Funny Valentines for People You Hate

11 Funny Valentines for People You Hate

First, a little history.

Do you know how Valentine’s Day (February 14th) began? 800 years before Valentine’s Day, the Romans celebrated a pagan festival in the middle of February which commemorated the rite of passage for young men to the god, Lupercus.

This festival included a lottery in which young unmarried men would draw the names of teenage girls from a box. Not just single women, but teenage girls. The girl assigned to each young man via the lottery would be his sexual partner for the rest of the year.


St. Valentine
St. Valentine

Do I have your attention?

Pope Gelasius was not comfortable with this pagan festival and instituted a small change to the lottery. Instead of the names of nubile, young women, the box would contain the names of saints. Both men and women would be allowed to draw a name and the idea was to emulate the saint for the rest of the year. As you might expect, this dramatic change did not meet with much favor among young Roman men.

“I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself. - Robert Orben

My way or the highway
My way or the highway
Yada, Yada, Yada
Yada, Yada, Yada

Here are Funny Valentines for People You Hate

For a boss

You’re mean and you’re miserly,

Demeaning and demanding.

Do you want some of me?

You’ll be the last man standing.

For a co-worker

Of all my colleagues,

And all of my peers,

I like you the least.

Go pay for the beers.

For a meddling mother-in-law

I can’t stop thinking "what if?"

I just pushed you over the cliff!


Artist's version of St. Valentine
Artist's version of St. Valentine

More history

The Church needed a new patron saint of love to replace the pagan god, Lupercus. They chose Valentine who had been beheaded by Emperor Claudius in AD269 or AD270 depending on which historical source you choose.

Why did Valentine lose his head? Because he defied the emperor. Claudius believed married men made poor soldiers – too busy thinking about the women they left behind. But Valentine would secretly marry young men who sought his services. Claudius tried to convert Valentine to paganism but failed and had him stoned and then beheaded.

“Love is a grave mental disease.” - Plato

I have a mind of my own
I have a mind of my own

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” - Anonymous

More Funny Valentines

For a misbehaving dog

When I say, Beg. You just play dead.

When I say, Git. You beg to be fed.

When I say Sit, You bite my feet.

When I say Stay, You run away to the street.

Here comes an 18-wheeler, Stay, Stay, Stay!

Oops!

For a lover

I love to kiss your eyes, Your lips and your face.

I love to make love. Any time, any place.

Last night at dinner, Lust overcame me.

Now I am a sinner, And no one can blame me.

We made passionate love Right there on the floor.

I just couldn’t stop, You kept begging for more.

One small problem, my dove, One we can’t rise above,

They won’t let us in that restaurant any more.


Charles d'Orleans,  prisoner in Tower of London
Charles d'Orleans, prisoner in Tower of London

A little more history

While Valentine was in prison, he fell in love with the blind daughter of his jailer. Before his death, he sent her a farewell message signed, "From your Valentine." The phrase has been used on his day ever since. It has become a tradition for people to give the ones they admire handwritten, printed or email messages of affection containing Valentine's name.

The first true Valentine card was sent by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife in 1415. He was imprisoned in the Tower of London at the time.

“No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.” -
Joyce Brothers

I'm not as messy as the roommate.
I'm not as messy as the roommate.
Land of the Free. Home of the Taxed
Land of the Free. Home of the Taxed

Even more funny Valentines

For a roommate

You borrow my sox and my Hanes,

My rolled oats and whole grains.

I’d ask you to leave if I had any brains.

You borrow my car and use all my gas,

Smoke all my cigs including the grass,

I ought to throw you out on your a**.

Guess the only reason I haven’t so far,

Is you pay all the rent and my tab at the bar.

For a Congressional representative

You promised us change

But the change ends up in your pocket.

Our taxes keep steadily rising

As though propelled by a rocket.

What about universal health care

In the land of the eagle?

So far the only recipients

Are those who are illegal.

And where are the jobs

You promised us, please?

All those new jobs

Are now worked overseas.

Right now you have us all by the throat.

But we will prevail – we still have a vote.

“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” – Walt Disney


It's not easy to be beautiful
It's not easy to be beautiful
Can you lend me $300 for a cup of coffee? I wanna drink it in Brazil.
Can you lend me $300 for a cup of coffee? I wanna drink it in Brazil.
Nobody messes with the Rock
Nobody messes with the Rock

For a wife

When we wed, you would cook, you said.

You promised without hesitations.

But I have learned the only thing

You make for dinner is . . . reservations.

For a husband

You are lazy and a loafer, And as dumb as any gopher,

You would be lost and afloat, Without your trusty remote.

You accuse me of treason, Because I hate football season.

But then again, despite all your ills,

I do realize you pay all the bills.

For a boyfriend

I saw you ogling that girl, and I saw when you kissed her.

Do you know that the girl is my younger sister?

I heard from my brother that you “dissed” my mother.

And my dad, on the phone, said you asked for a loan.

You wanna be my boyfriend? Fuhgeddaboudit, mister.

For a neighbor

When we moved in, every little thing was fine.

Then you started moving the property line.

One Sunday you had a barbeque and said come on over,

The barbeque meat was tough. Now I can’t find Rover.

I gave you permission to park your RV in front in the street.

But you neglected to mention your trailer is over 30 feet.

Now I can’t park my car in front every day.

I have to park it two long blocks away.

There’s good news though I am happy to say.

My realtor said he sold my place today.

The new owner bought it lock, barrel and stock.

What is his name? You know him. He’s The Rock!

Caution: These "mean" Valentines were written with tongue-in-cheek. If you decide to send any of them, do not hand-deliver . . . and do not sign your name.

© Copyright BJ Rakow 2011, 2013 Rev. All rights reserved.


B. J. Rakow, Ph.D., Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search just Ain't So."

This is a serious job search book written with a very light touch.

More by this Author


Comments for Funny Valentines for People You Hate 18 comments

marcofratelli profile image

marcofratelli 6 years ago from Australia

These are great! People can be so mean...haha :)


jayjay40 profile image

jayjay40 6 years ago from Bristol England

What a laugh, we must have a similar sense of humour. Well done.


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder

Are you sure I don't know you from another life time? These sound awfully familiar... :)


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida Author

Thanks for stopping by, Marco. Yes, people can be mean - that's why, to me, a sense of humor is such an important ingredient in our life.

Jayjay - nice to hear from you and if you see the funny side of life and enjoy the bizarre - then yes, we're both crazy. (joke) Like that old Quaker saying: "Everyone in the world is crazy except thee and me. And sometimes I'm not sure about thee."

Ivorwen, m'luv, I've learned that almost nothing in life is new - it's merely resurrected. Cheers!


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

One word which decribes your writing - hubtastic!!!

Always a pleasure to stop by and ride the waves of your thoughts and keen wit!


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida Author

"Hubtastic?" I love it. And will probably use it, epigramman. You may stop by and ride those waves whenever you dare. Thanks for the visit and the hubtastic comments. See, I used it already.


katiem2 profile image

katiem2 6 years ago from I'm outta here

This is priceless and I will def be remembering this tidbit of useful info. I love Love LOVE IT! Rating it up and everything good. Valentines for people you hate is a treasure and many thanks to you :)


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida Author

Oh, katie - I am giddy with happiness that you found this hub - it has always been one of my favorites. Though largely undiscovered by the multitudes. Hoping for a resurgence next Valentine's Day.

Thank you for your absolutely wonderful comments: "priceless, useful, love it, up, a treasure" are my favorite words. And you, as you already may know, are one of my favorite hubbers. Truth. :)


izettl profile image

izettl 6 years ago from The Great Northwest

This is so funny. I'm saving it for next Valetines Day- rated WAY up!


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida Author

Thank you, izettl, I appreciate you, your visit, and your very gracious comments. Yes, save it by all means! :)


Haunty profile image

Haunty 5 years ago from Hungary

I wish I had seen this a week ago... Great job, drbj. And a very useful (and funny) hub. Thanks.


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida Author

Hi, Haunty. It is my pleasure to see you here. So sorry you didn't see this useful, funny hub earlier but use it next year by all means. :)


Victoria Lynn profile image

Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

Every vote and up! So funny. I love the oops at the end of the misbehaving dog poem. I liked all of them, really! Can I add your poems to my hub about how to write a Valentine's Day haiku? These aren't haiku but they're fun!


drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida Author

Hi, Victoria. Thank you for finding this. It's one of my faves, y'know. And thank you for all the votes and the up. You are obviously more discerning than most since you liked all these mean Valentines.

Yes, I would be privileged to have you add a link to your hub even though these priceless (?) poems are not haiku-structured. I will be happy to include your link as well.


carolina muscle profile image

carolina muscle 3 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

wow... i never knew about that Roman lottery.. I bet there was some resistance to that being changed, at least from the bachelors!

You really slayed me with the line 'They won’t let us in that restaurant any more'... I know that couple!!! :-D


drbj profile image

drbj 3 years ago from south Florida Author

I figured you would be able to identify with those disappointed Roman bachelors, Chris, when the lottery was changed in the middle of the game. Delighted you enjoyed my 'restaurant' joke - 'tis one of my favorites. Might be a good idea not to dine with that couple you know any more. Thanks for finding this and your super comments.


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 3 years ago from Orlando, FL

Of course I like and appreciate all your Valentines, but my favorite is for the MIL...if only. Haha!


drbj profile image

drbj 3 years ago from south Florida Author

Hi, Linda. So your favorite funny Valentine is the one for the M in L. Hmmmmmm. Could be the basis for a hub or two or three in that comment. Written anonymously, of course! Thanks for stopping by, m'dear.

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