Santa, Help Is On The Way

ACTOR, WRITER, COMIC, STEVE MARTIN, WITH BANJO, WOULD MAKE A TERRIFIC SUBSTITUTE FOR SANTA.
ACTOR, WRITER, COMIC, STEVE MARTIN, WITH BANJO, WOULD MAKE A TERRIFIC SUBSTITUTE FOR SANTA.
MS. TIFFANY TIBBEDEAUX.
MS. TIFFANY TIBBEDEAUX.
SANTA HAS NEVER FAILED TO DO A GREAT JOB FOR OUR NATION AND THE WORLD AS WELL. WE CANNOT AFFORD TO LOSE SANTA TO SOME SPECIAL INTEREST GROUP.
SANTA HAS NEVER FAILED TO DO A GREAT JOB FOR OUR NATION AND THE WORLD AS WELL. WE CANNOT AFFORD TO LOSE SANTA TO SOME SPECIAL INTEREST GROUP.
SANTA AND HIS TOY BAG. YEAH, IT MUST BE TIRING SOMETIMES. EVEN FOR SANTA. BUT HE HAS NEVER MISSED ONE YEARLY TRIP TO DELIVER GIFTS.
SANTA AND HIS TOY BAG. YEAH, IT MUST BE TIRING SOMETIMES. EVEN FOR SANTA. BUT HE HAS NEVER MISSED ONE YEARLY TRIP TO DELIVER GIFTS.
SANTA SLEEPING AFTER ANOTHER YEARLY MISSION TO COVER THE WORLD TO BRING GIFTS TO CHILDREN AND ADULTS OF ALL AGES.
SANTA SLEEPING AFTER ANOTHER YEARLY MISSION TO COVER THE WORLD TO BRING GIFTS TO CHILDREN AND ADULTS OF ALL AGES.
WHAT AN IDEAL, PICTURESQUE SCENE. SANTA, HIS SLEIGH, SNOW AND GREENERY. ALL THE INGREDIENTS TO MAKE A GREAT CHRISTMAS.
WHAT AN IDEAL, PICTURESQUE SCENE. SANTA, HIS SLEIGH, SNOW AND GREENERY. ALL THE INGREDIENTS TO MAKE A GREAT CHRISTMAS.
SANTA NEVER GETS TOO COLD OR TIRED TO MAKE HIS YEARLY ROUNDS.
SANTA NEVER GETS TOO COLD OR TIRED TO MAKE HIS YEARLY ROUNDS.
RIDING A POLAR BEAR? YES. SANTA PROBABLY HELPED TO BRING THIS POLAR BEAR INTO THE WORLD WHEN HE OR SHE WAS BORN.
RIDING A POLAR BEAR? YES. SANTA PROBABLY HELPED TO BRING THIS POLAR BEAR INTO THE WORLD WHEN HE OR SHE WAS BORN.
SANTA HELPS TO COMPLETE ANY CHRISTMAS SCENE NO MATTER WHERE IT MAY BE.
SANTA HELPS TO COMPLETE ANY CHRISTMAS SCENE NO MATTER WHERE IT MAY BE.
SANTA, FRIENDS WITH ALL OF NATURE AND HER CREATIONS.
SANTA, FRIENDS WITH ALL OF NATURE AND HER CREATIONS.
CASPER, THE FRIENDLY GHOST
CASPER, THE FRIENDLY GHOST
ALL-AMERICAN CHEERLEADERS
ALL-AMERICAN CHEERLEADERS
ADORABLE CLOWN,
ADORABLE CLOWN,
TALKING CROW
TALKING CROW
DANCING MIMES
DANCING MIMES
LOVABLE PANDA BEAR
LOVABLE PANDA BEAR

"Hi! My name is Tiffany Tibbedeaux. I am your host for this installment about Santa, written by my boss, Kenneth Avery, who is a pretty-good judge of character. He found me working in Baton Rouge in a 24-hour convenience store. He asked if I wanted to host one of his stories for instant recognition, whatever that is, and I said 'yes.' So just relax. Put your feet up and enjoy this story about Santa Claus." Thank you so much. (Tiffany).



This Segment Is All About Santa

the one. The only. Santa Clause. The Jolly Ol' Elf. The man. The King of The North Pole. St. Nick. You got it, friend. Santa Clause. Friend to all. Man and beast. Never-tiring, Santa has made a yearly-trip from the North Pole to believers, non-believers, and others among us who would love nothing better than to see our buddy, Santa, be marked off the list of "People and Things We Believe In," if they had their way. By the way. I am NOT now, or ever will be a supporter or member of such group--be it of an ultra-strict religious doctrine taught by a man who is 65 pounds overweight by over-indulging, willfully, or a left-wing group that has little enough common sense to say that Santa is detrimental to our youth.

While I'm at it, just let me sincerely say to the ACLU, (American Civil Liberties Union), that I am going to use the word 'Christmas,' in this story. You cannot say that you were not warned. And oh yeah, I did commit a no-no, according to you. I even prayed. Openly. Before I wrote this story. So if you would like to meet me on my own property and discuss my transgressions, feel free. But you must be tired from all of our various ways that you started to help keep my country strong. Doing away with manger scenes at public buildings. Oh yeah. That one was pure genius. Never know when an angry "Christ child," will break out a dangerous sentence like, "Love thy neighbor as thyself," and bring the United States to pure chaos. Or how you bravely helped to get the 10 Commandments and prayer removed from the same government buildings. All except the United States Congress who opens their sessions, are you listening, ACLU? With prayer! Gasp! Wheeze! What is our country coming to? Legislators actually praying for wisdom from GOD, oops, I got carried away. I typed God. What was that about my First Amendment Rights? Yeah. I am protected. And in my own home. The pubic highway that runs adjacent to my home is as far as you can go, ACLU. If you want to talk to me, use a bull horn.

Now back to our good friend, Santa

Years ago, when Phil Donahue had his own show, I actually heard a 'religious' self-proclaimed minister, who looked like one of Billy Carter, Jimmy's beer-guzzling brother's buddies, use this statement. On the air. "Oh, uh, now Phil. I am afraid that by telling our children about this Santa Clause, that will, uh, give them traumatic episodes in their growth," and went on to slobber and slander out his 'research,' on the subject of Santa. And this was circa 1977. Compare the "dangers" that telling children then, about Santa, to the real life (or death) news stories we see every night on CNN about children taking handguns to school. Or being arrested for trafficking cocaine. Personally, Santa never killed anyone. In his life. Nor used his sleigh for running drugs from Columbia. Santa is still with us. I don't know what happened to the 'preacher,' who wanted to, by himself, rid the world of the dangerous icon, Santa.

But we need not worry. The good ol' ACLU is just waiting

for their chance to sink their legal fangs into the concept of Santa Clause. I am serious. If they can help to endorse abortion-on-demand and telling my grand kids that they cannot pray to God in the classroom, but others of other faiths can, then don't blink and eyelash. The day is nearing when the ACLU's so-called leaders will stand in unison and sound the alarm, "Get that Santa. Now!" And once again, another harmless icon of our lives will be under fire. Oh by the way, I want to be honest with you ACLU. I have taught my grand kids that they CAN pray inside their minds. All the want. IN the classroom. And there isn't 'diddly' you can do about that. Unless you convice our shell of a federal government that human brains are dangerous too. Good luck with that.

Just in-case the ACLU or some other faction wants to attack Santa

I have the perfect back-up plan. Instead of doing-away completely with Santa, which we all as free Americans, can post Santa on HubPages, Facebook, Twitter, blogs, and on our own property, I have also found some safe and feasible 'Santa Alternatives,' that might appease the ACLU and its followers who do so much for our country. I mean it. I just can say enough abou the ACLU. On second thought. Yes, I can.

Here are some of my very-own substitutes that will not replace Santa, but can be used as experimental signs that can say Merry Christmas, as good as Santa, and our buddies at the ACLU will not be so 'lawsuit-happy."

CASPER, THE FRIENDLY GHOST

who wouldn't love this cute little character. Or spirit. Who brings so many smiles to children on a world-wide basis? He can say, "Merry Christmas," really cute. And mean it. Santa, I think, while he's getting some needed-rest, would approve of Casper as his fill-in, but not a replacement. Honestly, I do not think the ACLU stands a chance in removing Santa from our lives. At all.

ALL-AMERICAN CHEERLEADERS

"Yaaay, Santa!" says this group of hard-working girls with squeaky-clean characters. These super-neat cheerleaders could create a Christmas cheer and end it with a tumbling routine while male cheerleaders, dressed as St. Nick and elves, join them for a crowd-pleasing, "Merry Christmas, gang," and be thanked with a standing ovation. Why didn't I think of this earlier.

CLOWNS

are American comedy icons. Emmet Kelly. Bozo. Only two legends in the clown industry. And who would get cross with a clown who hands them a present and does a somerset and yells, "Merry Christmas, folks," and toots Jingle Bells out on his red horn? No one. That's who. A neat, nice clown who gives NON-BOOBY TRAPPED gifts will be an over night hit. Maybe an annual hit. And clowns, like Santa, can make us all laugh to forget our problems. If this idea fails, we can get MS Foundation Chairman, Jerry Lewis, to talk the members of Congress and Senate into performing a yearly role as their own district's version of Santa, but only with them dressed in their usual garb--suits, ties, vetoes.

CROWS

are a highly-intelligent species of bird. They are attractive. Playful. And American. Some have said that crows, like mynah, birds, can be taught to speak. Hey, slip a Santa hat on this dude in the photo, give him a professional handler and they can do from door-to-door handing out presents to good boys and girls while the crow, who will be named, 'Cedar, the Christmas Crow," will 'caw' out, "Merry Christ--mas, boys and girls!" What a thrill at Christmas to be greeted by a crow filling in for Santa.

DANCING MIMES

are fun to watch. Mimes are sensitive performers as well. Now if I am going to help my friend, Santa, to take a one-year sabbatical while the ACLU meets it match in court, then I suggest the humble, peaceful and always-adored, dancing mimes to dance out the words, "Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year," while dressed in red and white costumes. This might go over big in places like Washington, D.C., New York, and other holiday towns. I can see it now. My pal, President Obama, having the first-ever "Dancing Christmas Mimes," to appear at a White House luncheon for the press to meet. And dignitaries from all over the world will be at this huge event. CBS News will love it. And you will too.

THE PANDA BEAR

now come on. What red-blooded American, or anyone from any nationality, for that matter cannot love a panda bear? They are soft, easy-to-feed and they do not cause trouble in the jungle or zoo's where they live like kings--eating sweet bamboo all day long and sleeping. (Sounds like the life for me!) And although the panda cannot speak "Merry Christmas," they can have it on a sign around their necks. How cute. And I truly believe that Americans will accept pandas, maybe more of my 'Santa substitutes,' while he is taking off for a year's vacation.

But alas. Reality is a true teacher. Who in the world am I kidding?

There is not now, or ever will be a substitute for Santa Clause. Just not possible. Not in this life. Or the next.

But at least the ACLU cannot accuse me of not trying my best to help them in their Anti-Santa campaign, that will be doomed from the beginning.

It it ever gets off the ground.



Which Of These Choices IS YOUR Favorite Santa Substitute?

  • CLOWN
  • CROW
  • MIMES
  • CHEERLEADERS
  • PANDA
See results without voting

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Comments 14 comments

Seeker7 profile image

Seeker7 5 years ago from Fife, Scotland

Hi Kenneth, another spot-on hub from your good and wise self!! You have highlighted one of the biggest stupidities of the 21st century - political correctness gone nuts!!!

Its the same in the UK! The 'powers that be' have recently debated on whether or not to cut back on Christmas decorations etc. in case they 'offend anyone'? By offending 'anyone' they are referring to the local Muslim communities. The Muslim community leaders speaking for their people are angered and distressed by these moves to 'cull' popular Christian or Cultural icons. They accept that everyone's beliefs and culture is not the same as theirs.

I take my hat off to them and salute them but I also feel sorry for them. Why? because it is 'political correctness' gone nuts that causes backlashes of hate and aggression onto people in our Community such as those of the Muslim faith. You have to then ask yourself - and I'm normally no conspiracy theorist - does all this political correctness and culling of Western beliefs and culture have a more sinister purpose? Is it to deliberately raise suspicious and negative emotions against some members of the community such as the Muslim People? Possibly, but at the end of the day all this correctness crap is destined to create poor relations between peoples of different cultures, not enhance them - at a time of year when it is supposed to be 'goodwill to all men'!

A great hub Kenneth - keep the important messages coming! Voted up + awesome + interesting.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

11/1/2011/2:13 p.m./cst

My Dear Friend, seeker7,

"THANK YOU so much for the comment and support. I know what you are talking about. Its everywhere...isolationism to us, Christians, while promoting openly other faiths and keeping Christians at bay. And who cannot see this going on? Why dont governments, if they can, tell us the truth that they do not believe in GOD. At all. But their actions, or lack of actions, speak in volumes. Thanks, dear seeker7 for the comment and YOU are the FIRST to comment. I shall not take that for granted. Please be good and have a safe evening. And keep your eyes open. Your Friend, KENNETH


Sueswan 5 years ago

As the great Santa himself would say, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Kenneth", this is a great hub.

At least now there are cards that say "Merry Christmas" a few years ago you couldn't find any. They all said Happy Holidays. We don't want to offend those of another faith. No offense to my Jewish friends but I always wonder why it is politically correct to say Happy Hannukah. To be fair, shouldn't they have to say Happy Holidays too.

No one should have to say Happy Holidays unless they want to and not because a bunch of bleeding hearting liberals tell them they have too.

Voted up, up and away!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Nov. 3, 2011/9:51 a.m/cst

Hello to My DEAREST Sueswan, Creative Writer Friend! You are absoutely right. I think its a personal choice. Or should be. If I were Jewish, I wouldn't be offended at the Merry Christmas as much as I would be at The Learning Channel and Discovery always finding reasons to show the hellish Holocaust over and over again. Im for NOT forgetting how our Jewish brothers and sisters were treated, in fact, I ask God to protect our adopted family in Israel every morning and night, but I am not for just constantly opening a wound that is trying to heal. Did that make sense? And thaks for YOUR sweet words and votes. Much Sincerity, KENNETH


Sueswan 5 years ago

Hello My Dearest Kenneth,

What you say makes perfect sense and I agree with you. I am not for just constantly opening a wound that is trying to heal.

I read one of your other comments that it would have been your Dad's 95th birthday today.

It must be hard not having him around. I know I will always miss my dad. I hope you have a day of pleasant memories thinking about your dad. I am sure that is what he would want.

Take Care


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My DEAREST Sueswan,

THANK YOU SINCERELY AND AFFECTIONATELY . . .for this. Yes, it is hard to be without mom or dad. They were the people I thought would be here forever. So much for how a human thinks. I am doing my best to do what you suggest. I can see him on a day like today..raining..him sitting in his porch swing with his cup of black coffee (thats where I get my love for black coffee) waving to his neighbors and people passing by. I wish you could have met him. I KNOW that he would have liked you right away. I did. Sincerely, KENNETH


Jackie Lynnley profile image

Jackie Lynnley 5 years ago from The Beautiful South

Give em what for Kenneth! My problem is seeing why they want to come into Christian to take out Christ! The Christians (or ones who claim they are) even let them and say that's OK, we all have the same God. I beg to differ and you have said it well. God bless you! Voted up and across.

Jackie


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

NOV. 4, 2011, 11:38 A.M/CST

Dearest Jackie . . .THANK YOU, DEAR FRIEND, not only for the comment, but YOUR support!!!! Yes. I do say Merry CHRISTmas...and post it just like that on Facebook each year, not to aggravate the non-Christians, but to show that I am not ashamed of Christ. Look at all He has done for me--took my place on the cross, where I really belonged. Washed my sins away and is closer than any brother on earth. OH I could preach a sermon if I had time and I guarantee that I WOULD make the majority of Christians in name only MAD! Thanks again, DEAR Jackie. God bless you, DEAR friend. And thanks for YOUR votes. I pray that somethign really Big and Good happens to YOU today. Sincerely, KENNETH


Moneylady profile image

Moneylady 5 years ago from Texas

Hi Kenneth ... Your words are sad but true. I PRAY to GOD that dear old St. Nick never ever goes away.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Nov. 9, 2011

Hello, Moneylady! "a Sincere Thank YOU for THIS comment. And what you said is my thoughts too--no one or no "thing" can replace the "big guy from the north pole." Hope to hear more from you, Moneylady. Have a terrific day and a Pre-Happy Thanksgiving and a Very Merrry Christmas 2011. Sincerely, KENNETH


Sundaymoments profile image

Sundaymoments 4 years ago from United States

Hello kenneth avery what a Hub!!! This hub was very expressive and also unique in its own way!! Voted it up, useful and awesome!!!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Sundaymoments. Glad to meet you. And a sincere thanks for your much-appreciated comments. You strike me as an humble man with a great talent for writing and making friends. I also thank you for your votes. Hope that Santa is not taken off of our rich historical icons by the Obama administration like prayer is in some places for offending people from other countries who are here as guests, not citizens. I will fight for Santa as long as I have breath and above Santa...I WILL FIGHT FOR JESUS as the Lord of The Universe. Merry Christmas to you and yours and thanks again.


SHONE1987 profile image

SHONE1987 4 years ago from THRISSUR

hi my friend kenneth avery ,nic hub keep going


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, SHONE1987,

and thank you, kind friend, for the comment. I am doing my best to do as you ask, keep going, but I have Accelerated Fibromyalgia and Neurothopy, incurable diseaes that attack the joints, muscles and nerve-endings. I do as I can. And THANK YOU again for stopping by. Come back often.

Kenneth

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