How to Weasel Out of Giving a Valentine's Gift

As you stand in the temporary aisles of department stores looking over the scores of candy hearts and pink bears, your mind wanders toward thoughts of escaping the pressure of Valentine's Day gift giving.

Whether you are tired of supporting the American trend toward conspicuous consumption, or don't feel like reciprocating the feelings of love that Valentine's Day entails, there are ways to weasel out of gift giving.

The problem with gift giving in general is an expanded carbon footprint, more trash in the landfills, and more resources wasted in the name of presents.

You see that plastic wrapped heart-shaped box of chocolates. Just think of all the petroleum in the plastic and fallen trees in the box, and for what? Eight lousy pieces of chocolate, four of which nobody will ever eat because they have coconut in them.

And those bouquets of roses you love, wouldn't you love them more if they stayed in the ground fulfilling their life cycle?

So rationalize your lack of present to your Valentine by showing them how environmentally destructive the holiday is. Skip the day in protest or hold a counter-celebration by planting a tree or liberating lab animals.

Fight against the forces of conspicuous consumption that constricts our culture by avoiding the need to purchase mere things for Valentine's Day. Yes, as the general public spends billions of dollars on meaningless baubles, forcing themselves deeper into debt, you have a chance to raise yourself out of this cycle of slavery to a corrupt system.

Remember what Mark Twain said:

"Any so-called material thing that you want is merely a symbol: you want it not for itself, but because it will content your spirit for the moment."

Following Twain's thought, if love is truly the want in itself why should we then preoccupy ourselves with the accumulation of symbols. Most importantly, why would you waste your time on symbols of transient power? You should concentrate on building on the authentic process of love.

Explain to your sweetheart how your love is deeper than a dozen roses harvested by underpaid migrant workers, or a stuffed animal manufactured by child labor in a third-world country.

For those that don't know, the mechanics of love are a strange thing. The process of falling in and out of love is so volatile, it would be a shame if it happened sometime during the second week of February.

Break up quickly and cleanly, preferably over the phone to avoid groinal injury. Offer a no-fault explanation like:

• I need to take sometime to work on myself.
• I don't have the capacity to love you as much as I should.
• I am questioning my sexual persuasion.

After being broken-up for a sufficient amount of time - a few weeks works. Come groveling back for their love, explaining how you conquered your doubts and realized how they are the missing piece of your life. It is not suggested that you use this technique on a yearly basis.

Warning: Occasionally while performing this technique, your intended temporary ex will find someone better to replace you. As they are looking to replace someone that broke their heart a few days before Valentine's, finding someone better will not be difficult.

There is no problem too large to ever run away from, unofficial holidays included. The trick here, is to be gone for a couple days prior to and a week or so after the day of Cupid's folly.

Escape to a far away place, or perhaps just park your car someplace differently and turn off the phone for a couple weeks.

Be sure to make the trip sudden and unavoidable. If your departure is known, it may lead to a Pre-Valentine dinner with (gift exchange) before you go. Keep your plans a secret until you are driving to the airport for the best results.

If you are planning on hiding in your apartment for a few weeks, prepare for a siege. Draw the curtains tightly, cancel your mail, and stock up on frozen burritos and James Michener novels.

So, you want to avoid the bestowal of gifts, but you still want a relationship the morning of February 15th? Perhaps disappearing for a few weeks or breaking up before the big day may not be the best option.

You have only one choice, you need to express your eternal undying love. Yes, the kind of intense love that infects you like a burning fever and consumes your will. It's okay to recycle lines from obscure romantic comedies if you can't find the right words.

Ahh, so how does this work? You need to convince the object of your undying affection that you love them so much that the celebration of a symbolic day of love only dishonors the feelings you have for them. Seriously, why celebrate on one day as a mere obligation, when you can spend each day showing your love? Point out the perfunctory nature of Valentine's Day and you have it made.