VALENTINE'S AND GIFTS

WHAT IS IT WITH US MEN?

Okay, Guys. It is Saturday, February 12. Monday is Valentine's Day. So are you still out there looking for a gift and a card? Please don't tell me "yes," because you are probably pretty much out of luck on the cards. The only cards left are the wrinkled, cheap, funky ones or the expensive cards overly dripping with sentiments reserved for....I don't know who they are reserved for. Oh yea, a guy on a horse in armor with a heavy Old English accent and ready to joust. We don't look anything like him and we don't talk like that.

Well, that is part of our problem. We are always telling the therapist, who is simply trying to get us to say a few simple powerful and effective words, "I don't talk like that." Of course we don't talk like that. The therapist already knows that. That's why he made the appointment with us and is taking our Valentine's dinner money. He knew it was a sure bet! For crying out loud. No, we don't have to talk Old English, but we can certainly talk modern English and learn to say a few simple words. Simple, powerful, effective words. Come on, Guys. We are embarrassing ourselves here.

Now, as far as gifts go. Please don't tell me that last year you gave her a vacuum cleaner. No, no, no. You didn't. Okay, I believe you. You did! So, let's get smart for this year. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT buy her, for this year, any cutlery or scissors. Come on, cutlery, you know KNIVES. No knives. And even if she is a landscape architect and loves to cut down forests, and even if she told you to buy her one of these, DO NOT get her a chainsaw. After the vacuum cleaner gift, the only wood she's cutting down is yours. Now I warned you. Can't help you if you're like the rest of us and cannot take directions.

You know what? Write her a poem or make a video of yourself talking sweet nothings to her. And post it on You Tube. Come on, you don't know what sweet nothings are? How did you ever hook up with her for crying out loud? You know, simple stuff. "You're beautiful....You're so smart, in fact you're smarter than me....You're sexy....Your lips are so inviting and so delicious....You are my sleeping beauty even when you are awake....I love the way you yawn....I love holding your hand....my life is meaningless, all the video games, the beer, the television, all meaningless, except for you....." Come on, Guys. Yes, you pour it on.

Hey, now move in close here. This is really important. NEVER NEVER NEVER plead your stupidity. Never say, for example, "You know I'm not the romantic type, Honey!" I guarantee if you say that, NO SEX till Mother's Day, when you will get another chance to show her that you are romantic indeed, and if you blow that chance, hopefully her birthday comes before next Christmas.

Why do we make it so hard on ourselves? Hey, yes, it was your childhood, but get over it. It will not help one bit to blame your childhood for being a macho craphead, an unromantic cheap illegitimate person, Hey, if it really is your childhood, call that therapist up right now. Get into see him tomorrow. Yes, pay the Sunday rate, but get some healing going here, so you can be there on Valentine's Day, healed, a lover, a romantic, with clean finger nails and the nose hairs trimmed. You might have a good chance of getting something other than a cheap box of candy from Rite Aid. And probably laced with a laxative.

And if she brings the dog into bed on Valentine's Day, do not complain. Have a dog biscuit handy, No, not a poison one. A nice, gourmet dog biscuit. In fact have so many of them, it will take the dog three hours or more to eat. That way the dog will not growl when you climb all over her and bite your butt and whatever else looks inviting.

Hey, I'm giving you free advice here. Of course, I am available tomorrow. I can meet you in the office or on the phone! Of course, I'll go easy on you. Can't you tell from this blog? Yes, I take credit cards. No never on Sunday. So look here's the deal. You probably will not call me or make an appointment, so what is left. PRAY. Light some candles at the St. Jude Shrine in your local Catholic Church. He is the patron saint of impossible causes, and as men, we are sometimes impossible causes.

Hey, I don't have anyone this year to Valentines. Yeah, yeah, quit throwing the kleenex boxes at me. Yes, I am familiar with the commercial. Can't stand the way they depict therapist in the media. But here's the deal. I'm posting a poem here. If you want to memorize it with all the proper inflections and then want to read it like it is your own, have at it. Just never say it is yours because if you do, you will instantly become mute and or a stutter. And they won't make a movie about you. She will only laugh. And that will make you stutter more. I practice therapy in the office and voodoo on the side. On the side of what? I don't know. I just know it is on the side.

So, you have a very short period of time here, and if you choose to accept this mission, then you will reap your reward on Monday and probably for the rest of the week. You know, Lent is coming up soon, and if you play this Valentine's thing right, you won't be giving up your relationship for Lent. You won't be waiting with bated breath till Easter Sunday morning to sing the Hallelujah Chorus. A simple Valentine's day gift will win you a place in the Mormon tabernacle Choir, and you'll be singing the Hallelujah chorus twice a day, in the morning and just before falling off to sleep. Otherwise, you won't be singing anything. You'll be looking at becoming a handy man. And that occupation leads to hair on your hands and blindness, so you better be sure your medical premiums are paid up.

So, we'll see how all this goes for you. I hope you are laughing your fat you know what off. It will only make you a little more attractive come Monday. You don't want to be a crack up on Monday. It's disgusting. The dog will certainly go for you. So good luck, Guys. One man to another. Hope this helps and I love you, Man. Yes, I love you, Man. Come on, get smart. If we can't love each other, why do we expect them to love us? Never thought about it that way, did you? Well, think about it. I love you, Man!

And if you're still wondering what to get her, make a commitment to start changing and From The Frying Pan To The Jacuzzi is the perfect book to get you started.  Yes, you want out of the frying pan,  Right?  And yes, into the Jacuzzi.  Yes!


A GIFT FOR VALENTINE'S

In between the soft hissing of the surf
And the clamoring gulls,
I can hear you
Calling me.

Yes, Love,
What is your heart’s desire?

Is it cookies?

Candies
Shaped as hearts?

Devil’s food cake
Frosted with sugary red velvet?

Perhaps expensive diamonds?

Maybe dangling twirling earrings
Bursting with glares of sunlight at noon,
Soft reflections of moon beams at night?

Tell me, Love
Your heart’s desire
And I will tell you mine.

A house atop the Western sky
To cheer the sun’s finale
Each and every day?

A cottage in the forest
To pray the morning sun
Through the ancient trees?
To welcome whispering antiphons
Hushing their way
Through the forest swaying
Like pilgrims praising?

Tell me, Love
Your heart’s desire
And I will tell you mine.

Ah yes, Love
I hear you.

That is all you want?
No more?

Funny
How simple life can be.

You want from me
What I want from you.

Is it coincidence
Or love?

Does it ever hurt?

You know,
Love.
Does it ever hurt?

I don’t think it’s supposed to hurt.
Perhaps an old wive’s tale,
You think?

So stand close, Love.
Take my hand.
Look right into my eyes
Till you see yourself
Reflected there.

Ah, now I see myself
In your eyes.

Take a deep breath, love.
Here they come,
Those three wonderful words.

Are you ready, Love?

I love you.

Okay, Love,
I am taking a deep breath
Listening with anticipation.
Ah, there they are.
Those same words.

I love you.

Wow,
The best Valentine’s Gift
Ever.

Comments 9 comments

The Suburban Poet profile image

The Suburban Poet 5 years ago from Austin, Texas

Excellent hub Vern. Quite the contrast from mine but maybe in reality a distant cousin. Writing a poem instead of buying a card is the way go. They know it's from the heart and that you actually sat down and thought about them and how you feel. And I agree that some of those cards are so incredibly gushy. I always wonder who is living in this world?

Thanks for posting... and I'm that guy... but it's the 13th and I've done nothing... maybe it's because I'm single....


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 5 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

Hi, Suburban Poet

I hope most of all you enjoyed the humor. I had fun writing this hub. The poem was not humorous, obviously, but everything above it was supposed to be!! Satirical, I guess, but we (men) are a funny bunch.

Thanks again for reading and commenting

Vern


candy27 5 years ago

Love it Vern. Jim has hit a homerun some Valentine's Days and he has also struck out! Keeps me guessing, mystery is good in a relationship-right?


justom profile image

justom 5 years ago from 41042

Happy happy Valentine's day, today it's time to run away. Got no love, got no money but that damn Vern he's real funny :-P Peace and Love on VD:-D Tom


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 5 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

Thanks Candy for reading and commenting. Well, Jim is still alive, so obviously he didn't get the vacuum cleaner nor the chainsaw for you! I am sure he always brought a special bottle of wine or champagne, and if not, HE IS IN TROUBLE!

TOM, thanks for reading and commenting and thanks for recognizing that I'm funny. I think this blog is hysterical. I laughed myself silly during the whole time writing! Candy, above there, her husband works for a big winery, so he surely has always brought home a special bottle of bubbly, wouldn't you think? Something that came over on the boat with Columbus. Well on second thot, probably wouldn't taste all that good by now.

So, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, CANDY AND TOM. Hey, I just realized, Candy has the perfect Valentine's name. Sorry!

Peace and love to hoth of you and to Jim.

Vern


Karanda profile image

Karanda 5 years ago from Australia

Ah Vern, what a wonderful Valentine's gift you have written. I am so sorry you have no-one to share it with but I'm so glad you shared you thoughts with all of us. I hope the men take notice.

Someone said this morning (yes, it is already Valentine's Day here) it works both ways, how come the man doesn't get the presents and the special attention? I loved that you reminded all the men out there if they go that extra mile they will get their own rewards.

Happy Valentine's Day all the way from the other side of the world and under the earth as you know it.


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 5 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

Hey Mate! Is that how you spell that word? Looks a little too personal!!

I imagine it is already too late to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day from way up here or half way up here!!

Monday at 11:23, PST.

Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope you found the first part hilarious. I laughed while writing it!

HAPPY EVERY DAY

Vern


Rosie2010 profile image

Rosie2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Hiya vrbmft, this is funny and awesome. Good advice to your fellowman. Those three words work like magic, but we want you guys to really mean in.. not just say the words.. say it with feelings.. practice in front of the mirror.. you can do it! The poem is not bad too. Good job.

Have a nice day,

Rosie


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 5 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

Hi Rosie 2010, thanks for reading and commenting. For some of us, it takes just saying the words and saying them and saying them until our emotions break through the armor, all the pain perhaps of not being loved or somehow coming to the conclusion that we were not lovable or homely looking and not handsome or whatever the story is. Lot of physical abuse and sexual abuse for men that never gets talked about, or if you have a loving experience growing up, then you might go off to war and come back beat up, broken, a killer, and not know how to get back to being that loving man you once were. We are no different from women in the respect that life experiences bring us to a place of believing we are not lovable and so we become extremely protected, guarded, armored. Armored, an interesting word. One r too many!

Yes, we do want to grow to the place that we really do mean the words but it is a journey for some. I am amazed at how many men still can not get those three words out. Amazing.

Thanks so much for stopping by. Looking forward to reading your hubs

Vern

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