Gifts For Father's Day
Papa Needs a Brand New Bag
With plenty of time left before the third Sunday in June, a Father's Day gift may not be looming on your radar quite yet. Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you decided to party with your friends and shirk your responsibilities. Get your priorities straight, child.
No, I don't wanna hear any belly-achin', pouting or whining. No ifs, ands or buts either. Go to your room and think of a suitable gift. As you scramble around trying to honor your father, who works his butt off to provide bread for this family, you may be asking yourself "What is the best thing to get dad? Ties? Gardening tools? A GPS? Expensive cigars?"
It's that reassuring gesture that he's still got it, that he can and still does throw down with the best of 'em, that he knows good taste way before it smacks him in the mouth, that he's been there, done that and could probably still beat you in Horse, Risk and Quarters. Here's a few ego-stroking euphemisms that won't cost you anything, except maybe your integrity.
Your gift could be reminding him of that uber-funky photo from high school where he's sporting a sick-nasty afro and some phat bell bottoms. Or maybe you guys could talk about the time his superfly disco dance moves stole the show at your cousin's wedding. Perhaps you may introduce to him some sort of complex hand shake, or there's always the classic chest bump (for sons only). Maybe you and Dad could have a heart to heart about how fresh he keeps it, despite his best efforts at not changing. Better still, there's always room to confirm his knowledge droppin' skills with a solid, "That's what's up, Padre", when he extolls the virtues of proper table manners. And when he makes one of his patented Dad Jokes like "What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?", don't roll your eyes! And be sure to laugh when he says "Dam"!
Shower him with love by reminding him that his clothes are still the "Bees Knees", and his swagger hasn't lost a bit of crunkness over the years. Don't forget to give him props on his trumped tight game, whilst whispering to him that you know he'll always be a playa, deep inside. While you're at it let him know how baller he's got the front yard lookin', compliment him on his new, hella-dope, prescription sunglasses, and let him know that he's ya boi and you've got his back no matter what! You and Pops might even wanna catch wreck by enjoying a nice dinner you've prepared him over a glass of his favorite red. Be creative! Dad didn't put his dreams on hold for you so you could awkwardly present him with gifts that don't mean a damn thing and sure as hell don't build any character! C'mon, give him the gift of good conversation and quality time!
Dad may give you some line about how he just wants "peace and quiet" for Father's Day. Yeah, yeah... you know he's a rager through and through, but you have to let him re-discover it for himself. So don't bring up the time you almost caught him smoking a doob with his buddies when Mom was out of town. He'll just grin and say "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about." Try not to focus on that time he stuck a knife into your door with your sophomore year report card through it. No need to remind him that Ds aren't the end of the world, again. It would also be best if you didn't mention his almost creepy addiction to Facebook, or that time you got caught stealing at Meijer's and he had to come pick you up. He'll only make that sour dad face and tell you that you were lucky you were 17 at the time. In fact, it's better to stay away from any topic relating to your wild years of late high school and early college. Instead, focus on Dad's "glory days". Maybe even throw on some Bruce Springsteen, Led Zeppelin, Tom Petty, or David Bowie and let Pops "ramble on" about the "ch-ch-ch-ch-chaaaangeees" he's experienced throughout his magnificent career as a human being. Let Papa regale you with out-dated quips from tales of a different era. An era when it was still okay for 18 years olds to drink and the disco clubs were lax about IDing kids in nearby West Virginia. An era when getting around usually entailed walking up a hill to and from your destination. An era when they knew the difference between right and wrong. Yes, an era when a college degree actually meant something and gas was only 75 cents a gallon. You'll probably learn something, unless you were deliberately not paying attention and day dreaming again!
Let's face facts. Dad is a special guy. You don't want to belittle his coolness with goofy ties, silly Hallmark cards, or a freakin' lawnmower. Those gifts don't let him know anything except that he's got more work to do later this week, or that your too lazy to think of your own words to express how you feel. Don't cheapen his abundant awesomeness and uncanny sense of direction with a GPS, either. Coloring your own card for him, a-la 2nd grade would be more appropriate. Or how about not safe for work picture messages over the ol' iPhone with the line: "Thanks for free texting!" Surprise him with an encouraging slap on the rear and tell him to "Go get 'em, Champ". He may look at you confused because he hasn't come off the bench to shred it up since '75, but once he gets out there he'll know what to do! He'll have the fire back fo'sho, and you can have the self-satisfaction of knowing you helped him get his groove back! Alllright!
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