How to Weasel Out of Giving a Valentine's Gift

Though weaseling out of something has such negative connotations, aren't weasels cute?
Though weaseling out of something has such negative connotations, aren't weasels cute? | Source

As you stand in the temporary aisles of department stores looking over the scores of candy hearts and pink bears, your mind wanders toward thoughts of escaping the pressure of Valentine's Day gift giving.

Whether you are tired of supporting the American trend toward conspicuous consumption, or don't feel like reciprocating the feelings of love that Valentine's Day entails, there are ways to weasel out of gift giving.

If it destroys the environment, kick love to the can
If it destroys the environment, kick love to the can | Source
I Hate Valentine's Day
I Hate Valentine's Day

Avoid producing excess waste and purchase a digital download of a romantic movie instead.

 

A Newfound Eco-Consciousness

The problem with gift giving in general is an expanded carbon footprint, more trash in the landfills, and more resources wasted in the name of presents.

You see that plastic wrapped heart-shaped box of chocolates. Just think of all the petroleum in the plastic and fallen trees in the box, and for what? Eight lousy pieces of chocolate, four of which nobody will ever eat because they have coconut in them.

And those bouquets of roses you love, wouldn't you love them more if they stayed in the ground fulfilling their life cycle?

So rationalize your lack of present to your Valentine by showing them how environmentally destructive the holiday is. Skip the day in protest or hold a counter-celebration by planting a tree or liberating lab animals.

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Taking a Stand Against Consumerism

Fight against the forces of conspicuous consumption that constricts our culture by avoiding the need to purchase mere things for Valentine's Day. Yes, as the general public spends billions of dollars on meaningless baubles, forcing themselves deeper into debt, you have a chance to raise yourself out of this cycle of slavery to a corrupt system.

Remember what Mark Twain said:

"Any so-called material thing that you want is merely a symbol: you want it not for itself, but because it will content your spirit for the moment."

Following Twain's thought, if love is truly the want in itself why should we then preoccupy ourselves with the accumulation of symbols. Most importantly, why would you waste your time on symbols of transient power? You should concentrate on building on the authentic process of love.

Explain to your sweetheart how your love is deeper than a dozen roses harvested by underpaid migrant workers, or a stuffed animal manufactured by child labor in a third-world country.

It's Never Too Late to Fall Out of Love

For those that don't know, the mechanics of love are a strange thing. The process of falling in and out of love is so volatile, it would be a shame if it happened sometime during the second week of February.

Break up quickly and cleanly, preferably over the phone to avoid groinal injury. Offer a no-fault explanation like:

  • I need to take sometime to work on myself.
  • I don't have the capacity to love you as much as I should.
  • I am questioning my sexual persuasion.

After being broken-up for a sufficient amount of time - a few weeks works. Come groveling back for their love, explaining how you conquered your doubts and realized how they are the missing piece of your life. It is not suggested that you use this technique on a yearly basis.

Warning: Occasionally while performing this technique, your intended temporary ex will find someone better to replace you. As they are looking to replace someone that broke their heart a few days before Valentine's, finding someone better will not be difficult.


Source

Escape to Parts Unknown

There is no problem too large to ever run away from, unofficial holidays included. The trick here, is to be gone for a couple days prior to and a week or so after the day of Cupid's folly.

Escape to a far away place, or perhaps just park your car someplace differently and turn off the phone for a couple weeks.

Be sure to make the trip sudden and unavoidable. If your departure is known, it may lead to a Pre-Valentine dinner with (gift exchange) before you go. Keep your plans a secret until you are driving to the airport for the best results.

If you are planning on hiding in your apartment for a few weeks, prepare for a siege. Draw the curtains tightly, cancel your mail, and stock up on frozen burritos and James Michener novels.

True love is finding comfort in holding hands, not in the meaningless exchange of gifts.
True love is finding comfort in holding hands, not in the meaningless exchange of gifts. | Source
Valentines Day Seat Socks
Valentines Day Seat Socks

If you have to buy a Valentine, you might as well make it practical.

 

Express a Love Deeper Than the Exchange of Presents

So, you want to avoid the bestowal of gifts, but you still want a relationship the morning of February 15th? Perhaps disappearing for a few weeks or breaking up before the big day may not be the best option.

You have only one choice, you need to express your eternal undying love. Yes, the kind of intense love that infects you like a burning fever and consumes your will. It's okay to recycle lines from obscure romantic comedies if you can't find the right words.

Ahh, so how does this work? You need to convince the object of your undying affection that you love them so much that the celebration of a symbolic day of love only dishonors the feelings you have for them. Seriously, why celebrate on one day as a mere obligation, when you can spend each day showing your love? Point out the perfunctory nature of Valentine's Day and you have it made.

© 2012 Dan Human

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Comments 8 comments

cclitgirl profile image

cclitgirl 4 years ago from Western NC

Hehehe, I hate coconut chocolates! And I never, ever go out for Valentine's day. My love and I go hiking, take the dog and head to the AT for a day in the mountains. NOTHING beats that! Oh, and we do that most weekend anyway. Hahaha. Great hub! Voted up and SHARING.


Outbound Dan profile image

Outbound Dan 4 years ago from Niagara Falls, NY Author

Yeah, don't you hate when other people have picked through the candy heart before you and all that's left is coconut? Yuck! A day or two on the AT sounds like the perfect Valentine getaway. I think I'll suggest it myself. Thanks for stopping by and sharing.


peoplepower73 profile image

peoplepower73 4 years ago from Placentia California

Great writing. I love the way you went from the cynical to the authentic love that is everyday. My wife and I have been married for almost 50 years and we have come up with an eco friendly solution for valentines day. We go to the card store and each select a valentine card. We then exchange them, and then say, "If I were going to give you a card, this would be it." The cards are put back and we say happy valentines day and go on our merry way. We save the money and don't clutter the eco system.

Thanks for SHARING


Outbound Dan profile image

Outbound Dan 4 years ago from Niagara Falls, NY Author

Thanks for stopping by and commenting peoplepower73! That sounds like an outstanding eco-friendly Valentine's day solution, especially as your marriage is a long-term successful relationship.


Artzlady 4 years ago

I like your suggestions. How about a $5 take out pizza? That way you get dinner and a hug.


Simone Smith profile image

Simone Smith 4 years ago from San Francisco

Hahaa, love these! I'm all for cutting down on consumerism and reducing one's footprint. Besides, most of the "gifts" businesses try to sell to us are SO CRAPPY, they're kind of an insult to the relationship!

I have another option to throw into the pool: Offer the promise of a romantic getaway that you plan together in place of a gift. It's probably something one should be planning anyway, and this just makes it seem more "special." Hehee!


Outbound Dan profile image

Outbound Dan 4 years ago from Niagara Falls, NY Author

Exactly, that singing dog holding a heart saying "I wuv you" looks cute in the store, but how long can you keep that gaudy thing on your living room? Sooner or later it will end up in the landfill, because it is one of those things on ebay you just can't sell.

I think the cooperative romantic getaway is an outstanding idea and certainly more special than dead flowers and stale chocolate. Thanks for stopping by and dropping a comment Simone!


Outbound Dan profile image

Outbound Dan 4 years ago from Niagara Falls, NY Author

I think Little Caesars tried the "show someone how much you love them with a takeout pie" campaign. I'm not sure how it worked for them.

Thanks for stopping by and commenting Artzlady

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