk outside and grab a handful. Don't touch your eyes.

Toast

It's warm bread and everyone loves it. Even homeowners on a gluten-free diet will graciously accept toast as they welcome you into their abode. Don't let them eat it. Digestive ills notwithstanding, you cannot go wrong with this gift.

Look online for high-quality devices specially engineered to produce reliable and delicious crunchy bread on-demand. Hamilton-Beach, GE, Cuisinart, KitchenAid, and even Black and Decker all should be considered as you settle on a toaster.

Do you need a 6-slicer? Perhaps not. A family of four will probably eat 4 slices at a time as they gather around the breakfast table before heading off into the world. Supplement your morning meal with orange juice and bacon so you can prepare more slices as the initial offering is consumed. It's multitasking at its' finest. This strategy is guaranteed to prevent you and your loved ones from ever running out of toast.

These housewarming gifts will warm any house

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Comments 6 comments

Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 3 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Although I bought my house 21 years ago, I still want the generator! I would rather have a solar powered system now though. Gotta keep up with the times. Have you seen the price of diesel lately?


nicomp profile image

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Austinstar : Solar! I will add that. Thanks. That will get me to 1000 words. ;)


drbj profile image

drbj 3 years ago from south Florida

Great, hot, housewarming ideas, nicomp. You might want to add a jar of really hot barbecue sauce and add another 6 words. Just sayin'.


Insane Mundane profile image

Insane Mundane 3 years ago from Earth

Even if this Hub is a desperate attempt to possibly warm up from 4% to 6% commission in Amazon sales, this thing is heating up too fast. Where are the more common slow-heating housewarming devices like crock pots and medium-range heating gadgets like George Foreman grills? Don't mention the toaster; I've already read your Toast Hub; ha!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@drbj: OK, I'm going for the next milestone: 1150 words... made it!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Insane: Your suggestions have been taken under advisement. Ideas are simmering. Stay in touch!

PS: The toast hub is a classic forevermore.

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