How to Ruin Thanksgiving in 10 Easy Steps

Run, Turkey, Be Free!

Take that turkey and run.
Take that turkey and run. | Source

Celebrating Thanksgiving

It is time for Thanksgiving again! If you live in the U.S., you know it is time to eat turkey, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, and stuffing. Plenty of people look forward to the event all year long. But what if you are someone that does not enjoy Thanksgiving? What if you would like to ruin it?

Well, assuming there is someone out there ready to ruin Thanksgiving dinner (did Grandma give you coal in your stocking last Christmas?) this is for you. I am happy to help you incorporate as much wackiness into your Thanksgiving dinner as possible. If none of these tips help, either your family has become desensitized to your weirdness or they are even crazier than this list. Either way, here are 10 suggestions on how you can ruin Thanksgiving.

How to ruin Thanksgiving...

  • Start to describe in great detail how the pilgrims destroyed the lives of all the Native Americans. If possible, look up some statistics on how many Native Americans died in battles and how evil the white men were that took away their land. It is a good idea to begin this discussion while eating Thanksgiving dinner. Make sure to offer to pass the cranberry sauce after giving some especially gruesome details about their deaths.
  • Eat all the stuffing. That is it. Just get there first and eat all the stuffing. You will be getting angry glares from all your relatives in no time, you selfish jerk.
  • While eating dinner, begin to tell the most painfully awkward story you can imagine. For instance, a nice tale about going to the dermatologist and having some skin issues resolved would be good. If the pimples are on your butt, that would make the story just that much better.

Source
  • Ban all pumpkin products from your celebration. Trust me, a riot will break out by the end of the day.
  • Pass out "memorial cards" for the turkey to all Thanksgiving dinner guests, as if they are attending a funeral. On the card, you can memorialize the turkey with information like:

GOBBLER THE TURKEY

BORN: JULY 12, 2013

DIED: AUGUST 18, 2014

CAUSE OF DEATH: UNNATURAL, MISERABLE DEATH AT THE HANDS OF EVIL FARMER.

HOBBIES: RACKET BALL, GOLF, KNITTING, AND WATCHING MARRIED WITH CHILDREN RERUNS.

WILL BE REMEMBERED BY HIS CHILDREN, GOBBLER JR., GOBBLES, FEATHERS, AND SQUEAKY. HIS WIFE, CAROL, IS SITTING ON YOUR NEIGHBORS' TABLE RIGHT NOW.

Turkey Shrine

A shrine for a special turkey.
A shrine for a special turkey. | Source

Thanksgiving Poll

Have you ever ruined Thanksgiving?

See results without voting
  • Build a shrine for the turkey. Insist that all your guests worship the turkey. Then you can start talking about what a great turkey he was and how much his family misses him. If you can make at least one person cry, my friend, you have ruined Thanksgiving.
  • Insist everyone at your table wear a turkey hat on their heads for the entire meal. If anyone takes off a hat, begin to gobble at them.
  • Dress like Santa Claus this year for Thanksgiving. When anyone asks you about it, tell them you consider it Pre-Christmas Day, not Thanksgiving. Begin playing Christmas music and break out the Christmas tree. It is possible everyone will walk out on you. It is also entirely possible people will sing along and help you decorate the tree. Either way, it is a major win on your part.
  • Run away with the turkey. You have the option of doing this before the turkey is cooking or once the turkey is done; it depends on how much you are willing to risk getting beat up by an angry, hungry mob of friends and family members.
  • Start timing each minute you spend celebrating Thanksgiving with others. Talk about how you have to run because you have more important things to do, like going shopping for socks at one of the many retailers that are open on Thanksgiving Day this year. Even worse, you could actually run one of those stores that is forcing employees to work on Thanksgiving. The folks running those companies are actually the experts at ruining Thanksgiving.


Copyright ©2014 Jeannieinabottle

I hope no one recognizes me wearing this turkey hat.
I hope no one recognizes me wearing this turkey hat. | Source

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Comments 21 comments

aethelthryth profile image

aethelthryth 2 years ago from American Southwest

We have a family story about how the cook got mad enough that nobody was helping out that the turkey got thrown at someone else and in the end it actually got thrown over the house. What I can say is I was not there at the time.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 2 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

That is a great story! I can honestly say no one has ever thrown a turkey over a house at any of my family events, but I would not mind seeing it happen. Thanks for sharing your story. :-)


lambservant profile image

lambservant 2 years ago from Pacific Northwest

Rolling on the floor once again Jeannie. I think the first and third ones are my favorite. Your humor is a gift.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 2 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Thanks so much, lambservant. I am happy you enjoyed my hub. I've been too serious with my hubs lately and decided to go in the opposite direction this time.


Country-Sunshine profile image

Country-Sunshine 2 years ago from Texas

Thanksgiving at my in-laws usually turns into a disaster. Perhaps I should try some of your tips, and I won't get invited back!


Millionaire Tips profile image

Millionaire Tips 2 years ago from USA

LOL - sometimes the family does have it coming. I think cooking a frozen turkey would work wonders - it looks innocent enough to be a mistake!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 2 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Country-Sunshine, let me know if you try any of these tips. I would like to hear about that outcome. ;-)

Millionaire Tips, yes, there are some family members that do have it coming. You are right... you could just start crying if you cook the turkey the wrong way. No one would question it.

Thanks for the comments!


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 2 years ago from Central Florida

You're a riot, Jeannie. I think the only spoiled Thanksgiving I had was one year I basted the turkey with bacon grease. All good, right? Well, the turkey obviously didn't think so - it actually deflated! Don't ask me how it happened or why, but that year the sides were the star of the show.


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 2 years ago from Minnesota

Love the hat Jeannie!-thanks for the great tips for Thanksgiving. It would be fun to try something funny at our very normal thanksgiving dinner. If you do something crazy at thanksgiving, we want to hear about it.


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 2 years ago from Orlando, FL

I'd never ruin thanksgiving on purpose but I have pulled a joke or two that could have ruined the day, but luckily didn't! :)


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 2 years ago from England

lol! love the Turkey funeral! we don't have thanksgiving over here, thank goodness! Christmas is bad enough! lol! thanks for the laugh, nell


mary615 profile image

mary615 2 years ago from Florida

I love your Turkey hat! I've always thought Thanksgiving and Christmas were much too close together! How come we couldn't have Thanksgiving in the Spring?? It's just too much turkey, etc. too close together.

I loved reading this. The worse thing I ever did was to make the pumpkin pies with canned pumpkin instead of the pumpkin pie mix. Terrible pies!

Vote this UP, and shared.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 2 years ago from North America

What a lively, exuberant Hub!

I think that in America, we have our own Thanksgiving now that has nothing to do with killing my Native American ancestors, thanks to Sarah Hale's lavish template for the holiday back in 1840...and we can buy turkeys now that are free range and healthy. It is good to know the truth of the past, but I wish those who dwell on it would stop.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 2 years ago from Texas

Oh darn, I have to work Thanksgiving day this year so I can't try the turkey funeral! These are funny. Thanks for the laughs.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 2 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

bravewarrior, I can't imagine how bacon grease could deflate a turkey. That is good to know so I can avoid doing that myself... unless I am purposely trying to scare away guests. ;-)

Minnetonka Twin, thanks! I like wacky hats and pride myself in having one for pretty much any holiday. I will update you if anything particularly weird happens this year.

Sunshine625, thanks for checking out my hub and sharing it. Hahaha... I am a big believer in a good practical joke. I usually give them a try on Halloween, but maybe Thanksgiving is a better idea this year.

mary615, thanks so much for the vote up and for sharing. I made the mistake of trying to cook one of those frozen pumpkin pies one year... never again! They are just not so good.

Patty Inglish, MS, you are right. The modern Thanksgiving celebration really does have little to do with the past. In a way, it is good. I do like to frustrate my relatives sometimes with that type of dinner talk though. They think I am way too liberal as it is... a woman with an opinion... shesh! ;-) Now you can understand why I like to torture them at times.

shanmarie, I am sorry you have to work on Thanksgiving. I hope wherever you work, you are going to have a good meal and a big bonus waiting for you. For the first time ever, my fiancé and I are staying at a hotel near my parents for Thanksgiving. Although this is practical, I feel bad for the people that have to work that day just so we have a nice place to stay (waterfront view!) on Thanksgiving.

Thanks for the comments everyone! I am pleasantly surprised this one is so popular. :-)


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 2 years ago from North America

Would you like to borrow my Tomahawk? :)


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 2 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

That might be a good idea! ;-)


drbj profile image

drbj 2 years ago from south Florida

Your comment about someone eating all the stuffing really touched me. The stuffing is one of my favorites and I have learned to take two helpings instead of one before it is gone. Love the turkey hat photo - very avant garde.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 2 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

I learned the hard way not to eat too much stuffing... especially around my mother. It is best to prevent the crisis rather than dealing with the aftermath. ;-) And thanks!


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 23 months ago from East Coast, United States

Thanksgiving is past but it's never too early to start planning how to ruin next Thanksgiving! I am all for eating all the stuffing, my favorite part of the meal! And maybe forcing everyone to wear those turkey hats!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 22 months ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Sure, it is always good to plan ahead. There are really so many holidays and events you can ruin with some planning. Good luck!

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