I COULD HAVE… (BUT I DIDN’T)
A foreword to my dear TransAtlantic (and other) friends
I must apologise for this little effort being unashamedly British. There are a couple of shops mentioned (one Bookseller and a Supermarket) whose names may be unfamiliar to you. There is another shop with which everybody on this planet will no doubt be familiar. I leave it to you to fill in the unfamiliar with something more recognisable; and now, please sit back:
Are we comfortable? Then I shall begin.
I COULD HAVE… (BUT I DIDN’T)
I went down and checked out at “Sainsbury’s”,
At “W H Smith” and Patel’s;
At the racks of cards they’d displayed there,
To find out exactly what sells.
I wanted to make sure that your card
Would mirror how special you are,
And consequently researched all the options,
Lest your card should fall below par.
You could have had robins in snow scenes,
With little plaid scarves round their throats;
Or cute (but unreal) little hedgehogs
In Wellington boots and waxed coats.
There could have been Victorian children
Wrapped in fur and muffler and muff;
Stagecoaches filled with jolly fat revellers;
And the rest of that syrupy stuff.
And I’m sure that it’s possible to purchase
(For The Trendies), what could be neater
Than cards with a hundred Dalmatians
(Or more), “Toy Story” or even “Evita”.
You could have had lovely gilt angels
(Botticelli or even Bronzino)
Or “The Magi Adoring The Infant”
By Francesco Parmigianino.
Or snow scenes with lovely pink sunsets,
Distant church spires, and pine trees and sheep;
Father Christmas and dozens of reindeer;
Little mice stuffed in stockings, fast asleep
You could have had a card that was bawdy,
The greeting set out in the vernacular.
Or it could have been deeply religious,
Or quasi-religious or even secular.
But finally I opted for another.
Doesn’t fill any of the criteria above.
But simply because I just like it,
So I send it to you, with my love.
So what IS this card that I’ve chosen?
And WHICH is the format I’ll send?
It’s not Dear Old Queen Vicky, or sugary sticky
Nor is it Post Modern, with ideas which offend.
Then again, it’s not overtly religious;
Not a Renaissance Angel in sight
No snow storms, no spires, no carolling choirs
And no Three Blokes on Camels at night.
There’s an absolute dearth of damp livestock;
But my choice I here strongly defend:
Please read them with care; my true wishes are there
In the four simple lines at the end:
So I’m not just wishing you “Merry Christmas”,
And it’s not just “A Happy New Year”,
I’m wishing you Unlimited Happiness,
Not just for now, but Forever, my dear.
Christmas: the season of Good Will to all men. Yeah Right! So if you want to be filled with Good Cheer & all that stuff, read on. Otherwise don’t! I don’t care!
- Im Not Sending Christmas Cards This Year
There are people, and surely you know some, Who have told you already, this year, That they wont be sending out C cards The ones full of Greetings and Cheer
- Was Herod Such a Nasty Chap?
A lyrical little poem extolling the virtues of Herod the Great (or was it Herod Antipas No! definitely Herod the Great, also known as Herod the Paranoid) that great patron of the arts. If you are wondering why, and how, read on.
More by this Author
A fairly lighthearted (though basically bitter) retelling of the history of having a room converted into a bathroom. With no offence meant to men on horses, the builders were a crowd of evil cowboys.
A somewhat less than learned attempt to explain Restless Legs Syndrome and possible ways of diminishing its effects. The writer is a sufferer, yet can describe the condition with some little humour.
There are people, and surely you know some, Who have told you already, this year, That they won’t be sending out C cards The ones full of Greetings and Cheer They say that their reasons...